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Original poster

It’s nearly a year since Dh died

110 replies

JuanPotatoTwo · 18/02/2018 20:01

27th Feb will mark the first year without him, I can hardly believe it.

I’m so tired - mentally and physically. I haven’t had a proper night’s sleep since he died.

People have been amazing, on here and in RL. I had the most amazing Woolly Hug which totally overwhelmed me, and which I look at every day. I had an incrediblly supportive thread full of kind and wise posters. But round about June I found it too painful to go back to the thread as I associated it with those painful intense early dark days.

There have of course been good times - I’ve made some friends in the most unexpected ways (the funeral administrator being one!), I’ve learnt the value of existing friends (some of who I hadn’t been in touch with since school), and I think the dc and I have become closer. But, being honest, there’ve been many more bad times than good :(

I thought I was doing as ok as could be expected but since new year (literally - since NYE) I just feel I’ve taken a massive backward step. I have a strong feeling in my mind that if I can only make it to the 27th, I will have proven to Dh that I can do it on my own and that he can come back now. Stupid I know. I don’t know what to do. I try to keep on for the dc and for my lovely friends but it’s so hard, and getting harder.

I miss him so much and really feel there’s no point to me anymore - not planning on doing anything drastic though! I’m sorry if this is moany. I’m not moany in rl (I hope) but I’m finding the run up to the first anniversary so difficult.

OP posts:
Willow2017 · 19/02/2018 07:59

Just popping my head round the door to say we are all still thinking of you and your incredible family and sending love and hugs Juan.

It really is no time at all and there is no timetable you need to follow to 'get over your grief'. You are doing so well but you cant see it yourself as the pain is too close.

Just KBO in your own way. There isnt a right or wrong way to do it, just your way.
Take care Flowers

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 19/02/2018 08:25

daahlia It’s so hard living in that limbo I know. It takes a lot of courage to keep going and to live as normally as possible - whatever normal is. I hope your appointment next week will bring some clarity.

Mark always said he’d never make 50, and then when he did, I think I took my eye off the ball a bit. I don’t know if he did - I doubt it because he was genuinely grateful for every day that he was granted. But I sort of thought “well, he’s made it to 50, he’ll make it to 60 no problem”. And he made it to just over 52 :(.

This time last year he had less than a week to live. I remember him saying to me so clearly in that last week “I’m really happy at the minute. If I could just shake this everything would be perfect” (“this” being the “flu” we thought he had, but which was in fact sepsis). But the thing is, it wasn’t unusual for him to say things like that - he was always counting his blessings and telling us how he felt about us :(.

OP posts:
bookbook · 19/02/2018 08:48

Juan -
Others upthread have been so eloquent, that I don't think I can add anything.

You have been in my prayers since that first thread, and I just wanted to send you love and strength . Flowers

dahliaaa · 19/02/2018 09:17

Mark sounds so lovely Flowersx

Thinkingofausername1 · 19/02/2018 14:25

Sorry to hear what you have been through sending you hugs and Thanks

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 19/02/2018 15:53

AnotherPlace - thank you for your words, and I'm sorry for the loss of df. Yes, Mark had two kidney transplants - that's amazing that you remember that! I wasn't able to give Mark a kidney, and although I registered way back for a scheme called Paired Pooling, nothing ever came of it. I've just recently (after discussing it with the dc) been in touch with the transplant coordinator at the trust of the hospital Mark was treated in, to see if I can donate a kidney now.

Hello book and Willow - lovely to see familiar faces. Such kind words too. Thinking - hugs always welcome :)

OP posts:
Babyblues052 · 19/02/2018 16:00

This breaks my heart. I'm sitting crying typing. I don't know why yours threads and updates have struck me. But you are so strong and I have no doubt you'll get through. Look after yourself and your children, so sorry for your loss. Flowers

rainbowruthie · 19/02/2018 16:00

Just sending you a huge hug and wishing you strength at this difficult time xxx

LuckyBitches · 19/02/2018 16:18

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP FlowersFlowersFlowers

Well done for getting through the first year.

there’s no point to me anymore. What point is there to any of us, ultimately? All that matters is that we show each other kindness. I'm sure you're loved and valued by the people who know you.

