Did you go to boarding school? Come and talk to me

[OhGood]

I went to boarding school from 7, as did my brother from 5.

My DD and DS are now at these exact ages and I am suddenly being sideswiped by my feelings about this. I keep remembering how unhappy I was, and how hard I had to try to suppress my feelings when I was little, and I have a dawning awareness of how this unhappiness has probably impacted me for all of my life.

I can see how much my DCs need me and DH still, and I can't square this with being sent off to a very strict, old-fashioned school - no contact with parents except weekly letters, and only allowed out 1 weekend a month, etc. Slightly embarrassed about the strength of my emotions.

If you had a similar experience, I would love to know what you think, and how you're feeling about it now.

If you've had these feelings and resolved them, how did you do it? I don't want to wallow in this, but I feel I must do something to work through it.

I was sent away (yes, I mean that) at the age of just gone 8 to a boarding school in Kent.

I can still remember going numb and seeing the car taking my parents back to the station, with my mother looking out of the back window at me, but still going away. I can also remember -as if a camera shot, this whole scene being seen by me as if panning back and upwards, and the whole thing looking as if I was just an actor in this scene.

Friars School, near Great Chart, in Kent was a horrible place, pretty much modelled on Dotheboys Hall. Violent negative reinforcement punishment meted out ad hoc disproportionately.

I attended that place for 5 years.

Ironically, at a later stage, in an argument with my father, he said, "Friars was the making of you. Tonbridge let you down badly," and even then I found myself thinking, "Wrong way round, surely?".

I recently found that there are workshops available for "Boarding School Survivors", and read a book called "The Making Of Them", which examines this phenomenon too. I recommend this for anyone who has a DH of some 50 Summers or so who boarded.

I am very fortunate to have concluded that a lot of the "classic symptoms" seem to no longer apply to me, but I had to do the hard yards, do a lot of self examination, and am now divorced and very happy living on my own.

I know now that a "boarder" is nothing like the boy of 40 years ago, as he can go home pretty much whenever he wants, and most schools have a designated older boy mentor or similar for him, and that there is a much greater level of pastoral care. However, I seriously question if any child should be sent away at any age until they want it.

A mate's day boy son was playing so much sport, and in so many societies that he was coming home only to change his clothes, eat and sleep, and he wanted to spend more time with his team mates and friends at school, and he was fine, but this was when the son was 16.

I would say that boarding schools may be for some younger children, but not many, and certainly not enough to support the number of such places as currently operate.

Would you like to be banished from the one place in the world that you know as secure and warm, and loving at the age of eight?

Would you like to be banished from the one place in the world that you know as secure and warm, and loving at the age of eight?

Well, no. But sadly, not all homes are like that, are they?

If nothing else, I hope this thread has helped you appreciate that you are not alone in this thing we went through.

The really ironic thing is, GC, that my mother wanted me to board, because at the age of 7 / 8 I was already sparking with my father, who was 48 years older then me, and whom, I believe, had had enough of being a parent by then.

No, my home life was far from perfect - rows between DF and DF every three months or so, but it was the only thing I knew, and, in the absence of any comparisons, I thought that it was a loving and secure environment.

Little did I know. However, that little stretch of Kent was so much worse, and I believe I was one of the ones who got off lightly.

Marcus Dunkley had his bedtime book thrown out of a window one Summer night, so went to retrieve it. The Headmaster caught him, and he was given three with the nearest thing that came to hand - a Driver (golf club).

There will be a few men my age whose hair loss may be due to their hair being pulled and their head yanked from side to side as punishment.

'Not all parents can provide a stable, loving environment at home, for whatever reason, and sometimes boarding is the better option.'

This is the key thing for me. It is certainly the case that in some circumstances, a caring, well-run boarding school can be a better alternative to a chaotic home. But in that case it's essentially expensive foster care and the effects on that child won't be any different to the effects on another child removed by social services. In fact, the effects could be worse, given that many fostered children end up in very loving homes (albeit that the separation from their birth family does have an effect).

What I don't understand is parents who proudly say their children board? As though it's a good thing that their children don't live with them? I don't know any parent who would proudly say their child is in foster care, no matter how much opportunity that fostering situation gives them.

