Am I mad?? Very persistent 'feeling' he has cheated but nothing really to back it up..

[ScaredMum22]

Long term relationship for 11 years. Has been ups and downs, and also really bad downs which we've managed to pull out of and really good ups, like most people I guess.

However for the past say a year or so, I have just had this feeling, I can't describe it, just that something has gone on, maybe ongoing maybe not, but just a feeling that something has 'shifted' in our relationship.

He has his bad faults as do I I suppose, but he has never given me any indication he is anything other than loyal and trustworthy in that regard. That's why I can't understand why I feel the way I do.

There are only a couple of niggly things -

Last September it was my birthday but we were working different shifts. He called me in the afternoon and but I couldn't answer so he left a voicemail just happy birthday etc and that he was waiting on bus to collect DC very normal. But then after he obviously thought he had hung up his phone I could hear him still talking , quite loud having a conversation nothing dodgy but saying "which bus are you on?? I'm going to be late for DC, Haha oh yes you'll have to hurry up!!" . Then he realised he was still on the call with me and went oh and hung up. He immediately called me back making a big song and dance and over-explanation (not like him) that he was shouting across road to , you know, the guy at the school, so and so dad , and so and so dad was going to hold the bus for him. But it didn't add up because a) he isn't the type to over explain like that and he sounded off and high pitched towards me when telling me and b) it doesn't add up as why would he be asking what bus are you on if the guy was holding it at the stop not on it yet, and c) he literally barely barely knows this guy and the tone he was using when talking was jokey and way more personal and friendly. I realise this makes me sound a bit mad but it sounded like a conversation on another phone and the way he called me back panicked when he realised isn't like him at all.

Recently when the topic of cheating has come up. Not regularly, just the odd seeing a celebrity on the news cheating or something, sometimes he will mention sometimes me, but the few occasions it has come up he has a really guilty look on his face.. just a fleeting look but weird.

He takes DC to his parents on Saturdays and his parents take DC out about 9 and are back for 1 then they all have lunch together at his parents before he comes back here. However past couple months I've noticed a pattern that at least every second week if I call between say 10 and 1 pm , even if i call repeatedly, he doesn't answer at all it just rings and rings, he will then call me back at bang on the time his parents would be getting back with DC. When I mentioned this he claimed his phone on silent (not the norm) and when pressed he claimed he was trying to sleep or read and i was 'hassling' him - btw I don't phone him often at all, he usually actually calls me to chat more than I call him. So that was a bit weird.

Honestly, I am not normally crazily jealous or paranoid or anything, and I cannot very well confront on the basis of the above can I ?! There are no other signs at all, but I just cannot shake the feeling that something has shifted or happened.

Thanks if you got to the end of my ramble, not sure what I am asking , I guess if anyone else has felt this kind of guy feeling and what happened, or what should I do..

IME your intuition, spidey senses, whatever you want to call it, is rarely wrong. Sometimes you just know that something is not right.

I'd check out the shop and find out what - or rather, who - is in there. That might shed a bit of light on things. I suspect he has a second phone. As a PP has said don't believe the technophobe bullshit, as it's amazing how inventive and flexible people can suddenly be when they decide they want to have an affair and cover it up.

Always trust your gut instinct. It may not be the obvious but spider senses are rarely wrong.

I’d be tempted to ask your sister or pop round to your Inlaws on a Saturday, even id it looks odd, it’ll either put your mind at rest or give you some answers

It doesn't sound too alarming to me but if you have a feeling then you need to keep your eyes and ears open, what's this about the shop?

I used a tracking app, downloaded it onto my phone ( I too had an ancient Nokia and I am terrible with technology), switched it to silent then 'accidentally' left it in my (now-ex) DP's car. You can then see on your computer exactly where your phone - much like Findmyi-phone but more accurate. It is a horrible thing to resort to but living with that uncertainty is worse. I had tried the honest discussion route (resulting in outrage, anger, point blank denial etc) and had virtually no evidence at that point, other than some subtle changes in behaviour that in themselves were innocent but just seemed odd. I really hoped I was being mad and thought tracking his movements might put my mind at rest - unfortunately it confirmed my worst suspicions. If you feel unable to go round to the house, and there's no one else who can do it on your behalf, then there are options like that - albeit as a last resort.

“Spider senses are rarely wrong”

Only on mumsnet

Could he be involved in something else which you would disapprove of like gambling or watching porn?

Definitely something there and ure gut is hardly ever wrong he really doesn't need to spend sat at his mum's he could just drop son off and come back home and do something with you what kind of phone is it

No he doesn't mention the missed calls from me on a Sat mornings. He doesn't seem to notice that I have realised that its only that time his phone is on silent or unanswered. Or at least he hopes I don't realise.

Don't know about the pants thing.. but I will defer to those who have experience of it.

The shop is a paper shop or sandwich shop type shop which is local. I don't know why I suspect there, and the few times I have been in it's been ladies much older than us as in 25 years older however I guess other people might work there. I've been there with him once or twice though not past few months and last week we walked past it a couple times together and we walk around the neighborhood a lot so don't know. The only reason I can think of as to why I have the feeling about there is that he started going there about a year ago which maybe my senses are correlating with the beginning of something being off. I am going to suggest popping there out of the blue on our next day off see how he reacts.

