It’s nearly a year since Dh died

[JuanPotatoTwo]

27th Feb will mark the first year without him, I can hardly believe it.

I’m so tired - mentally and physically. I haven’t had a proper night’s sleep since he died.

People have been amazing, on here and in RL. I had the most amazing Woolly Hug which totally overwhelmed me, and which I look at every day. I had an incrediblly supportive thread full of kind and wise posters. But round about June I found it too painful to go back to the thread as I associated it with those painful intense early dark days.

There have of course been good times - I’ve made some friends in the most unexpected ways (the funeral administrator being one!), I’ve learnt the value of existing friends (some of who I hadn’t been in touch with since school), and I think the dc and I have become closer. But, being honest, there’ve been many more bad times than good :(

I thought I was doing as ok as could be expected but since new year (literally - since NYE) I just feel I’ve taken a massive backward step. I have a strong feeling in my mind that if I can only make it to the 27th, I will have proven to Dh that I can do it on my own and that he can come back now. Stupid I know. I don’t know what to do. I try to keep on for the dc and for my lovely friends but it’s so hard, and getting harder.

I miss him so much and really feel there’s no point to me anymore - not planning on doing anything drastic though! I’m sorry if this is moany. I’m not moany in rl (I hope) but I’m finding the run up to the first anniversary so difficult.

I’m so sorry for your loss and your feelings at this raw time (well in my experience it’s all raw - every day). As much as this first anniversary is as grim as can be imagined, I admire your ability to look on some of the lighter moments in the dark. I’m just really, really sorry 💐

Oh I am so so sorry

I read your first thread, and it's spin offs are still around. You and others on that thread wrote most eloquently about bereavement and you clearly still are. I'm sorry it's not all better now but honestly I don't think you or anyone else can expect it to be after less than a year. All I can say is that I admire you and I feel that you will learn to live with this and still derive some point from life. All the best.

I am so sorry for your loss, and for your DC. I can only imagine how you are feeling and what you have gone through. I've lost loved ones and it is just awful. A year is still very short I think. I'm sure wiser people than I have passed on their words of support and help but you sound like a very strong person and your DC are going to cope so much better for having you as a mother. That doesn't help YOU personally I realise. No real words of wisdom other than gradually, slowly, tiny step by tiny step it will get easier. When my father died when I was 20 I couldn't bear the world carrying on whileyour heart was breaking. I still dream about him and wake up crying and thinking the dream was real. I guess I'm saying hang on in there.

Sorry if this is waffle.

Someone told me this week that it'll take two years before I start to come to terms with my wife's death. I have no idea if that's right, or if so, why. Days I'm ok, other days I question why I should continue. Not that I want to die, just the seeming futility without her.

I'm so sorry
I read your first thread too. My DH has a life limiting illness and I think I was reading it selfishly to try and 'prepare' myself in some way.
I don't have anything useful to say other than you've done incredibly well just to keep putting one foot in front of the other. The last few months must have felt endless but it really is still early days.
I'll be thinking of you on the 27th x

Just shit isn't it

Juan, I don't want to crash your post - but just wanted to send you much love x

Juan - I can relate to the thinking of ‘prooving you can do it without him so he can come back’. I had similar in a comparable situation. Thing is, he won’t come back but you can do it without him. It won’t be the same without him but you will learn to live with it and the pain becomes bearable. For me the pain is still a daily companion but it’s not as overwhelming for me after 18 months. It’s not a linear process and there will be setbacks.

I wish you strength

Juan.

I'm 5 months behind you. Not b- fair, is it? I'm holding on tightly to the good memories and if I want to sob, then so be it.

2 years is the average in grieving (retired counsellor head on). Just that, the average time before we can accept and/or adjust.

Thank you all for your kind words. It does mean so much that people take the time.

Onesmallstep - I’m sorry for your loss. When did your wife die? That’s exactly how I feel re the futility.

dahliaa I remember you posting. How is your Dh doing? It’s exhausting living with life limiting illness I know :(.

