Did you go to boarding school? Come and talk to me

[OhGood]

I went to boarding school from 7, as did my brother from 5.

My DD and DS are now at these exact ages and I am suddenly being sideswiped by my feelings about this. I keep remembering how unhappy I was, and how hard I had to try to suppress my feelings when I was little, and I have a dawning awareness of how this unhappiness has probably impacted me for all of my life.

I can see how much my DCs need me and DH still, and I can't square this with being sent off to a very strict, old-fashioned school - no contact with parents except weekly letters, and only allowed out 1 weekend a month, etc. Slightly embarrassed about the strength of my emotions.

If you had a similar experience, I would love to know what you think, and how you're feeling about it now.

If you've had these feelings and resolved them, how did you do it? I don't want to wallow in this, but I feel I must do something to work through it.

I don't get the exams either. I'm pretty much involved in all the up and downs of ds's exams, preparation etc, so i don't understand why your parents seem to have missed the whole lot.

Boarded from the age of 13 onwards. Loved it. The local comps available to me were failing rough house shitholes and having seen the damaging corrosive affect one of these places had on my elder sister my folks decided they wanted a bit better for me. I was pulled out of the crap school and packed off to my new boarding school a few hundred miles away. I was staggered by how well behaved the other kids were, the carnage of what I had experienced to date was replaced with small orderly classes where discussion, an inquisitive mind and debate were encouraged in an enjoyable atmosphere. Poor behaviour and manners were pounced upon. There was no ‘them’ and ‘us’ relationship between teachers and pupils, there was mutual respect, humour and a genuine sense that staff gave a shit and actually cared. I was pushed to try my best both academically and in sporting pursuits. A ‘can do’ attitude and the notion of personally responsibility was instilled in pupils. I left the school for university full of fond memories, confident and with a sense of direction. I am still great friends with many former classmates, pretty sure I am not emotionally crippled, in a loving stable marriage and working in a good career. My father was a 4th generation plasterer from Cork, certainly not what you would call ‘posh’, my mother from a working class family in Sunderland. They made considerable sacrifices to give me a good chance in life, and I thank them for that.

I think that boarding schools now are very different from how things were say 25 years ago. There is official pastoral care and much more contact with home.

From my experience, it was more unusual for girls to board from the age of 7 years (which I did in a boys school that had traditionally only taken boys). There was physical and emotional punishments (being caned, gymshoed, hit with a ruler on the knuckles and for being told that if you were naughty you would not be allowed to go home for the holidays).

It does have an effect on people in good and bad ways - but ultimately it is not a realistic home environment (or it wasn't then) and being removed from your parents from such a young age must surely have some effect?

As for the poster who said their parents kept in regular contact this was not always possible. In my experience it was hard to do that. Yes, there were letters from home and holidays to visit parents (living abroad) but there were no mobile phones, Skype, text messages etc. Nobody to talk to if you felt sad, lonely or worried. That is not normal.

I didn’t go to Boarding School and I hope you don’t mind me commenting but I have just read through everyone’s personal responses and my heart is breaking. You have reinforced what one always felt about Boardibg Schools and I’m so sorry you went through this and are still suffering. Best wishes to you all working through your feelings. I’m off home to hug my little ratbags even closer tonigt x

tiru17 I went to boarding school over 40 years ago and it certainly was not the strict authoritian environment you describe

I said about regular contact and I went 25 yrs ago. As you say there were no mobile phones but there were phones. We were able to use them every afternoon and evening if we wanted and every morning. when our parents called us on the phone our names were called to go to the phone. My mum also sent letters as did my sister when she left and went to college.

Did other people really not have ways to phone home any day the year needed to?

Oh no, I TOTALLY get Haff saying "All those life learning experiences, battles and discussions that most teenagers go through with their parents somewhere in the background happened away from home. First period, first boyfriend, smoking, drinking, parties, exams - everything that's normal teen stuff happened out of their sight and of course I told them nothing. Then as an adult off I went to uni, then lived abroad and never really got to know them as people properly. I still never tell them anything that isn't nice."

Totally. I think bottling it up gets to the point where it just doesn't even occur to you to tell your parents, or anyone, anything. I'm very aware that being a teenager in a family is completely uncharted ground for me and that I will need to work really hard when my kids are teens to mitigate this.