No work email no.

Hope it's not hookers, although for me probably an emotional attachment would be a bit worse. he has always said he is against lap dancing etc and doesn't have much money but you never know.

Argh this is hard. If I am wrong then I feel bad for thinking this about him, but I just can't shake the feeling something is off. All the posters on here saying they knew something had shifted, a couple strange things that don't completely add up, the not looking in the eye quite like he used to, has at least helped me believe I am not going mad and something has changed, cheating or not.

He does spend some Saturdays back here with me, or we go somewhere. Maybe one out of three Saturdays. If we have a day or two off together in the week he will likely stay at parents on the Saturday morning, if not he will generally come back. So it's not every Saturday iyswim. But it is just odd that recent months his phone has started to be on silent/unanswered when he is there, despite him taking them there every Saturday for years before and answering if I happened to call. Also the terseness when I asked why phone on silent. I didn't elaborate and think I will still try phoning but keep my mouth shut, and yes try to fill up his time as someone said and see if that makes him irritable.

He isn't into gambling at all as far as I'm aware. I don't think he watches porn either at all or at all regularly but i wouldn't know what he does when I am not around. If I knew he watches porn then he knows I wouldn't be happy about it probably as I feel insecure in my body nowadays so I'd be a bit upset , but I think he knows I wouldn't end the relationship over that unless it was excessive or started affecting our relationship. Sex life hasn't changed well it's not as good as the first years due to my being more body conscious and him being a bit older now, but nothing has changed in the past few years in that department.

Bathsheba, he doesn't have a car, but maybe I could leave it in his rucksack or something. Would that be too obvious though.. that is a really good idea though didn't know you could get them for old phones.

A CAR (voice activated recorder) can be as discreet as a USB stick...so would likely go unnoticed in his ruc sack depending on how neat and tidy it is.

So you think he has an affair every Saturday morning at or near his parents’ house while they take the kids out?

Why can't you follow him to IL's - wait outside or sit in sis's car. See if he leaves the house. Bit weird but the problem in accusing him or trying to catch him out, which might alert him, is that he can then be the injured party, he started gambling/ porn/ gaming habit because you mistrusted him/ were a paranoid wife.

Could you get hold of his phone?

To be honest, doesn't look like an affair, but does look like something secret from you is going on.

Have you decided on what you're planning on doing today OP?
I hope it's nothing more than a case of him making the most of having some time to himself.

this went quiet then

Any update OP?

Did you do anything on Sat OP?

Well I did what I knew I shouldn't have done - confronted him. he went out on Valentine's day. We have barely ever except maybe 1 or 2 years even acknowledged valentine's so that in itself wasn't a big thing, but just couldn't keep a lid on it anymore and I went off on one a bit about the never answering the phone when his parents have DC anymore. I said you'd think the same if it was me doing that etc. He went ballistic that I was 'accusing' (well yeah I suppose I was) and kept going on about his 'good character' . He stormed out and has been at his parents a lot since and we have barely spoken since, so that was last Tues. .

Can't decide if the storming means I am totally in the wrong, or it is even more dodgy. Tbh I don't think I actually care anymore. I do , but not enough as I used to. Which probably means our relationship isn't as ok as I thought. Perhaps we are both sick of each other.

He spent the weekend there with DC and eldest DC volunteered that (apart from both Sat and Sun am when gps took them out), dad just sat watching TV except from taking them to get a haircut. I wouldn't drag them into it, so was quite glad when DC said this , at least he wasn't going out or anything.

Don't know where we go from here though. Some quite unpleasant things were said in the argument. Nothing that's not been said before, but this time it feels different, like we are both sick of each other. Think it's been building a while, although Christmas and early Jan were great.

Thanks for checking in. I am going to do the recorder thing maybe, but maybe it's the end of the road anyway. The other day I realised that he didn't really congratulate me on a recent work promotion, was very lukewarm about it , and my anxiety which I've always had seems to be irritating him more now than it used to. His faults are irritating me more as well.

'Good character' is a very odd thing to say, rather than 'I'm not cheating on you, I'm sorry if you thought I was'. The sort of thing police might say of a potential witness or a job interviewer of a candidate!

Following him, checking his phone, spying on him, bugging his clothes. Really think about what you are doing. If he finds out, he will think, legitimately, that you are a thousand shades of bat shit and leave you. Do you really want that?

Do you mean he stormed out on Valentines Night and didn't come back for a while?

I think it's fairly clear the relationship is over.

No he went out on valentine's Day. We've never done anything special on valentine's so it wasn't that as such. I guess it was my suspicion getting the better of me, I find it hard to keep things in for long, so I accused him and then he went mental and went up his parents. Came back but we didn't speak and then he took DC there all weekend instead of just Sat morning. We are barely speaking ATM. Which has happened before, but this time it feels different.

Where did he say he was going on V Day? Who with? Did you check it out?

Was going to DIY store and to get present for his family members birthday. I didn't check as was at home with the DC and having financial stress so didn't feel up to checking. Couldn't really check it out either cause neither of us drive and it would be following him on foot with DC in tow. It's a mess . Wish I hadn't said anything now and just kept an eye on things.