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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he just being friendly?

105 replies

Sudafed73 · 09/02/2018 20:46

This is a silly one and I feel a bit silly posting but I don't want to talk to anyone in RL.

There's a man at work that I like but I don't know if he's just being friendly. If anyone else was telling me the goings on, I'd say he definitely liked them but seems to have trouble for myself.

We are both quite shy around each other. Over the last week we've started talking via messages at home and spoke back and forth over 4 days and a couple of hours tonight. Tonight I mentioned I had to write a speech and had no idea where to start...an hour later he'd come back to me with an email of a doc he'd written for me to use and put effort into it.

If someone said to me they'd spent that long talking to someone from work (not just about work, what we were doing that day/interests etc) and put effort into writing something for them at home, I'd be inclined to say they liked each other.

In person, we try to talk but I feel shy around him and he seems nervous ish and paces when talking to me in front of people

Help MNers lol

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 09/02/2018 20:47

Yeah I'd say he definitely likes you Smile

babydreamer1 · 09/02/2018 20:52

Yep he likes you!

Myself and a guy I used to work with started by messaging each other outside of work, fast forward 3 years and we live together and are expecting our first baby!

Original poster
Sudafed73 · 09/02/2018 20:55

So as to not drip feed, one of my idiot friends asked him if he liked me about a month ago and he said no which threw me until this week. My friend is really laddy and imposing (as opposed to shy, nice man) so part of me thought maybe he wouldn't have said yes even if he did. If that hadn't happened and be imprinted in my head, i'd feel a lot more confident

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 09/02/2018 20:59

He was put on the spot by your friend and said no when he meant yes.
It sounds as if he is definitely interested,you could invite him for a coffee or drink to say thank you and see where it goes.
Good luck OP

esk1mo · 09/02/2018 21:03

sounds like he didnt want to admit he liked you first, but now that he knows you like him (because why else would your friend ask him?) he is acting the way he is now.

Branleuse · 09/02/2018 21:07

he likes you

Original poster
Sudafed73 · 09/02/2018 21:14

Thanks for the replies, guys...I feel ridiculous that the thought of asking him out etc... doing that fills me with dread. It's past effecting future...I've usually been the instigator in past relationships and they've not ended well, so I have a crippling fear of putting myself out there without more surety from him...Ideally I want him to. My initial gut reaction was that he did, but after my friend's episode, I'm second guessing everything. I know I don't go home and spend hours talking to other work colleagues but maybe he does lol

OP posts:
esk1mo · 09/02/2018 22:20

i wouldnt directly ask him out. im like you, i tend to instigate. but im not doing it anymore. i drop a couple of hints eg make a light hearted comment about helping them out with something, or getting drunk for whatever reason. then they know im interested and the ball is in their court

Namethecat · 09/02/2018 22:22

Just say thanks for the speech idea .I owe you a coffee when you fancy one.

furlinedsheepskinjacket · 10/02/2018 00:15

i think if he was interested you would know

Butterymuffin · 10/02/2018 00:21

Have you ever tried suggesting (even indirectly) that you spend time together beyond work? So coffee, cinema, pub?

Do you know for sure he's not married or living with someone? Asking because it's not impossible to chat a lot at work and message a lot from home if so. Phoning or going out somewhere might be more likely if single. I'd ask about coffee as Name says and see how he reacts.

Dancingfairy · 10/02/2018 00:24

It's really not enough to say that he likes you imo. I mean he might but I don't think what you've posted means that he does.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/02/2018 08:30

I agree with pp. I'd say thanks for the speech idea. I definitely owe you a drink and see what he says

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 10/02/2018 09:00

It may be easier if you meet outside work but, since you're not keen to instigate (and I get that), the best thing to do is try to relax and enjoy the developing friendship. Let the future look after itself for a while.

This was my approach in December with a man from work who I had liked for ages. We started messaging outside work. Gradually we started messaging more and made plans to meet up. We met up a few times before anything definite happened to say he really liked me, but every step of the way was brilliant.

TatianaLarina · 10/02/2018 09:26

I don’t think you necessarily have to instigate anything, just keep going the way you are. Thank him for his work and offer to buy him lunch or take him for a coffee etc. It may evolve organically.

