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Original poster

Am I mad?? Very persistent 'feeling' he has cheated but nothing really to back it up..

105 replies

ScaredMum22 · 11/02/2018 15:47

Long term relationship for 11 years. Has been ups and downs, and also really bad downs which we've managed to pull out of and really good ups, like most people I guess.

However for the past say a year or so, I have just had this feeling, I can't describe it, just that something has gone on, maybe ongoing maybe not, but just a feeling that something has 'shifted' in our relationship.

He has his bad faults as do I I suppose, but he has never given me any indication he is anything other than loyal and trustworthy in that regard. That's why I can't understand why I feel the way I do.

There are only a couple of niggly things -

Last September it was my birthday but we were working different shifts. He called me in the afternoon and but I couldn't answer so he left a voicemail just happy birthday etc and that he was waiting on bus to collect DC very normal. But then after he obviously thought he had hung up his phone I could hear him still talking , quite loud having a conversation nothing dodgy but saying "which bus are you on?? I'm going to be late for DC, Haha oh yes you'll have to hurry up!!" . Then he realised he was still on the call with me and went oh and hung up. He immediately called me back making a big song and dance and over-explanation (not like him) that he was shouting across road to , you know, the guy at the school, so and so dad , and so and so dad was going to hold the bus for him. But it didn't add up because a) he isn't the type to over explain like that and he sounded off and high pitched towards me when telling me and b) it doesn't add up as why would he be asking what bus are you on if the guy was holding it at the stop not on it yet, and c) he literally barely barely knows this guy and the tone he was using when talking was jokey and way more personal and friendly. I realise this makes me sound a bit mad but it sounded like a conversation on another phone and the way he called me back panicked when he realised isn't like him at all.

Recently when the topic of cheating has come up. Not regularly, just the odd seeing a celebrity on the news cheating or something, sometimes he will mention sometimes me, but the few occasions it has come up he has a really guilty look on his face.. just a fleeting look but weird.

He takes DC to his parents on Saturdays and his parents take DC out about 9 and are back for 1 then they all have lunch together at his parents before he comes back here. However past couple months I've noticed a pattern that at least every second week if I call between say 10 and 1 pm , even if i call repeatedly, he doesn't answer at all it just rings and rings, he will then call me back at bang on the time his parents would be getting back with DC. When I mentioned this he claimed his phone on silent (not the norm) and when pressed he claimed he was trying to sleep or read and i was 'hassling' him - btw I don't phone him often at all, he usually actually calls me to chat more than I call him. So that was a bit weird.

Honestly, I am not normally crazily jealous or paranoid or anything, and I cannot very well confront on the basis of the above can I ?! There are no other signs at all, but I just cannot shake the feeling that something has shifted or happened.

Thanks if you got to the end of my ramble, not sure what I am asking , I guess if anyone else has felt this kind of guy feeling and what happened, or what should I do..

OP posts:
halfwitpicker · 12/02/2018 01:27

I'd definitely be doing more digging. You need to show up unexpectedly at the in-laws on Saturday.

halfwitpicker · 12/02/2018 01:29

He probably has a smart phone hidden away in the cupboard at his parents. And don't say that he's a technophobe. They all say that.

SuperTimbs · 12/02/2018 06:23

Trust your spidey senses, OP! I think it's a bit harsh that your friend wouldn't have a look for you Hmm

I do wonder if he's saying he is a technophobe in order to make you think that he doesn't have a smart phone hidden away somewhere?

ComeOnGordon · 12/02/2018 06:37

Trust your gut. It took me a while after I had the feeling something was up but in the end I found the proof. Always trust your gut

Pleasebeafleabite · 12/02/2018 07:51

Why does he not mention all the missed calls from you when he eventually picks up? He must have realised you’re a bit suspicious from these alone

MachineBee · 12/02/2018 07:57

Another here saying trust your senses. My ExH has many affairs and I always knew. He was very good at convincing me I’d got things wrong but the big and final one I actually had a eureka moment in the middle of the night and woke him up. He was too befuddled to come up with an excuse and admitted it.

Crazymaisienumber9 · 12/02/2018 08:41

Have to agree. You KNOW him so well. Listen to your gut. My ex went 'running ' to this day I regret not following him . They can be very ingenious and the discomfort he experiences because you are trying to track him down speaks volumes.

worriedsouth · 12/02/2018 09:00

Trust your instincts. A friend of mine in an unhappy marriage has started an affair (I'm keeping well out of it, and I don't know his wife), and his behaviour has changed so much that I can't imagine that anyone close to him would not notice a change. He's oblivious.

tumblrpigeon · 12/02/2018 09:59

You’re not going mad.

However I think the “trust your instincts” mantra is way overused.
It’s a very inexact science !

My Xh’s “instincts” told him I was having an affair.

I wasn’t.

FizzyGreenWater · 12/02/2018 10:20

Ok thinking it through logically.

The phone message thing - this, and the fact that he would very likely need one to conduct an affair says that if you are right, then he WILL have a second phone. And that's what you heard on the message - not him shouting to a dad, which was obvious bullshit, but another call.

