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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP moving in with EW

123 replies

sunshiney78 · 06/02/2018 06:52

Hello. My boyfriend’s EXW has a chronic medical condition which has deteriorated significantly over the past few months, involving multiple hospital admissions etc. She now needs help with mobility and other things. They have been divorced about 4 yrs and have primary school aged DC.

BF is planning on moving back in to the family home help with DC. Should I respectfully bow out at this point, or carry on as normal (if he still makes an effort to see me).

OP posts:

ALLIS0N · 06/02/2018 14:45

Walk away

ChaosNeverRains · 06/02/2018 15:22

Several questions:

What discussions have you two had about this and how did it come about? You said that she has been ill for some months and that he’s just decided to move in with her to help out with the kids and give them some stability etc. if he’s realistic then he must realise that this could potentially be a deal-breaker in a relationship because a relationship would become unsustainable in these circumstances. Presumably had he been single he wouldn’t have been looking for any kind of relationship while he has this arrangement so he would realise that a short term relationship is something which is also unlikely to last.

Also, how old are the kids and had you already met them? Because I would imagine that having their dad move back into the family home during this time could be potentially confusing for them even if they know the reasons why this has happened. But if you have met them this might well impact on the way they now react to you in the future, and if not this would seriously curtail any ideals of meeting them at any point in the future really probably not until at least a year after their mum has passed, on the basis this is going to be an extremely difficult time for them.

So even if she has a short-term prognosis, your relationship is realistically going to need to be on hold for years to come.

I don’t think it’s necessarily a case of dumping the bloke, but more explaining that you realise he’s not in the right place for a relationship right now.

It’s a difficult one for everyone. .

C0ldF33t · 06/02/2018 15:26

I’d bow out

MistressDeeCee · 06/02/2018 15:27

Does he work? Or is he going to be her registered carer? Either way he wouldn't have much time left to be with you. & When/how would you see him, considering he also has children? Does he still want you to be together? If so Im presuming he's outlined to you how it will all work...

MotherofaSurvivor · 06/02/2018 15:37

I'm struggling to see why he needs to actually move in? Especially if the kids are school age. is he going to be caring for his ex? Why? Just because they've had kids together doesn't mean he has to be her primary carer?

I don't see how him not visiting daily once the kids arrive home to help sort them out etc isn't enough??

I would be very suspicious about this. I would very much hope I was proven to be wrongly paranoid, but until then, I'd be extremely suspicious about this.....

TwitterQueen1 · 06/02/2018 15:40

Very very difficult for everyone OP. Like most others on here I would say walk away. 4 months is nothing really and unfortunately he's not going to be able to be particularly commited with everything else going on. Thinking about the ExW would feel, your partner, plus the children... there's such too much potential for hurt, misunderstandings, resentment and pain for all of you.

MrsMcGarry · 06/02/2018 15:46

Motherof a survivor - do you have primary aged kids? Or a severe illness? Because believe me the two do not go together.

My kids are secondary age now. I have a chronic condition which gets worse every so often. My ex-h is a dick about a lot of things, but when I'm ill he does step up and the kids go to stay with him, because they still need care - food purchasing and cooking, clothes washing etc. My kids are fab, and very independent, but I don't want them to be my primary carers with someone visiting daily to sort them out.

Original poster

sunshiney78 · 06/02/2018 16:33

Apologies for being vague, but I want to preserve EXW privacy during this horrible time for her.
She has been ill for a long time, but had a recent deterioration which means she is likely to be in and out of hospital.

This happened very recently, so BF & I have not discussed what it means for us or how it will work. He has acknowledged that it’s a lot for me to take on board and apologised for putting me in this position, but we haven’t had a chance to speak properly yet.

I have not met his children and he has not met my DC as it’s been 4 months and we decided to introduce DCs around 6 months in. They are all in primary school. My DD is 6 and I’m 39.

He works full time and plans to get a nanny.

We have only just celebrated making it through a month from hell due to a gruellingly stressful time for each of us separately (financial & health scare), congratulating each other for hanging on.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 06/02/2018 17:24

With all the men on the planet...I just couldn't be dealing with this.

It kind of shows (in my view) where he places you...because had he been living with another woman or remarried ... thus would not have been an option... he /they would have found alternatives...but I guess realistically..4 months is easy enough to let go for him.

SandyY2K · 06/02/2018 17:26

Would be interesting to see how things are going in your relationship after a few months of him moving back in.

Charismam · 06/02/2018 17:30

First response was perfect

Wherearemymarbles · 06/02/2018 18:24

You need to talk then see how it goes as sounds like emergency measures.

You might wait a lifetime to meet a man with such a strong moral compass. Its nice to know you are with someone who is prepared to stand up and be counted. He also shows respect and humanity for his ex.

You only have to read these pages, the dating threads etcto see how much dross is out there. I wouldnt let him go quite yet.

picklemepopcorn · 06/02/2018 18:58

Same here. Give him time to work out a more sustainable plan for the future. It may not be possible, but if it was then he's definitely a keeper.