Original poster
Sudafed73 · 11/02/2018 21:15

Well, I got up the baby-balls to ask him out sort of. I did it extremely nonchalantly and I'm not sure if he actually realised what I meant. A friend dropped out of an event in a couple of weeks so I asked him if he liked X and told him what happened, I stupidly said I couldn't find anyone to go with thanks to an anxiety pang to dial up the casual vibe and he said he has a family night with his brother and sister (all recently moved out) every X night then went on to ask what i'd done with my day and told me how much he missed them....

I don't think it's necessarily a bad sign but I don't think I've ever so passively asked someone out they didn't realise it was happening Grin

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 11/02/2018 21:38

Sorry OP but if he has a family night out regularly, surely he'd miss one for someone he was really into? Did he sound regretful or suggest an alternative?

bitflummoxed · 12/02/2018 18:55

Oh sympathies Sudafed - I am having a very similar nightmare - it's fun isn't it? Grin

I've been kidding myself my crush has been being very gentlemanly due to my being in a very vulnerable situation over the year or so. But I plucked up courage and asked him for a coffee/drink to say thanks for his support and was over the moon when he said that would be lovely! Yet I still managed only to arrange a coffee during work hours (he was passing and didn't have a huge amount of time) and talk only about work! Still, I have progressed to us signing off texts with a X, and this time I got a hug and a peck on the cheek, but totally failed on anything else! Still none the wiser Confused

Original poster
Sudafed73 · 12/02/2018 19:17

Butterymuffin - I genuinely don't think he understood what I was saying.

Today I saw him and he looked genuinely happy to see me, left a note stuck to my computer saying thanks and drew me a smiley face then we had a conversation/laugh later, then he came to ask me to help him work wise...none of which sounds to me like the behaviour of someone who rejected the other person the night before?

OP posts:
Chippyway · 12/02/2018 19:21

I couldn’t be doing this

Just ask him.

Original poster
Sudafed73 · 12/02/2018 19:24

Chippy...yesterday took a lot of nerve for me to build up to and it spectacularly backfired so I'm not up to that!

OP posts:
ScreamingValenta · 12/02/2018 19:29

I tend to agree with Butterymuffin. If the situation was reversed - if he'd said this to you - wouldn't you have jumped at it? At the very least, suggested an alternative if you really couldn't make it?

I think if you are romantically interested in someone, you are hyper-alert for 'opportunities' of this kind, and wouldn't miss one however obliquely it was phrased.

Having said all that, I'm not a man, so I could be completely wrong in my thinking.

I also agree with Chippyway - you are best off asking him outright if you want to be certain Smile.

Original poster
Sudafed73 · 12/02/2018 19:32

If he was the type of man I'm usually attracted to, I'd definitely agree (think alpha male 'macho' type) but this guy is shy/awkward at the best of times. We are both mid 20s and I think he's only had 1 girlfriend for 3/4 years and they split in the summer. He's sweet but very literal so that's why I'm inclined to think that he hadn't got a clue (plus his behaviour today)

OP posts:
ScreamingValenta · 12/02/2018 19:46

He could have interpreted this one of two ways:

Sudafed's been blown out by her friend and is now in need of someone to go with her to this event; I'm her last hope.

Sudafed's obliquely asking me out.

I'm not sure why, if he liked you romantically, he would decline in favour of a family night that's a weekly occurrence, whichever way he interpreted it. He's either rescuing a damsel in distress or responding to a romantic overture.

I'm probably sounding a bit cynical, but I once wasted 9 months of my life on a man in this sort of situation - thinking he liked me but was too shy etc. - unfortunately, in the end, it transpired he genuinely wasn't at all interested in anything more than friendship Sad.

The longer it goes on, the more you will invest in it; the more disappointed you will be if it comes to nothing. On the other hand, if he does like you, there is no value in delaying the happy moment when you discover you're mutually interested. For those reasons, I would ask him out overtly, sooner rather than later.

Original poster
Sudafed73 · 12/02/2018 19:56

Sudafed's been blown out by her friend and is now in need of someone to go with her to this event; I'm her last hope.

...that's almost literally what I said /cringe. I said I couldn't find anyone so did he fancy coming with me. It's so embarassing Grin

OP posts: