Is this financial control or should I work more?

[ReginaPhalangeismyothername]

I've had another fall out with my husband about money. Here is our situation:
Husband works full time, sometimes late/sometimes weekends but self employed. He earns approx 12k a year, refuses to get a job to better our circumstances.
I also work part time, around 10 hours a week and attend college 2 full days a week.
I do all of the childcare, all of the house stuff, all of the running around for clubs etc.
I'm getting really frustrated as he takes all of the tax credits and child benefit, says he needs it for cash flow for his business and he pays the bills. He also manages to fund a weed addiction, drinks (at home) every weekend and smokes. I on the other hand have to buy the food with the money I earn and put petrol in the car, anything i have left goes on the kids clubs.
He seems to think I should work more if I'd like more money, however, I have tried going back to work full time and ended up doing everything for the children and the house and having a full time job. He basically wants me to work as long as it doesn't affect him. I'm tempted to get more hours and tell him he needs to fund half of the childcare.
I'm fed up of never having any money to buy some jeans if I need them or a lunch with a friend. I always have to ask him if I need money and sometimes its fine, he has it to give me. Othertimes he doesn't have it ( while chugging away on a fag and beer).
It's been sparked tonight by me asking if we can call into my ikea as we are passing. He said I need to work more To earn the money if I want to go there ( I've had a list of some bits we need for about 9 months but never had the money). He is off out tonighT to spend probably about £50 celebrating a family members birthday.
I know if we separated id be better off or at the least, in control of my own money.

How many joints a night is he having?

He’s a loser. Ltb and set a good example to your kids. Seeing him taking the piss and you being downtrodden isn’t helping them.

It basically all goes into his bank: his earnings, tax credits, cb. All bills and his spends also come out of here so I'm sure in a bizarre way he must think he uses his own money for that and then uses the benefits to pay the bills! When I asked for the same he spends on beer tonight to spend in ikea it didn't go down well. Like the money I would spend would be a waste!!

I've got no idea, he spends most of the evening in a room smoking and on his computer "invoicing and working out prices" while me and the dc are downstairs.

He is spending your children's money on drugs and alcohol. Do you really have to ask if you should stay with him?

Run a fucking mile, and when you've finished, run a bit more. Good luck.

It all started to go into his account when he was getting a mortgage for the house we live in (it's only him on the mortgage) as the lender took this money into account. It used to go into mine.

He's not spending a small amount on weed then either. I smoke myself and if I were to smoke from 6pm - midnight every night it'd cost me between £60 and £90 a week. The more consecutive days I do it the more week I'd need to use so he won't be doing it sparingly if he never stops.

Have you seen any proof he is actually earning? I suspect he isn't actually earning or if he is it's all funding his weed which is why he's using family money for his business. What he means is without it he can't afford weed. He doesn't give a shit what you need

What reasons did your abusive H give you for not being named on the mortgage application?.

I would seek legal advice asap to find out where exactly you stand re the finances and children. As you are married to him, your legal position is more favourable.

And not all men spend all weekend in the pub either. That is simply what your H does.

The more weed I'd need*

it's only him on the mortgage

Why?

Massive alarm bells ringing!

Why on earth is only he on the mortgage?

He’d earn more in a minimum wage job than he’s bringing in now & he’s spending the family money on booze & drugs while you can’t have a new pair of jeans?

C’mon, you deserve better than this, so do your kids

I also suspect undeclared/cash in hand earnings for the drugs.

With regards child benefit "Where a husband and wife are residing together the wife has priority of entitlement. " Don't ask just do it.

What are you studying and what is the timescale?

Doesn't matter about deeds and mortgage as you are married it's still 50% yours legally!!!

Dear god. Sort the financies. Have cb etc put in your account and Leave.

It often amazes me what some women will accept.

OP why on earth did you agree to the tax credits and CB going in his account?

He's self employed and earning £12k a year full time? He's clearly crap at what he does!! There's no way he should be using child benefit for his 'business'. I think you should separate, the weed and finiancail control would be enough for me but sounds like he's a lazy bastard as well!!

He's clearly crap at what he does!!

Well he’s either high, drunk or hungover so what can you expect!

I read on here about people who were self employed only paying themselves 12k to remain within a certain tax range, think it was completely tax free.

He is likely to be earning much more whilst declaring not and telling you the same story.

The child benefit has a clue in the name, jay for the benefit of the child/children.

What a selfish, selfish man.
I smoke ( not indoors either ) I would never let my family go without. Drink and drugs are a different story. He is a disgrace.

Op, you and your dc deserve much better.
Him affording a home if you split is not your concern. It's like he has trained you to think like this.

Please speak up for yourself, take care

I'm raging just reading that. He's toxic.

I'm wondering how he got a mortgage on just £12k a year salary and tax credits?

Can you check somehow whether he's paying himself just £12k salary, but can also pay himself dividends from the business? This is a way that many self employed people make themselves most tax efficient.

I got into quite a lot of debt and negative equity on a previous home I owned so I had to declare myself bankrupt. I didn't have any way or of repaying what I owed and I wasn't working when he applied for the mortgage for the house we live in now. I know it's not great that I'm not on the mortgage but presumably his bank account will show that it's the tax credits that have been paying it?
I honestly don't know how it's happened like this, gradually over time he's taken control, bit by bit and I've got ground down. I'm not a demanding person and it doesn't bother me not having new things all the time, I think this is why it's taken so long to come to a head.
I'm in education for the another year and a half before I start a degree so unfortunately it's a long old road.

You both sound like you need to grow up and deal sensibly with money. Him for working full time for that salary whilst wasting money on drugs and alcohol and you for having to go bankrupt and now work just a few token hours despite having a family to feed.

You are both the main role models for your children, is this money management, work ethic and drug use really what you want them to emulate?

Did you miss the part where I said I was going to college and on to do a degree?

Tax credits and child benefit should be spent on family/children.

Yes. This is financial abuse by an obvious drug and drink abuser.

Did you miss the part where I said I was going to college and on to do a degree

No.

You said you had a really good job before and were independent so you obviously don't need to retrain but want too. Most people with chdilfen study at night and open uni so that they can still work to provide rather than the luxury of doing a few hours and letting others do it for them.

You both could be doing far more not just him.