DumbleDee · 06/02/2018 19:43

One of my friends moved her exh (kids Dad) back in with her and new partner when he was diagnosed with bowel cancer.

It was tough but they made it work and it strengthened the step parent relationship. I'd find it difficult but I think it depends on the circumstances

isntitapip · 06/02/2018 21:00

I'm going against the grain here, he sounds like he has wonderful qualities and I'd be holding on to him, assuming that's what he wants.
I've been divorced 4 years and I can imagine my ex helping me like that if I needed it. And vice versa. If his (lovely) girlfriend bowed out because it got complicated I'd think a lot less of her. Yes, it's only been 4 months, but if you think you e found a keeper, stick with it.

HoHoHoHo · 06/02/2018 22:58

I would walk away. Not as a punishment but as self-preservation. You dont owe him a relationship just because he's doing the right thing. Relationships are supposed to enhance your life and I don't see how this one can. At 4 months in he isn't considering your needs and feelings in his decisions which is fair enough but you need to put yourself first here.

SandyY2K · 06/02/2018 23:18

Relationships are supposed to enhance your life and I don't see how this one can.

I agree... your kind of at the bottom of his priorities.

Which considering the length of the relationship doesn't make him a bad person...just not in the best place for a relationship at the moment.

Sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time. Timing is everything.

MyKingdomForBrie · 06/02/2018 23:26

I would talk to him about what he wants. He sounds like a decent compassionate person doing the best thing he can for the mother of his children. I would be immensely proud of him and want to support him.

Terfinater · 06/02/2018 23:28

I think I would bow out too. You mention that she has help from family and there is talk of a nanny. I'd have thought it possible from him to offer support without actually moving in.

MistressDeeCee · 06/02/2018 23:31

In line with what pp's have said he may be the right man at the wrong time. But he has a heart, and for that reason I'm not sure I would walk away actually. Perhaps you could give it 6 months max see how it pans out...? In the hope you won't be too invested by then of course in case it goes wrong..but another 6 months would still amount to you being with him for less than a year anyway.

Orlandointhewilderness · 06/02/2018 23:36

see how it pans out. decent, good men are out there and he sounds like a very decent one.

S0upertrooper · 06/02/2018 23:47

What a sad situation, but your partner sounds like a lovely man. When I was younger i'd have said walk away but now i'm a bit long in the tooth i'd suggest talking the situation through with him. Is there a carers organisation that could perhaps help you talk this through together and negotiate a way forward. Maybe you will come to the realisation that its not what you want (and that's ok) but if you thought there was a future for you before the situation with his ex arose, i'd consider exploring yours and his feelings before calling it a day. Good luck to all involved.

Original poster

sunshiney78 · 07/02/2018 07:14

Thank you all. Here is an email exchange between us last night. Very brief from him, but he said he’d call me to speak properly later:

*Yes that’s what I want x

Sent from my iPhone

On 7 Feb 2018, at 01:06, wrote:

Hi honey

I respect and admire you for doing the right thing and I wouldn’t want it any other way for the kids. I don’t mean to detract from what you, X and the kids are going through, but it seems like you and I have a tough road ahead of us.

I would like to help you and support you through this, if you want me to, BUT I need to know now what your End game is, because if it’s different from mine, then we don’t have to suffer through this. If it is, then we need to figure out how it will work and work as team to make it work.

I want a proper relationship with someone, despite what’s going on in each of our lives; to share our lives together, with the goal of creating a home together. I’m not asking if you want this with me specifically, that’s why we’re dating, to find out if we’re that person for each other. But I’m asking if that’s what you are looking for with someone?
x*

OP posts:

Winosaurus · 07/02/2018 07:32

I suppose it depends on several things

how long is it for? indefinitely? If that’s the case how will you ever progress your relationship?
if she is so ill that he needs to live there is he able to spend the night with you? Surely if she’s that ill he can’t leave overnight but you can hardly go and stay at their house either
is she likely to die from this illness? If that’s the case I would step away now as his children will have to become his one and only focus if they’re grieving and having dad’s gf around would be awful
if she is going to recover, is she likely to relapse again in the future? If she does will he potentially move out of a home he could be sharing with you and back in with her at any point?
if she recovers and he moves back out then please consider how his kids will view him then moving on with you. To them it may seem as if Mum and dad are back together, and when dad leaves again it can be perceived he left their Mum for you... and do you really want the resentment and anger directed at you?

Honestly... I would respectfully back off now. It’s hard enough trying to date a man with kids anyway but the lines are so blurred here you’re just setting yourself up for heartbreak.
You are not priority, the pecking order here is kids, ExW, then you.
I can deal with my DP putting his kids first but I would need to be the main woman in his life.

S0upertrooper · 07/02/2018 07:41

Sunshiney78 wishing you lots of luck and happiness for the future whatever you decide. I’d maybe delete your email from the thread just in case a scumbag journo decides it’s got a place in the red tops.

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