Did you go to boarding school? Come and talk to me

[OhGood]

I went to boarding school from 7, as did my brother from 5.

My DD and DS are now at these exact ages and I am suddenly being sideswiped by my feelings about this. I keep remembering how unhappy I was, and how hard I had to try to suppress my feelings when I was little, and I have a dawning awareness of how this unhappiness has probably impacted me for all of my life.

I can see how much my DCs need me and DH still, and I can't square this with being sent off to a very strict, old-fashioned school - no contact with parents except weekly letters, and only allowed out 1 weekend a month, etc. Slightly embarrassed about the strength of my emotions.

If you had a similar experience, I would love to know what you think, and how you're feeling about it now.

If you've had these feelings and resolved them, how did you do it? I don't want to wallow in this, but I feel I must do something to work through it.

@Taffeta so you don't want to hear from people like me who had very positive experiences about boarding? And who then go on to send their own kids there?

Just those who had an unhappy time then?

Invisible - not at all I didn’t say that

I said I felt this thread was for people that have boarded themselves

Not people who haven’t who decide to send their kids away

Greensleeves I was so sorry to read your post. I think my XH would say the same of his time at boarding school, sadly.

Inseoir and Haffdonga: I completely understand why you might ask this. Of the five DC, DC4 is the only boarder. All the others went to/are at day schools. DC4 was absolutely determined he was going to get a scholarship, and he did (couldn't possibly have gone without it). If any of the others had bagged scholarships (and had wanted to go), I would have been delighted.

I was joking, really, about not being able to do without DC5. I say this only because she is my last baby! In fact, I'm sorry she isn't boarding, really, as she would love it - but it was not to be.

Although I sound like the thread police and I don’t mean to

Of course it’s a public forum and people can say whatever they like

I was just trying to get across that I felt this was a safe space - how much I valued it, and it’d be a shame if it derailed into a generic thread about the pros and cons of boarding

I believe all the people in this thread who has positive experiences as boarders really did, and I am glad for them and their opinion is just as valid as others who boarded. Some of us didn’t though and are getting some solace from sharing our experiences.
If anyone asks me in a general context if I think boarding is a good idea , I would answer ‘it depends on why you are there’

Inseoir, going to boarding school doesn't mean you have no contact with your parents! The terms are actually quite short really and in general kids are back home with paremts for the odd weekend, 3 midterms, Easter, Christmas, a few months in summer. Parents also sometimes visit and call on the phone regularly. They are involved in any 'incidents' that happen. Are involved in all discussions about academic choices etc. Still go on holidays together.

I'm talking about parents that WANT to be involved. Ones that don't get involved, well that's not a problem with the boarding school is it. In my experience parents are still the primary caregivers and influencers of their kids regardless of boarding school.

Disfunctional families will have a very different experience. And people who went to bad boarding schools, again good, involved, warm parents wouldn't send their kids to a bad boarding school.

I know it's not a case of no contact. But when I was a teen I saw my parents a lot more than the odd weekend and holidays - I saw them every single day and more importantly they saw me, to check how I was doing in a way that only parents can.

Most kids in normal families get a hug and a kiss and a general emotional check-in with an adult who loves them, every night before they go to bed. Kids at boarding school don't. They learn to be happy without it. And that is not healthy, and however happy and successful they seem, many of them will pay for it later.

I'm with Greensleeves and Insesoir. The trivialities of life are what really bind people together, the silly fits of giggles over something ridiculous, the spontaneous debates about something or nothing... those are the things which make the difference and provide the glue IMO. And the daily love, and knowing that you have a totally safe place to be where everyone is effectively on your side even if you do have a row about who clears the table.

I also agree that this is a safe thread for those who boarded and found it damaging - hearing that it's all wonderful for everyone else and their super well-adjusted children isnt that helpful really in this context.

Most kids in normal families get a hug and a kiss and a general emotional check-in with an adult who loves them, every night before they go to bed. Kids at boarding school don't. They learn to be happy without it. And that is not healthy, and however happy and successful they seem, many of them will pay for it later

This.

I think there's a huge difference between a teenager who is likely to be able to express their views and whose parents are living in the same country and who are there for exeat weekends, half terms, match days, phone calls, emails, FaceTime etc than say a child who is 7 or younger going off to board, and even more so if their parents live in a different country.

Please understand Justanotherzombie that the kind of contact you are referring to was just not an option say 25 years ago! You couldn't just phone your parents, email them - contact was by letter.

And Greensleeves has made such a valid point - when you're at boarding school you don't get that hug and goodnight kiss. You learn to live with it, accept it and get on with it and it is just not healthy. I bet you'd give your dog a pat and a biscuit before bed!

And this thread should be a safe place - a place of solace - for those who've had unhappy memories at school to offload and take some kind of comfort that it wasn't just them.

greensleeves I did the pillow thing too, I had forgotten but you made me remember. so sad for all of us.

Really yolofish, I never "met" anyone who said they had done the same thing...I wonder how many do

It shouldn't be news that children need love and affection every day, should it?

