It’s nearly a year since Dh died

[JuanPotatoTwo]

27th Feb will mark the first year without him, I can hardly believe it.

I’m so tired - mentally and physically. I haven’t had a proper night’s sleep since he died.

People have been amazing, on here and in RL. I had the most amazing Woolly Hug which totally overwhelmed me, and which I look at every day. I had an incrediblly supportive thread full of kind and wise posters. But round about June I found it too painful to go back to the thread as I associated it with those painful intense early dark days.

There have of course been good times - I’ve made some friends in the most unexpected ways (the funeral administrator being one!), I’ve learnt the value of existing friends (some of who I hadn’t been in touch with since school), and I think the dc and I have become closer. But, being honest, there’ve been many more bad times than good :(

I thought I was doing as ok as could be expected but since new year (literally - since NYE) I just feel I’ve taken a massive backward step. I have a strong feeling in my mind that if I can only make it to the 27th, I will have proven to Dh that I can do it on my own and that he can come back now. Stupid I know. I don’t know what to do. I try to keep on for the dc and for my lovely friends but it’s so hard, and getting harder.

I miss him so much and really feel there’s no point to me anymore - not planning on doing anything drastic though! I’m sorry if this is moany. I’m not moany in rl (I hope) but I’m finding the run up to the first anniversary so difficult.

Been thinking of you lass.

I hope you get some time now to mend your sails Juan

Just sending some hugs and thinking of you Juan x

Hang on in there x

Hello all. Thanks for posting - I’m hanging! Only just though. How are you doing squirrels? I’ve arranged to start bereavement counselling next week.

Glad you've got the counselling sorted Juan. Hope it provides some comfort.

Thank you dahliaaa, I probably should’ve done it sooner but didn’t think I needed it. How is your Dh dping? And you?

hello Juan - I think its a good idea to go for counselling - it can be very effective .
Still in my thoughts - how are you coping with the weather, keeping safe and warm I hope

That's good to hear Juan I'm sure that doing things in your own time is the way forward...no point going before you feel ready.

We are ok thanks Juan - it's always 'there' of course but trying to keep onwards and upwards regardless. Bone scan etc due this month to check progression.

Hope the counselling helps Juan.

I'm okay, just full of cold and very fed up with it and having no one to look after me at the moment - but generally okay x

Hello book and MrsJ, thanks for dropping in.

You sound so brave dahliaaa. I used to feel exhausted sometimes being the “coper”, and I know Mark used to feel guilty. That, in turn, would upset me because he had absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

Squirrels hope you feel better soon. It’s hard, that feeling of not having anyone to care isn’t it? I had a really bad head on the Friday before Mark died, and he was so concerned about me, and here he was, dead by the Monday morning :(. Sending you “get better quick” vibes.

A year for me too in mid February . Like you my DH deteriorated over a weekend and died just after midnight on a Monday morning . I found the build up to the anniversary difficult and relived the final weeks which were very intensive . By the time his anniversary arrived I felt as if the worst was over. The day before felt more like the anniversary as when we got up on the day he died it felt like it had happened the previous day .
I too hated the fact that the first year is over and felt like clinging on to that year . I can't believe that in May DH will have missed 2 birthdays .
I hope your days get easier as time goes by . I'm not further enough down the road to offer much advice, only that I'm on the same road

I'm so sorry you are going through this too Teawaster

Juan I'm not even vaguely brave. Although I am trying to fake it a bit. I hope the weekend is going ok for you.

I just wanted to pop my head around the door.
Thinking of you (hugs)

Oh Tea, I’m so sorry to hear that - thank you for posting. I hope things get easier for you too - if you want to pm me I’m happy to stumble along the path of these early days with you. Hope you have rl support.

Hi book, nice to see you. Dahliaaa you are brave - faking it takes courage!

I hope this next comment doesn’t sound insensitive but I’ve realised in the last few weeks that another thing I miss about life with Mark is hospital visits. We spent so much of our time at clinics, appointments, in-stays, check-ups etc :(. That does sound weird doesn’t it? But over 20+ years a lot of the staff became, if not friends, at least familiar friendly faces. Since Mark died I’m still in touch with his dialysis nurse, and the nurse at the gp surgery has become a friend.

No that doesn't sound weird at all Juan - it was a huge part of your life for a long time (along with the people you met along the way.)

We are at the start of what is a terminal diagnosis for my DH. We don’t know if he has months or years.

I am so, so sorry for your losses and pain. To know you have all kept walking through such dark woods is giving me a huge amount of strength at the moment. Thank you so much.
I wish you all peace tonight.

Been thinking of you. Hope all is as well as it can be.

I'm sorry you are in this position oneofthegrundys

OneOfTheGrundeys I’m sorry you’re finding yourself in this position. It’s draining and heartbreaking and exhausting as you just don’t know what will be thrown at you, or when, to deal with. I’m really glad that you are finding some of our stories helpful
for what will come your way.

Hugs to you all in this difficult position x

Thinking of you Juan. I don’t know what you believe but I truly do believe we see our loved ones again. That brings me so much comfort. Something that helps me as well is thinking that my life does not have to be fabulous from now on, it’s fine to just plod on and get through each day. Sending hugs.

So sorry you are going through this I hope it gets easier to live with in time. My husband had a sudden cardiac arrest last year, we are just past the one year anniversary. Although he is still with us and we are lucky to still have him he is in a minimally conscious state and he has not yet emerged into consciousness. I really grieve for him and our life although he is still here, but at the same time I am hopeful he may improve and come back to us in some way although the chance now is small. i just keep telling myself to get through the next day and try to remember the good times.

Oh halfacup, that is so sad 😞 my dad died of a cardiac arrest; just collapsed in the street. A long time ago now but I still feel his loss.

Still can't quite get my head round how someone is there one minute but gone the next.