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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just walked out the house

132 replies

Doublemint · 14/02/2018 21:14

All I wanted for fucking valentines was a card and a naice meal.

Budget meant that going out wasn't an option. So a few weeks ago DH (who is a very talented and accredited chef) said he would cook us a delicious meal based on my own preference and the meals he has cooked for the high ups/slebs.

Fast forward to last night where he realised he hadn't organise anything and didn't know what to cook (even though I had told him what would be my ideal meal).

Anyway today I told him not to worry, as he he cooks all day for work. I bought us an m&s meal deal and came back from work.

I cooked the kids dinner and put them to bed. We sat down to eat with the kids still awake and crashing around in their room. I lit candles, put a playlist on Spotify and a table cloth on the table. We are. Kids still screaming.

I was getting more and more wound up by the screaming, he thought it was ironic and funny. I didn't.

I booked a day of leave for tomorrow after he TOLD me he had booked it off as our childminder is closed about two or three weeks ago. He then tells me, over the pudding, that he has to work tomorrow and that I should have known it wasn't set in stone he would have tomorrow off.

I asked him why his leave was cancelled. He told me it was never confirmed (he told me it was- that's why I also booked leave so we could have a family day).

He then got really shitty with me.
I asked him what he had planned for childcare if I hadn't booked tomorrow off. He accused me of being "on his case" and "out to make him feel like shit". Oh and that I had ruined the evening.

The whole thing stinks. I think he's lying and trying to make me feel guilty for realising. I'm
Fuming.

I walked out and have gone to the totally dead and lame pub for a pint.
I've left my three kids at home.

Is it just me or has he tricked me into giving up (another!) day of leave? He either never booked it and lied then expected me to be here tomorrow or has just not communicated well to me AT ALL about the status of his leave... he told me he had tomorrow off.

Needless to say V day has fallen a bit flat.

OP posts:
Foodylicious · 15/02/2018 07:01

His behaviour sounds shit but it sounds a teeny but like you were getting somewhere this morning, then both wanted to have the last word?

Hope you have a better day

MrsJonesAndMe · 15/02/2018 07:09

go and use the time to talk things over with your mum or get your mum to keep an eye on the children so you can have some head space.

ArchchancellorsHat · 15/02/2018 07:12

He's not trying his best at all, he's being a shit. And it's gaslighting, too, as someone else explained. Have you ever been able to have a sensible discussion without him turning things back on you, and if so do you think there's any chance of getting back there?

I had a gaslighting relative, though there were other problems as well, and I just couldn't live with it. Does he do it to your children as well?

pollythedolly · 15/02/2018 07:27

Gaslighting is bad. It's abuse. Go to your mums with the kids and leave him to it.

BiologyMatters · 15/02/2018 07:35

Just because he's not "as bad " as you might have heard of other men, doesnt mean he's good. He's gas lighting you. The chocolate thing is just weird. Why lie over something so small?

You dont have to live like this.

ShiftyMcGifty · 15/02/2018 07:39

I don’t understand

1 parent off = horrible day doing childcare, wasting precious annual leave

2 parents off = making magical family memories.

Go have fun with your children. Instead of off sulking to your mum’s, go on an adventure with the kids. Pick a place on the map, drive/take a train or there. Book a cheap hotel for the night. The kids will love the sheer spontaneity of it.

BackInTheRoom · 15/02/2018 07:43

@Doublemint

Gaslighting at full throttle so much so I'm surprised you haven't succumbed to gas poisoning!

He's defensive because he's defending his position. You need to break him lol! Take kids away somewhere and get the hell out of dodge until he breaks, as in admits he messed up!

isthismylifenow · 15/02/2018 07:43

I don't know what's wrong with you at the moment, I'm trying my fucking best here

Red flag here. Was said to me ad nauseum. Along with
'what do you expect me to do?"
"No matter what I do, its never right"
" I have told you this over and over, what is wrong with you"

Of course he hadn't told me a thing, but I was very close to thinking I was going fucking insane as 'I could never remember anything'.