I'm conscious of coming across as judging you AssetRich - the whole boarding school thing is genuinely something I struggle to understand - but what stands out for me in your posts is this:

'Believe me, they slot right back at home in as if they've never been away'

Why should any child have to 'slot back in' to their own home? Surely they should just be part of it, all the time?

the 'slotting back in' thing is weird. I remember every time I came home making sure that nothing had changed - that ornaments were still in the same place etc. This did get tricky as it was a new home every two years though. The dog and the cat were the most constant - weird how my parents managed to take both round the world but not their children!! actually that is fucking weird now I think about it.

I do think that most, if not all, parents make their decisions based on what they think is best at the time. The point the OP makes about her children hitting the same age as she and her sister were, and the things many others have said - stiff upper lip etc, crying ourselves to sleep - when we realise how not normal those things aret hat only come out in later life makes me think that boarding is not generally a good idea. (tactful because I think AssetRich contribution is interesting and not gung-ho about the wonders of boarding!)

my last sentence was crap, hope you get the gist!

Yes Yolofish - I hadn't thought about the animals. Our dogs were my constant too - they went wherever my parents moved to abroad. You're so right, how absolutely weird that we weren't included!

One thing I find hard, and I'd be interested as to how others feel about this, is caring for increasingly elderly and unwell parents. I'll try to explain. I remember feeling unwell sometimes and being too scared to go to the matron (I recall wetting my bed one night but never saying anything and desperately waiting for the weekly sheet change). I also suffered from awful period pains, literally shook with the pain but being unable to do anything about it - I longed just to curly up with a hot water bottle. It made me very resilient and if I feel unwell now I feel much more in control if I get on with it and rarely will anyone know.

But I am finding it hard to be compassionate in terms of my own parents' failing health. Of course, I can do all the practical things such as hospital appointments, medicines etc but I find the empathy side quite challenging. Of course I know how I should feel - that I should be kind, understanding, patient and loving and I do try very hard - but it doesn't come easily. That makes me feel very guilty.

oh yes tiru a thousand times yes! I had glandular fever and flu at school (separate occasions) and was really unwell with both, spent a long time in the san really miserable. I think with the glandular fever I was taken home 3 days before the end of term so had already been in the san 3 weeks by then. dont remember with the flu, think half term may have been coming up and my DP were in the country.

I visit DM every single fucking night unless I am away with work; she is crippled with osteoporosis and in severe pain. DF is dead almost 22 years. Yes I'm sorry she's in pain, and I do all I can - including arranging daily home help which she loves but is whinging now about the cost and the fact that the lady is off this week - it's halfterm, she has 4 kids, why the hell wouldnt she be off?! I do try hard too, but when you open the front door and the first thing you get is an order all I can think is "I'm not your fucking maid"!! phew that feels better!

So much of this resonates for me. I actually cannot care for or feel empathy for my DM who is in her late 70's and mad with it. She also boarded from 7 for significant periods of her childhood in the 40's and 50's. My feeling of abandonment stem from her leaving the family home when I was very young though, and were only compounded by being sent to live with relatives and then boarding from age 11.

I have heard of boarding school syndrome but I understood it to be relevant to public school and boarding from a young age, I went to state boarding and dont think the syndrome is that relevant to me although I'm sure there are plenty of parallels.

Inseoir and Yolo, thank you for not jumping down my throat. As you will have divined, I'm absolutely not an advocate of sending children off willy-nilly. In the case of DC4, it all looked to be, on balance, the best option (especially given the spectacular financial package we were offered).

It's interesting that you picked up on the "slots back in" thing. Because in one way he does completely slot back in; it's as if he's never been away. But at the same time, he can't see (understandably) that things have changed in his absence. So he comes back expecting the situation to be as it was when he left - whereas a lot can change in three weeks (he comes home every three weeks. Barely worth it, given the distance, but important all the same).

This is particularly significant as DH and I are involved in a very prolonged divorce. We waited until DC4 was nearing the end of Year 8 to break the news to the DC; this was deliberate, as we knew it would de-rail him in his final year at prep school. Although I love him beyond any kind of reason and would give up my entire life for him in a heartbeat, I (we) still thought boarding would be the best thing for him, as it was offered on a gilded plate.

DC5 is desperate to board too, having seen what her brother does. I said at the outset that I couldn't bear to be without her. I realise this comes across as being all about me, rather than about her - though it is in any case academic, as there were no scholarships/bursaries forthcoming for her.

