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Original poster

Is he just being friendly?

105 replies

Sudafed73 · 09/02/2018 20:46

This is a silly one and I feel a bit silly posting but I don't want to talk to anyone in RL.

There's a man at work that I like but I don't know if he's just being friendly. If anyone else was telling me the goings on, I'd say he definitely liked them but seems to have trouble for myself.

We are both quite shy around each other. Over the last week we've started talking via messages at home and spoke back and forth over 4 days and a couple of hours tonight. Tonight I mentioned I had to write a speech and had no idea where to start...an hour later he'd come back to me with an email of a doc he'd written for me to use and put effort into it.

If someone said to me they'd spent that long talking to someone from work (not just about work, what we were doing that day/interests etc) and put effort into writing something for them at home, I'd be inclined to say they liked each other.

In person, we try to talk but I feel shy around him and he seems nervous ish and paces when talking to me in front of people

Help MNers lol

OP posts:
Armygirl · 12/02/2018 20:01

Surely if he had realised you were asking him out but said no he wouldn’t have been so cheerful and friendly today! I think maybe it dawned on him later that you were asking him out and it’s put him in a good mood because he’s happy about it! 😬
But then I am an old romantic lol

ScreamingValenta · 12/02/2018 20:02

I don't think it's embarrassing Grin. It was a good way of 'asking him out' without betraying yourself, IYSWIM. If you don't want to ask someone outright, all you can do is create opportunities for him to choose to spend time with you; but the fewer of these he takes up, the less likely it is that he sees you as more than a friend.

Original poster
Sudafed73 · 12/02/2018 20:13

Armygirl - that's what I think! Not necessarily the end bit but I can hope lol He'd be nuts to be so chatty etc today if he realised what I did lol

He told me how much he misses his brother and sister (twins a bit older than him) and they used to be more like triplets so really cherishes their evenings together. If it was a no no, he wouldn't need to spill his guts like that. I just don't want to be deluded and think he does...even though my gut has been he does since we met :/

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ScreamingValenta · 12/02/2018 20:26

Why is it you feel you can't ask him if he wants to go for a coffee after work (or to the pub if there's an after-work-pub culture there)? I think you are falling into the trap of over-analysing what he says and does. If your gut feeling is that he likes you, ask him for a coffee or something similarly casual and see what he says. It's not a declaration of undying love - it's the sort of thing you might say to anyone whose company you enjoyed on a platonic basis.

Original poster
Sudafed73 · 12/02/2018 20:30

I think I said, but past horrible experience/anxiety plus work environment. I just feel way too vulnerable to do that at the moment. Doesn't help when we are both shy. We also both live an hour ish in the opposite direction from work so sticking around isn't really an option

He's just gone on instagram and liked the latest pic I posted. So again, would be bizarre if he realised he turned me down yesterday lol. I'm ok in RL, all my anxiety about this is going on here lol

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ScreamingValenta · 12/02/2018 20:37

I think all you can do in that case is keep on creating opportunities for him and carry on talking to him as much as you can. Are there any general work social events that you might both be able to go to where the atmosphere might be conducive to him opening up a bit? Or is there any way you could organise something for a small group of you, including him - a team meal out or similar?

Original poster
Sudafed73 · 12/02/2018 20:39

Not until Christmas unfortunately! I do appreciate you taking the time to reply though x

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Armygirl · 12/02/2018 20:46

I can’t imagine a guy who doesn’t like you ‘liking’ any of your posts on Instagram! Maybe one day he’ll ask you to join him on one of his family night outs.

ScreamingValenta · 12/02/2018 20:47

Oh, well - you never know - maybe something will come up before Christmas - leaving do, drinks because someone's got promoted or similar Smile. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you - I really hope your gut instinct is correct.

ScreamingValenta · 12/02/2018 20:49

... Valentine's Day on Wednesday might be an opportunity to introduce romance into the conversation in a light-hearted and non-specific way Wink.

