Did you go to boarding school? Come and talk to me

[OhGood]

I went to boarding school from 7, as did my brother from 5.

My DD and DS are now at these exact ages and I am suddenly being sideswiped by my feelings about this. I keep remembering how unhappy I was, and how hard I had to try to suppress my feelings when I was little, and I have a dawning awareness of how this unhappiness has probably impacted me for all of my life.

I can see how much my DCs need me and DH still, and I can't square this with being sent off to a very strict, old-fashioned school - no contact with parents except weekly letters, and only allowed out 1 weekend a month, etc. Slightly embarrassed about the strength of my emotions.

If you had a similar experience, I would love to know what you think, and how you're feeling about it now.

If you've had these feelings and resolved them, how did you do it? I don't want to wallow in this, but I feel I must do something to work through it.

I did. From the age of 11 until 18. In all honesty the best days of my life. Great education and friends for life. Not scarred in any way whatsoever.

but dancing (and others) OP clearly has been affected? so what is the point of saying how marvellous boarding school is?

I didnt hate it, but I do think there can be longer term repercussions - and those who suffer them have a right to explore them and see if others feel the same way too.

My parents were wartime children and went away to school at 5 and 7 as evacuees. We were sent to strict religious schools at 10, 8, 7 and 8. I spent 9 years arguing with nuns. I thrived for most of it although I was desperate to get away for A levels to a school with decent science teaching but sadly failed. Like many others I became unemotional and very rational. When I went to counselling many years later it was the first thing the therapist picked up on. From my reading children either become distressed and sad and collapse or put on a brave face and appear to thrive cheerfully, being told how lucky they are and what a sacrifice their family has made for them to have such a good start. For me it was a double life with an outward conventional successful life while I hid my feelings and emotions. It has taken many years to stop dissembling and show how I really feel.
Some of the survivors are still in denial and haven't ever admitted to themselves how it has affected them.

I went to boarding school from age 11.
My DS has just started school.Private but not boarding.There is no way I could be apart from him.

I think it's a pity OP had a bad experience and feels how she does. However sometimes we are all guilty of trying to attribute how we feel to one event or one situation. Maybe it wasn't boarding school per se, or just that school in particular.

It made me tough.English isn't even my first language so it was like entering a different world.
I totally understand what you are saying about your feelings.
Even though my DS is at a beautiful private school, a couple of times I've walked in and just for a second I am back at my school and my mind starts to wander.
I'm constantly telling my DS I love him and checking everything is ok at school.

I was sent to boarding school at 8-16. Really enjoyed myself from 13+. Was very unhappy at 8. Since having my children, I have really struggled to understand how my parents/ why my parents could have done it to me at that young age. I can't discuss it with my Mum as I feel like it would create such hurt on both sides and any answer she gave me would not be enough. Totally get how you are feeling op. I think it has affected me for life. You are not on your own feeling this way.

Reading this with interest. One of mine is at boarding school (went aged 13), and absolutely loves it. XH wanted to send him at 7/8, but I refused point blank even to discuss it (and XH is a nutjob: he went at 6 and was desperately miserable and damaged by it. He went for several years without a single visit from his parents). It's interesting, though, that I have gone from spending all day, every day with the DC (they didn't go to nursery or even to school for a while, as I was happy to teach them at home) to packing them off to board a long way from home.

That said: if DS had given it a good try and hated it, I'd have had him back home like a shot.

I recommend reading

The making of them , nick duffell
Joy schaverein boarding school syndrome,

We swore, both DH and I, that no child of ours would go away at 8 and fortunately we weren’t in jobs that meant it was necessary. My parents were, moving frequently, unstable regimes etc. We also swore that our child should have the final say. I loved my prep school but was homesick, I loathed my secondary school, DH hated both his though tbh I doubt there were many other schools where he would have thrived.

