I feel bad, but im losing patience with my Mrs...

[DadPlaysItCool]

My partner seems to constantly be clashing with our 5(and a half) year old... She seems to think that he always responds to her with attitude, or he sounds miserable. Somewhat like a teenager i guess.
Im of the opinion that when he does this. it can be pretty normal for a kid his age. He definetley is NOT a miserable kid. But she clashes with him, ends up losing her rag with him. They get into an argument, and i step in. Or if im at work, i can almost time when my phone is going to ring, after shes dropped him to school, when she can tell me how he wasnt getting dressed, back chatting, etc etc...
she says "i dont see other kids talking like this" "he is miserable, and its driving me mad" Basically laying all responsibilty on his little shoulders... I approach him differently, and get vastly different results. She says "kids behave differently towards dads" which to some extent i agree with. But not totally. I feel that she has completely unrealistic expectations of what, and how a child should be acting etc. I think she sometimes treats him like an adult, instead of a kid.
I have said multiple times to try different methods, ways of approaching situations. Ive tried leading by example. Tried telling her to seek advice away from the home. We could look into parenting classes if she thinks it will help. Yet, the situation blows over, we carry on with life, and end up back in the same place. with little to no effort to change.... Just repeating the same behavior, expecting our child to just "change" ...
Its got to the point where now. When she comes to me to vent her frustrations, and talking bad about our kid. Im really struggling to not shout at her, or even be understanding towards it.
HELP! am i being unreasonable, is she right... Or do i need to need to actually demand she actually does something about it, rather than repeating the same cycle of sh*t.

OP you need to ignore the negativity on here and focus on the positive suggestions, pretty much what you want your wife to do you have had quite a few positive posts surprisingly.

Ignore the haters, OP. Have you tried asking her very directly, “what do you want me to do? How can I make this better for you?” Maybe she needs a weekend away with a girlfriend to relax and let her hair down?

I think you're right that something needs to be done differently now. Can you find a parenting course locally?

Yes, I would be worried and wouldn't back up a parent who was being harsh on a child. Kids of 5's behaviour vary hugely and distraction, giving choices instead of demands and 'carrots' work a lot better. It's also worrying that she thinks he's been deliberate in this.

Do they ever have fun together, in or outside of the house? Negative behaviour is often attention seeking - I'm wondering if any spare second she gets she's out of the house without him, so that only leaves the boring, tedious argument-prone stuff they do together.

Could you adjust your work hours so that you do every school drop off? If that’s the main trigger in this tense stuff then change it. Take away the situation. Let her be the fun parent for a while. I’m very patient and rarely snap at my kids but the morning school run stress even pushes me to my limits and I’m left pulling my hair out and venting at my DH some days. Just telling you that so you know she’s not “abnormal”. I’d suggest sending her off for a long spa weekend. Then suggesting you switch roles for a year. You go part time and do all the donkey work of disciplining and she goes full time and just gets to do kiddie fun playtime stuff. Your lives would change 100% for the better. Change the triggers.

My partner is actually 42... We had kids quite late. She didnt have the most conventional of upbringings. Her mum is quite a cold person(she grew up in a convent. never knew her own parents) She isnt the type to say "i love you" ... My partners dad was abusive(to his wife, my OH mother). Until he left.... HOWEVER my partner is very loving. She isnt cold etc towards our kids. I just dont think she was parented in what most would consider a "normal" way.

Can I just say...i wish you were MY husband .

I think parenting classes are the way forward here for her. There's no shame in it. I've done one. It just gives you strategies in dealing with kids. Please encourage her strongly to attend one.

That makes sense Dadplay she really hasn't had it easy or seen much normal parenting. I would bet if she really thought about her own childhood unrealistic expectations were put on her at a young age, especially as the daughter of a woman who was being abused.

I hope you get some great advice on here.

I really wouldnt be able to pin point any reasons for unhappiness, or depression

There don't have to be reasons for depression. It can happen to anyone no matter how happy and stable their life appears to be.
It sounds like it has all got too much for her and she needs help and support.
You are helping her but maybe you come across to her as a bit patronizing, that you are always right etc.
I'm sure it is not intended to be so, but maybe she sees it like that.
Maybe it is making her feel really bad - you seem to be so good with your son while she is struggling and can't understand why.
I think you need some external help to discuss the issues and maybe parenting classes would be good.