I have found a lot of comfort in the mutual recognition from some of you on this thread. (I appreciate different circumstances and different personalities and different experiences - I've only been looking at people whose experiences match mine.)

So - if you're ferociously independent, good at putting on a public face, sturggle to admit weakness or ask for help, struggle with trust, apparently extrovert but actually intensely insular/private, only able to relax when you're completely alone and accepting of the strange fact that while your parents might have loved you, you grew up in a hard and loveless place - you're my tribe of boarding school survivors.

And as a very wise PP said: "you fail to learn other stuff that you do need to learn, like how to live as part of a proper family, that you can actually share stuff, you don't always have to be on high alert" - so what I need to do is learn to live as part of a proper family. (Luckily my children are very good at teaching me this.)

nNina22 It must depend on the school - mine was almost exactly as tiru18 describes. Physical punishment, no phone calls home ever - a phone call from home was to tell you bad news, no-one to talk to - there was a matron in the hostel but I don't recall anyone ever, for example, waking her up to say someone was sick in the night. It's so precarious - like you HAVE to stay on the good side of the matron because she could make your life hell.

When my brother turned six I went to go and find him and tell him it was his birthday. He didn't know; no-one else had thought to tell him.

I realise I am effectively describing a prison! It's the truth, though - and it's balanced by a bunch of positive stuff, of course it is, but I tell you what I am so so so glad I am here to help my little DC in the middle of the night if they need me.

I'm going to come at it from a different angle. My mum was a teacher in a day/boarding school and regularly had to do late night & weekend boarding duty. She also ran the school Theatre and so was involved in late night rehearsals & productions. I know this is going to sound self-pitying , but I've grown up knowing that she always preferred to spend time with other people's children than with me. I'm a SAHM now. My kids come first.

We had a oaylhone and could ribg home whenever we wanted, reverse charges. people didn’t use phones very much in those days and many homes didn’t have one and used the red box payphones instead.
We slept 4 to a centrally heated well furnished dormitory and it was all very ‘homely’ and secure. We weren’t physically or emotionally neglected. It wasn’t like Dotheboys Hall and I’m sorry not all boarding schoolers had such positive experiences but then not everyone
enjoyed school full-stop, as can be seen on the various mnetter threads

So - if you're ferociously independent, good at putting on a public face, sturggle to admit weakness or ask for help, struggle with trust, apparently extrovert but actually intensely insular/private, only able to relax when you're completely alone and accepting of the strange fact that while your parents might have loved you, you grew up in a hard and loveless place

[nods]

It’s like therapy this thread! I was only at boarding school for 3 years - 11-14, but am acutely aware that as my DD is now 11 I’m not sure how to “be” as a parent. I had the most awful experience with periods and lack of knowledge and have probably given poor old DD too much information to make up for what happened to me.

I was horrific aged 14-16 - after I left. Feel quite confident parenting my 14 yo!!

We were in large dorms in Y7 - 8 or 10 to a room. By Y9 they were down to 4 to a room.

I remember not understanding the bitchiness. There was no escape. My sister became a day girl due to merciless bullying. I don’t remember any kindness from staff, at best indifference.

I also don’t remember bring able to use the phone. Letters were devoured. This was almost 40 years ago.

I dont understand why the "it was marvellous, I'm not emotionally stunted" brigade are even here, if I am quite honest? This is about those who have experienced life struggles as a result (maybe? possibly? probably?) from boarding.

If you loved it, your kids love it, all's tickety boo then that's fantastic and I envy you your happiness with your decision and I hope it never reaches the levels of upset that it clearly does cause some/many people.

I do however stand by the fact that there is always a degree of emotional damage (notwithstanding abusive situations/a talent that really cannot be fostered anywhere else).

Because when you go to boarding school you are not able to see/speak to/hug the people who love you every day and to me that is a damaging process.

ohgood dont worry about parenting your teens, I found it absolutely the easiest bit! They are so funny and clever, and they have lovely teen friends. Mine are now 21 and almost 19, and watching them and their friends develop is just the most amazing experience.

We were not allowed to phone home - there was no payphone - and even if there was we had no money! And even if there was a phone my parents lived in 3rd world countries and phoning home would have been exceptional.

My parents were dedicated letter writers and I received letters frequently. But that is not the same as phone calls.

