DP moving in with EW

[sunshiney78]

Hello. My boyfriend’s EXW has a chronic medical condition which has deteriorated significantly over the past few months, involving multiple hospital admissions etc. She now needs help with mobility and other things. They have been divorced about 4 yrs and have primary school aged DC.

BF is planning on moving back in to the family home help with DC. Should I respectfully bow out at this point, or carry on as normal (if he still makes an effort to see me).

tough one OP - if i were you i would bow out and leave them to deal with whatever comes their way. At the moment he sounds like his priority is the kids and helping the exw which is very very noble. What you want from this relationship he cannot provide and thats not what you want. Sorry OP - but its time to move on with the greatest respect.

It sounds a little bit as though you're expecting a good deal of commitment for a relatively new relationship.

sunshiney, I have to admit, I cringed a bit at the e-mail you wrote. It's very kind - but it's extremely full-on. I think you were looking for somebody nice and this man ticks the boxes but quite honestly, if you were the one for him, he would be looking at all his options now to take care of his children without 'leaving' you.

He's not doing that. He's moving back to his old home and regardless of where his thoughts are for his ex-wife, they're really not with you to the same degree that yours are for him.

If you want to stick around - and every post you've written says that you do - despite nearly every poster telling you to cut your losses and back away - then you'll be doing that on the 'never, never'.

You said that you'd be happy to bring up his children (which I thought was a bit preposterous only four-months into the relationship) but he's not giving you that option. It's not in his mind for you to do that and respectfully, I think you will need to back away and take your place in the background if you insist on hanging on.

I really wish you well but, I don't think you're acting in your best interests here and you're lining yourself up to get badly hurt. To negate the effects of that, use your extra free time to make a life for yourself so that if (when) the end comes, you won't be completely devastated having put your life on hold for this man.

Do you have friends you could talk this through with? I'm sure they would rally to distract you and keep you from completely obsessing over this relegated relationship. I'm deeply sorry for you.

I see that you do have friends, sunshiney. They're just not cutting it for you though, are they? You want this man come hell or high water. :)

that was meant to be :(

I’m currently in a similar situation except I’m the EXW. I am severely disabled and unfortunately it’s progressive. I have 3 wonderful children aged 14,12,10.

My EXH and I separated 7 years ago but as my illness deteriorated I realised that I could no longer live on my own with my children. We took the huge decision to live together again purely for the best interests of the children.

They didn’t want to leave me alone to spend him at his and we didn’t want to put the DC through any unnecessary trauma.

It’s not always plain sailing but EXH is like a brother to me and the DC are doing really well. EXH has had a few relationships during this but none have lasted. His attitude is that if they can’t understand the situation then it’s not the right relationship for him. The DC (mainly DD) keeps looking at OLD profiles for him 😂.

Yes we have a Strange set up but I’m really grateful that I can still spend what’s left of my life with DC and would be most welcoming to any new DP for EXH.

If you can manage to give it a few more months to see how things work out then do so. If you think he maybe the one then set yourself a date to reconsider the situation.

But if you are doubting the relationship already then don’t be afraid to take time out.

Be true to your gut but remember to be kind to yourself and don’t pressure yourself to make a decision your not ready for.

Look, sorry, you have been seeing this man for 4 months; he has a very difficult situation to deal with and you are basically whining and pestering for attention. That email sounds desperate rather than kind and understanding. The last thing he needs to be bothering about is his newish girlfriend going 'But what about meeeeeeeee?' You want more than any decent person in his position can give you. Walk away. There are plenty of other men out there, and you don't, really, know if this man is The One For You after such a short time, much of which has involved him worrying about his DC and their mum anyway.

I agree with LyingWitch. You’re looking for assurances that he’s unable to give. In a relationship that’s 4 months old. You do sound as though you want a very full on relationship and it’s not actually what he needs or is able to give. And you don’t need the rejection. You sound quite vulnerable and I’m sure you’ve had your fair share of rejection for a lifetime. Please read what 1disney wrote. This will be your reality and so much more. And yes, his ex and his children do absolutely come first. From what I’ve read in your posts, that’s something you’ve yet to come to terms with. Despite saying to the contrary in your email.

1disney . I’m chronically ill and my illness is extremely disabling. Idk what I’d do without my dh. Your ex and your children sound lovely and amazing.

Gosh, I didn't mean for that email to be whiny & pestering for attention. And I probably wouldn’t have sent it if I didn’t feel quite as neglected over the past month when we both had stuff going on. (was a bit annoyed that I was admitted for a procedure under anaesthetic, amongst other things, and he didn’t ask if I had anyone to take me home) I suppose I was laying my cards in the table and asking for direction, one way or another. I know he has more important things to deal with right now, but some acknowledgement would be nice.
In my defence, he did lovebomb me big time at the start, talking about moving to near where I live, meeting DC, taking me to meet his mum, joining me on holiday in Easter, lots of contact initially, saying he loves me, so I kind of assumed that’s where we were/how committed he was. All of the above petered out over the past couple of months although he swears blind he feels the same.
His defence is that when there’s a problem, he goes into a tunnel and is unable to focus on anything else.
Apart from email, I have only focused on supporting him these past few days, getting him info about his exw prognosis/treatment, offering to send food to the house, advising him on his DC’s minor illness. Anyway, he didn’t call this evening, I just got a Goodnight text, so that’s my cue, I’ll leave him to it.