So as you see, I have very mixed feelings. It has undoubtedly been absolutely fantastic for DC4. But no solution is perfect.

I'm sure you have good reasons for your choices Assetrich but I'm genuinely interested in how you square it with your dcs - having one who you feel boarding is the best thing but another dc who you couldn't bear to be without .

How can you not be fostering an atmosphere of jealousy and resentment (either now or when they're adult) between all your dcs by treating them so differently? (The boarder may feel in the long run he was less central to the family or less 'wanted' or that he was the special golden child. The stay at home dc may believe she was treated less well not being given the opportunities her brother got or that she's the special one.)

I just cant imagine how you manage this.

Thank you for creating this thread and to all the others who have voiced my weird quirks that I struggle with.
I went at 11 and my mother swears blind “blar” would have it no other way. As an adult I’ve tried to discuss how unhappy I was and how I don’t feel an 11 year old could make that choice but it just goes over her head. We do see each other a lot but we don’t talk about real or upseting things.
I look at my babies and they are going nowhere. I struggle though. I try my best to be empathetic, I’m physically affectionate but I’m not the best mum. I’m working on it.
I feel at the age of 41 I am only now becoming an adult. I have for the most part tried in all aspect of my life to keep it private that I boarded mostly as I find the “ooooo get you” comments so difficult when I don’t feel privileged. I feel so very sad to even remember some of the humiliations, loneliness and torturous punishments that not only where inflicted on me but to my great shame I did to others.
I feel that I’ve missed out on some development somewhere. I can be cunning and manipulative but these are skills built for survival not endurance. Does anyone else get that or feel that. My skills aren’t healthy for me or those around me I’m working really hard at that. Trying to leave my sunny/funny mask aside and be more authentic (its terrifying).
Spot of therapy there.

I have agree with Haffdonga AssetRich - I find it really odd to treat children so differently and IME that sort of situation does inevitably create resentment. It sounds like DC4 has issues of some sort?

Blar, a lot of what you say about yourself chimes with what I see in my boarding school friend. She's not manipulative as such but she is always in 'fight' mode - she can't ever believe that someone will just be there for her - she's always protecting herself. I totally understand why that is but it can be very tiring as her friend - the way she hides things can be quite hurtful at times, even though I know why she does it.

So much pop psychology going on here.

I don't think boarding school is the problem. I think it's the home life and parents that resulted in boarding that's probably the issue.

And for the record parents can still be present, supportive and fully involved in their child's life while they attend boarding school......if they so wish.

Again, I'm not trying to be critical zombie, but how is it physically possible to be fully involved in your child's life if for the majority of the time they live somewhere else??

Joining the few others coming forward as boarding parents, I am one too.

I have also had very positive experiences myself in boarding schools.

Thank god things are so different now anyway in terms of safeguarding and boarding, but not everyone has bad experiences even then. I have had very different experiences and memories and I feel awkward saying it on a thread of people who didn’t, but I don’t share it.

I don't think I have rose tinted glasses, but for me and for my child, boarding was a positive choice and not one I "had to" make. She could easily have gone to any day school she wanted, and the choice was absolutely hers to make.

I have checked, double checked, triple checked (and will keep checking) but my teen declares herself immensely happy, emotionally secure, and that to her it's the best thing as she couldn't imagine how she'd fit everything she does in to going to a day school.

Just an example but the eating fast is the opposite of what she does. Her house all eat together and it lasts an hour, and everyone is very sociable, so she now eats so slowly and wants to talk about everything under the sun over every meal time 😆 DH and I have had to slow down our own eating and engage our brains to fit in with her pace.

Am I "proud" of her boarding? as mentioned below? I guess I am, but it's more that I am proud of the person she is and the way she attacks everything full on and with such passion and enthusiasm. She is a lovely teen and has secure and kind friendships. She slots straight back in when she's home, with all of us.

Has the teen changed with boarding? No, I don't think so. We are a very close and loving family and the fact she is boarding hasn't changed that. I still know about her days, and it's certainly not just the red letter things I hear about. If she's had a bad day and everything is all just too much, I generally hear everything in at least duplicate as her HM will call or email, and she will message me, and I will then chat again to her HM, and between the three of us, we'll figure it out. Only it's not just three of us, as DH will hear other things, her tutor will, her friends will, and I think her matron actually knows absolutely everything 😂

On an average, good, or an amazing day, I still get to hear about what and how she’s feeling too. I get utterly banal updates. It’s not extremes.

