Did you go to boarding school? Come and talk to me

[OhGood]

I went to boarding school from 7, as did my brother from 5.

My DD and DS are now at these exact ages and I am suddenly being sideswiped by my feelings about this. I keep remembering how unhappy I was, and how hard I had to try to suppress my feelings when I was little, and I have a dawning awareness of how this unhappiness has probably impacted me for all of my life.

I can see how much my DCs need me and DH still, and I can't square this with being sent off to a very strict, old-fashioned school - no contact with parents except weekly letters, and only allowed out 1 weekend a month, etc. Slightly embarrassed about the strength of my emotions.

If you had a similar experience, I would love to know what you think, and how you're feeling about it now.

If you've had these feelings and resolved them, how did you do it? I don't want to wallow in this, but I feel I must do something to work through it.

One of my children has gone boarding at 11, it was a very hard choice for us but we believe as a family the right thing for him so far. He knows, and I tell him often, that he can leave and go back to a day school anytime as his happiness is paramount.

I get scared when I read these reports, I hope we are doing the right thing. He knows we all love him and miss him. He does come home every other long weekend, eg Friday lunchtime to Monday night.

I do constantly worry, especially after reading these reports...

I was a day pupil, my df was sexually abused and his brother too at a top boarding school, so they never wanted me to board. I preferred coming home, but if your children and very social and out going they may feel like they are missing out being a day pupil. Also the best schools are mainly boarding only.

Another one here who feels damaged by the boarding experience, and where it came to a head when I had my own children.

I was sent on my twelfth birthday, and hated it with a passion. Home was only forty minutes away and no history of boarding,

I really recognise the difficulty of showing emotion, surface resilience and unhealthy self reliance.

I also struggle to know what’s “normal”for teens, having been away from home since then.

My relationship with my parents is distant, as others have said. I do not feel I have a family as such as I only lived with them for eleven of my forty six years.

I try very hard to create a warm and loving home, with lots of affection. I also have my kids’ backs, and just don’t understand how my parents could ignore my dreadful sadness. Which I duly learned to hide, as it and no impact.

I’ve had some counselling, which has really helped. But although it’s sad to see all these posts here, it does make me feel better to know others have the same experience, even so much later in life.

Hi, No sadly I do mean age 2 (almost 3) apparently there are some schools that will accept children at that age into the nursery and at the boarding house's agreement. This was mid 90's so not all that long ago.

This was a complicated situation parents job was government based but overseas. I know she agrees with the comments on here about feeling isolated from the real World etc and its definitely impacted on her life today, she can be needy, seeks reassurance and doesn't have a good relationship with the parent involved BUT they insist she was lucky and it was the right choice.

I think as long as you still maintain an active involvement in the child's life and ensure they are socialised well away from the 'bubble' private School can become then it can work. Age is also a massive factor, few people realise that some Schools will take children that young if the need arises and the funds etc are in place.

Its very sad really.

vendee 2 years old, wtf.... that's unbearable.

I know Yolofish (sorry new not sure how to tag) its something she struggles with alot and i'm sure always will. She has clear memories of being in the boarding house around 4. She's also adamant that she would never send her own child/ren to a boarding School and is hugely against them.

As mentioned this was a very upper class London/Surrey based school and lots of the children had little contact with parents as were like her looked after by nannies during school holidays. i think the real impact of a negative experience of boarding School lasts a lifetime and as parents see the academic achievements they struggle to grasp how much it can (NOT in all cases) effect children in later life. She has little concept of growing up in a 'normal home etc'

I know my gf (same sex couple) struggles with goodbyes, controlling emotions and not putting on an act of its all ok alot.

The only slight saving grace for her is that her brother was also sent at an even younger age at the same time so they can talk about it however his experiences were very different and he has stayed in the private school sector.

It’s a completely different set up now with parents very much part of school life and the most fantastic pastoral care

Yes you are absolutely right - I work in boarding and everyone does as much as they to make it amazing.