It's madly unlikely that the second phone will be stored at his parents' place. He would want access to it all the time. It will be hidden close by. So watch him like a hawk. I'm not clear on whether he uses the car at all or not - but, if he does (or even if not) search the car thoroughly. However - you'll have to do this searching while he's at home really. He will be stashing it somewhere and taking it to work with him - so no use looking when he's not there. You need to watch him super closely when he comes home. This is the point that he will possibly stash it - he will take it to work but NOT want it on him at home. So - work bag? Does he come in and immediately head upstairs to change? Go silently straight up after him if so, see if he's jumpy. If he uses the car, watch for him driving up to the house and see if he parks and then does a bit of faffing - tucking it away. Stuff like that.

Focus on finding a phone before the Saturday morning thing.

GottadoitGottadoit · 12/02/2018 11:15

You’re not going mad. The phone call thing is weird.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 12/02/2018 12:10

I'm sure you're not mad, I have no doubt that your senses are telling you something.
But a lot of this stuff is quite far fetched.
I'm not sure about an explanation for the call, his explanation doesn't sound that unbelievable.
And could it not be that hes just spending some quiet time, without the kids or you or anyone else, just relaxing on a Saturday morning?
I'm sure you know him best but please don't make yourself ill by imagining the worst just yet.
Other than that does he seem to acting normally? Has your relationship changed in any other way, sexually for example.
Has his routine changed in any other way?

pinkandstripey · 12/02/2018 12:17

I don't really get why everyone is assuming another phone from the answerphone incident. No one would be having 2 phone conversations at once, isn't it far more likely he was talking to someone nearby in person? His explanation is weird granted, so probably not the random dad he said, and is suspicious because of that, but an extra phone is a bit of a leap imo.

Worldsworstcook · 12/02/2018 12:23

Op, I think you're barking up the wrong tree here. I don't think he's cheating, there's no 2nd phone and the bus conversation sounds perfectly normal. Now he could've been talking to a school MUM not a dad! But I think that's as far as it goes. And I doubt very much he'd pull his parents into some elaborate cheating scheme!

Changedname3456 · 12/02/2018 12:24

You realise that if you do the sneaking around thing, and get caught, that your marriage will be over anyway (or at least it would be if I was him)?

You have this feeling that something’s not right - but how are you ever going to prove a negative here? If you don’t find some sort of smoking gun, how long will you keep looking? A month? Six months? The rest of your marriage?

Isn’t that going to have a knock on effect and achieve the same result as his having an affair would do anyway (ie you split up)?

FizzyGreenWater · 12/02/2018 12:25

Yes pink could be someone standing next to him. OP's description made it sound as if it were a 'one-sided' conversation she was hearing though - like one side of a phonecall, or indeed shouting across the road to 'Random Stranger Dad'. Not a normal spoken volume, two sided conversation where she would have been able to hear the replies too (and whether the voice was male or female).

Redehila · 12/02/2018 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snowydaysarehere · 12/02/2018 12:43

Tmi alert but men who have recently had sex tend to leave white 'leftovers' in their pants.
Sorry but you asked.
Ime anyway! Blush

isthismylifenow · 12/02/2018 13:18

I have always said, go with your gut feeling. It intuition that something isn't right. I knew for 6 months before I found out about ex's affair that something was amiss. Just a lot of small silly things. On their own really nothing really, but put them all together..... and its a different situation.

Original poster
ScaredMum22 · 12/02/2018 13:23

Yes it's like a little shift.

It's not with the friend I asked or even with the other friend cause he has never met either, and wouldn't even know their surnames and only vaguely where they live. So it can't be them.

There is a shop he goes into often and for some reason I have a feeling about that. Again, no idea why, just something slightly higher pitched in his voice when he says he is going there. I know someone up thread said please don't think you are a crazy person - but I feel like I am !! It's maddening.

Yeah he does read a lot, and need a lot of sleep, but he gets a lot of quiet time as DC not too young anymore and he gets a lot of sleep. He is an early riser mostly and wouldnt go back to bed after getting up and walking to his parents. He wouldn't go back to bed unless Ill.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 12/02/2018 13:54

What kind of shop?

Would you use it?

Obvious q- who works there?

Pogmella · 12/02/2018 14:24

Yes I'd also say trust your gut. I knew something had changed between me and STBXH and it was just time before I got firm enough proof.

Can you hide something your kids need and pop over to helpfully drop it off? I'd also suggest trying to fill his time up and see if he objects...

Does he have an email at work? If you use it i'd send the odd email to see if you ever get an out of office reply...

Caucho · 12/02/2018 14:44

If he is cheating it’s probably with hookers. Very easy to keep to a schedule. Affair partners tend to be more demanding than 2 hours once a week

yetmorecrap · 12/02/2018 15:06

Intuition is a funny thing. I once answered my Hs phone to someone who did a bit of work with us and when he came back and asked who it was, his reaction was just slightly oddand so was the other persons voice when I answered nothing she actually said, I had just clearly thrown her a bit. That was the point when way back when I checked phone bills and saw the amount of texting going on. Intuition isn't always right, but it very often is.

Beanteam · 12/02/2018 15:29

Don’t let him know you suspect. No surprise visits to ILs yet.