AnotherPlaceAnotherTime · 19/02/2018 18:17

Juan there is absolutely a point to you. You gave me such comfort with your strength and kindness last year on your thread.

I don’t think there is anything you can do but take things one day at a time. You have to process this massive change to your life at your own pace and in your own way.

But know that you are loved by your friends and family.

dahliaaa · 19/02/2018 19:03

I find this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson comforting if I ever question the point of any of us:

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.

MrsJonesAndMe · 19/02/2018 19:05

You are your childrens' whole world now and that is the biggest thing to keep you going now, I know that. Here for a handhold when ever you need (in person too)

NotTheFordType · 19/02/2018 19:24

Dahliaaa what a lovely quote. Thank you for posting, I am saving that.

Juan, my birthday is 7 days after my husband's death. The first two years, we decided that just like the Queen, I was going to have an Official birthday to celebrate, a month later than usual. Perhaps your DD could consider something similar?

dahliaaa · 19/02/2018 20:03

Here is the full quote x

 To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. 

SirGawain · 19/02/2018 20:35

Not an original comment I know but; sometimes the only way out is through.

Rach000 · 19/02/2018 21:22

My mum died nearly 8 years ago when she was 51. She had kidney problems as well and had a transplant. She ended up with sepsis as well as other things at the end.
The first year was hard, still is at times but has got easier. Hope it does for you as well.
What an amazing thing to do, seeing if you can donate a kidney.

drainsup · 19/02/2018 21:50

Hi OP, I've been keeping up with your story. Haven't lost my husband but have lost my sister, my dad young and lost the love of my life because he didn't want our life together. I can't begin to understand but what I can say is the run up to the anniversaries are usually worse than the day itself. It's all a journey and not one we'd chose to embark on. Everything is still very raw for you and I just wanted you to know that there is another complete internet stranger thinking of you and how amazing you've been. John would be so proud of you xx

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 19/02/2018 23:49

Baby I'm sorry I made you cry - hope you've stopped now :).

When I'm having a clear sighted day I know there's a point to me, just like there is to every single one of us. But some days its hard to see past the fact that the strongest source of everything (love, hope, confidence, friendship, guidance, wisdom, fidelity etc etc)in my life has gone. Dahliaaa thank you for that quote - it's very uplifting. And AnotherPlace I don't remember what I said to you (sadly not an unusual occurrence these days!) but, whatever it was, I'm glad it gave you comfort!

Not - that's such a good idea. Too late for this year now as arrangements have been made, but I will certainly suggest it to her for next year.

Rach gosh your mum's circumstances sound very similar to Mark's - I'm sorry you lost her when she was still so young.

Thank you to all of you who have taken the time to think of us and to post - so comforting.

OP posts:
bookbook · 22/02/2018 14:51

just popping my head around the door - just to say I am thinking of you

dahliaaa · 22/02/2018 19:33

And me ... x

SelenaValentina · 22/02/2018 21:40

Me too. We can do this, we can ....... Flowers

Mrstobe90 · 22/02/2018 21:41

I'm so sorry for your loss! Xxx

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 22/02/2018 23:03

Hello :) and thanks for posting. Dd’s birthday yesterday was sad. dahliaaa how did the oncology appointment go?

On a slightly different note - half my nails painted black today. The nail lady made me let her paint red hearts on one of my nails!

It’s nearly a year since Dh died
OP posts:
Rach000 · 23/02/2018 08:36

It does sound quite similar. She only got the transplant a few months before she died. Think she was too weak to fight off all the infections and it was too much.
But we are doing loads better as a family now than we were in the couple of years after she died. We are happy, still miss her of course. My dad has re married and is also happy and I am happy he has found someone to spend time with. So does get better with time, hope it does for you eventually.

Willow2017 · 23/02/2018 15:10

HI Juan
Lovely nails, am very jealous.

Your DD's birthday was another 'first'? It must have been hard for you all. ((hugs))