Did you go to boarding school? Come and talk to me

[OhGood]

I went to boarding school from 7, as did my brother from 5.

My DD and DS are now at these exact ages and I am suddenly being sideswiped by my feelings about this. I keep remembering how unhappy I was, and how hard I had to try to suppress my feelings when I was little, and I have a dawning awareness of how this unhappiness has probably impacted me for all of my life.

I can see how much my DCs need me and DH still, and I can't square this with being sent off to a very strict, old-fashioned school - no contact with parents except weekly letters, and only allowed out 1 weekend a month, etc. Slightly embarrassed about the strength of my emotions.

If you had a similar experience, I would love to know what you think, and how you're feeling about it now.

If you've had these feelings and resolved them, how did you do it? I don't want to wallow in this, but I feel I must do something to work through it.

That's such a sad story. I'm really sorry.

Documentary on boarding school tonight (19/2) re abuse BBC1.

Wondering if mine are on it

oh msbrightside I am so sorry for the child you were...

Visited 87yo DM tonight, and we were discussing all the recent sex - no, sorry, abuse - scandals. She couldnt get her head around the fact that what links them all is power; and that what adults have over children is power. So when you are sent away somewhere at a young age, you are put into the hands of people who have power over you. With luck they are not abusive; but there just seem to be too many cases where power enables abuse.

My DH boarded from 11. Great game face and outwardly gets along with everyone. But lets very few people get close and won't ask for help.

We met when we were very young and although he claims to have forgotten he was really angry at his parents for having sent him away to a country he'd never lived in and didn't regard as home. (He was born in East Africa where they worked for an NGO and was sent to the UK)

Really interesting thread to read, and very sad at times. Many hugs to those former children who didn't get them when they needed them. My mother boarded from a very young age and reading about your experiences has made me resolve to try to be a little kinder to her. She is unable to be open or honest about any kind of emotional issue or even accept a hug from her children without flinching. She's very angry somewhere inside - this thread makes me think perhaps she is scared too. She now has dementia which obviously doesn't help and she is very difficult to deal with on a number of levels. But actually this thread may have done a little good because it makes me think more kindly on her many failings as a parent which to some extent stop me from being kind to her sometimes (ashamed of this, having read it all, and resolving to try harder).

Interestingly, I also find it immensely hard to ask for help and some of the other issues you have mentioned resonate too. Do you think the emotional issues can be passed on? I literally cannot remember asking another human being for any kind of help since early primary school (am nearly fifty). None was ever forthcoming from my mother so perhaps she kind of taught me to behave in what she thought/felt would be a good way to be to deal with life?

Ask for help???!!! hahahaha... sorry heliophlous that was meant to be ironic. dont be silly, we all know better than that.

I'm not sure if we pass the emotional issues on - I dont think so because perhaps we didnt follow the traditional pattern. What I do know is that DD2, nearly 19, is really homesick at uni - likes her flat, likes her course, has made great friends, etc. But she seriously misses home, and I think what if she had been 10 when she went somewhere? Even now, I say if she wants to come home for the w/e then just do it, doesnt matter how much it costs; or if she seriously wants to drop out (she doesnt) then she can. I would do what it takes to make either of my girls happy in a single heartbeat rather than have them feel abandoned.

Ask for help? Don’t be so weedy! As if...just pull your socks up, girl ( or boy)..

Helio, yolo, I’m with you...

None of my family understands depression and until six months ago my DSis thought I liked our boarding school! How could she! I obviously did a magnificent cover up job. For nearly 50 years.

SundayFunday, perhaps you weren’t exposed to the economic circumstances which were part of the decision making. For my parents, after the army there were, realistically, few jobs in the UK for such as my father. So that meant abroad. You might be moved at short notice, you might be posted somewhere with limited access to schooling. The climate and conditions might be dreadful for small children. Governesses / tutors were no longer an option. If the mother decided to come home, as some did, that was usually curtains to the marriage. And women were trained to put husband first, as provider. They might well have given up work, if they had any to begin with. Without a husband it would be difficult and the social mores were less understanding.

And what do you do with the child who has had 9 schools by the age of 9? That’s misery in itself on the social side, let alone on the academic one.

My daughter asked me why I flinch when she hugs me...makes me feel sad that I do and I try my best not to. Nobody at school ever gave us a hug, literally nobody. From one term to the next, day after day. I used to day dream about being at home and then feel terribly guilty as I knew I should really be concentrating - because I was so "lucky' to be at such a great school!

I'd forgotten the flinching. DW trained me out of it, took quite a while. Prior to that, most physical contact had been an assault or a prelude to one. I'd had girlfriends before her, if you can can call random sex with passing acquaintances that. Binned by two for shaking off handholds, pulled away from several more because they wanted more than dinner and a competent shag. Still, at least I recognised from personal experience that "no" was an absolute.

Fuck.

I’d forgotten the flinching too. I still like being touched eg hugged by very few people.. I can do social kisses but that’s it.

Boarder 11-18, hated it. Never ask for help. Had never made the connection until this thread but of course that's why I've actively avoided working with women in my adult life. Will never send my child away to school and regularly joke not joke to my mother that I'll be putting her away in a home at the first opportunity.