Plus and minuses. I’’ve never feared being on my own, I can eat almost anything, I can close my ears to outer distraction, I can appear to get on with most people, I can put on a mask of jollity and pleasure instantly. Not saying that these aren’t equally possible under a day school system, just trying to think of some benefits.

There are some really sad stories here, I’m so sorry that some people had such awful experiences. I do feel the need to defend modern boarding though; not to detract from OP’s struggle - but to answer those who say why would anyone send their children away.. It’s a completely different set up now with parents very much part of school life and the most fantastic pastoral care. The stories above bear very little relation to the experience nowadays.. thank god.

I went from 11-14, and have very unhappy memories of it. We were only allowed to wash our hair once a week. During puberty. I washed my hair twice a day throughout my late teens and twenties.

I’d not send my DC for all the tea in China

I boarded from 9 and wasn’t particularly happy or unhappy, just relieved to be away from my mother.

I do have a bit of a public mask but I’m much better at explaining to people that it’s learned behaviour and I’m actually not the life and soul but a bit of an introvert at heart.

The game face has served me well in lots of ways - especially career wise. I wouldn’t have said boo to a goose before boarding school and had zero confidence/social skills.
Learning to fake it has given me confidence over the years and I’m fairly comfortable with the balance I’ve achieved.

It’s taken time to get here though. The experience did damage me but I think staying at home would have been worse in my case.

ach justkeepswimming that's what I really really dont get: the need to defend the pastoral care nowdays - yes I'm sure it's all wonderful, but the bottom line for us survivors is why on on earth would it be necessary in all but the least number of cases? Nothing will convince me that boarding is a good thing unless there are significant home problems or some truly exceptional talent and ambition that cant be fostered in a day school environment.

I am so sorry to read about some of the unhappy experiences PPs have suffered but I just wanted to say that not all children are miserable at boarding school and for very many it can be an enriching and hugely positive experience.

As I've said, I loved boarding school...what I hated were the reasons.
I'm sure your dc love the schools that their at, I'm happy to take you at your word that they demanded to board. The question that some will ask on this thread is 'did they demand to board because they really wanted to board, or did they demand to board because they couldn't tolerate the lack of stability?'. However much they like their schools and asked to be there, it's that second part that years down the line has the potential to cause problems (ones they won't necessarily become aware of for years to come).

I boarded for 2 years aged 13-15 I really loved it but I had a dreadful childhood up until that point. I actually was a day pupil but my house mistress seeing how bad things were at home arranged for me to stay at school I am so grateful to her. I was beyond devastated when she left and the arrangement stopped. I can't see a reason why I would need to send my DDs and I wouldn't want to unless there was a very specific reason.
None of my friends who boarded would send their own DC, the school was pretty great but they missed out a family life/love/security/home. Some of them are deeply affected by it and it impacts the way they parent. All of them don't have close relationships with any of their parents and none of them live near their families. They are all very independent but also pretty insular/private. In some ways thats positive as they have all travelled/lived/worked abroad but in another its quite sad. I am an exception after my mum divorced my abusive step father and many years of figuring stuff out my family and I are very close but I haven't done half the travel or climbing the social/corporate ladder they all have.

Dh and I both boarded. He I think would defend his experience to a point, although it was tough, but he had a warm relationship with his parents and still does. I had a terrible home life and was desperate to get away - I was miserable at school, but probably less miserable than I would have been at home.

It was not on our radar at all for our children, although one of them ended up boarding at 14 at a state boarding school, mainly because of a house move. It was his choice, there were other options open to us, but he was very clear that this was what he wanted to do, to avoid the disruption of having to move mid-year depending on the vagaries of house move logistics. It seems to be workign for him, and has a number of practical advantages. He can come home any weekend, so it's not like old-style boarding in that way. Both dh and I have watched very carefully for that 'sunday afternoon sinking feeling', but have not been able to detect any sign - dc always seems to be very cheery going back after the weekend.