Original poster
Sudafed73 · 12/02/2018 20:59

Haha I shall try and update!

ArmyGirl - he watches literally every story I post too...So he either likes me or is THE most bored person to have the time/inclination to do that ;)

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Armygirl · 12/02/2018 21:59

Sudafed I think he likes you 😀please keep us updated!
Hmmm I wonder if you should post something subtly flirty on Instagram then? 🤔

Original poster
Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 16:33

Well, I feel like shit. I asked him out v casually via text as there's always people around... He said he's sorry but he's been seeing someone for about a month and doesn't want to complicate things and didn't mean to lead me on....so, I feel like an idiot. I do think him saying about leading me on etc means he sort of knows... Sad

OP posts:
Armygirl · 14/02/2018 16:45

Aw no 😕 I didn’t expect that to happen. Well done for having the guts to ask him out though. At least you know now!
Hope you’re ok

Original poster
Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 17:22

It's really upset me...not him specifically but the fact that yet again someone who appeared lovely turns out not to be. If you're seeing someone, wtf are you spending hours talking to some girl from work even if the conversation is just friendly? I wouldn't like it if I was that girl :/

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Original poster
Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 17:46

Also to make it worse, he said he didn't think 'anyone as beautiful as you' would actually be being serious' Wtaf is that? I feel like an idiot for being as upset as I am

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Armygirl · 14/02/2018 17:56

I hate to say this but I suspect he’s known you liked him and has enjoyed the attention. Perhaps not maliciously but a bit of an ego boost for him.

Original poster
Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 17:56

Army girl, I've sent you a PM :(

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Original poster
Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 17:58

That's what's so weird, I genuinely don't think he did. He seemed really shocked as he didn't think 'I' could like him. I don't understand that warped logic at all :(

Overall I'm glad I know. But it's just so disappointing yet again

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Butterymuffin · 14/02/2018 18:10

Sorry. I suspected there might be another person in the background. But look at it this way, if he's so clueless about feelings I doubt he'll be great to be in a relationship with.

Original poster
Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 18:19

I know and I know you're right but I'm just so fed up. My last relationship ended two years ago in traumatic circumstances (He lost the plot and the police were involved) so this was a bigger deal to me even just asking...I'm not upset that I don't get to be in a relationship with him, I'm just hugely disappointed in him/men as a whole Sad

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ScreamingValenta · 14/02/2018 18:34

I'm so sorry to hear this, Sudafed - try to see it that at least you won't waste any more time and emotional energy on him. I'm inclined to agree with Armygirl that he was enjoying all the attention.

As I said upthread, I had a very similar experience in the past, and you're spot on that the sense of disappointment is one of the worst parts - that and the 'back to square one' sensation.

From all you've posted, I'm getting the impression that people see you as fun to be with, attractive, kind and sensitive, so I do hope you find someone soon who will fall in love with these qualities. When you do, you will find you don't have to do the running or be oblique - he will want to spend time with you, you will want to spend time with him and it will be lovely and straightforward.

Original poster
Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 18:54

Thanks ScreamingValenta, I appreciate your kind words.

I'm disappointed that his actions don't match his words too. It seems he's just an idiot. If he does reply to my breezy 'ok fineeee' then is it unreasonable to tell him that it I won't be engaging in hour/day long message tennis as I don't find it respectful to the girl he's seeing?

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Butterymuffin · 14/02/2018 18:56

Don't bother telling him, just do it. Cut down drastically on the replies and how quickly you send them. I wouldn't stop altogether to avoid him saying 'she threw a big strop and stopped talking to me, women huh?' But I would pull it way back so you're not a convenient source of boredom relief anymore.

Original poster
Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 18:57

It probably sounds a bit juvenile, but he rejects me then I posted a new instagram story and is the first person at the top of my watchers list. I feel a tad unreasonable, but fuck offfffffff man

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