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Am I mad?? Very persistent 'feeling' he has cheated but nothing really to back it up..

105 replies

ScaredMum22 · 11/02/2018 15:47

Long term relationship for 11 years. Has been ups and downs, and also really bad downs which we've managed to pull out of and really good ups, like most people I guess.

However for the past say a year or so, I have just had this feeling, I can't describe it, just that something has gone on, maybe ongoing maybe not, but just a feeling that something has 'shifted' in our relationship.

He has his bad faults as do I I suppose, but he has never given me any indication he is anything other than loyal and trustworthy in that regard. That's why I can't understand why I feel the way I do.

There are only a couple of niggly things -

Last September it was my birthday but we were working different shifts. He called me in the afternoon and but I couldn't answer so he left a voicemail just happy birthday etc and that he was waiting on bus to collect DC very normal. But then after he obviously thought he had hung up his phone I could hear him still talking , quite loud having a conversation nothing dodgy but saying "which bus are you on?? I'm going to be late for DC, Haha oh yes you'll have to hurry up!!" . Then he realised he was still on the call with me and went oh and hung up. He immediately called me back making a big song and dance and over-explanation (not like him) that he was shouting across road to , you know, the guy at the school, so and so dad , and so and so dad was going to hold the bus for him. But it didn't add up because a) he isn't the type to over explain like that and he sounded off and high pitched towards me when telling me and b) it doesn't add up as why would he be asking what bus are you on if the guy was holding it at the stop not on it yet, and c) he literally barely barely knows this guy and the tone he was using when talking was jokey and way more personal and friendly. I realise this makes me sound a bit mad but it sounded like a conversation on another phone and the way he called me back panicked when he realised isn't like him at all.

Recently when the topic of cheating has come up. Not regularly, just the odd seeing a celebrity on the news cheating or something, sometimes he will mention sometimes me, but the few occasions it has come up he has a really guilty look on his face.. just a fleeting look but weird.

He takes DC to his parents on Saturdays and his parents take DC out about 9 and are back for 1 then they all have lunch together at his parents before he comes back here. However past couple months I've noticed a pattern that at least every second week if I call between say 10 and 1 pm , even if i call repeatedly, he doesn't answer at all it just rings and rings, he will then call me back at bang on the time his parents would be getting back with DC. When I mentioned this he claimed his phone on silent (not the norm) and when pressed he claimed he was trying to sleep or read and i was 'hassling' him - btw I don't phone him often at all, he usually actually calls me to chat more than I call him. So that was a bit weird.

Honestly, I am not normally crazily jealous or paranoid or anything, and I cannot very well confront on the basis of the above can I ?! There are no other signs at all, but I just cannot shake the feeling that something has shifted or happened.

Thanks if you got to the end of my ramble, not sure what I am asking , I guess if anyone else has felt this kind of guy feeling and what happened, or what should I do..

OP posts:
cod · 11/02/2018 15:52

i don't understand the parents thing. He takes them there then pisses off?

ginch · 11/02/2018 15:59

People do sound different when they are speaking to someone on the phone as opposed to in the flesh, so I can see what you mean OP.

What's he supposed to be doing on a Saturday morning? it sounds odd.

ginch · 11/02/2018 16:02

I presume you've had a look for a second phone.

I'm a great believer in gut instincts, it's the small things that you barely notice ordinarily that you're picking up on.

ScaredMum22 · 11/02/2018 16:13

Yeah, to me it sounded like he got off the phone to me, or thought he did, but then called someone else on another phone. Was also not the polite tone he would have with this school dad who he barely knows and barely speaks to ever maybe twice!! As I do 99% of drops and pick ups. It was not necessarily romantic tone, just really familiar.

The Saturday thing is usual and has been happening since the DC born. His parents are only five mins away and they pay for and take the DC to lessons 10 til 11 then shopping and back at theirs for about 1pm. Some weeks me and OH will spend this time together walking or gardening or watching film having alone time, but often he will just stay there and prepare lunch for them coming back. Occasionally I am invited and go up at 11 til after lunch.

So it's not unusual for our Saturday routine, it's just that now most of the times he is there himself on a Saturday morning, he will not answer the phone , it just rings and rings and is obviously on silent. Which he has said it was. Which he never ever has it on silent at any other time. And I can set my watch on it that he always phones me back the exact time I know his parents get back in with DC. But ignores my calls all morning. I used to not call at all or only once and he would always pick up but I noticed it one or two weeks in a row so started calling say 3/4 times most weeks he is there and it is always the same pattern of on silent or ignoring until his parents come back.

OP posts:
ScaredMum22 · 11/02/2018 16:19

Yeah they are such small things but I feel I am picking up on something. Sounds batshit I know, and I don't believe in woo but we have always had a kind of telepathic understanding between us and I just feel a shift.

Yeah I have looked for another phone but found nothing, although he has a locked cupboard in his parents with valuables in which he has always had, I can't really check there. Feel really bad for doing this but had a look at his actual phone as well a couple of times since this feeling and nothing in there. Feel guilty for snooping though.