SillyYak, if it makes you feel any better, DC and I have a running joke about local old people’s homes...” Oh look, Mum, there’s a good one”. And DC never boarded..

I can hug the DC but not really anyone else.

I’ve a few lovely friends that know me well & don’t take it personally “I know you don’t like hugs, but I do so I’m giving you one anyway” sort of thing. Which is great - there’s no expectation, just understanding & acceptance.

Taffeta, yup.

I recognise DH in so many of these posts. He went to boarding school at 10 and has all of the traits of not expressing his emotions, guarded, independent, bottling things up, uncomfortable with hugs, good but not close relationships with DP and siblings etc. Our DC love him but find him a bit remote, which is heartbreaking, as I know he loves them very deeply.

DH's DP said he could leave if he were unhappy, but of course he told them he was fine. In fact, he told his DP not to bother visiting on exeat weekends as he says he found it more difficult to make the transition from home to school. Once he adapted to the school environment, he found it easier emotionally to remain there until the end of term.

I think DH may be right about this, as DB was a weekly boarder and I have memories of him sobbing on a Sunday evening because he didn't want to go back. He has subsequently developed serious mental health problems and has a terrible relationship with our DF. I do think that boarding was a factor.

DH's school is one where certain teachers have been found to be involved in abuse of some pupils, although DH wasn't. However, he says that the boys were aware of it and that at least one teacher was dismissed 'for inviting boys up to tea', but left with a reference to take up a position at another public school.

I know that communication is much easier these days with mobile phones, Skype etc and the 'houses' are more comfortable. The marketing literature is full of smiley children enjoying themselves and teddy bears in the dormitories, but it is still not home - as others have said, you can't buy love.

I

I've just been away for 2 nights with work, staying in a lovely hotel - I STILL did the pillow thing!! I can hug my DH, DC, friends, but absolutely not my mother. And I know she'd probably love it - but I just cant.

I boarded for 6 years and it’s very telling that I have very few memories about it at all. It’s like I’ve blocked it out.

I went because it was the best option but on the whole I was utterly miserable and depressed. Only years later do I see the many more opportunities I had than many other children my age. And many opportunities I didn’t take because of my sadness. It has left me with life long problems. My husband describes me as emotionally cold and I have a very straight public face and rather intolerant of people. Even when I was faced with being told he wasnt going to make it through the night whilst holding my new born I didn’t show any emotion- It was left for behind closed doors.

Would I send my children? I don’t know. I’d let them choose and also let them leave immediately if they wished. Day school - yes, boarding - unsure.

Oh jeez the Sunday night thing. I’d say it’s only the last few MONTHS that I’ve not absolutely dreaded every Sunday and spent the evenings on edge counting down hours to bed. I’m mid 30’s.

And yes yes the not asking for help thing. I didn’t realise asking for help was allowed ;)

Masking any emotion/poker face/and lying. Appearing outwardly confident and the shock that people show when they find the real you (accidentally of course. You’d never show the real you intentionally!)

It’s interesting the discussions that go on across MN about the difference between boarding now and when we were children.

People asking for recent experiences. As if attending now is somehow better or different to 20 odd years ago.

Is it any different? The food may be better, the beds more comfortable - I don’t know.

I can’t see how being separated from your parents and not receiving any love is any different though. I can’t see how the emotional impact is any different.

It saddens me to see the line “they can come home any time and go to the local school, they know that!” still being trotted out. Sure, they can admit failure and disappoint their parents, and willingly step into the unknown perceived terror of the local comp, and say this to parents with whom they have a strangely more distant relationship.

yy taffeta although I'm wondering if the current AIBU one isnt a journo...

Yes maybe, as they didn’t return. Although it’s the comments on there as well as the OP that are disturbing, tbh.

I showed my husband this thread- he is coming to read it later.
His father was in the navy and so DH was sent to boarding school.

So many of the things I have pointed out resonate with me about him, and he recognises they are his traits too. Not talking about emotions, being very self reliant, compliant and finding it hard to show what he is really feeling (this is tough for both of us). Boarding school definitely screwed with his emotional development.
And it impacts the way he parents. But equally he loves hugs and cuddles- maybe due to a lack in his teens.

For this reason I am dead set against boarding school. I would rather home school than send a child to boarding school and I am pretty anti home schooling!

Anyone read Ysenda Maxtone-Graham’s book on girls’ boarding schools, Terms and Conditions?

I too have read this thread and there are so many posts that resonate so strongly with me.

It upsets me that my parents spent so much money (they were hill farmers and we were skint!) on something they thought was going to 'do me so much good'. But my experience has left me a jibbering wreck! I could never tell them.

I went at 11 and my parents lived abroad. It was a complex set up with me in England and my brother at a boarding school in Scotland. I think boarding pre-puberty is probably a mistake for most children, unless their parents are so close by that they can maintain an active role in their lives (lots of weekends at home, filling tuckboxes on a regular basis with treats, providing clean and fashionable mufti, attending matches etc).

I spent yesterday reading and thinking about this thread and it's stirred up so many memories and feelings. Also helped to clarify some thoughts in my head and also my position on boarding schools in general. It's also made me up the amount of times I tell my children I love them and am proud of them. After the 100th time yesterday, they both told me to zip it!