Did you go to boarding school? Come and talk to me

[OhGood]

I went to boarding school from 7, as did my brother from 5.

My DD and DS are now at these exact ages and I am suddenly being sideswiped by my feelings about this. I keep remembering how unhappy I was, and how hard I had to try to suppress my feelings when I was little, and I have a dawning awareness of how this unhappiness has probably impacted me for all of my life.

I can see how much my DCs need me and DH still, and I can't square this with being sent off to a very strict, old-fashioned school - no contact with parents except weekly letters, and only allowed out 1 weekend a month, etc. Slightly embarrassed about the strength of my emotions.

If you had a similar experience, I would love to know what you think, and how you're feeling about it now.

If you've had these feelings and resolved them, how did you do it? I don't want to wallow in this, but I feel I must do something to work through it.

I boarded but I was much older (secondary age) and absolutely hated my mother (narcissist horror) so it was great to get away from her.

I'd always been very self sufficient and didn't miss Home one bit!

Would never send my kids to boarding school though, they are very family oriented and I know they'd miss their home and family terribly.

I hated boarding school. Went from the age of 10 to a school that had only just changed from being single sex, with very few girls attending. Consequently I was very naive, and didn’t really know how to talk to or interact with young women my age.

That led to a really shitty, (ending up physically abusive), first LTR and marrying someone later who, in hindsight, wasn’t a great match. I can’t blame all my mistakes in life on boarding school, obviously, but the lack of confidence in relationships was definitely something that boarding contributed to.

I also saw a LOT of bullying in that environment and very few opportunities for the kids to escape it. The mask that PP have talked about already is absolutely true. You learn, very quickly, to hide anything affecting you which carries over into adult life, and you learn not to stand out too much. And although I understand why my parents opted for boarding, I disliked them for it for a long time after.

I loved boarding school, I just hated why I was there and that I'd been sent against my will (I wasn't wanted at home after the twins were born). My parents' house hasn't been my home since the day I left for school, I spent most of my holidays abroad with relatives and have no functional relationship with my siblings - they despise my existence to the point of endangering my life and I loath them.

The independence is classic boarding school, I'm confidence in my ability to manage most things. DH has had a challenging time helping me find the balance between 'I can do it myself' and 'I don't have to do it myself'.

Boarding school is just private fostering, its an unforgivable choice. I wet at 11, and my daughter is close to the age I was when I went and that had been quite triggering for me. It's very telling that you say you are embarrass to be feeling emotional about it, that is classic boarding school syndrome to be ashamed of emotion. You and your brother were so, so young.

There is a Facebook support group called Boarding School Survivors that may be helpful.

I hated it and while I don't know if it damaged me, it definitely damaged my bond with my parents. Since adulthood we've been polite but distant and I wouldn't dream of sharing feelings or problems with them.

I thought at ten that I wanted to go to boarding school because I'd read Enid Blyton . Now if she's asked my mother's refrain is Oh Haffdonga WANTED to go to boarding school. Funnily she doesn't tell people or seem to remember the Sunday evenings on the way back to school after a home visit when I would be hysterically crying and begging them not to make me go back.

I boarded from 11, due to parents in the military. Mum did not want to send me away - she was in tears at the start of every term - but also wanted me to have an education. Moving every three years with disabilities would mean constantly struggling to adapt. Looking back, it was the best option from the choices we had to work with.

I would not send my kids to boarding school. It's never the same as home; you don't get to decompress and relax and if you are bullied (I was), you are very vulnerable.

I boarded from 11 and was largely happy but it was a good escape from vile stepfather and a generally quite distant family (both my parents boarded and were raised by nannies in the "children should be seen and not heard" style and both had fathers who died before they were old enough to know them). Everyone in my family on both sides boarded for generations, my mother was sent to France on her own for a yr aged 6 to learn French and live with a French family she'd never met prior to arrival. I don't think "healthy secure attachment" had much of a look in!

Altho I was happy at a happy school I totally resonate with the: "I have an innate belief that showing weakness, frailty or vulnerability is a bad thing. It has meant I have struggled to accept help, tolerate weakness nor trust people" comment.

I've read stuff about boarders learning to think rather than feel their feelings which I also think rings true.