OP posts:
Huntinginthedark · 11/02/2018 16:19

Why don’t you pop round, if it’s only 5 mins away
And yes I agree it doesn’t sound good. Instinct is a thing. I really don’t think you can hide an affair from someone. Unless you’re a sociopath

smilingeyes79 · 11/02/2018 16:22

You have known him a long time and your gut is telling you something is up, don't fight against it imo .... if his parents are so close go over and check, easily passed off and fancing some 121 time with him if he is there alone. It's niggling you now so you need to try and find peace or proof.

KnockMeDown · 11/02/2018 16:24

Could you pop over to the in-laws house next Saturday, and see what he is up to?

Willswife · 11/02/2018 16:25

Could you go and join him at his parents unexpectedly one Saturday? Just turn up an hour or so after he's got there?

ScaredMum22 · 11/02/2018 16:27

Yes I probably should pop round and 'surprise' him. He would think that was strange though and think something's up and I thought then he may hide even more. But I think I will have to.

I get on ok superficially with his parents, but in the past in 2013 I have had cross words and issues a bit with his mother. Although things are sorted now it's not been the same since between me and the in laws , so I don't go up there unless at Christmas or if specifically invited by him or in laws, so it would seem very strange if I just turned up there iyswim !! But I think that is what I am going to have to do I guess.

OP posts:
cod · 11/02/2018 16:43

hes w*nking I bet

Chienrouge · 11/02/2018 16:47

Wanking for 4 hours??

bastardkitty · 11/02/2018 16:56

Very strange to have a locked cupboard at his parents, but that wouldn't be where he keeps an extra phone. I don't think you're batshit. The phone/bus incident and his behaviour after it were massive red flags. That's what planted this seed. I would enlist some help re his strange visits to his parents (I know it's normal for your family). Ask a friend to keep an eye on the house and see if he leaves straight after his parents, or if someone arrives. I would want to check that out before turning up there. Does he have a car? If so, that's where the extra phone will be. You could also put an old phone on record in his car when he goes out.

LuxuryTime · 11/02/2018 17:01

If it wasn’t for the weird bus phone call I’d just say he is having a luxurious Saturday morning wank without anyone to distract him (I’m female and I’d do this Grin).

As it is the odd feeling you can’t shake is guaranteed to have a reason behind it. We’ve all been there, odd inkling feeling but nothing to put your finger on.

Crocusqueen · 11/02/2018 17:07

Hmm. I'd do a bit of digging. Given what you've said, I think your gut feeling is worth listening to. It could be absolutely nothing, but I sort of know what you mean about the shift, it's happened to me a few times before, not always about cheating, and I was later proved right to wonder

DesertSky · 11/02/2018 17:13

I don’t think he has another phone, it sounds like he had the other person on hold and thought he had hung up on your call and was talking to the other caller...

SleepFreeZone · 11/02/2018 17:18

Could you pop up some medication for the kids or something like that?

bastardkitty · 11/02/2018 17:21

Once you've turned up there you've lost your advantage because he will know you're suspicious.

FlopsyMcDoodle · 11/02/2018 17:29

I’d leave turning up at il’s as a las resort as a pp says, you’ll lose you’re advantage. At the moment he doesn’t know you’re suspicious. The minute he does he’ll be a lot more careful about tripping up.

It may seem like small things, but you know your oh. If something feels wrong it feels wrong.

FizzyGreenWater · 11/02/2018 17:30

What phone does he have? Would it be possible to track his phone for a Saturday, to see if he's staying at his parents house or going somewhere?

so I don't go up there unless at Christmas or if specifically invited by him or in laws, so it would seem very strange if I just turned up there iyswim - This isn't good. Having a dynamic like that, where they have the rest of your whole family there every weekend, being a happy family but you're effectively excluded, isn't good for loyalty either. This shouldn't be happening. Either you are welcome, properly welcome, or they shouldn't expect to have your children.

How about sitting down for a chat and saying that you don't like the status quo re his parents - and you need to change it, from now on you want a. either him to do stuff with you when they're at activities and/or b. when they all have lunch, you're going to be there too. You can certainly use the point that it's bad for your DC to see undercurrents like this and you want it to stop. See what his response to that is.

Or - more subtly - have something planned for the next few Saturdays. You used to do Saturday stuff so it shouldn't be a problem yes? See if he gets jumpy or comes up with elaborate excuses. If there suddenly appears an unassailable reason why he has to be at his parents - that's when you say fine - I'm going to start coming too.

FizzyGreenWater · 11/02/2018 17:30

Oh and yes I don't think you're being paranoid. Something is up.

CuppaRosieLea · 11/02/2018 17:32

It sounds like he had someone on hold whilst talking to you. Is it possible to go with a friend in their car to watch his parents house to see what happens once they leave? To see if he leaves or if anybody arrives? I wouldn't turn up there because, like you say, it could raise suspicion and make him a lot more careful, if he is up to no good.

Rosiie · 11/02/2018 17:37

Trust your gut, when you get a feeling like that most likely somethings up. Don't mention anything to him yet, just wait and see how things play out.

If you bring it up now without any evidences he will try and cover his tracks, that is if he is cheating.

ClockLock · 11/02/2018 17:37

If you feel something is off then keep it to yourself for now. Watch him trip himself up.

Softkitty2 · 11/02/2018 17:39

Check his car.