DP moving in with EW

[sunshiney78]

Hello. My boyfriend’s EXW has a chronic medical condition which has deteriorated significantly over the past few months, involving multiple hospital admissions etc. She now needs help with mobility and other things. They have been divorced about 4 yrs and have primary school aged DC.

BF is planning on moving back in to the family home help with DC. Should I respectfully bow out at this point, or carry on as normal (if he still makes an effort to see me).

If you care for him, I would give it a couple of months and see how it pans out.

You are both parents, so you know that your kids are always a priority. Beyond that it is possible to be an emotional priority for someone even when they have many demands in their time.

People fall in love with and have relationships with members of the armed forces who disappear for months, actors and stage managers on tour, farmers who are out of the house at 4am and until 10.30pm etc.

If there is her family, and a Nanny, it could well work.

And in due course he might bring his kids to yours for the W/e. (Presumably he has been having his kids EOW or whatever?)

Or it all might prove too much.

One thing you know is, he is a decent man, who steps up.

I always find it bizarre on here that women are told that otherwise good men who are snappy when tired or a bit sulky after arguments are abusive and are advised to leave, but women who date men with children are advised to put up with being totally disregarded.

I don't think the ops is bad for doing what he is but the op wants and deserves a full relationship and this guy won't give her one.

Hmmm.

What about double standards?

I think it is interesting that in many ways this man is in the same position as many single mothers.

Having responsibility for children that he lives with.

He has domestic and responsibilities, but there are babysitters. There is other family to care for the EXW.

What would we think of a man who declined a relationship with a single mother because she had prime f/t childcare responsibilities? And a load of men were suggesting he 'drop it'?

Of course, it IS one of the difficulties for single mothers wanting a relationship, because of this. But many manage it.

Lizard it’s not about the kids at all, it’s about him having to put his Ex as a priority which most definitely isn’t the norm.
The situation sounds very difficult and they’re so early in the relationship that it would be fine did OP to decide it’s not for her

I'd run like the fucking wind. 4 months is nothing. If you are going to compromise on this then where does it end. Get out whilst you can without acrimony.

Emmyroo
You’ve read my question about the life limiting illness wrong. I was not getting off on it. Or suggesting there is something between op to go back to after his ex dies. The point is if his ex is dying (we now know she isn’t going to get better), he’s going to need to put all of his energies on his ex, not op. He’s then going to need to support his children, not be in a relationship with a woman with children. I don’t see it as insensitive. Death is a part of life and if op is wanting to stick with him, she needs to know what she’s letting herself in for. Seeing as she’s now given her age, she more than likely does.

"The situation sounds very difficult and they’re so early in the relationship that it would be fine did OP to decide it’s not for her"

I agree. The OP should feel no moral pressure at all. She should feel free to make her decision as she feels best.

But I still think her BF's circumstance has many similarities to that of a single Mum, maybe a single Mum with caring responsibilities in the wider family. And that thee have been double standards applied.

The OP does not seem to see this as her BF prioritising his EX, but the children. She has no fears that he is emotionally attached to his Ex, for example.

Well, he may be a wonderful man - to his kids and EXW. But he is certainly not acting like a wonderful man towards OP - if he is prepared to lose her over his EXW.

There may be no romantic feelings involved but he is clearly attached to another woman - his EXW - to move in with her while in a relationship with OP.

And if the OP decides to walk, will he think - so be it? Or will he think of another option?

He can have the kids live with him and hire a nanny, while EXW is being helped by her family. They have been divorced 4 years. What will the kids think - Daddy is coming back home to live with Mummy and us?

I am struggling to see this man as wonderful to OP. And it's OP we are trying to help find a solution here.

I would object to him moving in and help find a different solution. If he refuses, you know how much you mean to him. For men, it is very simple really. Look at his actions and don't project your own feelings on him.

MrsMc Yes! I have both actually!!!!!! Thanks for the lesson?!

I'm also a single parent

@MrsMcGarry

@MrsMcGarry I have several chronic illnesses I'm severely disabled, a single mother and have NO Father in the picture or any of my family. I cope!

If she can't, there are social services around for a reason! They can provide all sorts of help.

What should he do? Take the children away from their Mum because she is ill and can’t care for them on her own? Wait for them to be fostered, maybe?