In terms of pastoral care, the need is not so much for helping children get over homesickness, as a very detailed awareness on the part of the staff of individual children's personalities, what they are good at and what they find difficult, and thoughtful support with inter-personal relationships and encouragement to branch out and make the most of the opportunities available to them. So to that extent it's very very different from 1980s boarding, where pastoral care was not any kind of a thing, and the staff didn't give two hoots about the emotional wellbeing of the dc.

I don't think I'm trying to defend it as a choice, although it does still feel odd to us to be the parents of a boarder, and it's not something we would have chosen outside this very particular set of circumstances, largely driven by the child's clearly stated preferences. It seems to be working for our family at the moment though, weird as it sometimes seems. I woudln't countenance it at all for a younger child, but I think a 14yo is probably old enough to have a bit more idea of what they're getting into. And he knew the decision could be reversed at any time, which also changes the equation I think.

Clearly boarding school is a bad experience for some, but equally that is not universal. I went at almost 11 and enjoyed it - and I don't think it has affected my relationship with my family negatively.

But 5 and 7 is terribly young. Not something I could fathom really now. I'm not surprised you are struggling with it now that your children are that age.

I weekly boarded (mon-thurs nights at school, fri-Sun nights at home) age 9-14. I enjoyed it I think, although weekly boarding is very different than termly. I think stopping at 14 was a good move as well. My parents did it for my education, but I’m surprised really. When mine were 9 they seemed tiny. I can’t imagine any of mine boarding (they’re all teens now).

I was quite intense in my late teens/early 20’s - that may have been a boarding hang up.

I went from 11-13. It was traumatic. That sounds as if I'm being sarcastic but it's literally true. It has affected me all my life.

My demons definitely came out in my late teens and early twenties too Devilish.

I only really sorted myself out properly in my 30s when having DC forced me to confront things.

DH boarded (miserably) from eight and we’ve always said we’d let our children decide for themselves once they finished (local state) primary.

DS1 looked into it for A-levels but changed his mind. The younger ones are still too small.

If any of them do decide to board, it will be with the caveat that they could stop at any time.

It doesn't matter how good boarding schools' pastoral care is to me, because even highly professional, sensitive care is not love. Love is what matters.

If you are boarding and seeing lots of your family still, that's obviously a different matter. But full boarding and seeing your folks/ siblings for 2 hours on a sunday.. its not something Id want not for my kids.

Andro, an interesting question- they wanted to board as they attended several schools due to our respective jobs. And without being too outing, my H and I are in roles where we are frequently away from home for protracted periods (not simultaneously) sometimes in parts of the world that are not benign. They were all adept at school moves and our eldest daughter in particular did enjoy meeting new people and the excitement of a school move, but in the end all wanted the opportunity to establish a routine and know that they were settled academically and friendship-group wise for the remainder of their education.

But in respect of your observation that a lack of 'stability' may cause problems for them
long-term, they all frequently comment that they enjoy travelling to and spending their (long!) holidays wherever we are in the world, yet have the fixed mark that is their school back in the UK. They have fantastic relationships with their House and other pastoral staff and my DP's and wider family also live near their boarding school. I reiterate that the thought of any child being miserable at school is dreadful and had any of mine been so then we would have removed them, but for my DC it has been a wholly positive experience.

The point about love is so true

I never felt abandoned and I have a good relationship with my parents BUT

I remember being very unhappy and silently crying myself to sleep a lot

No one there loved me. That’s the bottom line

You are removed from your safety blanket - your parents

I boarded weekly from 10 and full time from 11. Loved it and have never had any negative issues from the experience. My dc will board (weekly or full time depending on which school then get into) from age 13. They are excited about the idea. I'm sorry to hear that others didn't enjoy it as much.

Yeah it’s interesting @SleightOfMind Now well into my 40’s I’m very (boringly) stable, and am very robust (severely disabled adult child - have been put to the test frequently), but my late teens/early twenties were quite painful and I was very needy. I don’t know how much of that is usual for that age. I am pleased I didn’t termly board. I do think my weekly boarding was very different from termly.