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Relationships

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Original poster

DP moving in with EW

123 replies

sunshiney78 · 06/02/2018 06:52

Hello. My boyfriend’s EXW has a chronic medical condition which has deteriorated significantly over the past few months, involving multiple hospital admissions etc. She now needs help with mobility and other things. They have been divorced about 4 yrs and have primary school aged DC.

BF is planning on moving back in to the family home help with DC. Should I respectfully bow out at this point, or carry on as normal (if he still makes an effort to see me).

OP posts:

Original poster

sunshiney78 · 06/02/2018 07:41

I do respect him for what he’s doing and wouldn’t want it any other way for his DC, what I meant by “should I have to accept this”, is should I sit it out. I am divorced with 1 DC. Am looking to make a home with someone eventually.

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 06/02/2018 07:50

I would imagine this is a temporary situation and I would like a man a lot more who did that. Whether or not you want the hassle when your relationship is so young depends on your strength of feelings for each other and whats going to happen with his ex and the children. Is she going to survive, likely to get better, are the kids going to live with him ultimately (so if you want to live together, you'll be bringing his kids up too) .

expatinscotland · 06/02/2018 08:00

Time to move on.

Imverypleasedtomeetyou · 06/02/2018 08:04

For me it would also depend. Is her illness life limiting/terminal?

This may sound harsh but if she's been told she has limited time left then I would stay in relationship and see how it goes and by that I mean how your relationship continues/changes with DP. I would set a timeframe (for my sanity) of probably six months and review after that. If your relationship is suffering/deteriorating then I would bow out.

If her relationship isn't life limiting then i would bow out now. He can still support her and be there for his children without moving back in.

Justmuddlingalong · 06/02/2018 08:10

You need to give him the freedom to do what's best for his kids. Right now that might not be such a big deal, but in the long term you might start to resent the impact it has on your relationship. Sadly, I would wish him all the best and walk away, giving you the opportunity to meet someone else.

Finola1step · 06/02/2018 08:12

How old are his dc?

TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally · 06/02/2018 08:14

Be careful of banking on a 'life limiting illness' bringing the situation to a close (to be blunt). I have a relative who was given 12-18 months to live...a decade ago. He hasn't recovered - in fact he's got worse and worse - but he's still alive, still at home and still needing 24/7 round the clock care. It's a terrible situation as he has no quality of life at all. But it's his wife I feel badly for. She has no life of her own anymore as he can't be left alone. She gets little by the way of respite and he refuses to go into a home - and the council won't do anything that he doesn't want because he still has full mental capacity.

Anyway, that's a rather long winded way of saying that this situation could go on for years - and if it does, where does that leave you? How are you supposed to see each other? Go on holiday together? Live together? Have kids together? In your shoes I'd walk away.

YearOfYouRemember · 06/02/2018 08:14

I'd leave him but for his sake not yours. There is no mention of how you feel he's being a decent dad and compassionate person in helping his ex wife.

0ccamsRazor · 06/02/2018 08:19

Bow out now to free him up to look after his dc and xw and to give you a chance to find happiness with someone else who is in a position to put you first.

A clean break at this point will be much easier to heal from.

So sorry Op

TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally · 06/02/2018 08:22

Bit harsh Year - a massive assumption about someone you don't know. Just because she's not mentioned it doesn't mean that she doesn't feel it.

The point of MN is that it's an anonymous forum where you can be honest about your feelings and cut to the chase with your question, rather than having to fill in the socially acceptable gaps.

Schlimbesserung · 06/02/2018 08:27

I would bow out. I'd hate it, but there is too much going on for him to successfully manage it all. He is clearly trying to do the right thing, but in such a short relationship I don't think you owe him the kind of support you would need to give him (while receiving nothing in return because he would be totally drained). You also have to think about any impact this would have on your own child (maybe none, but a lot depends on how stressed and unhappy the situation makes you).

I also agree that the situation could go on for years, and him being on hand could make it less likely that more formal support will be put in place. Social care budgets are stretched everywhere and when there is already a live-in carer it can be hard for them to get additional support even when it is clearly needed.

Curtainshopping · 06/02/2018 08:27

If you stay together, how will you see each other? Will he be able to get away in the evenings/overnight, for example?

Do the ex and the children know you exist? Is she likely to be jealous or difficult or is everything amicable between them?

Original poster

sunshiney78 · 06/02/2018 08:50

Year I did say that I respect him for what he’s doing and wouldn’t want it any other way for his DC.

