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Original poster

Just walked out the house

132 replies

Doublemint · 14/02/2018 21:14

All I wanted for fucking valentines was a card and a naice meal.

Budget meant that going out wasn't an option. So a few weeks ago DH (who is a very talented and accredited chef) said he would cook us a delicious meal based on my own preference and the meals he has cooked for the high ups/slebs.

Fast forward to last night where he realised he hadn't organise anything and didn't know what to cook (even though I had told him what would be my ideal meal).

Anyway today I told him not to worry, as he he cooks all day for work. I bought us an m&s meal deal and came back from work.

I cooked the kids dinner and put them to bed. We sat down to eat with the kids still awake and crashing around in their room. I lit candles, put a playlist on Spotify and a table cloth on the table. We are. Kids still screaming.

I was getting more and more wound up by the screaming, he thought it was ironic and funny. I didn't.

I booked a day of leave for tomorrow after he TOLD me he had booked it off as our childminder is closed about two or three weeks ago. He then tells me, over the pudding, that he has to work tomorrow and that I should have known it wasn't set in stone he would have tomorrow off.

I asked him why his leave was cancelled. He told me it was never confirmed (he told me it was- that's why I also booked leave so we could have a family day).

He then got really shitty with me.
I asked him what he had planned for childcare if I hadn't booked tomorrow off. He accused me of being "on his case" and "out to make him feel like shit". Oh and that I had ruined the evening.

The whole thing stinks. I think he's lying and trying to make me feel guilty for realising. I'm
Fuming.

I walked out and have gone to the totally dead and lame pub for a pint.
I've left my three kids at home.

Is it just me or has he tricked me into giving up (another!) day of leave? He either never booked it and lied then expected me to be here tomorrow or has just not communicated well to me AT ALL about the status of his leave... he told me he had tomorrow off.

Needless to say V day has fallen a bit flat.

OP posts:
GertrudeCB · 15/02/2018 20:18

Bore off @jkl0311 with your " yes, but"

jkl0311 · 15/02/2018 20:22

Don't worry I will bow at gracefully and let everyone else agree OP partners rubbish and misplaced coats are the start of turmoil. @Mysideofthings you will have to sort this one Grin

PNGirl · 15/02/2018 20:24

Shame. Would have loved to know how taking a day annual leave when he said he had already booked it off would have got in the way of being the big strong male provider. Oh well.

jkl0311 · 15/02/2018 20:28

@PNGirl clearly things have never cropped up in your workplace that requires you to change plans ? Bowing out with a patronising comment Wink

MarklahMarklah · 15/02/2018 20:29

The more you talk about his behaviour, the worse it sounds. I think your DSis has a good point. Note when he contradicts you or suggests you're wrong, and then you may get a clearer picture. Has he always been like this or is it since you have become 'more successful', IYSWIM?

PNGirl · 15/02/2018 20:32

Of course. But then I made it clear to my husband that might happen. I didn't say it was a locked-on thing and then tell her she imagined I'd said it. Cause I'm not a gaslighting abuser obvs.

jkl0311 · 15/02/2018 20:40

@PNGirl things change work comes first when you got a family to support! I'm going to leave it at that.

MrsJackRackham · 15/02/2018 20:46

My xDP used to do the same thing when he had no defence or got caught in a lie. There was a massive over reaction on his part, shouting and swearing, lots of 'you caused this argument' etc making me back down and apologise. Classic deflection. You're now arguing about who started the argument and not what your initial point was.

PNGirl · 15/02/2018 20:48

What has that got to do with this?

"I asked him why his leave was cancelled. He told me it was never confirmed (he told me it was - that's why I also booked leave so we could have a family day)."

He feels guilty he has to work so he then turns on the OP saying she is ruining the evening and lying about what he said. Classic move of someone wanting to take their partner down a peg or two.

ugghhreally · 15/02/2018 20:49

@jkl0311 no I'm not bothered at all. You're clearly just a gaslighting bully that doesn't like being called out when wrong. I'm therefore not at all surprised that you're not sorry.

jkl0311 · 15/02/2018 21:00

@ugghhreally gaslighting is a bit of an overused buzzword on the relationship threads! But if you say so Wink

Original poster
Doublemint · 15/02/2018 21:02

@jkl0311 I have 3 kids and a DH that I am trying to provide for too!

