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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Did you go to boarding school? Come and talk to me

481 replies

OhGood · 05/02/2018 11:38

I went to boarding school from 7, as did my brother from 5.

My DD and DS are now at these exact ages and I am suddenly being sideswiped by my feelings about this. I keep remembering how unhappy I was, and how hard I had to try to suppress my feelings when I was little, and I have a dawning awareness of how this unhappiness has probably impacted me for all of my life.

I can see how much my DCs need me and DH still, and I can't square this with being sent off to a very strict, old-fashioned school - no contact with parents except weekly letters, and only allowed out 1 weekend a month, etc. Slightly embarrassed about the strength of my emotions.

If you had a similar experience, I would love to know what you think, and how you're feeling about it now.

If you've had these feelings and resolved them, how did you do it? I don't want to wallow in this, but I feel I must do something to work through it.

OP posts:
Inseoir · 11/02/2018 08:05

This is a really interesting thread for me. Where I grew up boarding school wasn't a thing at all - we read about it in Enid Blyton but actual boarding schools didn't exist where I lived and the only context in which I heard about ones further away was one of punishment - my best friend's mother threatened to send her to the one up the country if she didn't behave, but it wasn't a real threat - sending your child away was seen in my circle as being very extreme, no matter what the reason was.

It was only when I moved to the UK that I met people who had actually been to boarding school and who considered it 'normal' - it totally baffled me, I couldn't get my head around parents voluntarily giving up their children when they didn't have to.

Through work I became friends with a wonderful woman who boarded from the age of 9. Like a lot of people on this thread she doesn't talk about it much but I think because I was so fascinated with it/didn't consider it normal she found it easier to talk to me in a way - she didn't have to explain why she feels the way she does about it. I got the sense that when she mentioned it to other non-boarders they considered her a bit of a show off because there is such a class element involved in the whole thing - at one point a mutual friend implied that she was spoiled for complaining about such an 'opportunity' - having other people envy something that caused you such pain must be so isolating.

When we first met she described herself in almost exactly the same words as other posters have used here - resilient, independent, self-contained, private. That's not what I saw at all. I saw such a lot of fear - it was like she lived her life on the edge of a precipice that she believed she could fall over at any point. I know it's not a great analogy but I likened it to a stray animal who knows what human love and affection is but who now fears humans - they crave attention but can never let their guard down to actually get it, they constantly move away, they're jumpy and overreact to everything and it's exhausting for everyone around them. She just didn't believe that anyone would have her back. And why would she? The main people in the world who should have had her back left her when she was 9, voluntarily. She had to learn that even 'unconditional' love isn't dependable, that you can be separated from it without much real cause (her parents sent her to boarding 'for her own good')

I agree with what other posters have said that there was a layer of socialisation missing. I think people who grow up in a family learn through long, hard and often difficult experience in the teenage years that their family will be there for them no matter how 'wrong' or 'bad' or 'ugly' they are -so much of teenagerhood is about 'rebelling,' which is really a process of testing the boundaries of the love of those close to you to discover your own worth. If you don't live with those people, then the opportunities to do that are practically nil - because the time together is so short lived, it's all editing and nicey nicey - who wants to go home for only two hours and spend that time having a fight? Anyway, there's noting to fight about - there's no narrative as such, your lives are essentially separate. And if the people you interact with most are staff, rather than family, you're not going to test them, because there is nothing to test - they don't love you and you have to accept that. God, it is so sad. That 'resilience' comes across to me as a sort of scar tissue, hard and uncomfortable, that my friend bears from the ongoing hurt of rejection. She is just used to it now and has never had experience of the healthy version, where you push and are accepted over and over until you believe it.

The people who staff the boarding school may be lovely, kind, caring, etc etc (in fact, many at my friend's boarding school sounded like wonderful people) but the fact always remains that they are not your mother/father/brother/sister and that is significant. The idea that it isn't a problem absolutely boggles me tbh - I don't understand how some people can miss so completely the significance of a parent - is that because their own parents were distant/abusive? Parents are special. Your mother isn't just some kind woman, she's your mother, there is only one of her. Someone can act as a poor substitute, but what's the point in a substitute if the real one is right there??? Why would a child choose a kind stranger who doesn't love them over their actual mother?

Now that I'm a parent I understand the whole thing even less. My son is close to the age that my friend was when she went boarding and I had to tell her how much it upset me to think of her at that age, crying silently in her bed, knowing nobody would come to her, never having a mum in the other room who would come running at the first sign of distress. It is such a loss and so unnecessary - that's what gets me. Her mother was alive and healthy and could have been there, cuddling her. But she wasn't. For no reason. My friend just nodded when I told her - she does appreciate being told these things (she feels she needs to be 'recalibrated') but she thinks if she really lets herself feel the impact of what I say she'll fall apart. She won't. But she will have to accept a lot of really hard things, like the fact that her suffering wasn't really necessary. I think she worries that if she accepts that she'll hate her parents.

I understand that boarding can be helpful in awful situations - abuse, death of a parent, etc. - it is filling in a gap when the best option is no longer there. But why does a parent choose it? Children are young for such a short time, why as a parent would you just decide not to be part of it? Why deny yourself the chance to live with your own baby?

