It’s nearly a year since Dh died

[JuanPotatoTwo]

27th Feb will mark the first year without him, I can hardly believe it.

I’m so tired - mentally and physically. I haven’t had a proper night’s sleep since he died.

People have been amazing, on here and in RL. I had the most amazing Woolly Hug which totally overwhelmed me, and which I look at every day. I had an incrediblly supportive thread full of kind and wise posters. But round about June I found it too painful to go back to the thread as I associated it with those painful intense early dark days.

There have of course been good times - I’ve made some friends in the most unexpected ways (the funeral administrator being one!), I’ve learnt the value of existing friends (some of who I hadn’t been in touch with since school), and I think the dc and I have become closer. But, being honest, there’ve been many more bad times than good :(

I thought I was doing as ok as could be expected but since new year (literally - since NYE) I just feel I’ve taken a massive backward step. I have a strong feeling in my mind that if I can only make it to the 27th, I will have proven to Dh that I can do it on my own and that he can come back now. Stupid I know. I don’t know what to do. I try to keep on for the dc and for my lovely friends but it’s so hard, and getting harder.

I miss him so much and really feel there’s no point to me anymore - not planning on doing anything drastic though! I’m sorry if this is moany. I’m not moany in rl (I hope) but I’m finding the run up to the first anniversary so difficult.

Glad to hear you’re all happier now Rach, I like hearing happy endings.

Willow thanks for nail envy! Yes dd’s birthday was hard but we’ve done all the firsts now. Apart, of course, from the anniversary of his death :(. He deteriorated over the weekend last year and died very early on the Monday morning so we’re really on the final countdown now.

those are very glamorous nails Juan ! Mine are not worth the effort - too much gardening and using as tools .
One step at a time - it is all firsts, so it will never be quite the same again, not easier or harder, just different (hugs)

Love the nails Juan !

(We've had the latest blood test results for DH - oncology appointment now next week. As we expected the tumour markers are up a bit so we just need to wait and find out what is the oncologists trigger result for making the final decision that this treatment has now failed and DH needs to try something else. There are some other options though. Thank you for remembering !)

I hope the next few days go by as peacefully as possible. Will be thinking of you x

Hallo, ElPeskyJuan.

Sorry I have not been around at this awful time for you.

I have taken a huge step back from social media but I have still thought of you so very often & am glad I've caught up with you at this time.

I think of you so often................. so much love goes out to you.

so sorry for your loss Juan. I am fortunate that this far I haven't lost anyone close to me since my grandad when I was 11 but I am keeping this for when I need it and hope it's helpful for you too. www.thelossfoundation.org/grief-comes-in-waves/

Hi Juan it's lovely of you to start a new thread, it does take courage to talk about such raw emotion. At times it can feel easier to lock it all away, but it's good to share.

I have thought of you over the past year as so many people have, and I just wanted to add to the love by saying how beautiful is your story with Mark, a truly amazing love and life well- lived.

Thinking of you Juan -a tough weekend for you . Love to you and yours

Thinking of you and yours Juan. Love to all. ((Hugs))

Thank you so much for thinking of us :(. Can’t write much at the minute - just wanted to let everyone know how much I appreciate the thoughts, and how comforting it is knowing there are people out there sparing us some kindness x

Been thinking of you yesterday and today Juan.
I hope you are getting though the day okay - for me the anticipation of significant dates has proved to be worse than the days themselves, I hope this has been the case for you x

Hugs. I know 'unmumsnetty' and I don't care. Think of them in whatever positive and supportive way might help.

I've not lost a husband, but the anniversaries of my parents' deaths were hard. Coming up to them I didn't know what to do with myself. Once passed I was calmer and stronger again. I hope it's the same for you.

I remember your thread last year, Juan. And the photo of Mark - good looking chap. Thinking of you and your children today

Just popping in here to say I'm thinking of you too x

and hugs for tomorrow, Juan.

Thinking of you and your family and friends Juan ❤️

Juan I was on a course all day today but just wanted to let you know that I raised my (warm and a bit flat - sorry!) Diet Coke to you both at lunchtime.
I'm sure today was bloody awful - but you did it x

Thinking of you & your family tonight Juan

Juan I've just realised I was a day early with my flat coke (can't even get that right !)
Sending you peace and strength for tomorrow.

Thinking of you & sending love.

Thinking of you, sending love and strength

A very difficult time Juan. Take good care of yourself. Words seem inadequate but hope the love vibes reach you and give you strength amongst the sadness.

Hi Juan....have seen you about, read some of your posts, but never posted on them. Here to tell you it does get better. Apparently the year anniversary is a massive stumbling block. You go down before you come back up....and it's always worst around the one year mark. Look at how far you've come....you're doing amazing. Very unmumsnetty hugs....from a fellow widow

Thinking of you and yours today Juan. No words just love and hugs.

Thinking of you and your family, Juan.

Thank you everyone for your love and thoughts and good wishes. It really continues to amaze me that so many people care. So good to see familiar faces, as well as new ones too!

I’m profoundly glad the last few days are over :(.
Squirrels, like you, I’ve generally found the anticipation of most of the “firsts” to be worse than the actual day, but not so for the first anniversary. Found it very very difficult - as Whywontthey says, a massive stumbling block. I really hope you’ll find it easier and deal with it better.

I couldn’t stop all sorts of really vivid memories from Mark’s last few days rushing in and replaying with startling clarity. I even remembered a few little details I’d forgotten about - nothing important, just snippets of convo and the like from our last three or four days together. It almost felt as if I was right back there just before the start of this horrible journey.

Whywontthey thank you for your message, and I’m sorry for your loss. It’s good to hear you say it gets better, mistoff’s link about grief being like waves was good to read too. I really do think I’ve regressed a lot since the beginning of the year, and I can see that I still haven’t properly accepted he’s gone for good. As I said earlier, the 27th represented in my mind the end of the first year and somehow also the end of this horrid situation. Not so, of course :(.

I feel totally empty and flat today - a bit like everyone says you’ll feel after the funeral when the fuss dies down. The children have gone back to work/school, so the house feels quiet and empty (and cold!). But I do feel better for having come through the last few days, and I feel as if I can breathe a bit easier now. Thank you all again for helping me get here