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Original poster

DP moving in with EW

123 replies

sunshiney78 · 06/02/2018 06:52

Hello. My boyfriend’s EXW has a chronic medical condition which has deteriorated significantly over the past few months, involving multiple hospital admissions etc. She now needs help with mobility and other things. They have been divorced about 4 yrs and have primary school aged DC.

BF is planning on moving back in to the family home help with DC. Should I respectfully bow out at this point, or carry on as normal (if he still makes an effort to see me).

OP posts:
brizzledrizzle · 06/02/2018 06:53

I'd respectfully bow out Thanks

LEMtheoriginal · 06/02/2018 06:54

For your own sanity move on

MaisyPops · 06/02/2018 06:57

For me it depends.
Is he jumping in to support the children so they have stability until mum has got a way to manage her health issues? Then short term until she gets on her feet I would see how it goes. His priorities have to be his children.

If it's providing indefinite support for an unspecified period of time to her then I'd move on.

marmitecrumpets · 06/02/2018 06:58

I wouldn't like that, so I'd bow out now

rewritethestars · 06/02/2018 07:00

Difficult one but I would leave them to it.

Rainboho · 06/02/2018 07:01

I would also walk away, respectfully.

Mrstobe90 · 06/02/2018 07:06

I'm so sorry but I agree with the others. I'd wish him well and move on. Xx

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 06/02/2018 07:06

I'm a "depends" too. a) How long have you two been together? b) Do you currently live together? c) Have you sat down with him and discussed what him moving in means for your relationship and whether you can make still it work? Because I wouldn't necessarily walk away if a) yours is a serious, committed relationship, b) you live together and this is a temporary move for him and c) you've discussed this in depth and how it impacts you. Taking all that into account, there's no reason this needs to spell the end for you.

JackietheBackie · 06/02/2018 07:14

I think if you want to make a home with someone and maybe have children, then walk away. If you are settled and like living alone and don't want children or already have children of your own and don't want any more, and you are happy to have a less involved relationship then this could be fine. He is doing the right thing by prioritising the needs of his children. But they aren't your children and you shouldn't sacrifice your hopes and dreams for them.

Original poster
sunshiney78 · 06/02/2018 07:17

We’ve only been together 4 months, but it is a committed relationship. We don’t live together. I believe there is no potential of any romantic feeling between them and I do feel secure in the relationship, but at the same time am not sure if I should have to accept it.

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 06/02/2018 07:18

Yes. You should.
He won't have anything left to give to your relationship. Your relationship will be on stand-by and no mutual dreams will blossom. Your resentment, despite the sad circumstances pulling him away, will mushroom cloud. Wish him well and move on.

That's really tough for you, OP. I hope you're ok. Flowers

EmyRoo · 06/02/2018 07:18

What do you want to do?

NotAgainYoda · 06/02/2018 07:20

No. I'd bow out. This is too complicated

HollyBollyBooBoo · 06/02/2018 07:21

I have huge respect for him doing that but I wouldn't maintain a relationship with him.

I couldn't do it, 4 months in you're not losing a lot. Move on.

picklemepopcorn · 06/02/2018 07:21

What is her long term prognosis?

He is a good man, stepping up to care for his children.

It does impact your future though, depending on your intentions. If you were a month off moving him in with you and starting your own family, then it's a no go. If you were looking to that future in a few years, then it could still be ok.

Masterbuilders · 06/02/2018 07:23

I do respect him actually, he’s stepping up for his children and no doubt so the children can have a stable home, SS May have asked him to step in.

I couldn’t have a relationship with him though, he’s needed elsewhere and it’s too complicated.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/02/2018 07:23

It sounds like she may have a a life limiting illness, is that correct? Is she going to die at some point in the next few years?

You’ve only been together 4 months. Personally I’d step away. He can then centre his time on his family, which is an amazingly honourable thing to do.

If it’s meant to be, it will happen some time in the future when he’s more settled.

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 06/02/2018 07:24

Okay, if you're committed that's good. But have you talked about this? Because your comment "should I have to accept this?" would ring alarm bells if I were your DP. The mother of his children is sick and can't care for them and he has/wants/needs to help. If you're not happy about him wanting to look after his children in a crisis, what about the rest of the time? I actually think you probably should walk away now.

InfiniteSheldon · 06/02/2018 07:24

Please leave them to work out how best to care for their children and themselves you can only complicate things

Insomeotheruniverse · 06/02/2018 07:25

I too would bow out now. He’s never going to be able to give everything to your relationship. Resentment will grow from the fact you’re never going to be high up on his list of priorities. He’s not going to be in a position to take things forward with you. It’s very sad.

LIZS · 06/02/2018 07:25

Move on. It is unlikely the situation will change again so that he is free to enjoy a relationship with you . Whether they are romantically still involved or not.

ronniebarkersauntie · 06/02/2018 07:25

Im taking all this on face value in which a decent man feels he has no choice to step in to take the pressure off his kids. In which case, I’m surprised no one has said how tough it could be for the DP; his hopes and dreams might have been shattered too, and he might be counting on the OP for support.
How long have they been separated @sunshiney78, and how old are the children?

Finola1step · 06/02/2018 07:26

I think it depends on your own life stage and want you want from a relationship. So if you are in your 20/30s and would like to get married, have children etc then walk away as this man is not in the position to meet those needs.

If you are much older with your own home, family, career, strong friendship group and you just want some male companionship every now and then, carry on.

He sounds like a nice guy doing the right thing by his children.

EmyRoo · 06/02/2018 07:32

You should not have to accept it, but not accepting obviously means leaving the relationship.

If he is a decent man, he does not really have a choice. They are his DC and they need cared for, their mother also needs a level of care. He sounds like a good man.

What you are really looking at is supporting him, while he supports them, which is probably not what you want four months in. It is also questionable whether he will have time for a relationship as previously with you, so it will look very different. But I would not necessarily write it off, because there is nothing romantic between them and he is a good man, but I would certainly step back for now and get on with other aspects of my life.

(The comment about her having a life-limiting illness is insensitive; please don’t post details of her condition)

Chugalug · 06/02/2018 07:35

I'd take his lead tbh....they have been divorced 4 years..that's a long time they couldof got back together if they wanted to....he may need some support from you ,you could suggest to him that yougo back to being friends ,and see what he says ..that's me being optimistic for me...the reality will probably be the kids and xwife will take up all his time..