She is unlikely to get better sadly. I would be happy to raise his children. I think his focus is on being there for his chikdren/childcare rather than being the primary carer to his exw. Her family will be around to look after the kids on the evenings when he comes over to mine.

I guess I could just see how it pans out over the next couple of months and see whether we’re able to have a reasonably fulfilling relationship under the circumstances. He may also turn around and say that he’s not able to.

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 06/02/2018 08:51

Another vote for 'wish him well and walk away'. He's doing the right thing, and it's tough for him, but it's not really your problem or your business after only four months. If you try to keep the relationship going you will end up feeling bitter and resentful and jealous at how little time he has for you (having feelings like that isn't unreasonable - you matter too and you probably don't know the XW so there is no particular need for you to have any feelings about her.) And having to consider you and your wishes is likely to be an extra strain for him. It's a difficult situation to be in but, really, the only way that will be right for you is to walk away.

IndigoMoonFlower · 06/02/2018 08:52

Tbh Idk why he hasn't gone for custody, but then he would have to give up work I suppose. I think what he's doing is admirable and the best thing he can do for his kids, but he also needs respite away from the situation if your relationship is to flourish.
I could totally understand if he lived there from monday to friday to help with kids, if she had someone else to help at weekend, say a Grandparent.
This all depends on how much time he makes for you. He should potentially have every evening free for dates once the kids are in bed, if it's only the kids he's there for.

Yellowshadeofgreen · 06/02/2018 08:57

Both he and you sound like fantastic people. It is a shame it is not going to work out but it does sound doomed. I would bow out, if the timeline is short you are unlikely to meet someone else in that short time so you might be able to rekindle something after but you won’t have tied yourself in knots in the meantime.

mirandasings · 06/02/2018 09:03

It will be hard but it sounds like it's worth fighting for so I wouldn't give up just yet. You're willing to help bring up his kids if needs be (amazing) You both sound lovely. Give it a go.

RavenLG · 06/02/2018 09:58

Another vote for bowing out too.
Even if you do carry on for a few months, what happens when/if his wife sadly passes away? It could change his whole outlook on life, what he wants, his kids etc? There is nothing wrong with staying in touch and being supportive and friends but I think a relationship is the last thing he needs right now.

ferrier · 06/02/2018 10:16

I think that's exactly what you should do. Live it for a while and see if it works for you and for him.

SandyY2K · 06/02/2018 11:12

I'd much prefer that his DC spent more time with him...as a way to support and ease pressure on his Ex...instead of him moving in...although I realise that means they won't see their mum as much. It's a tough one...but I couldn't be in a relationship where I can't visit my BF.

I'd walk. 4 months isn't a heavy investment.

therealposieparker · 06/02/2018 11:13

He sounds like a throughly decent bloke, but this is not the time to be part of his life. I hope this all resolves quickly for you.

Godowneasy · 06/02/2018 11:45

What an incredibly sad situation- for him, and his ex and the children, and for you too to some extent, as you obviously like him.
My initial thought was to bow out now, but on reflection I think you should talk to him to see what he thinks about continuing to see each other. Depending on what he says, I might, in your shoes, be tempted to stay around for a while to see how it pans out. You would need to be very supportive of him though as he's in an extremely difficult and wearing situation, and you'd need to be prepared to put his and his children's needs before your own for a good while. Perhaps it may be best to think about him more as a friend than a partner at this stage, and leave the future to take care of itself in due course.

EmyRoo · 06/02/2018 12:30

For those of you who are saying why has he not gone for custody/more time - can you imagine how it would feel to have a life-limiting illness, when you are the primary carer, and your xH file for custody? Don’t you think the DC would miss/want to spend time with their mum? She is not mobile, she needs support with the DC, she does not need them taken away from her, and they don’t need to be taken away. That would make an already difficult situation worse.

To the OP, I would probably concentrate on my own life and DC, whilst leaving the door open to see what happens. He sounds like a good man and not all men are. There is no rush to move in and blend families surely?

SecretSantaaaaaa · 06/02/2018 12:47

Such a shame that he will be punished (dumped) for doing a stand up thing and caring for his family.

SandyY2K · 06/02/2018 14:41

It's not a case of being punished. I just would not have a BF whose home I cannot visit.

I'd be rather embarrassed to say he's living with his Ex to any of my friends and family.

There's no way of encourage a DD of mine to stay in a relationship like this....way too much baggage tbh.

This could go on for years.

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