Inseoir · 11/02/2018 08:33

I'm also not convinced by arguments that boarding is different now. I'm sure it is different - far better regulated, much more compassionate. But that still doesn't change the fact that the two people with the closest connection to the child aren't with them during the week. How can a parent bear that? Yes, there are phones, but say if you speak to your child on the Monday and they seem a bit down, how do you manage not seeing them/not being able to touch them until the weekend? So much of parenting involves just observing your children - seeing when they're a bit low, noticing when they're pale, when they're not mentioning that friend any more, hearing the change in their voice when you ask how their day at school was. How do you really know what's going on with them if you only speak to them at certain times? When you don't see them eating their dinner?

DrMorbius · 11/02/2018 08:37

What's the point of having kids if you want to fob them off on to some random. Raising a person isn't just about school.

VanillaSugar · 11/02/2018 08:53

We had a snoop round one boarding school (because we could, because it's very famous and DS is in the feeder prep and so we were invited) and the boarding house was archaic. The 13 year old's dorm was a long corridor with wooden partitions - like an old public cubicle with a bed in. Even the sixth form single rooms felt like cells Shock

The girls' boarding houses are apparently newer and have more of a family feel but OMG. The sixth form boys we met seemed about 25.

I boarded, my brother boarded, my DD boarded but this was another level!

Taffeta · 11/02/2018 12:33

I got the sense that when she mentioned it to other non-boarders they considered her a bit of a show off because there is such a class element involved in the whole thing - at one point a mutual friend implied that she was spoiled for complaining about such an 'opportunity' - having other people envy something that caused you such pain must be so isolating

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes to this.

MoseShrute · 11/02/2018 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yolofish · 11/02/2018 21:26

it is a bitter thing, reading other people's experiences. insesoir your post about your friend was heart-rending.

both my uni DDs are home this w/e - because they want to, because they can. DD1 had some issues she needed to talk over - accomplished in half an hour face to face but not the same on the phone. DD2 because she was lonely (all friends away). I BLOODY love that they want to come home, that we can do this, that they know if ever they want/need to come home they can and we will physically/financially help them do it. That's what parents are for isnt it?

myidentitymycrisis · 11/02/2018 22:00

I am so glad of this thread, it is very sad and also validating my experiences. So many people putting into words how I have felt all my life.
Recently reflected on how I had a distinct lack of 'self', and how it held me back massively in my early adulthood.

yes to colleagues ribbing me for being privileged ...., so familiar.

yolofish · 11/02/2018 22:14

the thing is, DH and I both boarded, we've been together for over 40 years - but we still both recognise boarding school behaviour. from the simple to the complicated - we both eat fast, because if you didnt some other fucker would nick it off your plate, or you'd have to be somewhere else in 5 mins anyway. Relationships with parents:I am caring for DM, DF died 21 years ago. I have very litte sympathy due to the inner voice I mentioned earlier but I do it anyway. PIL will hit the needing care phase soon - I will be as least engaged as I can because efectively they dumped DH in it...

AssetRichIncomePoor · 11/02/2018 22:30

Really interesting to read this thread. My DF boarded from 13 (didn't much like it, but now thinks it was better than being at home with batshit mother and sister); XH boarded from 8 (hated it, and it left him with all kinds of horrendous attachment problems, esp. as his parents then moved abroad and never visited him); DP boarded from 11 (will not be drawn on it, but is very much of the "stiff upper lip" brigade - completely self-sufficient, will not properly attach to anyone, gobbles up food before anyone else can, etc). Yet DC4 boards, and loves it (hated prep school, but explicitly states that he can't wait to get back to school after the holidays). When we first deposited him, he rang in floods of tears to ask us to collect him (we were 3 hours up the motorway by then); I told him to get through the first few days and we could review it after that. He never looked back, and it has been fantastic for him in every conceivable way.

I think things have perhaps improved where boarding is concerned. Xh and I are 300 miles from DC4, but the school is absolutely brilliant about communicating (unlike flipping DC4, who communicates when he wants money). I can't fault it.

AssetRichIncomePoor · 11/02/2018 22:34

Now wondering if there is a difference between girls' and boys' boarding schools. DC4 will always FT us if there is any kind of problem, but for him, school is largely about work/music/sport, and friendship things aren't a big deal. Whereas DC5 (girl, at day school) bangs on endlessly to me about friends, teachers, general crap. I would love her to board, having seen how brilliant boarding is, but haven't got the money, even if she had the inclination...

AssetRichIncomePoor · 11/02/2018 22:36

BTW, I think we all just make what we consider to be the best decisions for our DC. My own personal opinion is that it's barbaric to send them to nursery/pre-school. Mine didn't even go to Reception, because I was perfectly happy to be a SAHM with them for as long as possible. Though perhaps that's why I felt I had done my bit by the time they were 13...

