Is this financial control or should I work more?

[ReginaPhalangeismyothername]

I've had another fall out with my husband about money. Here is our situation:
Husband works full time, sometimes late/sometimes weekends but self employed. He earns approx 12k a year, refuses to get a job to better our circumstances.
I also work part time, around 10 hours a week and attend college 2 full days a week.
I do all of the childcare, all of the house stuff, all of the running around for clubs etc.
I'm getting really frustrated as he takes all of the tax credits and child benefit, says he needs it for cash flow for his business and he pays the bills. He also manages to fund a weed addiction, drinks (at home) every weekend and smokes. I on the other hand have to buy the food with the money I earn and put petrol in the car, anything i have left goes on the kids clubs.
He seems to think I should work more if I'd like more money, however, I have tried going back to work full time and ended up doing everything for the children and the house and having a full time job. He basically wants me to work as long as it doesn't affect him. I'm tempted to get more hours and tell him he needs to fund half of the childcare.
I'm fed up of never having any money to buy some jeans if I need them or a lunch with a friend. I always have to ask him if I need money and sometimes its fine, he has it to give me. Othertimes he doesn't have it ( while chugging away on a fag and beer).
It's been sparked tonight by me asking if we can call into my ikea as we are passing. He said I need to work more To earn the money if I want to go there ( I've had a list of some bits we need for about 9 months but never had the money). He is off out tonighT to spend probably about £50 celebrating a family members birthday.
I know if we separated id be better off or at the least, in control of my own money.

seems like you are not fully aware of your family income (business side as well as home side) not sure i'd call this abuse but always seeing money being spent on his stuff and being told there is nothing for you is crap.
you need to see the full budget and take charge of the purse strings.
the smoking and drinking is a waste of money and should be given up period.

I did have a good job before but no qualifications to go back in at the same level I left at unfortunately.

So he’s lazy, controlling, a shit dad, a druggie, a smoker, an alcoholic, selfish and a shit...

Your kids shouldn't love him TBH...

He doesn’t think you are ‘workshy’ he is just trying to limit your earning capacity by undermining your retraining...

Run away.

(It doesn’t matter whose name is on the house BTW if you are married)

So it’s ok for him to spend money on weed and beer but you can’t spend money on anything else? Plus that child benefit that he “needs” is not going towards his business if he’s spending £50 at the pub is it? That child benefit is being drunk. Why can’t he not drink, not smoke and you get the child benefit towards what the children need. What “benefit” are your kids getting out of him drinking??! He’s financially abusing you and your kids. You don’t have to put up with this. You clearly aren’t happy and he isn’t being fair or reasonable. He’s treating you like a slave. Not all men are down the pub all weekend! You sound like an intelligent/capable woman. Why are you listening and accepting this rubbish? You know that’s not true. You know that the tax credits and benefits is yours by right and how do you know this? Because if you split up all of that comes to YOU not him. It’s yours. No this. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life never being able to buy a pair of jeans if you need them? What sort of life is that?

Bollocks is he on £12k. He’s fiddling the books. He’s also a cunt to take the cb and tax credits. You’re married, so if you do divorce, the house is half yours anyway.

I got into quite a lot of debt and negative equity on a previous home I owned so I had to declare myself bankrupt.

Before you were married? How is your credit rating now, OP? This does explain why the mortgage etc might all be in his name, but it’s no excuse for the whole situation now.

1. Child benefit is to benefit the children. Take it back. Ditto tax credits.
2. Discuss looking at the budget as a whole and understanding how much you truly have as a household. Tell him you’re thinking of working more but need to understand how it affects tax credits etc - play him at his own manipulative game - and find out the true position.
3. if he refuses, make plans to leave.
4. if you don’t like what you see, make plans to leave.

Regardless of ANYTHING else, a man who smokes weed/drinks every night and doesn’t interact with his children is a poor father, husband and role model.

What qualification are you currently doing?

I was with a financially abusive husband and we have 2 dcs. I decided I'd had enough, asked for 100% view of all our finances and equal decision-making as I was also being severely shortchanged - taking care of me and kids, and him taking care of himself and his needs. Basically, gave him an ultimatum. He couldn't do it, and we're nearly 2 years post-separation and divorce nearly finalised. I'm happiest I've been in years, kids (5 & 8) are happy and have a good relationship with him....and leaving him, his pettiness and financially abusive self remains one of my best decisions. Nothing beats being in control of your own life/happiness and I know my girls are learning that too! Good luck..