My sons were day boys at a public school, many a weekend we had boarders to stay, bought a sofa bed for them when the bedrooms were full. Told them the fridge, cupboards which I filled and they emptied were for them to enjoy when they felt peckish. They enjoyed the freedom from time keeping, late brunch on a Sunday the house masters appreciated the break.

I heard some heartbreaking stories. Some of them were happier at school than at home. They now come to stay with my sons at weekends and for reunions bring their families we love to catch up with their busy lives. We follow each other on FB. They were and are a lovely bunch of men.

What is really interesting (and sad) about this thread is if you also look at the education threads where everyone is very gung-ho about the wonders of boarding, sets you up for life, makes a man/woman out of you, friends for life etc etc etc. Because it's not actually true. I am prepared to accept that for some kids, in the right situation, with the right motives it can be great. (actually I dont really accept that, I am dong the stiff upper lip thing again!)

For most kids, with loving families, decent relationships at home - why would you then send them away to an environment in which at best they have to learn hard stuff before they need to?

I went to boarding school from the age of 9.

Recognise some of the views being expressed. Despite it being quite a few years ago don’t really feel able to talk about it or more correctly the reasons surrounding the decision for me to go.

it's ok tuareg you dont have to...

So much of what you say OhGood resonates with me.

I went to boarding school from the age of 7 until 18 and then straight to university. My prep school (up to age of 13) was a boys school and I started the term they introduced girls. There were 7 girls in a school of 120 boys (very traditional, full boarding, 2 exeats either side of half term). I was the only girl in my class for my first year. I was very lonely and hardly spoke.

Like you OhGood, I have a public mask and it is wearing at times as I find it hard being around lots of people. I am very resilient and independent and intensely private. I have two children (21 and 18) and they acknowledge and accept my lack of ability to show full emotion (I don't like being hugged/touched). I find it awkward when I see others expressing emotion and I don't like myself for feeling like that.

It makes me sad to think back on it although I know that my parents loved me and did it for best intentions (we lived in various 3rd world countries and we moved every 2/3 years).

At prep school there were physical punishments ( I was beaten by the headmaster - he said I should know that I had to be punished and I should be brave! I had to sit on my hands afterwards as it was too painful to sit down properly. In the communal showers the girls asked me what had happened and I was so embarrassed that I lied and said I had fallen over.

Our letters were read - my first one home I said I had cried in bed and wanted to go home. The matron said that my parents wouldn't like to read that and I was made to re-write it.

I find it hard to be myself - in fact I don't actually know who I am. I am happy when I am on my own perhaps because then I can just be me.

If I cry it is on my own. I would cry silently in my bed at school, wishing I could be at home. I believed my life was just a dream and I'd wake up.

I remember when I used to wake my children up for school when they were aged 7. I would look at them, so deeply asleep and notice how tiny their hands and faces were, all snuggled up in bed. I knew at that moment that I couldn't send them away. We were woken by a bell every day and at night a bell would ring for us to kneel by our beds and say our prayers.

I still know my prayer off by heart and sometimes will say it in my head as I drop off to sleep at night without even being aware of it.

If I could rewind time I would.

Welshmist - i used to beg to go to other boys homes for a day .. So humiliating then and now thinking back to it ..

This is very interesting reading for someone who works in boarding.

I do it (partly) because I just feel so bloody sorry for the kids. I'd never send my own.

oh elocutioner.... that breaks my heart. One of my closest friends went to the same school as me, sent on her own aged 9 on a boat from Brussels (who could ever imagine doing that to a little girl?!)

we were never friends at school but we are so close now... but she freely admits she had to harden up pretty damn quickly in order to survive. I went at 10, by which time she was 11. I can remember in my first (autumn) term going outside by myself and making tea parties with acorns and the bits that fall off the bottom of them - you know what I mean- and pretending they belonged to fairies. I was 10 years old and no one knew where I was.

I got sent to boarding school at 11. I had a very dysfunctional relationship with my parents anyway, but was really worried about passing all that underground resentment and history onto my kids as my eldest reached that age.
It was the deciding factor for me to go to counselling - and the best thing I ever did.
This is about my issue and relationship with my parents. Counselling helped me differentiate between that and my relationship with my children.
Basically : it stops here.

