Is this financial control or should I work more?

[ReginaPhalangeismyothername]

I've had another fall out with my husband about money. Here is our situation:
Husband works full time, sometimes late/sometimes weekends but self employed. He earns approx 12k a year, refuses to get a job to better our circumstances.
I also work part time, around 10 hours a week and attend college 2 full days a week.
I do all of the childcare, all of the house stuff, all of the running around for clubs etc.
I'm getting really frustrated as he takes all of the tax credits and child benefit, says he needs it for cash flow for his business and he pays the bills. He also manages to fund a weed addiction, drinks (at home) every weekend and smokes. I on the other hand have to buy the food with the money I earn and put petrol in the car, anything i have left goes on the kids clubs.
He seems to think I should work more if I'd like more money, however, I have tried going back to work full time and ended up doing everything for the children and the house and having a full time job. He basically wants me to work as long as it doesn't affect him. I'm tempted to get more hours and tell him he needs to fund half of the childcare.
I'm fed up of never having any money to buy some jeans if I need them or a lunch with a friend. I always have to ask him if I need money and sometimes its fine, he has it to give me. Othertimes he doesn't have it ( while chugging away on a fag and beer).
It's been sparked tonight by me asking if we can call into my ikea as we are passing. He said I need to work more To earn the money if I want to go there ( I've had a list of some bits we need for about 9 months but never had the money). He is off out tonighT to spend probably about £50 celebrating a family members birthday.
I know if we separated id be better off or at the least, in control of my own money.

I've told him I want to separate, feel very scared about the future now. I wish I had enough money to buy a little house, everything is so much easier if you have money.

Get copies of everything you can (all financials) in case he turns nasty. FWIW I tend to think people are far too quick in here to say ltb but in your case you are absolutely doing the right thing. It's scary, but you and your children will be better off in the meantime. Good luck x

Yellow - don’t give bullshit and frightening advice. A Judge isn’t going to make a judgment that leaves OP effectively homeless.

OP go and get legal advice

And for now;

• call TC and CB and explain the situation and have the claims transferred to you.

• register home rights with land registry.

And just as a suggestion; you may want to consider reporting him to the police re coercive control.

You certainly would benefit from the support of women’s aid.

I just wanted to wish you well and to say well done on taking the first step.
Best wishes to you, whatever happens you will be better off than you are now. Keep that in your head and keep going!

Good luck x

Five joints a night would cost me about 90 quid a week. 60 when I've not been smoking and tolerance is low.

£15 a day would be more accurate actually.

I challenged him on this and he said he'd been smoking hash which meant he was smoking less weed. I have no idea about these things which he knows so he could be telling me any old bs and I'd have no idea if it was true or not.

Hash is cannabis resin. Its not that much cheaper but is a lot more potent. He's not doing it to save money, he's doing it because he needs a more potent hit for the same money.

hash is expensive too...hardly any different. No offence but he sounds like he is pulling the wool over your eyes due to your lack of knowledge about weed/hash etc.
However fear not, MN is full of old pot heads on the quiet, and we can advise..:)

Would it be wrong of you to have evidence of him partaking in this illegal activity. What I mean is is it something you can use to get a more reasonable response from him?

Can you work out the finances backwards, to see how much he is putting. Ie, morgage, billls etc. Then the benefits he is getting, I bet you find he is not adding to the pot very much at all. He is just using the benefits to keep HIM in the manor to which HE is accustomed.

Feel very low today. It's so hard to take the leap and assume you will be happier at the end of it. What if I'm not?? I'm hoping the further I go the more I will see how the things I have had to put up with aren't right. I don't have any anger to drive it on, don't know if that's a good thing or not.

Reading your posts, you seem quite laid back and easy going. Which is great, but you do need a certain fire in your belly. To make a change, you have to 'make' a change, if that makes sense. Why not write it all down a list of the good and bad things in the relationship. Get it clear in your head. Have you started on the financial side of things yet ?

Op

This man would be so much worse off if he was on his own.

I haven’t rtft but don’t back down now

It’s money for you and the kids. You are virtually a single mother anyway so why be so afraid to have one less child living with you and extra cash coming in?

I guess I'd just like to fast forward all this messy stuff. I want him to sort himself out, be a good father when he sees the dc and have a life he enjoys, and the same for me obviously. I know I can't sort his life out for him but I hope this gives him the kick he needs to change the negatives in his life.

What are your plans op?

He needs to man up and get a job that supports his family 12k that’s shocking. He is financially abusive you should get the tax credits and family allowance it’s to there to maintain his business but provide for the family

I was in a similar ish situation OP with a financial controller, being told to work more hours. He took the child benefit away too. I held on for 7 years thinking things might improve. It just got worse.

I now get ALL benefits paid to me and have full control of my finances. I live in the family home with the kids.

There was a nasty period of about 6 months getting sorted. But I'm actually now BETTER OFF and on benefits. I have control over my money and he's not here taking funds away from the kids constantly.

Gingerbread were really helpful.

Best of luck OP xxx

So I was over at my mums house yesterday and the chap who lives opposite mentioned he was sorting his house out to rent. It would be perfect, just down the road from the girls school, over the road from my mum. It means he could stay in the house for when the children are with him and I would get housing benefit.
It just seems too soon to be sorting that stuff out but I don't want to miss out on what could be a brilliant opportunity. I'd be so much more likely to get a house if I can explain my predicament to the landlord and tell them I am going to college and eventually uni.
I feel pressured to decide but we haven't even told the dc yet, I don't want To make it even harder for them.

Thanks freshfigs, I'll check gingerbread out. Looks like there is some good advice for dealing with the dc.

Sounds amazing op! I really hope you get that house. Don't stop now you're almost free!

That's a sign OP.
Don't lose out thinking about it all too much.
This guy is dope head and that's not a good example for your DC.
He's not good for you at all.
Get out and be near your mum.
Your life will improve immeasurably once you are out.
Take that leap.
You get one shot at this life.

You are right. I'm going to tell my mum and suggest to dh that we tell the dc so that it's all out in the open. I'll be able to make plans then!