Just walked out the house

[Doublemint]

All I wanted for fucking valentines was a card and a naice meal.

Budget meant that going out wasn't an option. So a few weeks ago DH (who is a very talented and accredited chef) said he would cook us a delicious meal based on my own preference and the meals he has cooked for the high ups/slebs.

Fast forward to last night where he realised he hadn't organise anything and didn't know what to cook (even though I had told him what would be my ideal meal).

Anyway today I told him not to worry, as he he cooks all day for work. I bought us an m&s meal deal and came back from work.

I cooked the kids dinner and put them to bed. We sat down to eat with the kids still awake and crashing around in their room. I lit candles, put a playlist on Spotify and a table cloth on the table. We are. Kids still screaming.

I was getting more and more wound up by the screaming, he thought it was ironic and funny. I didn't.

I booked a day of leave for tomorrow after he TOLD me he had booked it off as our childminder is closed about two or three weeks ago. He then tells me, over the pudding, that he has to work tomorrow and that I should have known it wasn't set in stone he would have tomorrow off.

I asked him why his leave was cancelled. He told me it was never confirmed (he told me it was- that's why I also booked leave so we could have a family day).

He then got really shitty with me.
I asked him what he had planned for childcare if I hadn't booked tomorrow off. He accused me of being "on his case" and "out to make him feel like shit". Oh and that I had ruined the evening.

The whole thing stinks. I think he's lying and trying to make me feel guilty for realising. I'm
Fuming.

I walked out and have gone to the totally dead and lame pub for a pint.
I've left my three kids at home.

Is it just me or has he tricked me into giving up (another!) day of leave? He either never booked it and lied then expected me to be here tomorrow or has just not communicated well to me AT ALL about the status of his leave... he told me he had tomorrow off.

Needless to say V day has fallen a bit flat.

You dont HAVE to talk to him.
You dont HAVE to pander to him.
You dont HAVE to agree to some bullshit to keep the peace.

You are right, he sounds completely exhausting.

In a few years you might realise that no man is worth all this ballache, even if he does do the washing

In a chefs world they come first!
Twats all of them!

Urgh. I used to be married to one of these. Exhausting. I'd be tempted to stay in a hotel and if he asks where you are tomorrow morning just text that you hadn't confirmed that you were available to watch the kids.

Realistically long term. It's true that you can't change a person and if this is a pattern you have to decide how long you'll put up with it before you realise it'll never change because he is self serving and lacks respect for you. I really really feel for you. I know how utterly frustrating it is and how totally unnecessary.

Don't pander to him. He knows you will. And so the behaviour repeats itself.

Thank you @Thewomeninthemirror and @Ruddygreattiger2016 I'm beginning to feel that way too.

I'm home now. Everything was shut up for the night like j don't matter.

Pants.

I know i don't have to pander to him. But the sulking can go on for a day or so before. I break.

He's never going to be upfront about this and to be honest I'm just so tired of it all. I am under immense stress from career commitments right now and I don't know what to do or how to talk to him about this again.

I’m married to one , barely hanging on to our marriage.

The ego is exhausting to keep up with.
The hours worked along with everything else that goes along with it is wank.
They might please a celeb with a plate of food but can’t do much at home.

Hugs to you.Hope things improve.

To be fair op, there is no point in talking to him. He is happy to sulk and strop to get his own way, he is happy to break you down and blame you.

This is who he is.

This is his version of 'love'. Bit shit when you really think about it.

Thank you. He wont even acknowledge me...I know he is awake.

I have never walked like this before. He's faking being asleep or he doesn't care.

Who does that to prove a point about having a day off/or not tomorrow!!

Did he put children to bed at least?
Mine has a similar behaviour. It's very frustrating and sometimes I feel helpless. OP, the way he behaves is called gaslighting.

A dick. That's who. If he can't apologise to you for being in the wrong and upsetting you on Valentine's day, when will he. He's shown you what he thinks of you. I'm sorry.

OP, he was assuming you're like his secretary and you know his diary. Because he knows he is the guilty one his tactic is to attack you, to make you feel guilty. Now he is sulking even though he is the one who has spoiled the evening but he is sulking to make you feel guilty about yourself. I bet you wouldn't dream sulking even if there was a reason.

It's a little bit alarming that he's trying to make you think you've done things that you know you haven't, like eating the chocolate.

I meant to say even if there was a reason for you to sulk you wouldn't as you would have been accused of doing it against him, blah-blah-blah

Abuse isn't always physical. If he behaves like that a lot, I'd be getting rid of the moody fucker.