I see this as all about supporting the kids.

He is taking his own children to live temporarily with him, their own father, because their mother needs to take care of herself for a bit. Nothing strange about it.

As a previous poster noted, if he were already married, no way would he abandon his wife to move in with the ex-wife. Surely, another way would be found. Same can be done here. Where there is a will, there is a way.

I'd see how it goes.

The fact he is taking responsibility for his children is a big plus in my eyes.
If things get where you don't feel like you can carry on bow out.

I don't think it's anything like a single mum unless that single mum moves back in with her ex while persueing a new relationship.

I'd. Give it a chance personally. Yes it's awkward and difficult, but if true then he's the type of partner I'd want long term - someone who steps up in tough times. Someone who would probably treat your future children in the same way as he is his current children. I'd imagine he'd rather not have all this going on! I'd give it a bit more time (but have my eyes wide open) and see how it pans out. I'd feel awful just waltzing off when he was having a tough time.

I really want the op to come back and tell us what happened when he called to talk about it properly!

HoHoHoHo He’s calling tonight when our kids are in bed. He says he’s was too snowed under at work to think about it. He did text: “I do not wish to suddenly move back in, become a family or anything like that... it is just that I am taking one for the team at the moment and that is all Xx”

I don’t feel like he’s prepared to lose me over exw, but he may be prepared to lose me over providing stability for the children. I don’t get the feeling of being prioritised over another woman, but clearly prioritised over the children, which is I suppose how it should be.

I am not sure if he plans to live there long term, or just whilst she’s in hospital for a few weeks. Either way, he will be needed more by the children in the future.

I’m just frustrated because he hasn’t been emotionally present for the past month whilst I was going through my health issues because he had some major work & financial issues hanging over his head. Both our issues resolved last week, he apologised for not being there for me, we toasted to the bad times being over, and this happened. I can understand wanting to keep the children in their home and near their mum. It just sucks for me.

From my experience with him over the past month, I don’t think he is the type of person who would be able to make space for/nurture a relationship if he has other big stuff going on, in which case I will leave. Time will tell.

Well I hope it is short term and you two are able to build a future together because he sounds like a nice, decent, caring man xx

So he’s moving in with the kids while their Mum is in hospital?

See how it pans out. One way and another he seems quite pre-occupied and over-committed.

Yes, he texted me on Monday to tell me he was moving in with the kids, not sure if he will remain there when exw comes home, but I don’t see how she will manage otherwise.

He has been preoccupied for the past month and I’ve been patient, and he is is preoccupied now (understandably), however from a purely selfish point of view, it’s a very lonely place to be. I’ve had a tough few months/year and for once it would be nice to depend on someone just for a little bit for a change. Just venting, craving comfort and a bit weary.

I’m going through an acrimonious divorce, family are abroad, am a single parent, increased my working hours due to financial constraints, on medication and therapy for anxiety/depression, and still have time/head space to contribute to and nurture a relationship.

But then the question is why you are simply not making time for yourself - it sounds like you need it.

EmyRoo I am. I see friends when I don’t have DD. Spend my evenings reading which I enjoy. Exercise and meditate when I can. Save up for treats for myself and DD. I am content, but miss having a partner.

I do understand wanting a partner, but I think a couple of things.

When you are going through an acrimonious divorce, it takes a lot of emotional energy. At the same time, you are fuelled by the acrimony - so have you genuinely mourned the end of the marriage? Have you had enough time to process that the marriage is over? Because in some ways the divorce is still a process which engages you, it is not yet life beyond that. So have you mourned the partner you have lost (even if you ended up hating him)?

That is what I mean, because it is understandable to want a partner, but you seem to have someone who cannot be, for whatever reason, really the partner you want because the issues - on your side and his - are simply too big for four months in. You are not clear of your marriage/divorce; you are still in therapy for anxiety/depression (which does not in itself mean a relationship is out of the question, of course) and he has a situation which will take him up practically and emotionally.

I don’t doubt your life is full; I question whether the wish for a partner means that you are not settling with yourself for a while to make sure you are okay.

That may well be off the mark, but after everything you have been dealing with, it all sounds too heavy, and I also think telling you by text was not the most sensitive way your BF could have handled this, so it doesn’t necessarily bode well for navigating an already difficult situation.