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Original poster

Just walked out the house

132 replies

Doublemint · 14/02/2018 21:14

All I wanted for fucking valentines was a card and a naice meal.

Budget meant that going out wasn't an option. So a few weeks ago DH (who is a very talented and accredited chef) said he would cook us a delicious meal based on my own preference and the meals he has cooked for the high ups/slebs.

Fast forward to last night where he realised he hadn't organise anything and didn't know what to cook (even though I had told him what would be my ideal meal).

Anyway today I told him not to worry, as he he cooks all day for work. I bought us an m&s meal deal and came back from work.

I cooked the kids dinner and put them to bed. We sat down to eat with the kids still awake and crashing around in their room. I lit candles, put a playlist on Spotify and a table cloth on the table. We are. Kids still screaming.

I was getting more and more wound up by the screaming, he thought it was ironic and funny. I didn't.

I booked a day of leave for tomorrow after he TOLD me he had booked it off as our childminder is closed about two or three weeks ago. He then tells me, over the pudding, that he has to work tomorrow and that I should have known it wasn't set in stone he would have tomorrow off.

I asked him why his leave was cancelled. He told me it was never confirmed (he told me it was- that's why I also booked leave so we could have a family day).

He then got really shitty with me.
I asked him what he had planned for childcare if I hadn't booked tomorrow off. He accused me of being "on his case" and "out to make him feel like shit". Oh and that I had ruined the evening.

The whole thing stinks. I think he's lying and trying to make me feel guilty for realising. I'm
Fuming.

I walked out and have gone to the totally dead and lame pub for a pint.
I've left my three kids at home.

Is it just me or has he tricked me into giving up (another!) day of leave? He either never booked it and lied then expected me to be here tomorrow or has just not communicated well to me AT ALL about the status of his leave... he told me he had tomorrow off.

Needless to say V day has fallen a bit flat.

OP posts:
123MothergotafleA · 15/02/2018 12:13

He seems to be taking you for granted at the very least. I would definitely go to Mum's and let him stew.

Hermonie2016 · 15/02/2018 12:32

*I then said that he was taking advantage of me and my leave is getting all used up on childcare (it is!) rather than holidays or anything more qualitative.

He flew off the handle and shouted at me called me fucking unreasonable and "I don't know what's wrong with you at the moment, I'm trying my fucking best here" etc *

This is where he is unreasonable.You were saying what impact his change had on you.
It was his chance to validate your feelings but he went on the attack so that he didn't have to acknowledge HE impacted you and you had a right to be angry/upset.

The coat incident I guess is him trying to point out you are not that competent.

Its not surprising its started as you are spreading your wings.He feels threatened and rather than deal with those feelings he has to push you down.
Its seems to be common for some people to react abusively when a partner appears to be changing/moving out of their control.

pollythedolly · 15/02/2018 13:01

*I've got a lot to think through re:gaslighting. I had a long chat with my sister and she reminded me of another weird thing last weekend where DH insisted I hadn't brought DDs coat with us for a walk in the woods but I was SURE I had. He was looking in the boot and insisting I hadn't brought it with me and that I was mistaken.

My Dsis looks and lo and behold the coat is in the boot, clearly visible.*

My god!! Angry

Mysideofthings · 15/02/2018 13:33

OP's DH didn't make her a meal on Valentine's Day and the kids were playing up so she stormed off to the pub. I stand vy what I said.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 15/02/2018 13:52

He just woke up and asked me if we could be friends.
^This is one of those non-apology apologies. Nope, not good enough.

Imho, this is a power dynamic. He wants power over you. He has the power to frustrate you and make you angry. Then he trots out the scripted stock phrases (I’m doing my best, and variations on the theme) without a thought, to camouflage his manipulation. Every time you get angry, I bet he is not a little entertained by it. Then all he has to do is shut up for awhile and then pony up a half-arsed meaningless apology to set the slate back to zero until the next manipulative opportunity presents itself.

This bloke can not possibly love you because one would just never do that to someone you love. To use you like that for an ego supply is just maddening.

Also, this person is not your friend. He tipped his hand a bit when he asked you if you could be friends. He is being just plain mean to you. No amount of diy or household chores or playing with your dc can gloss over that fact. He is not your friend.

GertrudeCB · 15/02/2018 13:59

@mysideofthings are you Doublemint's husband ?!?

Carrotgirl999 · 15/02/2018 14:02

@GertrudeCB my thoughts entirely....

Hissy · 15/02/2018 14:07

OP's DH didn't make her a meal on Valentine's Day and the kids were playing up so she stormed off to the pub. I stand vy what I said.

