Just walked out the house

[Doublemint]

All I wanted for fucking valentines was a card and a naice meal.

Budget meant that going out wasn't an option. So a few weeks ago DH (who is a very talented and accredited chef) said he would cook us a delicious meal based on my own preference and the meals he has cooked for the high ups/slebs.

Fast forward to last night where he realised he hadn't organise anything and didn't know what to cook (even though I had told him what would be my ideal meal).

Anyway today I told him not to worry, as he he cooks all day for work. I bought us an m&s meal deal and came back from work.

I cooked the kids dinner and put them to bed. We sat down to eat with the kids still awake and crashing around in their room. I lit candles, put a playlist on Spotify and a table cloth on the table. We are. Kids still screaming.

I was getting more and more wound up by the screaming, he thought it was ironic and funny. I didn't.

I booked a day of leave for tomorrow after he TOLD me he had booked it off as our childminder is closed about two or three weeks ago. He then tells me, over the pudding, that he has to work tomorrow and that I should have known it wasn't set in stone he would have tomorrow off.

I asked him why his leave was cancelled. He told me it was never confirmed (he told me it was- that's why I also booked leave so we could have a family day).

He then got really shitty with me.
I asked him what he had planned for childcare if I hadn't booked tomorrow off. He accused me of being "on his case" and "out to make him feel like shit". Oh and that I had ruined the evening.

The whole thing stinks. I think he's lying and trying to make me feel guilty for realising. I'm
Fuming.

I walked out and have gone to the totally dead and lame pub for a pint.
I've left my three kids at home.

Is it just me or has he tricked me into giving up (another!) day of leave? He either never booked it and lied then expected me to be here tomorrow or has just not communicated well to me AT ALL about the status of his leave... he told me he had tomorrow off.

Needless to say V day has fallen a bit flat.

Definately start making notes with dates when things like this happen, it helps to see it in black and white.
Don't doubt yourself for a second, op, your sister has noticed things too.
And he is still a dickhead.

To be honest I think your husband wants you to doubt yourself. He stood looking at a coat in the boot of a car and told you it wasn't there to make you doubt yourself. It's the sort of thing that can do real damage to MH.

He's also sort of sabotaging your ability to get space to clear your head. All your time off seems to be eroded by looking after the kids - like this incident. You use up leave, he doesn't. You get to look after the kids and it's harder for you to think clearly.

I would start keeping a secure journal and refer back to it regularly and see if there is a pattern.

What the others say.

Your sister has noticed he is doing these things. The coat was clearly visible to her straight away. Your DH lied for some reason known only to him.

Don't doubt yourself.

Please don't doubt yourself because you're going through a period of depression. Although it's easy to over think and magnify things when depressed it is far too easy for others to dismiss your valid concerns and blame it on you " at the moment". I trust you're looking after your MH and doing what you need to do in terms of medical and self care?
Trust your instincts beneath all the other 'chatter'

I usually can't be doing with these valentines/christmas/anniversary threads but in your case it just seems like the icing on the cake. That's really shit that a proper chef couldn't rustle something up for his wife. And then to not tell you about the leave.. almost like he doesn't want a day off with you. To run off to the pub like that would be dramatic if this was just about valentines day but he's generally making you feel unimportant.

He may well be using the lies as a tactic to cover up when he does something stupid. It's a very teenage compulsive behaviour he probably developed as a kid and he could well be using it to cover his ass when he fucks up rather than the more abusive gaslighting.

It's all about motive really. Abusers use these tactics to enable them to use you and those aroundays them to have an easier life basically. You husband seems to do lots of the grunt work so is probably not trying to work you down.

Try calling it out in a jokey manner each time. Like 'oh you're having one of your magic moments again' so that you are showing you know he's done it but you're not being confrontational about why he's done it. That gives him the chance to adjust his behaviour and get out of the habit himself.

I don't know your husband so I can't tell you if his motive is abuse or not but abuse is misuse of someone so if you think that's his ultimate aim then he won't stop this behaviour. But if he's doing it as a knee jerk reaction to being found out doing something stupid then he might well adjust if you point out each time it happens how ridiculous it is.

@Bixg yes I'm honestly coping very well at the moment. I've been on the meds for a while now and am feeling their benefit. I'm looking after myself and working through things but generally am feeling symptom free.

@OtterPearl you've really hit the nail on the head. The adolescent behaviour thing really really strikes a chord. He seems to lie to get out of perceived "trouble" like a teenager. He left home at 15 and his parents are... odd. This view fits in much more with who he is in RL.

I will try the lighthearted response and see how that goes. And also keep note of how often this is happening.

Thank you all for your advice and thoughts I really appreciate it. Trying for another go at a romantic night (his idea!).