I know pog the posters on my original thread have been, and still are, amazing. Thank you for reading them. I started a new thread because I’ve been absent from the original one, and it’s spin-offs, for so long I felt that it had moved on and connections had been formed. Which is a lovely thing.

Miss I’m sorry you lost your df. My heart aches for my dc but they do seem strong. And we talk about Mark all the time, including the times when he was grumpy!

Oh I’m sorry - cross posted. Squirrels you’re not crashing - I think of you often, you’re only three weeks behind me. And of you too Selena - it’s not fair, you’re right.

Hazel it sounds like you’ve been through something similar - I’m sorry and thank you for your words. I don’t think it’s fully sunk in really which sounds odd after a year. But I’ve become very adept at heading off painful thoughts. Struggling to do that now in the run up to his death :(

Just sneaking in to send you a hug and some cake wink wink

No experience, but here if you need me x

juan she died in November after a three year terminal illness. My best friend, as nutty as a fruit cake, and lovely with it.

Sending love to you as always Juan.

I think of you often & I'm still here if you need a virtual hug or a shoulder to cry on x

Also sending you a hug. My DH died 26 years ago, when our kids were still both in nappies. And I still grieve for him. I wish people wouldn't talk nonsense about "getting over" bereavement in two years or whatever.
It's like losing a leg - the damn thing is never going to grow back! But you slowly learn to limp around without it. That first year is absolute hell. To start with, every day is black and you feel that you will never laugh or be happy again. But almost imperceptibly, the pain slowly gets more manageable. Instead of an ever present exhausting agony, it becomes a dull chronic ache.
This is not a linear process - there will be some days when you feel surprisingly cheerful and functional, and then the next day, out of the blue, something triggers a memory and you're in floods of tears again. But I can reassure you that the general trend is upwards. Eventually, you will have more good days than bad. Eventually, you may be able to think of your DH with love and gratitude for your time together, rather than just be overwhelmed by your loss.
Two helpful things that my dear old church minister said to me when I was struggling: 1) Don't let his death be more than his life
In other words, don't let the ghastliness of bereavement blot out all the lovely memories and good times you shared
and 2) Throw your anger at God - He can take it, your children can't.
I went through terrible anger as a phase of grieving, and I needed a safe target to lash out at. Giving my rage to God in prayer was a way of venting it, and very supportive.
I identify so much with your feeling of trying to bargain: "If I'm good and cope for a year, can I have him back, please?" I used to make all kinds of bargains with God - if I gave up my home and all my money, could I have him back, etc. I think it takes years before we can actually accept the fact that our loved one is dead, that there is no way we can "have him back". We know the fact logically, but we can't accept it emotionally. I used to dream that it was all a mistake and my DH was still alive. I remember that sense of relief, and hugging him - and then waking up and having to face his death all over again.
All I can say to you is hang on in there, give yourself time, take any support and comfort that you are offered, and believe that it will get easier. Grief is the price of love - we hurt because our DH's were worth loving. Some poor women in abusive marriages have NEVER had the love that we now miss. And no-one can take away our memories of that love.
There is a stone memorial in Edinburgh that says "Grief is not forever. But love is". Hold that thought. God bless.

Lovely post Babdoc

Juan I don't have experience of losing a spouse but was 20 when my dad died and I remember thinking once the first year passed, I'd stop hurting because people had said 'the first year is the hardest'.

I didn't stop hurting, I still hurt now 30+ yrs later. As Babdoc says, you adjust - but at YOUR pace, however long that takes.