I'm not judging you or getting at you. You obviously really want to help her otherwise you wouldn't be on here asking people.

I do the school runs at least 40% of the time... We have a 2 year old also. Even the days i do the school run, i say to her the night before "stay in bed in the morning, have a lay in" which she does.... Its not like she doesnt get a lot of support etc. She does... trust me when i say, we share most of the responsibility! Which is how it should be IMO.

Some people just aren’t cut out for staying at home. They just dislike it, which is fine.

It’s not fine if it’s making them both unhappy, however...

If your son is suffering then it really is up to you to step in on his behalf.

I wouldn’t allow my grown ass DH to “clash” with a five year old and make him miserable. So, either she sorts it out or she’s out.

On the other hand, you can’t assume she’s not depressed because she seems happy!

An honest conversation needs to happen here for your son’s sake. Tell her if she is depressed you will help her. But equally, if she’s adamant that it’s all him then you need to take a serious look at your life and make some tough decisions.

Finally, please don’t call your wife your missus! I fucking hate that! :)

Hi Dads - I was going to ask about her childhood - was she allowed to "be" a child - ie allowed to play or was she given responsibility at an early age - she may not know what's a normal development pathway for a child - parenting classes maybe a way forward or maybe you could both go to a family therapist together - you can look at how our parents impact our future. I had a harsh upbringing and I was a little harsh with my son - I had him at 42. I had therapy and parenting classes. It helped me a lot.

Rather than telling her general ways to cope calmly with 5yo, maybe look at the individual triggers that are stressing her out.

For example, what specific things does she find stressful? Is it the same activity/thing repeatedly? See if there are specific changes that can be made in that activity/thing. If, for example, your child is refusing to wear what she is expecting him to wear, discuss some specific options.

1-let child choose the night before,with assistance from adult(if needed)
2-let child choose their own clothing
3-give child 2 clothing options and allow them to choose freely between those options.

A big part of parenting is learning to choose your battles with your child and allow them to start making some decisions on their own. It's a tough thing to balance sometimes.

Cripes. She was brought up in a convent. Poor woman. No wonder she doesn’t know how to model being a parent. She never had any. I think parenting classes would be a very good idea before she ruins her relationship with your ds. I’m on here a lot. What can happen in the situation is that the adult child goes no contact with both the mother and father for not anything about it. So you really do need to intervene and stop letting it play out.

Thumbwitches
My dd insists she’s right about many things. I find the easiest way to deal with it is not to sweat the small stuff and not get into an argument about it unless dd has to acknowledge I’m right for her own safety. Fighting about silly things is modelling behaviour that it is absolutely important to be right, thus right fighting. My mother modelled it very well for me so I’ve had to challenge myself not to do it with dd. Because really and honestly it doesn’t matter that she ate 2 scoops of bubble gum ice cream at the restaurant last week when she thinks it’s not fair because she’s convinced she only ate one. Not an actual example btw.

If you have a 2yo and a 5yo she's likely exhausted. Can you pick up more of the emotional load? Be the one to arrange birthday presents/dr's appts/deal with family/pay clubs. In my experience this is the unseen stuff that mounts up.

Haven't read all the comments ..... I know! But one that stood out and help me when DD was younger and now that's she's older, was watching and talking to parents with children of the same age.

It helped me to realise it was an age thing and not me. With other parents I was able to seek advice with how they dealt with it - but also realising that it was an age/developmental stage thing I was able to take to take a step back/deep breath and view their behaviour different.

My DH who didn't have that same access to same aged children, sometimes found certain behaviours difficult and I had to remind him it was an age thing and that so and so's child/children was exactly the same, i.e. it's normal.

do you have any friends with similar age children - could you arrange a social situation with them?