I liken it to the African expression that it takes a village to raise a child. I feel she has other adults who are invested in her, want the best for her, and are working with me and her to help her exceed her own expectations academically along with everything else outside of lessons.

Am I silly in thinking staff are invested and actually do care? I don't think so. I was myself heavily invested in students when I worked in them when younger, and found it a delight and a privilege to be involved in helping teenagers become pretty decent adults, in combination with their parents. I never saw it as a transfer of parenting. Just more people involved.

And I even try and take on board and digest the view "why have children if you send them away?". I muse about that view point a lot, and it just isn't the case I think for us. I am still her parent and she is still my teenager, and we are intwined in a way that isn't affected by where she is staying in term time. I miss her to bits when she is away and it sometimes really hits me hard at random moments. I do tell her about those times, and she'll also tell me about times she has just wanted to come home for the night. (And we DO just whip her home for the night if she wants us to! And what's more, her HM always emphatically agrees that's the right thing to do).

I feel immensely sorry for anyone who has had rotten horrific experiences but it isn't the case with me, and hopefully in twenty years my teen will still think it's been a great thing. If she does look back and regret it, I hope she will say so and we can work out then why it was wrong. But i don’t think we do have it wrong.

So perhaps a good and positive experience of boarding is in fact reliant on a loving, accepting, secure and safe family background and relationships (along with, obviously safe and secure and caring staff and environment), rather than as suggested earlier, only working out as better in extreme situations where it's better than being at home?

I do think it's slightly different when the boarder is a teen unicorn - at that age they are much more likely to say directly if something is wrong. I just can't get my head around sending a 7 year old or god forbid a five or three year old. At those ages they are just too young to be away from their family.

That said, from your own point of view don't you feel you're missing out on the last few years that your daughter could be at home?

This thread was started I believe by the op as a place for people that have attended boarding school themselves to discuss their experiences

It’s not really for people who haven’t been to boarding school themselves but elect to send their children there

It’s a shame if it derails to become a thread about boarding in general, instead of a useful and rewarding safe space for ex boarders to discuss their experiences

But I will say I utterly disagree with this sentiment:

I liken it to the African expression that it takes a village to raise a child. I feel she has other adults who are invested in her, want the best for her, and are working with me and her to help her exceed her own expectations academically along with everything else outside of lessons

No one outside lessons cared. They did their job. There was no love. No love at all during term time = not OK

It's the lack of love that's the killer for me. There's no getting away from it. You can blether on about the wonderful activities and how busy and fulfilled they are until you're blue in the face, but children at boarding school are not being loved, on a day to day basis. Love is something you do. Every day. Even for teenagers.

I have never admitted it before, but here goes - I used to bank up my pillows against my back every night, so I could pretend someone was holding me. The starvation of physical affection made me ill. I'm too demanding of affection with my own children and have had to learn to give them space (and I have three cats and a very tactile dh). I don't think I will ever get over it.

I also think a lot of the very early sexual activity at my boarding school - which was hushed up, including teenage pregnancies and abortions - was because kids just wanted to feel close to someone, to be cuddled like the children they were. It's a completely unnatural situation. And I believe that in some people, that lack of personal love and intimacy causes that part of the personality to atrophy. The person becomes divorced from their own emotional needs. And that's how you create a Boris Johnson/Jacob Rees-Mogg - the boarding school system was designed specifically for this purpose, to turn out the officer class. It may be all pastoral care and trips out and cuddly toys these days, but it isn't a family, and it isn't love.

:( Greensleeves.

I find the assertion that school staff are somehow an acceptable substitute for parents really bizarre. I used to be a teacher and while I cared a lot about my students and absolutely wanted the best for them but I never felt anywhere near the same thing for them as I feel for my own children. I was their teacher, not their parent and being a teacher was a job, just as being a HM is a job in a boarding school - yes you care about the children but you don't love them like a son or daughter.

I don't get how some parents don't 'get' the importance of a parent - they're not just another adult, a person has only one mother and one father.