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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he just being friendly?

105 replies

Sudafed73 · 09/02/2018 20:46

This is a silly one and I feel a bit silly posting but I don't want to talk to anyone in RL.

There's a man at work that I like but I don't know if he's just being friendly. If anyone else was telling me the goings on, I'd say he definitely liked them but seems to have trouble for myself.

We are both quite shy around each other. Over the last week we've started talking via messages at home and spoke back and forth over 4 days and a couple of hours tonight. Tonight I mentioned I had to write a speech and had no idea where to start...an hour later he'd come back to me with an email of a doc he'd written for me to use and put effort into it.

If someone said to me they'd spent that long talking to someone from work (not just about work, what we were doing that day/interests etc) and put effort into writing something for them at home, I'd be inclined to say they liked each other.

In person, we try to talk but I feel shy around him and he seems nervous ish and paces when talking to me in front of people

Help MNers lol

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Butterymuffin · 14/02/2018 18:58

I would suddenly find you are very, very busy, in fact. I don't think he'd get the bit about it being disrespectful (which it is) I think he'll be more comfortable with reading that as jealousy. Just drop right back to very minimal levels on the communication.

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 18:59

I don't think I'm emotionally cut off enough to speak to him outside work anymore. I'll obviously speak and be friendly etc at work, but I need a boundary for when I'm not there. He's not my friend, friend if that makes sense...I know what you mean though, so I feel torn

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DerelictWreck · 14/02/2018 19:02

TBF he hasn't done anything wrong. I completely get why you're upset and feeling annoyed but don't turn that on him as you may end up regretting how you act next.

ScreamingValenta · 14/02/2018 19:04

I think you should simply stop responding back-and-forth to messages, (beyond what's ordinarily civil given that you work in the same place)

I don't think there's much to be gained by making a statement to say why or referring to the woman he is dating; though you're absolutely right - if I were her, I wouldn't be too pleased about endless messaging with another woman; however, that's his problem! You have dodged a bullet by not getting involved with this immature attention-seeker.

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 19:09

DerekictWreck, he has done something wrong. He's not treated me fairly at all. Nobody is 'turning' on him, but pointing out that it's disrespectful to be talking to another girl if you're seeing something certainly doesn't fall under than umbrella. Even if he was just being 'friendly', it's still ott contact for someone who isn't actually a friend or preexisting friend,

sighhhh I know you're right and won't send it, SV. If he asks why I'm not though, I'm absolutely telling him.

I have dodged a bullet, and I think it might be down to immaturity. One of my work friends said they thought he liked me too but 'as if he stood a chance' (the man I mentioned in OP) so it has dented my self esteem a tad too, which I know is silly

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DerelictWreck · 14/02/2018 19:13

Even if he was just being 'friendly', it's still ott contact for someone who isn't actually a friend or preexisting friend

You are joking right?

The guy has been dating someone for a month so he's not allowed to make new friends! That is seriously controlling behaviour!

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 19:17

Ok thanks for your helpful contribution...

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ScreamingValenta · 14/02/2018 19:18

I agree he is in the wrong - with the level of communication you were having, it has to be intentional that he didn't once mention to you that he was seeing someone - and that has to be because he was selfishly enjoying the attention he was getting.

Men can have odd reasons for being attracted to someone and may not always go for the person you'd mark out as most physically attractive; and most definitely not always for the most intelligent/successful/kind person, so you shouldn't let it dent your self-esteem.

Thebluedog · 14/02/2018 19:19

Oh sorry sudafed that’s really disappointing and in your shoes I’d be a little put out by it. Surely he’d have had the chance to tell you about him seeing someone during your conversations.

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 19:21

Thats exactly it, SV. If he'd just mentioned her, no problem and I'd obviously have never embarrassed myself today

They can indeed. This is going to sound awful, but it's more to do with he's not my usual type at alllll and it surprised me that I liked him so it just feels like an extra kick. I'm aware that sounds bad, but it's how I feel atm, People at work make fun of him for being odd/different, but I found that endearing...I don't even know what I'm rambling about anymore!

