Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I mad?? Very persistent 'feeling' he has cheated but nothing really to back it up..

105 replies

ScaredMum22 · 11/02/2018 15:47

Long term relationship for 11 years. Has been ups and downs, and also really bad downs which we've managed to pull out of and really good ups, like most people I guess.

However for the past say a year or so, I have just had this feeling, I can't describe it, just that something has gone on, maybe ongoing maybe not, but just a feeling that something has 'shifted' in our relationship.

He has his bad faults as do I I suppose, but he has never given me any indication he is anything other than loyal and trustworthy in that regard. That's why I can't understand why I feel the way I do.

There are only a couple of niggly things -

Last September it was my birthday but we were working different shifts. He called me in the afternoon and but I couldn't answer so he left a voicemail just happy birthday etc and that he was waiting on bus to collect DC very normal. But then after he obviously thought he had hung up his phone I could hear him still talking , quite loud having a conversation nothing dodgy but saying "which bus are you on?? I'm going to be late for DC, Haha oh yes you'll have to hurry up!!" . Then he realised he was still on the call with me and went oh and hung up. He immediately called me back making a big song and dance and over-explanation (not like him) that he was shouting across road to , you know, the guy at the school, so and so dad , and so and so dad was going to hold the bus for him. But it didn't add up because a) he isn't the type to over explain like that and he sounded off and high pitched towards me when telling me and b) it doesn't add up as why would he be asking what bus are you on if the guy was holding it at the stop not on it yet, and c) he literally barely barely knows this guy and the tone he was using when talking was jokey and way more personal and friendly. I realise this makes me sound a bit mad but it sounded like a conversation on another phone and the way he called me back panicked when he realised isn't like him at all.

Recently when the topic of cheating has come up. Not regularly, just the odd seeing a celebrity on the news cheating or something, sometimes he will mention sometimes me, but the few occasions it has come up he has a really guilty look on his face.. just a fleeting look but weird.

He takes DC to his parents on Saturdays and his parents take DC out about 9 and are back for 1 then they all have lunch together at his parents before he comes back here. However past couple months I've noticed a pattern that at least every second week if I call between say 10 and 1 pm , even if i call repeatedly, he doesn't answer at all it just rings and rings, he will then call me back at bang on the time his parents would be getting back with DC. When I mentioned this he claimed his phone on silent (not the norm) and when pressed he claimed he was trying to sleep or read and i was 'hassling' him - btw I don't phone him often at all, he usually actually calls me to chat more than I call him. So that was a bit weird.

Honestly, I am not normally crazily jealous or paranoid or anything, and I cannot very well confront on the basis of the above can I ?! There are no other signs at all, but I just cannot shake the feeling that something has shifted or happened.

Thanks if you got to the end of my ramble, not sure what I am asking , I guess if anyone else has felt this kind of guy feeling and what happened, or what should I do..

OP posts:
Scuzzlet · 11/02/2018 17:40

Doesn’t seem right to me at all. I hope you get the answers you’re looking for. You should always trust your gut.

Snowydaysarehere · 11/02/2018 17:43

Tmi but check his pants.....

notapizzaeater · 11/02/2018 17:43

I'd trust my gut and go hunting for stuff

Fosterdog123 · 11/02/2018 17:43

You don't sound mad or paranoid at all - please stop thinking of yourself in those terms. There's something he's doing that's got your spidey senses tingling. I wouldn't challenge him on any of it though at the mo. I'd act totally normal and then start digging in the background. First thing I'd do is have a friend (that he doesn't know/recognise) watch what happens at his parents house on a Saturday.

pinkandstripey · 11/02/2018 17:54

Does he have an iPhone? There is a frequent location thing within settings, you could have a look and see where he is during that time. If you turn up and he's not there then he'll just say he popped out, you won't prove anything.

AHintOfStyle · 11/02/2018 17:54

You don't sound mad or paranoid.
Who on earth would have a locked cupboard in their parents hoiuse for valuable?? Especially when you've been together for 11 years!

ScaredMum22 · 11/02/2018 18:19

I only have 2 close friends one doesn't drive or live in this country and the other I did ask last week if she would park at his parents street and watch to see if he goes out or someone goes in (it's a flat so difficult to tell but think I could spot it by the timing) as soon as parents leave . alas she said no to getting involved in that capacity. So unsure how I could do it other than go to the bus stop across from his parents flat in disguise and hope he doesn't notice. Don't want to be a stalker but really feel I need to find out one way or another. He doesn't have a car.

Crocus Queen, if you don't mind saying, what were the other reasons you found for the 'shift' ??

He has a crappy old Nokia as do I. Never got the smartphone thing. So I imagine would be untrackable. I thought about getting a smartphone that records then next time I'm up there leaving it somewhere on record , but it's unlikely that it could record for days or a week , although I suppose he could call someone and I'd hear. If he found it though would be in serious shit!!

