How can I have been so stupid

[Fuzzywig1]

I am in a terrible terrible mess and it is all my own fault.

This is long sorry.

Before I post please can I say that anything nasty or mean you say to me I have said to myself and it is not why I am here

I have been married for 21 years to a kind and gentle but emotionally distant man. I know he loves me but he does not find it easy to be vulnerable and show it in some ways. I am very warm and physically affectionate and he is not or not consistently meaning I often would feel lonely. Sex was also always on his terms and less than I wanted.

30 years ago I had an 18 month relationship with who I thought was ‘the one’ . Yes I was very young 22 and he was even younger (19). Anyway after a very very passionate relationship he went off to drama school and decided to leave me. I was heartbroken and never forgot him and never trusted that sort of passion again.

2 years ago and out of the blue an email arrived saying he had seen me at my sons football training. We started emailing agreed to meet ( I told my husband about this first meeting) blah blah yes we started an affair.

From the beginning he told me he always loved me but buried the feelings deep he wants us to be together we are twin souls. He left his wife and now lives on his own.

I did not ask him to do this by the way

I feel somehow enchanted by him and that I lose my reason ....

I have told my husband I want to get divorced but he cannot believe it and says we have always had a lovely and sweet relationship

Eventually he found out and now I am in an awful impasse.

The om said he does not want to put pressure on me but his moving out made its own guilt and pressure. His constant emailing showering of love and gifts etc have made me stupid.

My husband seems to just want to carry on as if nothing has happened and that I’m the end I will ‘cone Back to him’.

Over and over every day I change my mind about what to do. What will cause the least harm.

I have two lovely children aged 13 and 9 and I cannot bear the thought of hurting them. I have already hurt them by being distant from their father and sleeping separately from him.

I think I have now got to the point of knowing that I cannot do this. It is wrong, I have been deluded Abd stupid.

But I am now scared to tell the om who has changed his life for me and will be devastated

This email sounds so stupid.

I don’t think people would believe this of me.

I have been subject to a narcissist actually. I'm not trying to be cruel. Just think you're posts are very victim like. Poor you for being forced into an affair. I'll tell you something you have one hell of a husband there for letting you stay. I hope you cherish that man for the rest of your life.

You CAN block emails. How it's done depends on the email system you use, like Apple mail or Microsoft mail or whatever.

DH blocked someone on his and it bounced the emails back to the sender with an auto response that said "Not a valid email address" or something like that.

Figure out your email program and google 'blocking (or bouncing) emails on

Indeed I do have an amazing husband. Who forgot about me and has his own distancing issues.

Actually I don’t know why I am wasting my time with this. It’s not helpful to my recovery.

I hope you find some peace in yourself.

And I in mine.

You might think you're not being cruel, NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5, but that's how you're coming across. Your "poor me" comments are spiteful and unnecessary. If you've read the whole thread, you'll see how far the OP has come and how she has taken responsibility for her part in the affair. Now your nastiness has forced her off a thread that has been enormously helpful to her in what is obviously a difficult time. Pat on the back for you, eh.

Sorry it's come to this OP. Good luck to you and your husband.

I’m not forced off the thread don’t worry. I was saying that as in life I would not engage with someone who wanted to allocate blame and fault I won’t here either.

Part of me feels very much that I did not end things with OM kindly and I want to explain to him that what we had was a false energy created by circumstances and that I have found my truth and my peace. But I don’t think that it is a good idea.

Am I right? Who knows.

It sent me into a right spin last night and my h too. And caused me to question things again. But I just kept saying this is wrong thinking and will pass.

In exploring the causes of what happened it is a path to understanding myself better and to improving my relationship with my husband. I just keep reminding myself of the true peace happiness and understanding we had and are finding now. I read a description of the difference between reasons and excuses the other day. It said an excuse is a way of making a wrong action seem right.

We went out last night together and had a lovely time. There were moments of deep sadness when I would see the confusion or pain in my husband but it was mostly just very close and loving.

Glad those comments haven't put you off, OP.

I can see why you might want to reach out to OM because of the abrupt way you ended things, but is his well being really more important at this stage than your husband's? Because whatever encouragement your husband gives, it could be a test to see if you'll still facilitate contact given the chance. I certainly wouldn't give the OM any opportunity to muddy the waters, as it sounds like you and your husband are taking positive steps forward.

It certainly is not my intention to be cruel. I just fail to see how anyone could be coerced for 2yrs. That said I would never want to push someone off their own thread especially when she is getting great support from people. I think I've made my point, I won't be posting on this thread again and I geneuinely wish you and your husband well OP.

No, contacting the OM for any reason would be a very bad, bad idea. He must be dead to you. He must cease to exist in any form.

Did you look up how to block his emails yet?

I did. But it told me to do what I have done that is send them to junk or spam.

You can’t actually block them it seems . Must be outlook

I mean it must be specific to outlook rather than other email services

Would it be possible to set up a new email address or is the one he’s contacting you on, linked to work?