....plus shared care means he's finally pulling his weight with dcs and I get time to take care of myself, go on courses to further develop, grow my business, see my friends etc. I'm living the life I used to crave!

he takes all of the tax credits and child benefit, says he needs it for cash flow for his business and he pays the bills. He also manages to fund a weed addiction, drinks (at home) every weekend and smokes

Cheeky sod needs to use the money he spends on weed, cigarettes and alcohol for his business cash flow and the child benefit needs to be spent on the kids. Selfish bastard

Ditto what **CaptainM said.
I am in the same position after years of financial abuse, it creeps up very slowly and before you know it you are looking on pavements for lost change even though you are working but all your money goes on the kids. Lots of us have been in your position op, but the sense of empowerment you will get taking control of your finances, and life, is pretty damned good.

I really hope you leave and give yourself a much better life. (If you are in college you may also be eligible for student grants, I am.)

Op I was in a similar position. Looking back I was doing fine and financially independent then after dc it went down hill as I had to take jobs that went around his work.

In the end he said if I couldn’t pay half the bills I needed to ship out. I went full time but I paid everything for ds in terms of clothes, childcare, classes etc and half the bills. I wear second hand clothes.

When I finally found the opportunity to separate it transpires he’s £££££ in debt. Where did money go - I’ll never know.

It’s been hard but ds is happy we aren’t together (but I’ve grit my teeth and ensured ds has good relationship with father).

I hope you’re able to go it alone as if you don’t your future may be insecure

My DH works hard all week.....he has never then spent all weekend in the pub, nor would he smoke anything....not all men do this
Truely you would be so much better off without him!

I used to be in a financially abusive rellationship.
The minute I took control he hated it, but what came to light was the fact that I am perfectly capable of managing on my own AND be so much better off financially and emotionally.
It transpired that most of the money spent were on him and his hobbies. That he’s shit at budgeting. And that he had a weird attitude (and completely imcompatible with mine) about buying stuff: if he wanted it, he got it. Slap it on the credit card. It was me paying it up in full, not him, and it wasn’t even my credit card!!! He mocked my ‘save first, buy afterwards’ attitude for years. Made me doubt my own capabilities and earnings.
I’m so so much happier now!

I'm doing a part time pre access course so I don't know if I'd be eligible for any grants. Worth an ask though. Yep, we all wear second hand clothes, it was only when I went to college with other people in similar family set ups to me that I realised things weren't quite right. I'm pretty laid back and I don't think it's helped!

My mum stayed in an abusive relationship- for us kids. My younger sister made similar comments as your child re other seperated families.

It was living hell and as I got older I just resented my mum more and more, I have limited relationship with her now. She was the adult and should never have used us as the reason to stay.

You are the adult here. Kids adapt. Leave him, it won't get better. This is no life for any of you.

Why can’t you go back to a job like your last one? Then kick him into touch?

My old job involved a lot of travel and I'd often be away Monday to Friday, i don't know if I'd be able to get back into it after such a long time out.
I've known for some time this situation isn't really resolvable, I think that's why I've put off dealing with it.

You NEED to leave him. Your children deserve so much better, I think you know this. I suspect you also know that he wouldn't be able to have a weed problem without your kids money, I'm sure he'd be able to give up if he couldn't afford it
Also op, you don't need to justify to people when they ask you about your education. You're obviously trying to better yourself so just try and reply to people who are actually being helpful in your opinion

I need to do some maths and figure out the monthly outgoings to see how much we need to live on.

It's so overwhelming, where do I even start?
And thank you rolling for your kind words.

Jesus wept! What a twat he is. Get rid of him.

You could try keeping a full and accurate record of all your own income and outgoings for a week or month and ask him to do the same. Then work out a budget together. I'm puzzled as to why child benefit and tax credits are not in your name and being paid into your account, can you change this? If 'D'H won't cooperate at all then it may be time for an ultimatum if you can face the prospect of LTB. Is there a chance that faced with that threat he might be willing to change?

If you separate I assume kids will be with you so you would hopefully be awarded more of any equity. If you are a single parent with kids your tax credits will increase so go to the online calculator to give you an idea of what you would be entitled to.

You would also be eligible for single person council tax rebate.

Also if your h will be having the kids a couple of days each week you would have time to do more paid work. Plus he would also have to pay child maintanence.

Personally I work full time but the hours are very flexible which fits around school, kids clubs etc and I am doing an evening uni course which is fully funded. I am also eligible for a small grant as I have dependants. Speak to your college/uni for possible help because there is help out there for mature students.
You may not think so but you do have options, it is very scary but taking control will be the making of you.