We do still do Saturday stuff together some weeks, but mainly if we haven't had a day off together during the week. He has cancelled a couple of times when we were meant to be doing stuff, but then he has always cancelled sometimes for the whole 11 years. Yes I will arrange things for us to do next couple of Saturdays and see if he acts strange or irritable about it. Usually he plans stuff and I go along but i will take the initiative.

He has never been a good or comfortable liar and I think he would make slip ups if something going on. He doesn't seem to realise that I have noticed the timing of him calling me back after ignoring my calls for hours on Sat mornings coincides with the exact time his parents return with DC.

OP posts:
ScaredMum22 · 11/02/2018 18:26

Re the locked cupboard his dad has a gun license for shooting some kind of clay things so there are a couple of lockable cabinets so it isn't unusual for them. That was silly of me to think an extra phone would be in there though as how could he get it regularly.. tbh his mum babies him a bit even and always has and he still has a lot of his old 'stuff' up there as I hate clutter in the house. But yeah why would he keep another phone there

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 11/02/2018 18:26

Keep schtum and keep watching then.
You need some proper friends OP. I would do that for my friends. If you maybe wanted to say very broadly what part of the UK you are in, maybe a MNetter will help.

Hidingtonothing · 11/02/2018 19:11

I would if I was close enough OP.

bastardkitty · 11/02/2018 19:12

Me too!

DiscotequeJuliet · 11/02/2018 21:04

I think you should use a watch & wait strategy for now. There's nothing concrete, if you start acting suspicious, he'll just cover his tracks better (if he is cheating).

YetAnotherUser · 11/02/2018 21:09

Check the mileage on his car. See how far he goes on these mysterious Saturdays. If it's further to his parents and back, something is amiss.

ScaredMum22 · 11/02/2018 21:10

Thanks guys SmileSmile I've just realised I could ask my sister as we don't see her much and she has a new car he wouldn't recognise. Didn't want to say to my family as it feels disloyal but I do need to know. If no luck i may come back asking you lot haha. I've had this suspicion in the back of my head for a while now and pushed it away since I am quite an anxious person in general especially when it comes to the DC , I have thought about going up there but for some reason i keep pushing it away thinking since he has never given me doubt before, and a part of me wants to hide from it cause it feels horrible, but it will just drag on if I don't do something to find out either way. I so hope not..

OP posts:
Blushlove · 11/02/2018 21:17

I think there's a lot to be said for intuition! I've got a funny feeling about some girl that my DP knows and I mentioned something little and he blew up! I wish I hadn't and just watched and waited. I'm also not paranoid/jealous normally there's just something off.

SandyY2K · 11/02/2018 21:34

I hope he's not cheating with the friend you asked...

It sounds dodgy...his overexplaining the bus thing.

bastardkitty · 11/02/2018 21:53

That's a good point Sandy! Good idea to ask your sister ScaredMum. A dashcam is a good idea, so you can see the comings and goings for yourself.

Itssosunny · 11/02/2018 22:30

I would also agree with using your sister's car.
Try not to talk about your plans or suspicions to your friends. Just in case.

bastardkitty · 11/02/2018 22:36

If the friend you asked and she said no mentions anything further, just say 'oh that - I don't know what on earth got into me. Everything's fine '

Itssosunny · 11/02/2018 22:39

Could he use his Saturday mornings for sleeping longer? My Dh loves long mornings at weekends.

Itssosunny · 11/02/2018 22:44

I have missed info that he takes the DCs on Saturdays mornings. Well, he could still go to bed if he isn't an early morning person but it looks like he isn't otherwise you wouldn't be suspicious.

Koala72 · 11/02/2018 23:55

Sorry but it is all weird : (

another20 · 12/02/2018 00:26

Does he read that intensely? What is he reading right now? Does he need his sleep - and would he take himself off to bed at his parents house at 9 am on a Sat?

Did you say that it sounded like he was talking on another phone - so if he has a second phone hidden check pockets, sports bags, drawers - look inside anything really. DF found her xH second phone inside a glasses case, another in a welly in the shed.

LindyHopSkipRunner · 12/02/2018 00:47

Not only did I instinctively know when my ExH had cheated on me, but I knew when he had just cheated on his 2nd wife as well.

It was his inability to meet my eyes properly. Just that little shift.

It's a human gift, apparently.

Butterymuffin · 12/02/2018 01:07

I'd dig more. The phone won't be at his parents. If you're right, the trip to his parents is cover for face to face meeting someone. Get your sister to watch the house (although ideally someone he doesn't know would be best) and look in his car etc for phone. Someone on here once found one in an old gym bag IIRC.