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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he just being friendly?

105 replies

Sudafed73 · 09/02/2018 20:46

This is a silly one and I feel a bit silly posting but I don't want to talk to anyone in RL.

There's a man at work that I like but I don't know if he's just being friendly. If anyone else was telling me the goings on, I'd say he definitely liked them but seems to have trouble for myself.

We are both quite shy around each other. Over the last week we've started talking via messages at home and spoke back and forth over 4 days and a couple of hours tonight. Tonight I mentioned I had to write a speech and had no idea where to start...an hour later he'd come back to me with an email of a doc he'd written for me to use and put effort into it.

If someone said to me they'd spent that long talking to someone from work (not just about work, what we were doing that day/interests etc) and put effort into writing something for them at home, I'd be inclined to say they liked each other.

In person, we try to talk but I feel shy around him and he seems nervous ish and paces when talking to me in front of people

Help MNers lol

OP posts:

ScreamingValenta · 14/02/2018 19:57

You really could be me posting 20 years ago, as the situation and dynamics are almost exactly the same! You honestly will get over it more quickly than you think, and you will then be thankful that it didn't drag out longer and waste more of your head-space. You'll know when you meet the right person as there won't be a long period of wondering whether he likes you. Fingers crossed the right one will come along soon for you .

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 20:02

SV, I know x I genuinely think I'll be fine tomorrow. I don't regret asking and finding out now, I definitely feel better for that. I've got a lot on in every other aspect of life too including nursing a dying relative so everything is heightened emotion wise. I'm chamomile tea-ing as we speak!

OP posts:

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 20:03

[quote]I don't know what I am saying to be fair. i just think you should keep the friendship going as it was going. I don't think he is in the wrong. In fact, no one is wrong here. Keep the friendship as strong as possible. Don't cool out or "change" in any way.[/quote]

Why, what would be the point?

OP posts:

Lookatyourwatchnow · 14/02/2018 20:05

I disagree, I think that actually he is wrong. I wouldn't be happy to discover that my partner was hedging his bets like this. All those conversations and he hasn't bothered dropping into conversation to OP that he has started seeing someone? Mmmmm.

Mom2K · 14/02/2018 20:10

I can't see how some would feel he hasn't done anything wrong. He has spent a ridiculous amount of time communicating with OP outside of work, never mentioning his g/f and even avoiding the question when she had asked who he went to the cinema with. He also could have casually mentioned the g/f after OP indirectly asked him out. He apologized for maybe leading her on after she made it more clear that she was asking him out. He knew what he was doing.

Anyway sorry you are disappointed, I know the feeling. Fancied a guy from work as well last year. He was chatty, touched my shoulder etc. Really flirty. Connected with him on FB and saw he's married. never mentioned the wife and he knew I was single and flirting back. I think it's disgusting.

QuiteLikely5 · 14/02/2018 20:16

You can be friends with someone of the opposite sex op. Perhaps he wanted to be your friend

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 20:20

Mom2K
'He apologized for maybe leading her on after she made it more clear that she was asking him out'

I think that's sticking with me too. I received flowers from someone today. I'm not interested and have only ever been friendly. I didn't apologise for leading them on...because I didn't lol

OP posts:

CaffeineBomb · 14/02/2018 20:35

Honestly I don't think demirose was overly harsh and didn't come across as trying to be hurtful

It feels like you want people to say he
likes you and there is still a chance. There could be but equally there may not be and nobody on here can tell you what he is thinking.

I would cool the friendship outside of work for your own sanity if nothing else, he's admitted to you he's seeing someone else so even if he did have slightly more than 'friendship feelings' he likes this girl enough to have told you about her and say he wouldn't go out with you.

It's a shit situation and I get that it hurts but I really think distance is the best thing you can do for yourself right now

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 20:39

I absolutely agree CaffieneBomb bar the demirose bit. There's absolutely not a chance now so I'm not thinking that even though maybe to you it sounds like that. And I mean not a chance because of me, not him. I need someone decisive, not someone who doesn't know what they want/would be what I deem disrespectful...probably just through thoughtlessness but either way, not for me.

It doesn't mean I can't vent on here the day it happened though : )

OP posts:

Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname · 14/02/2018 20:50

sudafed there is nothing wrong with asking someone out and at least he was honest unlike the guy I asked out who lied about it . Some of these guys just like the attention and will lie or lie by omission to get that . Move on and don't give it a second thought.

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 21:09

That's my tomorrow plan ;)

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 15/02/2018 15:30

Hi Sudafed, sorry you are going through this, it sucks.
I wondered if he and the person he is dating have Just decided to be exclusive? Not that I'm looking for excuses for him, it's just that it occurred to me.
Hope you meet a really great man soon.

SM2132 · 15/02/2018 17:08

I think you should apologise to Demirose! She bothered to post on your thread and offer you support (saying not to cry over someone as you misread the signals) and you were rude telling her not to post again.
To be fair, I think you expected him to like you as you say he is perceived as a little odd and you are surprised he doesn't. It is a shame he doesn't. You win some, you lose some. Chin up, plenty more fish in the sea.

TatianaLarina · 15/02/2018 20:35

OP doesn’t have to apologise to Demi for her dose of schadenfreude.

He basically led you on OP when he has plenty of time to let you know he was dating someone. He should have said so when you asked about the ticket, not merely given you an excuse about family. He’s not been fair to either of you.

In short he’s a bit of a tit and it’s good you can put it to bed before it went any further. I wonder how long would he have indulged messaging you if you hadn’t asked him out?

Gemini69 · 15/02/2018 23:13

OP... don't change who you are.. because someone let you down..

go into work and be your usual happy breezy self... rise above it/him.. don't let this knock you lady

Wanderlust1984 · 16/02/2018 00:23

Wow, what a cow you were to demirose! This bloke probably picked up on how obsessed and over-entitled you are and ran a mile. You sound like a bully.

pringlecat · 16/02/2018 00:40

I wonder if he regarded you as his 'work wife'?

With that said, there is a very fine line between having a work marriage and an emotional affair!

Sorry you feel disappointed, OP.

SM2132 · 16/02/2018 08:54

They were texting... she asked him out (twice) he said no as he has just started seeing someone. He probably didn't want to say earlier as it was (and is) very early days! It's not like he is a married man texting her and doing something dishonest. Surely he is free to text who he wants at this early stage. Also, there is the possibility he isn't actually seeing anyone else and just trying (clumsily) to let OP down gently.

Branleuse · 16/02/2018 15:39

Hes led you on.
Just brush yourself down and forget him

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 16/02/2018 19:48

I just wanted to thank everyone who posted supportive and kind messages to me the other day - It was a rubbish day and you really helped

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 16/02/2018 20:46

He was going to see Jumanji

Well that's LTB territory right there, surely?

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 16/02/2018 20:48

OP posts:

ScreamingValenta · 16/02/2018 21:01

Glad you're feeling better!

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 16/02/2018 21:04

I do, SV, thank you. Like I said, I knew I'd be fine but it was such a disappointing realisation that another 'nice' guy wasn't quite how he presented himself. I saw him today and he was rather overenthusiastic in his greeting to me, I mentioned a TV show we both watch and left to get on with my work. Breezy personified lol

OP posts:

ScreamingValenta · 16/02/2018 21:10

Breezy sounds the perfect way to be from now on. Onwards and upwards! .

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