I asked DH (should have done that right off the bat) and he did it via a third party app. He thinks it may have been called 'sender block' or 'block sender' or something like that. He's upgraded his email and no longer has (or needs) it. He said that it doesn't actually 'bounce' the email, it puts it directly in your trash. But he said it DOES create a 'fake bounce' email that goes to the sender that says "Unable to deliver message. This user does not have an account" or something like that.

You may want to investigate one that will work with your system. I know it won't stop the emails right off the bat, but I think once OM has gotten a few of the 'bounce' messages he'll stop of his own accord.

And don't be feeling sorry for him, OK?

Hi

It is interesting how much it is like an addiction. I was doing really well and that email bounced me straight into feeling sorry for him questioning my decisions etc

At least I have been able to use mindfulness to remind myself it will pass and sort of observe the feeling rather than inhabit it

I have a real feeling of having been disintegrated and of putting myself back together.

Thanks for the information on the emails.

It is work addres unfortunately.

Even more evidence of stupidity / loss of reason

If it’s a work email, you may have a "spam" selection. Whereby all spam emails automatically get binned. Contact your support section to ask if necessary.

Well, if it's a work email you probably can't (or shouldn't) add extra software to it.

But could you ask your work to change your address? Instead of, say, "[email protected]" make it "[email protected]". One of my coworkers had this done due to a DV situation so her abusive ex couldn't send nasty emails.

OP - the more I read of your posts the more you sound like you are experiencing a coginitive dissonance, or, maybe a denial.

The way you speak, it just sounds like you are really trying to convince yourself of something you want to be true. I don’t even specifically mean when you talk about H or the OM.

I know this isn’t helpful. And I hope I am wrong. And I wish you the best.

I read it that op has had the bubble popped and she's seen the insanity of what she's been doing. Anyone who has had an extra marital affair will recognise the insanity, so convincing at the time..

Yes its not helpful Josuk. Its like saying to an alcoholic - oh you arent an alcoholic realyl go and have a drink.

I had no oxygen in this affair. No breathing space. The contact was insane and by the end i was starting to feel sometimes 'i just want to read my book i dont want to talk to you on the train on the way home'. As i started to think all we talk about is the affair and his work and stories. And he would tell me how he was missing me so much and dying to see me when he went away and i realised i wasnt. And that i didnt want to go round to his house. I actually had a panic attack when i was with him the first time as i felt suffocated and had to get out of the bed.

He has stepped up his contact now. Another email appeared but i didnt see it as it was in my clutter and he tried to call me but again i didnt see that because he is blocked on my phone.

So how do i know?

Because he then couriered all these emails and a hand written note to my office.

They contain the following:

A statement he just wants to know if I am alright
A statement he wants to respect my wishes
A statement he doesnt wnat to guilt me into anything
A very long description of his pain anguish and loneliness. He knows I am very empathetic and will feel awful reading that. I had cut myself off from h and closed down my empathy so that i couldnt see it.
A plea i am happy and dont regret this for the rest of my life
A claim he will always be there if i want to text him or call him.

So with the agreement of my husband I wrote him a letter which very clearly said i am alright and i will be more alright in time.

And that when he dumped me from a great height all those years ago i had not done this to him and there were not other people including two innocent children involved.

I do still have moments of doubt but the fact is that these crazy feelings I had this time were caused by beung in an affair. I did not have the same feelings when we were first together. He declared himself in love with me immediately and gave me a ring. This is love bombing not a normal relationship/

I have injured my feelings for h by picking over all his faults but i also feel very very close to him and we are talking much more openly than we have done for years and also spending time together and spending time talking not with kids all the time.

I know that in this affair i was trying to turn back the clock and that the person i was in love with was actually an idealised image of who he was years ago. And that if i met him now i actualyl wouldnt probably like him very mcuh. He said to me several times I had turned out exactly as he would have wanted. and i would never say that to him as in fact he hadnt. He was much cockier, vainer and angrier.

H and I were very very happy together when we got married. Very. Our children have been especialyl challenging and caused a turning away from each other. I have an insecure attachment pattern and my h an avoidant one so when we lost sight of each other and started dealing with our marriage with a 'ledger' that was going to cause problems too.

I hope he leaves me alone now.

I am scared he might come to my house. But i think this is an irrational fear.

Regardless of my marriage OM is not my twin soul. For a start i would never go and actively pursue a married man and try every tactic to get them. Including denigration of his wife....

I think you need to be ready to contact the police re harassment.

I think you need to contact the police now and show them what he has couriered to your office, and tell them how you have tried to block him. You may not need to contact them again but if you do, they are already primed, so to speak.

You sound as if you are beginning to forgive yourself and not blame yourself for everything.

I really hope so. xx

I think you can use this experience to make your marriage better and stronger than ever. Your husband sounds amazing. Treasure him and make it up to him. I wish mine would still give me the opportunity.

Good luck to you.

That's WAY over the top!! I agree with others that you may want to contact the police. Either now for a 'preemptive strike' or if he contacts you again.

And where has the OM been for the last 30 years? Not with you. He dumped you. Don't put lust over love. And don't leave your DH. I think you are heading for disaster with this 'romance' you think you can re-kindle. Don't do it.