@MarklahMarklah yes I am going to start noting these things. If only for sake of my sanity.

Thank you other posters who have been supportive and understanding that this is much more than me being upset about Valentine's Day or where my kids coat was.

OP posts:
ugghhreally · 15/02/2018 21:04

@jkl0311 yeah I do. My initial post is pretty clear. You bait OP, then patronise her and are now defensive because you've been called out on it. Feel sorry for you.

Original poster
Doublemint · 15/02/2018 21:05

And, he's not "a bloke" I've had 3 kids with.
He's my husband and we have 3 children. We both work hard. We both contribute to the family pot and anyone with misogynistic outdated ideas about partner dynamics can GTF off of my thread.

I may have opened the fabled Sauvignon Blanc

OP posts:
Original poster
Doublemint · 15/02/2018 21:08

"things change work comes first when you got a family to support! I'm going to leave it at that."

I couldn't agree more. Things DO change. I prioritised MY personal time so why is ok for my DH not to or to lie about it?

Don't even get me started on your double standards.

OP posts:
PNGirl · 15/02/2018 21:11

Funny, jkl, thought you were leaving it at that about 4 posts ago. Guess you lie, too.

mustbemad17 · 15/02/2018 21:18

Doublemint you said something about your DM being a DV survivor at the beginning of this...have you ever spoken to her about your OH & the way he treats you? To me it definitely sounds like gaslighting been there but sometimes it can be really difficult to fully comprehend it from strangers. Your mum might be able to help you pull everything into place if that makes sense? Some of your comments make me think you're still unsure of just how shitty he is treating you. And if you have DD he is showing them - even indirectly - how women should be expected to be treated.

Oh & ignore the goady fuckers having a pop...i guess everyone needs a hobby

Original poster
Doublemint · 15/02/2018 21:26

Thanks @mustbemad17 . Yes my dad was physically and financially abusive to my mum.
He died when I was a teen. In fact it's very hard for me to hear people on the relationships board say "oh he will never kill himself it's part of the script" etc. I was 14.

He had MH issues and im depressed again and on meds so I'm wondering if that's skewing my perspective.

Maybe that's "what's wrong with me at the moment".

OP posts:
Original poster
Doublemint · 15/02/2018 21:27

Bah. That post wasn't supposed to sound so bleak!!!

OP posts:
mustbemad17 · 15/02/2018 21:29

If you're struggling with MH issues it could well be skewing things, especially if your self confidence is taking a battering.

Original poster
Doublemint · 15/02/2018 21:32

I don't think I'm struggling with my MH to be honest. The meds are working really well.im not sleeping more or less than normal, my mood seems balanced and I'm less preoccupied with "dark" thoughts. I really thought my treatment was/is working.

But maybe I overreacted. I don't know anymore!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Doublemint · 15/02/2018 21:35

I don't know how this thread has ended up with me doubting myself. But maybe that's what's really going on. Maybe I am being precious and he's right.

I'm really worried I've made everything worse in my own head and it's ME that is the problem.

OP posts:
mustbemad17 · 15/02/2018 21:39

From reading your comments it comes across to me at least that you've had moments of doubting yourself. I personally don't think you're overreacting, some of your comments about his behaviour are pretty off.

We could just get a MN gang together & abduct him for a few days, that might work?

PNGirl · 15/02/2018 21:41

I genuinely think if you were overreacting and he was treating you well he would have said "I'm so sorry, I know I booked tomorrow off but I have to work." Not "You're responsible for your own disappointment, I never said I would definitely have the day off, shut up". Essentially.

jkl0311 · 15/02/2018 21:48

@Doublemint come off here and speak to your mum and sister they know both of you a hell of a lot better than a bunch of strangers on MN Flowers MH is important and your loved ones can support you best. Take care of yourself.

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