Sorry OP.

timeisnotaline · 15/02/2018 08:00

Go. He’s not trying his best is he? If he were he’d have remembered teh discusison on cooking dinner. He’d have booked leave. If leave hadn’t worked out he’d have told you apologetically. These are all normal things to do , not one in a million husband behaviour.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 15/02/2018 08:47

Trying his best???? By NOT making a fuss of you as HE promised? By dumping childcare all on you at the last minute? By being a sulky argumentative twat when HE messed up?

Jesus christ if that is him trying his best I would hate to see him at his worst!!

Op, the guy is an absolute dick. Being a single parent is waaaay better that living with that, think about it.Flowers

Itssosunny · 15/02/2018 09:06

I would refrain from encouraging OP to leave her husband because of what had happened.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/02/2018 09:11

So he gaslights you and then shouts at you and will then stonewall you.
3 types of abuse all in one go.
Please do go to your mums.
Have a nice chilled out weekend without the bother of him around.
Take a couple of books (Kindle) and get some rest.
Well done for standing up to him at last.

PushMyButton · 15/02/2018 09:36

@Itssosunny she was talking about a long weekend at her mums... Not leaving

Itssosunny · 15/02/2018 09:38

Push, thanks, I mean these kind of messages, "Op, the guy is an absolute dick. Being a single parent is waaaay better that living with that, think about it"

HellonHeels · 15/02/2018 10:02

Being a lone parent is way better than being with a abusive partner.

yawning801 · 15/02/2018 10:10

Go somewhere nice with your kids and stay in a hotel for a couple of nights. Spontaneous road trip, woohoooo!

Original poster
Doublemint · 15/02/2018 10:58

Taking the kids out to the petting farm today. Then maybe lunch or dinner out.

I've got a lot to think through re:gaslighting. I had a long chat with my sister and she reminded me of another weird thing last weekend where DH insisted I hadn't brought DDs coat with us for a walk in the woods but I was SURE I had. He was looking in the boot and insisting I hadn't brought it with me and that I was mistaken.

My Dsis looks and lo and behold the coat is in the boot, clearly visible.

Is he just thick? Why would he do this? He definitely doesn't get a thrill out of it. I'm anything I'm the more assertive one out of the two of us so he's not controlling me.

My career has recently really taken off and my Dsis wonders if it could be related to that. He's been speaking awfully to me lately too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Doublemint · 15/02/2018 11:00

No not leaving him was just thinking of getting away for a few nights. I can't now anyway as Mum is working nights.

@hellsbellsmelons if anything I'm starting to stonewall him, I just don't want to speak to him he will just apologise then do it again or shout at me and I can't be bothered to question him anymore. It's making me lose respect for him.

OP posts:
magoria · 15/02/2018 11:05

Your latest update is more worrying.

Was he trying to cancel your outing and upset your DC which would have been your fault for 'forgetting' the coat?

Or did he want DD walking in the cold with no coat.

Both are abusive. Not just towards you but to your DD as well.

Leaving may be an option.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2018 11:07

Doublemint

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is still keeping you with this individual?.

He feels threatened by your own career taking off and this is also why he behaves as he does. This also works for him and he does this also because he can. Look at his parents too, what are they like?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here?. My guess too is that you are more assertive in the outside world but with him its a different ball game.

Mysideofthings · 15/02/2018 11:32

Get a grip, OP.

You sound pathetic and very childish.

Your poor husband.

magoria · 15/02/2018 11:36

Op doesn't sound pathetic or childish I. The slightest.

She sounds like a woman who is coming to the realisation she has been gaslighted and abused over a period of time.

GrooovyLass · 15/02/2018 11:45

Have you read the same thread as the rest of us Myside ???

countingdown · 15/02/2018 11:54

Myside have you posted on the wrong thread?

hellsbellsmelons · 15/02/2018 11:59

Blimey Myside what the hell have you read that we've all missed?
Be interesting to hear your side of what OP has written.
Have you read all the OP's updates?
Or are you the DH???