My Dad was sent to boarding school at a young age (now in his 70s), and it has had such a negative impact on him. It shaped who he is as a person, a husband and a Dad. He has had counselling for 'boarding school survivors', but it didn't really help, as it was probably too late for him. I hate seeing what being sent to boarding school has done to him.

I did the pillow thing! I would hug it by my side and I hate to admit but I still sleep with a small soft cushion against my tummy - wherever I go I find something.

I was also a thumb sucker at night and I used to stroke the corner of my pillowcase with my other hand to get me to sleep - I always remember the corners being very soft and I would always check my clean pillow case - left with the sheets on the end of the bed for us to make in the hope that my new one would have comforting corners! It's just odd!

Does anyone remember "sides up" on the beds - so that the wooden floor boards could be swept clean - and splinters in your feet!? And those awful strip washes!

I didn’t do the pillow thing but I filled my bed with soft toys about 10. My house mistress (who was a sadistic bitch) new that I needed them and as punishment confiscated every single one of them. I was eventually aloud one teddy (I’d had since I was a babe) after I didn’t sleep and sobbed so much I annoyed the other girls. I just cried silently after that.

I also think parents of boarders who have not boarded themselves are unhelpful. I mean no disrespect but you can not fully know your child is happy and thriving.
My parents believe I was happy even though I wrapped myself round the banisters not to return and they would swear my outward confidence independence and success now is down to my school. It might well be but I feel like a giant fraud.

Tiru, I was in boarding school exactly 25 yrs ago! But if you are certain the damage was from going to boarding school and not from detached parenting that's simply different to my opinion. I had all the good positive family experiences you talk about with my parents. They did and continue to do a great job of supporting me emotionally. Boarding school had zero impact on that. I will say however if I'd been unhappy at school or if they'd found any of the discipline or operations of the school in any way off, they'd have had me out of there in a heartbeat. So again I can't help thinking the bad boarding school experiences in this thread are actually down to parenting again.

Thanks for your earlier answer to my question Assetrich . Your ds sounds like an amazing young man.

I think it's good to hear all points of view about boarding including from people who boarded happily and have sent their own dcs on to board. It helps me to appreciate the mindset of my own parents when they sent me and it really is great to hear that things have changed so much in schools nowadays. I do think though that people who haven't experienced being a boarder themselves will probably never be able to 'get' the feelings that some of us are describing here and parents of boarders who didn't board themselves would do well to read some of these comments .

@Justanotherzombie So much pop psychology going on here. I don't think boarding school is the problem. I think it's the home life and parents that resulted in boarding that's probably the issue.

I find this quite derogatory actually. You have single-handedly dismissed every statement by posters here who were unhappy boarders by blaming their home life rather than giving any credence to the actual things they say. I've read no pop psychology here because people have spoken honestly about their own experiences and their own feelings rather than analyse other people's except you. There's a cross section of opinions here but the fact that so many of us have found so much in common, it seems a bit of a dick move to dismiss everything anyone has said.

And for the record, I can assure you my parents were loving parents and had a happy relationship. My home life was pretty happy and normal. They sent me to board because they thought they were doing the very best thing they could do for me not because they we had a fucked up home life.

or maybe zombie it was a different era, women were pretty much dictated to by their husbands in many cases, boarding was accepted as normal among a certain class. For my DM it would have been unthinkable not to 'follow the flag' when DF was posted - that was just what you did. Men were all powerful, the breadwinner etc.

My parents weren't detached or 'bad' they just did what they knew from their own childhood experiences and the societal expectations of what peple in their class did.

I do rather resent those who loved it/believe their children love it gatecrashing a support thread I'm afraid - go start your own about how marvellous it was/is to get your opinions reinforced!

Do you mind me asking what age you started boarding Justanotherzombie? And were your parents abroad?

From my experience it was not down to parenting but boarding. My parents were and still are loving and supportive. But when you are 7 years old and you do not see them from the start of term to the end. how can you articulate to them that you are unhappy?

And 25 years ago corporal punishment existed. After I was beaten by the headmaster he told me he was going to write and tell my parents. Of course he didn't and when I went to visit them in the holidays I didn't tell them what I had done - because I was made to feel bad, guilty and punishable.

It was only about 10 years ago that I told them what had happened. They were very upset, naturally.

That bastard tiru, what sort of man beats up a little girl like that

I will never forget it Greensleeves - he told me I had to be punished and I had to be brave. Asked me to bend over, pulled up my dress and whacked me 3 times with a hard soled gym shoe - one of his no doubt. I realise now the only reason he told me to hold on to the furniture was to prevent me from flying across the room. My punishment was for running away and I felt deeply ashamed and upset for days afterwards. And I couldn't talk to anyone about it.

I boarded from 9-18. When I'm asked if I would send my children, the answer is no way. Although at the time, and outwardly, I seemed happy enough at the time. Some posters have put their finger on it. The staff really didn't care. Weekly letters home were read by the housemistress first so how could any emotions be articulated honestly? I have a group of friends who I boarded with who are like sisters and I am so grateful to have them but I am still realising and coming to terms with how fucked up it was! This was in the 90s-00s so not even that long ago really. Thank you for starting this thread.