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Original poster

Did you go to boarding school? Come and talk to me

481 replies

OhGood · 05/02/2018 11:38

I went to boarding school from 7, as did my brother from 5.

My DD and DS are now at these exact ages and I am suddenly being sideswiped by my feelings about this. I keep remembering how unhappy I was, and how hard I had to try to suppress my feelings when I was little, and I have a dawning awareness of how this unhappiness has probably impacted me for all of my life.

I can see how much my DCs need me and DH still, and I can't square this with being sent off to a very strict, old-fashioned school - no contact with parents except weekly letters, and only allowed out 1 weekend a month, etc. Slightly embarrassed about the strength of my emotions.

If you had a similar experience, I would love to know what you think, and how you're feeling about it now.

If you've had these feelings and resolved them, how did you do it? I don't want to wallow in this, but I feel I must do something to work through it.

OP posts:
Taffeta · 13/02/2018 18:48

My family had a very traumatic experience just as I was taking my common entrance which resulted in separation from my parents before I boarded.

It also caused a falling out with my best friend who I had been so excited to board with, which meant I started at boarding school just as my whole world had gone tits up.

I should never have gone, despite plans otherwise. But with parents that were not well, crises in business, deaths in the family there was no other option.

I don’t blame boarding school for all of this, I know from age 10-16 there was enormous upheaval and trauma and that boarding school formed only a part of that. When I reflect though- which I do rarely - the most upsetting moments are ones that happened at boarding school. The aching longing for love, warmth, security that was never sated. I remember regular feelings of shame, panic, humiliation and fear.

But I never discuss it IRL. You mention boarding school and people just see privilege.

Original poster
OhGood · 13/02/2018 18:54

greensleeves I'm so sorry. That's so tough.

I remember once waking up in Dorm 4 - so I would have been in school for at least 3 years by then - and seeing a friend who had a dressing gown very similar to my mum's. Half awake, I must have thought for a moment that it was my mum, and I started crying uncontrollably. It just all came out and out and I couldn't stop - but luckily my friend twigged what was happening, and hid me, and told the other kids I was sick. Which gave me a moment to gather those emotions and bottle them up good and tight again.

OP posts:
tiru18 · 13/02/2018 18:55

Sorry to hear that Taffeta, that must have been tough just before Common Entrance. And yes Taffeta, when you mention boarding school people do just assume privilege and I find it easier not to discuss it IRL too. I believed I was lucky, I was well aware of the sacrifices my parents had made to do what they believed was the best for me.

Blarblarblar · 13/02/2018 18:56

That’s terrible tiro I’m sorry that happened to you.

Original poster
OhGood · 13/02/2018 18:57

I've never told my parents that.

You don't tell because you don't want to upset them, and because they kind of have no choice but to praise you for 'being brave' and 'good' and 'a big girl' and going back to school with your chin up. And because after a while stuff that happens at school just doesn't concern them. They have their life, you have yours. And you get so brilliant at hiding emotion that you don't leave clues.

OP posts:
Blarblarblar · 13/02/2018 18:59

taffeta that’s it’s though. Teenage years are traumatic to have no safety no love can’t not be damaging

yolofish · 13/02/2018 19:01

oh yes, "brave, good girl, big girl, chin up, see you in 5 weeks".... and the end result is that you learn to do those things and you dont have the same relationship with your parents. I compare my relationship with my and DH's DP, and mine and DH's with our DDs, there is absolutely no comparison - and I know which is better.

tiru18 · 13/02/2018 19:01

We were told not to cry or get upset as it would upset everyone else. So yes, we got very good at hiding our emotions just as you say OhGood. And after a while that become natural - you don't even have to try.

yolofish · 13/02/2018 19:05

Oh no, you can't say you're sad, or lonely because all the other girls will feel the same way too. Chin up, let's have a lovely hot chocolate then you'll feel better. Except you don't.

And the other girls have already learnt not to be sad or lonely because it upsets other people too.

On the positive side I suppose, I've been an excellent bullshitter all my life. And as my brother says: the best thing boarding school teaches you is how to lie.

Original poster
OhGood · 13/02/2018 19:06

Well yolo actually I guess it depends - I would rather have my relationship with my DM than have DH's relationship with his mother, who is a nightmare!

