Is this financial control or should I work more?

[ReginaPhalangeismyothername]

I've had another fall out with my husband about money. Here is our situation:
Husband works full time, sometimes late/sometimes weekends but self employed. He earns approx 12k a year, refuses to get a job to better our circumstances.
I also work part time, around 10 hours a week and attend college 2 full days a week.
I do all of the childcare, all of the house stuff, all of the running around for clubs etc.
I'm getting really frustrated as he takes all of the tax credits and child benefit, says he needs it for cash flow for his business and he pays the bills. He also manages to fund a weed addiction, drinks (at home) every weekend and smokes. I on the other hand have to buy the food with the money I earn and put petrol in the car, anything i have left goes on the kids clubs.
He seems to think I should work more if I'd like more money, however, I have tried going back to work full time and ended up doing everything for the children and the house and having a full time job. He basically wants me to work as long as it doesn't affect him. I'm tempted to get more hours and tell him he needs to fund half of the childcare.
I'm fed up of never having any money to buy some jeans if I need them or a lunch with a friend. I always have to ask him if I need money and sometimes its fine, he has it to give me. Othertimes he doesn't have it ( while chugging away on a fag and beer).
It's been sparked tonight by me asking if we can call into my ikea as we are passing. He said I need to work more To earn the money if I want to go there ( I've had a list of some bits we need for about 9 months but never had the money). He is off out tonighT to spend probably about £50 celebrating a family members birthday.
I know if we separated id be better off or at the least, in control of my own money.

He's definitely taking the piss....

Don't doubt your own potential and worth.

Don't think of this as a reason not to leave, you absolutely should, but the fact he only declares the minimum to HMRC now, and the fact he seems like a manipulative schemer, would also severely limit the child maintenance he would be expected to pay. Budget accordingly....

You’ve said yourself this isn’t working you’ve said yourself it’s hard to leave.

Yes, it’s exactly that. It took me a number of years to get out. Mine was controlling and abusive and I was going downhill. One day he lost his job and everything changed. He had breakdown, I was then in control and o found out everything. He abusive but in about £30k debt certainly NOT accrued on either me or ds. Lots of other shit. That’s how I left. To this day he still first pay for ds and if I bring it up ie need some maintenance, his jaw is on the floor.

Don’t wait till you get that far. He won’t change do all you can do is cut him off and get out.

It's just hard to take that first step. I know I shouldn't feel so compassionate towards him but I've been so used to putting up with his negatives they almost don't register now. My perception of a 'normal' relationship has been so interfered with, I don't know what is normal anymore.

I'm going to bring it up tonight. Checked his internet history and he has been looking for divorce advice so I suppose at least we are on the same page. I've got no idea on how to start sorting out the children and the financial side of things......

I'm getting really frustrated as he takes all of the tax credits and child benefit, says he needs it for cash flow for his business and he pays the bills. He also manages to fund a weed addiction, drinks (at home) every weekend and smokes

I think he is massively taking the piss. I would find your situation completely unacceptable.

well I smoke and I can tell you that this is a big weed habit, like about 100 a week. Not doable with a family.
He really shouldn't be spending CB and CTC on weed, which is what he is essentially doing, no matter how he justifies it to himself.

in fact you should be getting the CB and CTC paid directly to you.You could just do this if you explained why when you apply, but I guess that might upset him.

Also if he is smoking that much weed, how is he when he doesn't have any? Shouty?

I suspect he won't be keen on divorce when he realises that you will get CB and CTC and he will be financially worse off. Start getting your ducks in a row, get CB and CTC paid into your account then transfer a set amount to joint one for the time being.

Turn2us us a website with a benefits calculator that you can use to figure out what you'll get if you were to separate. For now though, while you're still together, phone up tax credits and child benefit and change the account they go into. You can do that while he's at work. The money from both your earnings and child benefit and tax credits should be regarded by both of you as family money. You should both get the same amount of 'pocket money' after all the essentials have gone out. If he argues that as he earns more he should get more, add up how much it would cost to hire someone to do all the things you do at home: cleaning, childcare, shopping etc. and point out that that is how much your contribution is worth. I know for a fact that it'll amount to more than 12k a year.

I don't know what he is like when he hasn't had any, its been years since he has had a day off. If he was smoking say 5 spliffs (a conservative guess) a night l, how much on average do you think this would cost. He says he spends about £15 a week on it.

When it comes to the tax credits would I just do a new claim? Could he contest it, would I have to prove I'm the dc's primary carer?

if he has 5 spliffs a night , strong ones due to his high tolerance, trust me he will be spending wayyy more than £15 a week. more like £115. Trust me I know...

hang on you are getting tax credits as a couple right?
Why don't you just change the bank account to start with?

...as a minimum he will be smoking a gram a night, so that is £70 quid a week. Probably it is double that tbh.

He is using money that the government gives you specifically for the children's care on things for himself - his weed and his useless fucking business (what kind of business is it if it can't survive without money intended for his children?)

I think you have to accept that your boundaries and views on relationships are really skewed at the moment. He is taking the food from your children's mouths and you're saying it's not so bad because he's not drinking.

Leave him. Don't let your daughter grow up thinking that's what a good man looks like. And don't get involved with someone for a long time, either - you need to recalibrate.

You're joking, no wonder we've got no bloody money. I need to get a list from him of all the house hold direct debits and when they come out.

Trust me, I have no interest in getting in another relationship.

OK he might be buying it in larger quantities so he doesn't pay a tenner a gram. But stll, trust me, I know he will be spending a minimum of a hundred a week from what you have described of his habit.

He sounds like a very expensive and unaffordable luxury OP.

You don't need a new claim until you officially separate. Just phone up and give them your account details.

looks like you have had some good advice and your eyes opened OP. It's a tough step but sounds like you will all be better off. Good luck.

So he smokes and drinks and spends all his time on his pc. He doesn't want to better his life and is happy to take family money for himself. Fuck chatting to him just get rid!

I'm half terrified of being a single parent and the upset to come but I'm also excited to be in control of my own life again. I wish I could fast forward to when it's all sorted.

Please tell us the child benefit is paid to you into your own bank account?

No, none of it is paid into my account