AssetRichIncomePoor · 11/02/2018 22:40

Final word from me... Boarders don't come home for a weekend to be nicey-nicey (Inseoir). They spend all of about 2.5 seconds being nice. Then it's business as usual (picking fights with us/siblings etc). They know parental love is unconditional regardless of where they're at school. Believe me, they slot right back at home in as if they've never been away. The DC at home are the ones who find it a bit harder, as they adjust to the new home life without the Boarder.

My parents offered boarding to me at one point. Now I've seen it, I think I was crazy to reject it.

princesswonderful · 11/02/2018 22:45

Done your bit by the time they were 13?.. that's just so sad.

I honestly can't imagine day to day life without my children. I haven't heard anything that convinces me it's anywhere near a good idea!

AssetRichIncomePoor · 11/02/2018 22:49

That was a bit tongue in cheek, princesswonderful. I couldn't have imagined a single second without mine when they were younger (I never went out, even for 5 seconds, until they went to school - and that means I was at home with at least one child for about 15 years in total). But I can't fault boarding now.

Taffeta · 11/02/2018 22:50

Never went out for 5 seconds? Eh?

Haffdonga · 11/02/2018 22:50

Of course there are pros and cons to boarding. Of course some people had the worst time in their lives and others the best.

But funny how most of the people who are strongly ANTI boarding are those who have experienced it themselves. Those most strongly PRO boarding are the parents of boarding dcs. Hmm

princesswonderful · 11/02/2018 23:00

Haffdonga funny that!!

Grunkle · 11/02/2018 23:10

My heart goes out to all in this thread. There's a lot I identify with.

My parents boarded. I boarded for a couple of years.

My mother was sent at 5. Ran away every day for two years. She is a mess of a person, has huge emotional deficits, cannot understand intimacy or closeness, manipulates care from others but cannot give anything in return, doesn't seem able to fathom what that could look like. The emotional equivalent of gobbling food before someone nicks it.

She was a good enough mother until I turned 5. Then she seemed to lose the thread of what to do - heinously neglectful, underfed us, let us sleep out with friends for long periods without checking their home circumstances (I was molested several times, it was clear I was vulnerable), gave absolutely no moral or social guidance, no information about how to form friendships, no sex education, didn't tell us about periods, her response to any worries we had was to shut herself in her bedroom and cry... The list goes on. It took me years to work out any kind of social manners. Learned by watching friends. I definitely formed a mask and learned to crack on with things on my own.

My DF was sent away age 12 and similarly, when I turned 12 it was like a switch was flicked. He never showed the slightest interest in me again. Sent me to board, washed his hands of me. But he also never seemed to perceive that I belonged to him in any way - children seemed to belong to their mother only, if that. No sense of a familial bond or loyalty. It was every man for himself in our family.

I didn't board for long (12-14) but even so I inherited boarding school syndrome from my parents, without a doubt. We never had a family life. There was never a sense that I belonged anywhere. My parents just seemed to have children because it's what one does and then they proceeded to be baffled by how to bring us up.

It left me incredibly vulnerable. I married young to someone who could barely stand me..only now in my 30s am I starting to understand that I have worth and that others might like me for me.

AssetRichIncomePoor · 11/02/2018 23:13

Taffeta, 'tis true. XH was abusive, so I couldn't leave the DC with him safely. The only way I knew they were ok was if they were with me, all the time, until they went to school. I realise this is not normal.

AssetRichIncomePoor · 11/02/2018 23:15

This also all goes to show how these experiences shape us. My DF (who, as I said, didn't enjoy boarding, but thought it was a good thing in retrospect) was (is) the loveliest, kindest, most doting father. You could say this is a reaction to being sent away to school. Or you could say it's just because he's a lovely, sweet kind person. There's no way of knowing.

My boarder is not sweet or kind, but is essentially no different from how he was before he boarded. He is better at keeping his room tidy, though. Grin

spiney · 12/02/2018 08:43

Yolofish on a lighter note - I had forgotten about eating fast! I eat really fast for the reasons you say.

Though my DH eats fast too because he came from a large family. Our kids now all eat really fast.😂

Taffeta · 12/02/2018 09:06

Yy to eating fast Grin

I remember biting into an apple on my first day at the table - and it seemed like everyone in the whole dining room stared at me and the world slowed down

I looked around, wide eyed, not sure what was going on

And saw everyone else start cutting up their fruit before putting it in their mouths

I was obv a savage....

GaucheCaviar · 12/02/2018 09:41

Me and my three sisters were all at boarding school (parents working abroad in Africa). THis thread has sparked a bit of a debate for us. I was miserable at the time but don't feel at all damaged by it. One of my sisters (waves as she's probably reading this!) feels she was forced to grow up a bit too soon and has to be stiff upper lip, even now. One absolutely loved it. So there you go. It depends so much on the child's personality and the alternative of what's happening at home. Not all parents can provide a stable, loving environment at home, for whatever reason, and sometimes boarding is the better option.

Taffeta · 12/02/2018 09:53

Boarding school ruined my sister

We both went through various shit growing up, she was at boarding school aged 13-16 and has major problems with relationships

I thought for a while she might be on the spectrum but reading this thread has made me realise it was probably boarding school - she wasn’t like it pre 13