So glad you're all still here.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 13/02/2018 19:08

I did a brief stint as a "boarding assistant" at a very well-known girls' boarding school in the late 90s. It's got a fabulous reputation and has often been recommended on MN. I was in the Y7 house. I regularly had kids sobbing inconsolably in the middle of the night. One child told me her parents had promised her a present if she got through the first term without "making a fuss". Another little girl spent an hour on the phone to her mother after the mandatory two weeks of no phone contact, screaming that she felt like she was being murdered inside and please, please, could she come home. The school's policy was to jolly them along, give a brief side-hug if absolutely necessary, they will get used to it. I left after three months. I didn't want to watch them "get used to it".

Taffeta · 13/02/2018 19:10

Greensleeves - that makes me so very sad

Taffeta · 13/02/2018 19:13

Is it like breaking in horses?

Break the spirit Sad

I feel like I’ve had secrets my whole life. That I’m not a proper person, I don’t fit in anywhere

But anyone that meets me or “knows” me, including my parents, thinks I’m strong, capable & resilient

Greensleeves · 13/02/2018 19:16

Those little girls were from families who had always sent their children to boarding school, their parents had been etc - it was the norm for them. It didn't matter how desperately miserable they were, they were up against a solid wall of culture and tradition, they had no choice but to get used to it. They will probably send their own children to boarding school and tell everyone it was the making of them.

Blarblarblar · 13/02/2018 19:19

It’s so fucking tragic. Exactly like breaking horses taffeta.

WindyWednesday · 13/02/2018 19:22

I was a boarder 28 years ago,

I hadn’t considered that it was damaging because it was normal. It yes, the housemistress were cruel spinsters who seemed to enjoy punishing us and never showed us kindness or love.

I do wonder how my DM sent me to a place where she knew the adult in charge was a drunk who was unconscious by 8pm. What would have happened in the case of a fire? We would have got ourselves out. We knew how to escape, they taught us that, we practiced fire drills in the night.

The dorms were long corridors with beds all around, no privacy. Beds and uniforms inspected each morning. Nothing allowed under the bed or on the bed or on top of the lockers. (Bedside tables) all put away in the day. We couldn’t return to the boarding house until after school hours. No love, no care.

Maybe that’s why I’m so over protective of my own Dc.

yolofish · 13/02/2018 19:22

I cant even remember that NOT boarding would be a possibility for secondary, it was just expected that was what one did.

DB went at 8 to a ghastly prep on the south coast, chosen because one of his uncles had been there. He then went to an equally ghastly (and also recommended school) in Kent where he used to run away on a regular basis, went pubbing and took drugs. I am 6 years younger, but I remember missing him so much throughout all our school years. How we are so close now I have no idea, but I guess I was lucky not to go until 10. Still wondering how they took the animals from posting to posting, including overseas, and not us kids!!

WindyWednesday · 13/02/2018 19:24

I remember being told I was going to board, it will be like the Malory towers books, yippee I thought. Midnight swims and pranks on the French teacher.

It wasn’t like Malory towers.

Greensleeves · 13/02/2018 19:28

Not like Malory Towers, and today's kids will be finding that it's not a lot like Hogwarts either.

I remember spending hours and hours at weekends on my own, bored shitless with nothing to do. Cold, communal showers that had to be poked out with a pin every so often or the grime stopped the water flowing properly. Bed checks with torches in the middle of the night. Morning inspection. Ugh.

Blarblarblar · 13/02/2018 19:33

Cold I was always cold. I never had enough socks or any socks. Weird I know we would have got the required on the list but just never had any. Heating was never on in a windy draughty room middle of winter. I have A LOT of socks now and the heating on full. Drives DH nuts (heating not socks)

Taffeta · 13/02/2018 19:35

Yeah maybe JK Rowling should write a book on what boarding school is really like.

The isolation and loneliness that is acute even though you are surrounded by people all the time

Blarblarblar · 13/02/2018 19:35

I think my parents still think it was like Mallory towers. Pillow fights, midnight feasts. Not one. Never.

Blarblarblar · 13/02/2018 19:36

More like when Harry livid under the stairs really

Taffeta · 13/02/2018 19:38

We had midnight feasts.

I remember those as my parents came sometimes with bags of M & S treats and for a few nights I was popular.

Blarblarblar · 13/02/2018 19:40

Well now I’m just jealous. I tried but no one else wanted to risk getting into trouble. They had all been there a lot longer when I arrived and much more broken in.