I boarded from age 10 - DF was in the Army - absolutely loved it, it was a wonderful school and gave me so many opportunities and friends from all over the world who I am still in touch with. I was aware some girls weren’t terribly happy but the vast majority of my peers were and we all shed many tears on leaving. Many of us still go to reunions and there is a very active alumnae association who do all they can to support the current pupils at the school.

My own 3DC have boarded, one is now at uni and the other two still in school. My DH and I have lived all over the world with our jobs and before they were 10, each DC had already attended several schools. I was reluctant to send them to boarding school because the thought of being apart from them was very painful.

However, at 10 my DS, when faced with yet another school move implored us to let him go to boarding school in the UK. He went for a taster couple of days at a lovely rural boarding prep school and loved it from the first moment. He felt the same about his secondary years as a boarder and he went back to the prep school as a Gappie for a year before going onto uni. At 10 my eldest DD demanded she too be allowed to go to boarding school after attending her DB’s school play as she enjoyed the camaraderie she saw there so much and her younger sister followed completely voluntarily when she was 11. Both girls have been incredibly happy at the school and we also enjoy a very close and loving family life. The one is not necessarily exclusive of the other.

I am so sorry to read about some of the unhappy experiences PPs have suffered but I just wanted to say that not all children are miserable at boarding school and for very many it can be an enriching and hugely positive experience.

I'm so grateful to you all for taking the time to tell me this stuff. Some things are really lighting up for me. I am taking notes, and thinking.

tiru Those bloody bells!

"I find it hard to be myself - in fact I don't actually know who I am. I am happy when I am on my own perhaps because then I can just be me."

That resonates.

DB and I were Navy brats, so DF and DM were posted at the whim of the service. I can, actually, understand the need for boarding school in this situation - except for when DM told me that they had to make the decision to save their marriage or save their family life. I appreciate this wasnt an easy decision to make back in the 70s, when times were different.

DH, oth, was sent to boarding school because there was no 'suitable' local school and also because he was a 'naughty' boy. He wasnt. But his Dsis was never sent away - guess what their relationship is like now?

Yolo I come from a very very loving and stable family. And boarded from 11. I absolutely loved it. They 'sent me away' (I was so excited I'd my bags packed months in advance) because we had very little school options locally and my parents and extended family were all from where the boarding school was. A good few of the farming kids from my primary school came too.

Best memories ever!

I can't even imagine what so many poor kids must have gone through at such a young age.

Also at 11-16 years old...I know from my own children that they try so hard to fit in, to wear the right clothes and look the right way etc that I can't imagine them having to keep that up 24 hours a day with no respite. My two eldest have lots of friends and no issues, but even so they feel this need to fit in. To not be able to go home and be themselves would be really stressful.

Also, my four get hugs, kisses and cuddles every day. They want it (and me too). I can't imagine them having to tolerate not getting a cuddle, not being able to confide in someone they know will always help and protect.

Also, children grow so quickly. Why on earth would you send them away? My parents also travelled and worked in different countries and they just moved us with them. We learned languages, I am super flexible, put me anywhere and I'll make friends and build a life because I am so adaptable. But I've always had a lot of confidence because I have very solid roots in the love of my parents and my family. You don't have to be plonked as a tiny child with strangers for months on end to be resilient etc. It can be done by building solid foundations and confidence.

but on this thread, where OP is asking about her issues with boarding - which I and many others are agreeing with - people are still coming on and saying how marvellous boarding school is, best memories ever etc etc.

So, boarding is clearly NOT the best thing for every/most/any child - why do the boarding school apologists need to defend their own experience?

I went at 16. I hated every minute. I would never ever send my kids to board. Even at that age it wasn't pleasant. Most of the kids had been there since 11 and were completely alien to me. Don't get me wrong, I made friends, experienced no bullying etc but I counted the days until I left and just felt like I was wasting my life away there.

I'm no apologist for anything - I'm just telling it from my and my DC's experience. My experience has just as much validity as those who have been unhappy. I wouldn't wish sad school years on any child but I am
simply pointing out that not everyone is impacted in the same way by boarding.