I really do appreciate all of your replies, typing out how I'm feeling is helping me as I didn't tell anyone in RL x

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Original poster

Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 19:24

Thebluedog...you'd think. Including during the mundane messages a la 'what are you doing with your day off?' ...'nothing special'...etc. If it had been a 'going on a date, met a new girl, BUD'...no issue lol

I now think he was even messaging me when he was with her. We had an odd conversation about the cinema. He was going to see Jumanji and messaged me just before saying he wasn't ignoring me as he was in the cinema and then messaged me when he got out straight away telling me about the film and replying to everything else except who he was with

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ScreamingValenta · 14/02/2018 19:31

You'll soon start seeing his faults more clearly and find yourself in a place where you'll wonder what it was you saw in him.

It sounds as though somewhere deep down you probably felt a bit sorry for him to begin with, as he's seen as a bit of an 'oddball' and that's led to you feeling a sympathetic connection with him and subsequently developing a 'romantic' interest which, when you're able to distance yourself you'll find isn't really built on very much after all.

demirose87 · 14/02/2018 19:35

He sees you as a friend and is more into the other girl. He's probably just been enjoying the attention if he's not the kind of guy who normally gets it. He probably knows he's been paying you too much attention and feels bad he's led you on, that's why he's only telling you now about the other girl. He felt awkward and put on the spot.
I would try and forget about him, there's loads more men out there. And if you really had to ask on here if he likes you, then sorry but you already have your answer. If he was into you, for damn sure you would know about it.
He may think you're beautiful, but that doesn't really mean anything, his girlfriend may be beautiful too and they have just hit it off more on a personal level. But I think by him saying that, he's letting you down gently so as not to hurt your feelings. It pretty much sums it up that he answered " no" when your friend asked did he like you. Sorry to be so blunt but I am straight talking. Dust yourself off and you will meet the right guy sooner or later, but this time, let him do all the work.

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 19:39

demirose, after I've already said how upset./sensitive I am tonight, I could have done without 'straight talking' when others have already said similar in a nicer way. It's only served to upset me more as I'm getting all my feelings out on here and pulling myself together

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SantaClauseMightWork · 14/02/2018 19:39

Don't do anything. Give it time. Give it time. Give it time. Give it time.

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 19:40

SV, I think that is it. He was sweet and sensitive and the opposite of what I go for so you probably are right. Like I said, I'll be fine tomorrow, I'm just disappointed in my lack of luck picking them!

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Original poster

Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 19:40

^men not them!

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Original poster

Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 19:41

What do you mean, SantaClauseMightWork?

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SantaClauseMightWork · 14/02/2018 19:44

I don't know what I am saying to be fair. i just think you should keep the friendship going as it was going. I don't think he is in the wrong. In fact, no one is wrong here. Keep the friendship as strong as possible. Don't cool out or "change" in any way.

demirose87 · 14/02/2018 19:45

Sorry I didn't mean to upset you, but you should stop crying over him. He doesn't owe you anything. He hasn't dated you or slept with you and dropped you, he's acted at most over friendly, and you have misread. It's up to you if you take my advice or not, but he really isn't into you in the way you think. You're probably looking at him through rose tinted glasses anyway.

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 19:49

You just apologised and literally did the same thing again but worse. Please - respectfully - don't post on my thread again :(

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Original poster

Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 19:50

I also didn't say I was crying over him, I said I was upset about the general state of things and this disappointment compounds it

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Lookatyourwatchnow · 14/02/2018 19:53

He's bang out of order. Messaging you every night outside work whilst he is seeing someone? Just no. As soon as I read your first post it was clear he fancied you, and I was all for it. Then I read your update and realised that he is a wanker. He wants to keep you on the back boil in case he decides in the future that you're s better option than the woman he is seeing. He is being completely disrespectful to both of you and he is absolutely not trustworthy. Imagine if you were seeing him and you discovered that he was speaking to another woman the way he is speaking to you? Great, quick escape for you, OP. I'm sorry though, I know it's shit.

cedoren · 14/02/2018 19:54

I think you've been given some very fair and kind advice on here, you just don't seem to want to hear it. And I completely agree with those who say he hasn't done anything wrong.

Original poster

Sudafed73 · 14/02/2018 19:56

All but demirose has been exactly that, cedoren

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