But it isn't home and it isn't with your family who love you.

vendee she also sounds very mature and as if she is working things out in her own way. I don't 'hate' my parents for sending us, I just find it unthinkable. I respect DH's parents for their decision a lot less, basically they found him hard to handle so stayed at home in their little bubble with his golden child sister while he got sent to a Jesuit institution (not keen on the Jesuits! my lot were Sacred Heart so still pretty up there in the god stakes tho. Funnily enough we are both atheists but that's a different topic I guess!)

My DH boarded from 8 and says he's glad he did - it gave him a lot of stability and security that his parents couldn't. He has massively fond memories of his House Master who I think was more of a father figure than his own and he says he thinks he'd be much less emotionally stable without that.

Both my parents went to boarding school from 8 and were wonderful and loving people. So my experience of adults raised in that system is good. I boarded briefly in my teens and hated it, but I think that was me - I hated school in general. I don't think boarding has to be abusive.

My DF boarded from 11 - army family so he only saw his parents a couple of times a year for the main school holidays. He didn’t hate it but never wanted that type of childhood for me and my sisters. We all went to day school and no way would I have sent my DT’s to board.

Does anyone remember the books of the fifties and sixties
Mallory towers rings a bell and there were others all boarding school based.
It sounded fun to me, as that’s how they were written, but at my young age , I was happy to be raised where I was in avwarm loving home with my mum and dad.
I was brought up on a council est, no way could boarding school have entered the picture thankfully!

Yes and Hogwarts/Harry Potter is the modern equivalent

Fine for Harry & Neville who are without parents.....

I accept boarding might be a better option for forces families or families abroad in dangerous countries but my folks lived ten miles down the road from my school. Why the fuck they thought that it would be 'good' for me when there was no earthly need to send me there I don't know.

What I do know is that I feel I had a young childhood relationship with my parents but I skipped out on going through adolescence with them. Lucky them perhaps . All those life learning experiences, battles and discussions that most teenagers go through with their parents somewhere in the background happened away from home. First period, first boyfriend, smoking, drinking, parties, exams - everything that's normal teen stuff happened out of their sight and of course I told them nothing. Then as an adult off I went to uni, then lived abroad and never really got to know them as people properly. I still never tell them anything that isn't nice.

I'm sure if I'd been at home while doing the horrible teen years we would have had some major bust ups but I would have had a much closer adult relationship with them too.

wot haffdonga said, in spades!!

I went off to uni after boarding school and then moved immediately to Asia and still have a very close relationship with my parents and know them as well as you can know another person. I think Haffdonga the problem was not boarding school, maybe more your parents personalities? My mum and dad are currently asleep in my spare room, visiting for long periods to help me with my latest baby. They live 4 hrs away but come at the drop of a hat and arrive with food for the freezer and unlimited help. Even when I lived abroad they were always still my security, though I didn't need them, they were always there for me. 6 yrs of boarding school made zero difference to that.

I think the problem is the families you describe, not the attendance at boarding school. My family was very loving and involved in my life. Even during my years away at school.

I went to boarding school from 11-17. Loved every minute of it and fought desperately against my parents wanting to take me away for financial reasons.
I made friends for life and 40 years on we still keep in touch through social media and meet ups. I know boarding school wouldn’t suit everyone but equally some people like my dh had a very unhappy homelife and would probably have benefited from being away

to an extent dapplegrey yes I do think damage occurs.

Yolofish - there must be hundreds of thousands of people alive who went to boarding school, some of whom liked it and some of whom didn't.
Isn't it pretty arrogant of you to decide on the psychological state of every single one of these?

I've no idea if its an arrogant assumption or not dapplegrey. But I am telling from my own experience, that of my family and I guess around 100 people I am still in touch with from my boarding school days. So while not data its not exactly anecdote from my sister's cousin's neighbour's cat either.

I dont think its anything to do with 'liking' or 'not liking' boarding either, I've said already I didnt mind mine that much and we had some good times and made some fantastic friendships.