Please don’t pander to this. Don’t end up apologising. He has lied to you and he has wasted one of your days off, that is not ok. He has also let you down on an agreed ‘date’, also not ok.

Can't sleep. Thank you for all the replies.
No I'm not going to pander to him. I tend to just ignore his sulks until he apologises.

Do you really think it could be gaslighting? I'm so sure he told me he had today off. That's the only reason I went ahead and booked it off too.

He sounds like hard work OP. Sorry you had a shite valentine's day

Yes it's Gas lighting. It's so dangerous for your well being and mental health. If he does this kind of thing often enough you will be at the point where you can't trust yourself because of the confusion he creates and so take.him at his word until you begin to think you can't cope without him. Then you start apologising for his behaviour and you start to not understand which way is up. And THAT is where he wants you. Feeling dependant and trapped. And for what? A guy who won't even.cook a meal he promised you for Valentine's day and then sulks when he's in the wrong to get his own way. Urgh. Have a look into Gaslighting and stonewalling. See where the information takes you. If you recognise a lot of the behaviour, I would be planning to get out before it's too late. These abusers never change. When you cotton on, they may change tactics or up the ante but they will never change. Most people will tell you emotional abuse is worse to recover from than other abuses so if that's what you feel is happening here, come back here and talk it out. There are lots of people who can give you good advice.

Hope you go out and have an amazing day with yoir kids today and try not to give him a second thought.

I was meant to cook for oh but in all fairness my baby is in hospital and we got home from visiting late and I said I will do it tomorrow I feel like shit for it but I'll make it upto him tomorrow but I'm no chef if I was I'd whip something up if I had nothing or just didn't bother getting anything I know I'm not much better but he suggested to u he would make u a meal of ure choice just tell him what u want then doesn't bother getting the food so u buy something he lets u down about ure day out tomorrow and he thinks ure in the wrong he lets u leave and isn't ringing u he does it after uve been gone for ages now that I've wrote that out I'm not as bad he's a selfish prick not that interested in giving u the meal he promised u for valentine's and then he goes to work rather than spend day with kids I know sometimes it can't be helped but it's ure kids sometimes we prioritize work over that and he said he'd booked it off surely they never got a lset min function if they did he should have told u x

OP I am sorry about your night - would have kept you company had I spotted the thread earlier

He is definitely one of those who goes into attack mode when he is the one in the wrong until it’s all turned around and it’s your fault

Sounds like you can see him for what he is though

He does go into attack mode. He just woke up and asked me if we could be friends. I shrugged. I then said I was disappointed about last night and asked him what he would have planned for childcare if I didn't have today off.

He kept saying "I only found out yesterday" and I asked him what childcare he could have sorted with less than 24hours notice.

Eventually he said that he would have had to take it off but it didn't matter as he knew I was off.

I then said that he was taking advantage of me and my leave is getting all used up on childcare (it is!) rather than holidays or anything more qualitative.

He flew off the handle and shouted at me called me fucking unreasonable and "I don't know what's wrong with you at the moment, I'm trying my fucking best here" etc

He's gone to sodding Work now. I'm tempted to take the kids for a long weekend at my mums.

Go. He’s a selfish child.

Do it! It sounds like you need a bit of TLC and space

I agree - take off and enjoy your weekend

Do it. Nothing good will come from sitting home waiting for him to come home where one of two things will happen. 1) Round 2 of this arguement 2) you ultimately give in when you realise that he isn't going to see it from your point of view so you let it drop for a quiet life. And voila, his work his done. Until next time.

And there is NOTHING wrong with you. And he is absolutely NOT trying his best. Would you say that to him? Would you consider that your best? No! He's a functioning adult too. He just doesn't care. Most abusers aren't horrible all the time (hence why we stay with them and rationalise things). They inherently believe that they are most important though and if you inconvenience their life in any way, out come these behaviours. Until over time you have adapted yourself so much to avoid an arguement/his moods etc etc. You start believing it's your fault he gets this way and wondering if yiu do set him off. Or as a rational person would believe that you must have part of the blame.

You don't. He does.

He is in the wrong and didn't consider your feelings then and is definitely not considering them now. I believe relationships can get through most things with hard work and determination on both sides but when respect is not there, nothing is left. This man does not respect you.

Definitely go to your Mums. The kids will love it, you can have some proper time to think and hopefully your Mum can be a source of support and look after you a little bit.

Sorry you're going through this.