You are doing brilliantly and it has been no time at all. ❤️

Im so sorry
The first year is really hard.
The first anniversary feels (and is) massive. Have you planned anything to do with the children on or near the day? I would recommend anything which involves new life, or helping others in need. Such as
Planting a tree
Clearing overgrowth from a local cemetery (my son found this very healing)
Adopting a rescue animal (obviously this should be a planned decision not spur of the moment!)
Clearing out old belongings and donating to charity

It will be 9 years for us this year and I promise it does become easier 💐

Hello MrsJones and Drama - thanks for posting.

onesmall your loss is so very recent. These early days are hard. I can’t actually remember them in too much detail (I’m glad I had a thread though to write some of it down). I hope you’ve got lots of support in RL?

Babdoc thank you for your heartfelt post. You must have been very young when your Dh died, so hard for you all. I haven’t done anger yet really except for a very brief outburst the other day - I smacked the tube his ashes are in and was rather taken aback to see a cloud of, um, well presumably ash, rise up! I like the “Grief is not for ever, but love is” stone. I had got through the phase of crying every day, but that’s back now, and as you say, sometimes at the most unexpected things. I mourn for the future he deserved, he fought so hard to have one.

I don't post often on this subject, but yours resonated so much...

I struggled through the first year after my dp died, holding on to the 'the first year is the hardest' thing.
Just before the first anniversary I broke a bit. I didn't want it. I didn't want to have gone past the 'first' everything.
My daughter pointed out that although I'd done the 'big' firsts - Christmas, birthdays, anniversary, valentines, there would still be more 'firsts' to come. That helped a bit. I'm two years and five months in, and I promise it does get easier.

I hold on to that he died, our love didn't.

Thanks Horse. My df died three years ago last Thursday - he was 89. And my Dh outlived him by a week over two years. I loved my df but I find it so poignant thinking of Dh toasting absent friends Xmas 2016, and by Xmas 2017 it was Dh we were —trying— to toast :(

Not I’m sorry for your loss too. Yes, the three older dc are taking the day off work, and I’m keeping the youngest off school. We got a puppy in October and, even though I really really didn’t want a dog, I love him so much! We all do. So we’re going to take him out somewhere for a lovely walk. Finding a significant place is tricky because, for Mark, as long as he was with us the place didn’t matter. But we’ll find somewhere.

pinktransit thank you for your message, and sorry for stirring painful memories. There are so many painful memories around loss through that it’s nearly impossible to avoid them. I’m surprised by how difficult I’m finding the approach to the first year. I mean I knew it would be difficult, but there have been lots of difficults throughout the year that we have got through. Dd’s birthday is on 21 Feb - so six days before her Dad died last year we were all out for dinner, including dd’s then boyfriend. I remember that night so clearly - what we ate, the conversations we had, what Dh wore (not difficult as he always wore a red arran cardi!). Her birthday this year, and I suspect from now on, is going to be a bittersweet affair.

Juan we are slightly in limbo at the moment because his tumour markers have started to rise again so waiting for oncology appointment next week to see if anything needs doing now or if he can continue on same medication for a while longer.
But he is here and I know you would give anything for that.

I try very hard not to fall into anticipatory grief because I know that whatever it is I think I'm going through it doesn't even start to compare to what you are dealing with.

I know a guy who lost his DW a few years ago and he has been looking after their DC's on his own since then. I had a chat with him a few weeks ago. He said the first year was horrendous and the only challenge he set himself was to get through it. He said he found Year 2 very difficult because although the immediate horror had passed he found the permanence of the loss more overwhelming at times. But then he said Year 3 for him was the time when he started looking forward again and he could start to see a future. He wasn't 'over' her death of course but the thing that struck me that he said he was able to focus more on all the positives she had brought to his life and celebrate that rather than be floored every time he thought about her loss.

I hope the next few days pass as kindly as they can for you x

Juan I think about you often. My father had kidney problems (didn’t your DH have a kidney transplant?)

It’s my dad’s birthday today. He would have been 65. It’s four years since I’ve seen him.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s hard. My Mam struggles four years on but for her, the first year was definitely the hardest.

I’m so pleased you have a great support network. You will get through this. It’s so hard to adjust though.