What I think it's about (and of course maybe I'm being arrogant in stating my own position) is that sending a young, or even a not so young, child away from home is virtually always going to lead to some issues, potentially much further down the line than people could possibly anticipate. EG I was sent at 10; I now care for my 87 year old DM and the child's voice in me says "but you sent me away at 10..." That's not something that could have been anticipated IMO.

It would be difficult or impossible to split out the boarding decision from the circumstances/attitudes that led to that decision, though.

Jane boarded because her mother died and her father worked stupid hours as a neurologist - was it the bereavement or the separation that caused her long term difficulties? Would she have been equally miserable with a live-in nanny and still no mother and minimal contact with her father?

Anna boarded because her mother hated her - she disliked her school but would she actually have been happier at home being spoken to spitefully?

And a million other different circumstances. Of course in general a child is better off with its parents, but if those parents can't or won't parent, then boarding school can be the lesser evil and even a positive thing.

why do the boarding school apologists need to defend their own experience?
Because saying that every child that boarded is damaged for life is a hell of a generalisation.

He wasnt. But his Dsis was never sent away - guess what their relationship is like now?
Another anecdote: some neighbours of my parents sent their eldest son to Harrow. Then they were financially wiped out by the Lloyds insurance affair in the 1980s so their younger son went to the local state school. The younger boy has resented his elder brother ever since, even though his parents would've sent him to Harrow if they'd been able to.

This resonates very deeply with me and it's both comforting and sad to see so many experiences mirroring my own.

I have had quite a bit of counselling/therapy and great support from my partner, but reading this thread had made me cry and I wonder if I'm always going to be really sad about it.

I wasn't unhappy at school. It was only later that I realised there are important parts of my emotional development that didn't happen properly.

It is difficult to talk about.

yolofish you say you are in touch with 100 fellow students who were damaged in some way because of their boarding school experiences. Do you think it was because of your particular boarding school regime?

I can honestly say that my boarding school was the best experience of my lfe and I was desolate to leave. It may have been because it was a small day and boarding school with only about 60-70 boarders 11-18year olds so we all bonded really well and the boarding house teachers really seemed to care for us to the extent many teachers and ex pupils are facebook friends.
I never had a days homesickness and counted down the days in the holidays until it was time to go back.

My emotional development was fully covered 'despite' boarding school. I honestly think all these people who say boarding school damaged them were avtuakly damaged by their parents. My parents made sure to be still present for everything important, contact regularly and let me know I was very missed at home and that our time together was precious to them. And also that the reason for me going was to get a better education than I could get locally at the time. I never ever felt abandoned or like I wasn't wanted at home, mu Mum was very clear that she hated us heading back.

OK so 10 people I know who went to different boarding schools. The other 90 - varying degrees of closeness in how well I know them now - at same school as me.

Our regime was not particularly oppressive - nuns, but we were very naughty and didnt take a great deal of notice of the rules. Like I said earlier most of us didnt hate it, we had a lot of fun. But we all agree to one level or another that there was collateral damage along the way. And I think only 2 or 3 have chosen to send their own children to board.

Was it Philip Larkin who said "they fuck you up your mum and dad"? I guess its kind of inevitable that we get fucked up a bit along the way in life, but for ME and I think many others on this thread, avoiding boarding school for our children is one way of not doing it - I'm sure we all do others.

First period, first boyfriend, smoking, drinking, parties, exams - everything that's normal teen stuff happened out of their sight

Haff - I find this a bit strange. I do have a ds at boarding school. What was the structure of your boarding school like? did you never get time to go home at all?

Also, first period could've happened anywhere, it could be at school, day school, the market, at a party etc So that's neither here nor there.

First boyfriend: My parents never met my first boyfriend. I never boarded. Same thing with smoking, drinking etc surely all these could've happened with them not knowing anyway even if you were a day student because they aren't things young people usually want their parents to know. I think its a bit much blaming all this on boarding school.