Good luck

Our own experience of being parented inevitably rears its head when we have our own children

I think your concerns are valid in the way she is treating your child and it is possible that she has not come to terms with her own child rearing (being in an abusive household has consequences even if they are not directly being abused) and it is affecting the way she is parenting

Parenting classes (be VERY selective) could help her broaden her horizons and see the possible affect she may be having on your child as she is so unforgiving of him

There are also things you can do to help ease school run clashing. Get everything ready the night before clothes/bags etc write down all of the triggers and work out strategies to deal with them. How about taking him to breakfast club before you go to work so she doesn’t even have to do the school run. There are lots of things you can do. If you’ve got a two year old too then she could be suffering PND. Please don’t just moan or shout at her. Do something proactive to help!

It's easy when you have two children to see how young the smaller one is, and unconsciously expect your older child to be more mature than they actually are - simply because you're seeing them as much more mature than, for example, the toddler. It's easy to do. The old "you're older, you need to set an example for your younger sibling" mindset that my parents had.

I think the fact that you didn't feel a 2yo was relevant context speaks volumes. Do you have them both on your own much? I dont mean at the weekend, I mean when you need to get stuff done like a supermarket trip etc. It can be extremely draining.

I have a 5 year old DS. He is vile a lot of the time. He repeats lines from TV shows and films (mostly Toy Story - I never realised how rude Woody is!) and spits them at me. Usually telling me to shut up. He called me a backstabbing murderer at the weekend (cheers, Potato Head). This morning I had the audacity to tell him to put his shoes on to go to school and he threw milk at me. Now my carpets stink.

It can be really hard to listen to this stuff. DS has to be told a minimum of about 15 times to do something (sit down/shoes on/coat on etc etc). I have learned to just repeat myself in my normal voice until he does whatever it is because he's bored of hearing me!

Kids can be really hard work, and they are often unpleasant to parents, mothers especially, as we (parents in general I mean) are usually the ones that they know they can rely on. My son knows that he can call me all the names under sun, throw stuff at me, kick me etc and yet I will still be there in the middle of the night when he wakes from a nightmare, or will be there to pick him up when he falls. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't get away with this behaviour (he is ASD so it's a bit different but no easier to put up with) but he knows that I will never walk away. Although I did take him to school this morning in just his pants and pyjama top - we got as far as the car and he changed his mind!

I did parenting courses and mindfulness for parents last year and that really helped. Yes, I still shout more than I'd like. Yes, I get upset and say things I'd rather not say. But in main, things are better.

Seeing this behaviour would upset me too, I feel guilty because my 5 year old picked up on me sighing yesterday when she took ages putting socks on and we were in a hurry.

Suggest rewards? chart/treat whatever, make it their thing? I couldn't sit back and say nothing.

Like ChickenMom said it might help if you do at least half the school drop offs. My OH goes to work very early in the morning so I always drop my three year old to nursery and it’s often very stressful. I’m very aware that she has the span of attention of, well, a three year old but it’s still hard work to her ready in a reasonable timeframe without repeating everything more than thirty times. It’s sometimes hard not to lose your rag and children pick up on your mood very easily which doesn’t help.

It’s also very possible your son is giving your partner a bit of attitude. My friends’s DD who started school last September is giving them a bit of attitude after seeing other kids at school behaving badly. It will pass but it doesn’t stop her from giving it a go once in a while

I would advise you to try and take a step back from the situation and worry about it less. Parents all have different styles and I doubt your son Is unhappy or will suffer from the different techniques you have. . Children go through many phases, being good, being unco-operative, favouring and obeying one parent. They push boundaries without realising that they are doing it.

If your wife was brought up by a cold parent, she probably does not know what happy parenting feels like. Possible she is keen n to give the children a very different upbringing than she had herself. She is probably very loving and giving and when she sees your Son being ‘ungrateful and obstinate’ she could be feeling hurt. She may also have a lot of self-doubt and , without meaning to, you could be adding to this.

I would sit your son down with your wife and speak to him about your expectations. No punishments for bad behaviour but rewarding the good. Draw up a chart of things that he is expected to do, like not answering back, getting dressed etc. Stars on the board will give you something positive to talk about when you are altogether.