Well you are an idiot then everyone ELSE understood the OP

PNGirl · 15/02/2018 14:10

And yet no mention of his cleverly getting out of childcare for the day, having told the OP it was confirmed. Or the coat being clearly visible in the boot. Hmm...

Hissy · 15/02/2018 14:11

My career has recently really taken off and my Dsis wonders if it could be related to that. He's been speaking awfully to me lately too

This I think is significant.

Poor little hubby wubby feels a little threatened.

What a monumental prick. Sadly so many chefs are.

Any halfway decent COOK can rustle up some dinner from cupboards.

AFistfulOfDolores · 15/02/2018 14:26

Gosh, that could even be construed as a bit of a name giveaway there, mysideofthings

Hmm
jkl0311 · 15/02/2018 17:13

@Doublemint
I can't believe I'm about to defend this bloke but here it goes ladies be kind to me.... from an outside perspective.... he's the main earner you have 3 kids together which your both trying to support, you are doing a brilliant job by the sounds of it of doing some work and uni to further your career for when the kids fly the nest however....
the H probably didn't want to cook on his night off, maybe he felt he needed to do whatever the work commitment was for whatever reason, at the end of the day valentines is a made up celebration that society put a lot of pressure on. Put the shoe on the other foot... if he stormed off to the pub last night you would of sulked too. Sometimes you got to let things go this is one of them, don't think of leaving him, remember how strong you are as a unit than if you were apart. Confused

Original poster
Doublemint · 15/02/2018 17:45

If @Mysideofthings is DH he's giving no sign at all that he's posted on MN.

And please don't assume he's the higher wage earner.

OP posts:
yawning801 · 15/02/2018 17:51

Using a bit of advanced search mysideofthings is fairly new and determined to be goady and stupid. Wouldn't surprise me if it was a troll. Hmm

BastardGoDarkly · 15/02/2018 17:57

Bore off Myside

How are you doing Doublemint ?

Original poster
Doublemint · 15/02/2018 17:59

He's off out to his club thing with his friends tonight so I will have a look at gaslighting a bit more and open the Sauvignon.

I'm not even angry I'm just worried now that he has these mechanisms built in and he can't or won't change.

It's not my job to handhold him through every argument and walk him through why I'm upset. We are speaking now and being civil but I am still reeling from thinking about last night, the chocolate thing, and the coat thing. There are more but I can't remember them. They are so subtle and maybe I did remember X Y Z wrongly at the time etc. My sister thinks it's odd and says I should start noting down these things. What do you think?

She also wants to bang his head against a wall because sorting out these issues would be easy (and they would not escalate!) if he would just communicate honestly with me. Last nights row didn't even have to happen if he had just told me the truth.

OP posts:
jkl0311 · 15/02/2018 18:55

@Doublemint I've now read your other posts.... I hate to say your making a thing out of nothing.... the coat thing is blown way out of proportion. Sorry but blokes are only human. And the assuming he's the higher earner... again calm down it's not a competition in a husband and wife relationship? But you know that right ??

timeisnotaline · 15/02/2018 19:53

Myside has name chnaged and come Back to the thread as jk?

Original poster
Doublemint · 15/02/2018 19:58

Good point @timeisnotaline

OP posts:
jkl0311 · 15/02/2018 19:59

@timeisnotaline no sorry just a like minded an opinion, I've noticed on here people can be a bit quick to point emotional abuse and leaving like it's a flippant decision!! It's a misplaced coat a bit of chocolate... first world problems

ugghhreally · 15/02/2018 19:59

@jkl0311 You brought up the wage thing, OP responded in a reasonable manner, yet you then tell her to "calm down". Patronising much?

PNGirl · 15/02/2018 20:01

So don't say it then, jkl0311. And don't say "sorry but" because you aren't.

jkl0311 · 15/02/2018 20:09

@PNGirl I don't understand the wages and who has the bigger career an issue, why can't she see she has 3 kids with a bloke trying to provide? And @ugghhreally I'm not sorry your right. Bothered much ?

CalleighDoodle · 15/02/2018 20:13

he's the main earner you have 3 kids together which your both trying to support, you are doing a brilliant job by the sounds of it of doing some work and uni to further your career for when the kids fly the nest however

wow. fucking wow. the language in this is very patronising.

Butterymuffin · 15/02/2018 20:18

But it wasn't a 'misplaced coat'. The coat was where OP said it was. Her husband lied to her about it being misplaced.

OP I'd just ignore the folk who seem not to be able to read what you've written.