The only comfort then (although I probably didn't realise it at the time) was that we were all in the same boat and we thought it was normal. It has only been later on in life that I have come to realise how odd it all was.

I realise my circumstances are unique to me - the fact that I was at a boys school with only a handful of girls makes it even more so - but being away from home had a profound effect on me and I only feel it now. At the time I thought that was normal.

and god yes yes to the bottling it up. Stiff upper lip to the core. When DD1 was still at school she'd come home in a foul mood - and I would just wait for the explosion then she'd talk it out and we'd be cuddling and laughing in half an hour. When you are at boarding school you just cant do that, ringing your mum is just not the same...

nNina22 - do you mind me asking what age you were and whether it was all girls or mixed?

The only comfort then (although I probably didn't realise it at the time) was that we were all in the same boat and we thought it was normal. It has only been later on in life that I have come to realise how odd it all was.

A milllion times this too.

Yolofish - The Thread title says, 'Did you go to boarding school, come and talk to me'. If OP didn't want any other experiences apart from negative, then they should worded their thread accordingly.
You can't suggest everybody must have had/is having a negative experience.

Tiru I was 11-17 and it was mixed, which was seen as very enlightened in those days.

To the poster upthread who asked why people with positive experiences are contributing to this thread as it was for people who had negative experiences, I would ask them to read the OP.

While I accept that many posters had a horrible time and may have experienced repercussions long after, I resent the idea that we are all damaged and repressed. Don’t pity me. I don’t belong in that camp.
As I said before it was the best time of my life and I made lifelong male and female friends from all over the world.

I think there's a huge difference going to boarding school aged 7 than 11 and say having your parents nearby - or at least in the same country.

I don't believe everyone who went to boarding school is damaged. I also don't pity people who did go and had a wonderful time.

But I do feel empathy for those who did go, especially from a very young age and suffered from the experience.

You can't suggest everybody must have had/is having a negative experience.

That's what yolo is saying and anyone who claims to the contrary is told they are wrong.

Yes tiru18 I agree that 7 is too young. My parents lived all over the world, I went to many, many schools before I was 11 and my boarding school was the first stable environment I experienced. Added to this from an early age I knew I would be going to boarding school, it was always talked about in a positive way and all the children I knew were also destined for it. Going home in the holidays usually meant going to a different address each time. It wouldnt happen these says as there are international schools the world over. At the start of the school holidays many, many children filled passenger planes to Africa, Arabia and the Middle East in those days.

I went to boarding school aged 11, although before that I lived with relatives for 2 years because I couldn't live at home. My relatives were very emotionally detached from me so I feel that I lived away from home from the age of 9.

My first school was mixed aged 11- 16 and pretty basic facilities. We wrote letters every week and went home every half term, no exeat weekends of phone calls. There were no day pupils. My second school did have a pay phone but I never used it.
I feel I have suffered from the experience and so much of what the 'negative experience' posters have said resonates with me; being completely independent to the point of socially withdrawn, unable to trust others, depressed all my adult life and now increasingly anxious.

Of course, I also had the reason I was at school in the first place (family breakdown) as a factor in all this, but I dont think boarding helped.

My ds is grown and left home now, but I definitely felt so sad when he was at the age I was when I left home (9). I struggle to be warm and make a 'family' feeling which I know he craves, but he knows I love him and totally dedicated all my time to him when he was growing up, I was over protective to some extent.

I"m still suffering and I don't think I will ever be fixed.

but the OP's post is talking about her negative experience and asking others to talk to her about that. I think it is enormously valuable to have those feelings validated and that seems to me to be what she was asking for (sorry OP if I have got that wrong).

No one will ever change me from my belief that at least some degree of damage is caused by sending your young-ish children away from home to be cared for by strangers, to do their growing up in what is essentially an unnatural environment. Sorry about that... well not sorry actually, "sorry about that" is caused by learning to put up and shut up from the age of 10.

Everything in your post of 16:35 OhGood sums up my life during and after being sent away to school.

I've never got over it, I was there from age 7 to age 16 and by the time I was 12 I'd stopped begging them to let me come home.

I didn't know there was such a 'thing' as boarding school syndrome. in fact I don't call what I went through boarding school because it felt, to me, so much more like exile than anything aimed at education (there is a back story but not for here) .