Idk if you saw my post before replying. I really think you’re making the right decision for you. You are looking for a man, who can give his whole self, not just a few crumbs. Try being on your own for a while and just love you, I know it will be hard. Then in your next relationship, take it slowly even if the new guy wants to take it fast.

I think it's a bit unfair to call the op whiney. She just wants to know where she stands. It's not unreasonable given the circumstances. She's not obliged to put her partner's ex before herself.

How is he a 'partner'? You've only be seeing him 4 months! He's got a lot of baggage, he's not in a place to have a committed relationship and you need more than he can give. Walk away.

sunshiney, you really don't need a 'defence' here, every poster is on your side.

Mummyoflittledragon has said that you sound vulnerable - and you really do. You come across to me as rushing around in this relationship, desperate to show this man that you are capable of helping and being useful (looking up medical stuff - I can't tell you how annoying that is, my mother does it to me), and all of this time you're waiting for him to show appreciation to you for all this 'stuff' you're doing. It's not going to come now.

I believe that the truth is that men particularly like to find out quickly if they've found 'the one' and that's where the lovebombing comes from. You said that he started backing away TWO months ago. That's 2 months out of the only FOUR that you've been together. Please look at what he's doing and not saying to you and think about how that's making you feel. You're missing those words keenly because you believe they should be there. And they would be, if he were serious about you.

For your dignity's sake - and your feelings - immediately step right back and start distancing yourself. Your last post really does lay it all open about how you're trying to assure yourself that all is well when it isn't, not really. You're important here, treat yourself as such.

What would we think of a man who declined a relationship with a single mother because she had prime f/t childcare responsibilities? And a load of men were suggesting he 'drop it'?

If she was a single mum who, alongside her responsibility to DC, was moving back in with her XH to be his f/t carer, I'd agree with them that he should bow out.

I probably wouldn’t have sent it if I didn’t feel quite as neglected over the past month
So you've felt neglected by him for at least 25% of the short time you've known him. He's written you cheques with his heart which he's in no position to cash. Walk away with your dignity, OP

I think your last post says it all too - the writing was on the wall before all this. You had a medical procedure and he didn't show a standard amount of interest.

A few months in, when you're both all over each other, no matter how busy, if it was going somewhere, he would have been there. Sometimes, shit happens and it stops you being 'all in' the relationship as it obviously has with him but if this happens at the beginning how do you get back on track? Back on track to what?

I think you've both missed the boat on this one and if I were him, if you cling on to it too much it'd be really off-putting. Walk away but not with a dramatic announcement hoping he'll fight for it.

His defence is that when there’s a problem, he goes into a tunnel and is unable to focus on anything else

So when he has a problem, you're on the back burner. Not good. It's actually a rude and insular thing to say. At least it's just 4 months and that's no time at all so hopefully you aren't over- invested.

You're not whiney at all...but considering he didn't ask about how you'd get home following the hospital procedure...that says a lot.

Minus his current situation and moving in with his Ex...him going into a tunnel isn't what you need.

For anyone who could be a partner to a man living their Ex...good luck to them...but unless he's the last man on earth ...I see absolutely no strong enough reason to be part of the triad.

Could he not have the children live with him. The more stability they can get now will make the loss of their mother a little less harder.

In all honesty, it sounds like neither of you are really in the right place for a new relationship right now. He's busy with work and now has a major claim on his evenings/weekends from his DC, whose DM is seriously ill. And you're going through an acrimonious divorce and have had your own health woes. By all means either end it now or see how it goes, but you both sound very, very preoccupied with your own issues, which is hardly the best place to be in while testing the waters of a new relationship.

4 years after we separated I can't imagine my ex moving back in with me no matter how I'll I'd got. I may have moved in with relatives or if no relatives the kid would have lived with him more.
The fact that he had little time for you for the past month and now has chosen to move in with his ex makes him sound not that in to you. If you really like him and are happy with an emotionally unavailable man for a few months whilst you have an arms length relationship and immerse yourself in other things it may work but as a divorcee it sounds odd to me.

You lose nothing by just waiting, He already has enough on his plate, without being "dumped".
Just let it run its natural course, and maybe once he gets into a rythm with the children you may have more time together.
He's a good person and you need to look at the long term.

Yes, I agree that you're going into overkill. You can't "look up" information about an individual patient's treatment and prognosis. Those things vary so much. Calm down a bit.

A man that "goes into a tunnel" every time the pressure is on doesn't sound great, TBH, and it's early days of dating by the sounds of things.

However, if you want to give things a shot, back off and wait for a few weeks. Moving in with the DC for the duration of a hospital stay is not "moving in with the EXW". You're ramping everything up.

Just to clarify, he was panicking about diagnosis, prognosis and the potential hereditary nature of the disease and asked me for my professional opinion and what, if anything he needed to prepare for (I’m medical).