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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP's "friend" - long and rambly sorry.

121 replies

MoaneyBoney · 04/02/2018 14:37

When I first started dating DP he mentioned he had a female friend and he really hoped he could continue the friendship if we became more serious as previous girlfriends had made that impossible. I took this information at face value and said it's nice to have platonic friends of the opposite sex etc etc.

As we continued dating bits of further info were drip fed. Here are few bits of info:

they have slept together on and off in the past
he's had romantic feelings for her
she kept him "on the hook" for years
he's put her before other GFs taking her to see a comedian
their regular meet ups were always in his house or her car (for drives out)
their "friendship" doesn't seem to continue well if either of them are in relationships
DP had asked her if she wanted to date him at a point when they were both single and she turned him down (I think more than once)
when we set our facebook profiles to being in a relationship with each other she was apparently quite upset with him!

We also had a xmas where he'd been seeing her less and she bought him a pointed xmas gift which referenced how they had met oh so long ago, after him saying that in previous years he'd either not received a gift or received something impersonal. It felt like a passive aggressive neon sign on his mantelpiece.

When we moved in together I eventually laid all this out on the table and told him he'd hidden the nature of their "friendship", that I would NOT have been as okay with the situation given all the info and that I was not happy with the situation eg them meeting up for cosy movie nights etc. I questioned why they never met up out of the house for a coffee, or with other friends, or why I'd met every one of his other friends but not this one.

He said he understood why I felt uncomfortable. That was about a year and a half ago. Since then as far as I know they've not met up but have had the odd message exchange.

So not to the present. Last night DP said "friend" is moving out of town soon to move in with her current boyfriend and that he'd like to meet up and have a catch up with her before she moves.

I feel like he's still carrying a torch for her, they have a sexual history and attraction and affection. I think in a way it's worse than an actual ex you've been in a relationship with as this friend has never actually committed to a relationship with him so it's like what could have been / unfinished business. From what I can gather they've been friends with the odd few spates of friends with benefits in the mix (until DP has asked for more and been rebuffed). I'm not sure when they actually met but I gather they've been doing this friends, sex partners, not friends, friends merry go round for about a decade!!!

I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts on this. I'm not a jealous person by nature. DP has tonnes of male and female friends and often socialises without me (as do I with my friends who all just happen to be female). I went to bed with a pit of worry in my stomach and woke up with the same feeling.

OP posts:

Cloudyapples · 04/02/2018 14:42

Him putting her before a gf would be a deal breaker for me, although t does sound like he has backed off from the friendship since you got together and moved in? My do had a close female friend with a history of romantic feelings (on his side I know about, and I suspect in her side too). Since we’ve been together he has seen less of her and i also made it v clear he wasn’t to have her in or one without me present. The one on one meetings at houses rather than public places would make me uncomfortable.

Cloudyapples · 04/02/2018 14:43

Also could it be that she has always seen him as her ‘plan b’ should things not work out with other people? Hence keeping him on the hook for so long and the passive aggressive gift?

AnachronisticCorpse · 04/02/2018 14:43

You’ve never met her? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Cloudyapples · 04/02/2018 14:44

Also could you try a reverse on dp? Make him see if he had treated another person they way she has treated him it wouldn’t be acceptable? So why is he still giving her any of his time or energy?

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2018 14:44

I'm usually the first to say it's fine to have friends of the opposite sex, but this is something else entirely.

However if he is going to cheat or end it he will do so, irrelevant if you try to ban him seeing her. As she is moving in with her partner and he is living with you, I suspect it's limited risk.

I'd let him go, trying to prevent it could ultimately cause so much resentment and problems and so many more if he just went.

I think uou need to roll the dice.

Picklepickle123 · 04/02/2018 14:46

It's refreshing to hear that you've been open and honest with each other. He seems to have a soft spot for her, at least from the information you've provided. Is he asking or telling you that he's going to hang out with her? Personally I would let him go, especially as since you had your 'talk' with him, he's not spent a lot of time with her anyway.

Pythoness · 04/02/2018 14:51

Is she attractive?

Sassylady69 · 04/02/2018 14:51

Speaking from experience I agree with Bluntness. At least he has been honest and open with you though.

ijustwannadance · 04/02/2018 14:52

She doesn't want him but she wants him there just in case.
She knows he wanted more and uses that to keep him hanging on.

Original poster

MoaneyBoney · 04/02/2018 14:57

No he didn't ask or even ask how I felt about it. I asked if he had discussed it with her back when I raised it and he said yes he had and she understood. He then started talking about her boyfriends job and why friend was moving etc which I felt was a distraction from me continuing to vebalise as to how I felt about it.

We've been together 3 years and I've met all his other friends (he has lots, he's a very friendly sociable person) and they're all nice. He doesn't seem to be falling over himself to introduce this one.

Yes I do think he has been her Plan B. or even just has enjoyed knowing he really likes her and she can control the situation. I know they have had spells of not being in touch and then just picked up where they left off.

I also suspect he may have slept with her in our early dating days before we became official/exclusive, which in itself is fine when two people aren't exclusive but given that he hasn't said so and that she was upset when he announced we were a couple is a bit hmm.....

I agree if he was moved to be unfaithful me not being happy with them meeting up wouldn't stop things.

I've never felt so insecure and I hate it! I genuinely thought he'd put the friendship to a minimum so it really threw me yesterday when he brought her up.

OP posts:

Original poster

MoaneyBoney · 04/02/2018 14:59

Pythoness yes she is attractive, and I feel much less attractive at the moment as I've put weight on and am working a 50hr week plus looking after my DS who has special needs. I feel tired and fat so I'm not in the best place confidence wise.

OP posts:

Lanaorana2 · 04/02/2018 15:00

Go with him to the farewell fest if you can.

And cheer up - if it hasn't happened by now between them, I doubt it will ever. Yep, there's history, and he probably fancies her more than she does him, but that's life on a stick and he's been honest about it.

Sassylady69 · 04/02/2018 15:01

I had a similar situation with my then husband of 10 years. We had been together 21 years though. In 2014, this ‘friend’ appeared from nowhere and he wasn’t falling over himself to introduce me either. He used to want to go to her house for catch ups and things and I used to kick against it but it didn’t stop him. Thus me saying you’re better off letting him go than causing lots of problems for yourself xx

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2018 15:02

Well the good news is it's one evening then she's moving away.

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2018 15:04

Oh and I wouldn't insist on going with him, that would be awkward and very clingy.

Sassylady69 · 04/02/2018 15:07

Again I agree with bluntness100

AnyFucker · 04/02/2018 15:13

I simply would not stay with someone who made me feel insecure. He isn't making you happy, no matter what the reason is.

I would also massively lose respect for someone who acts like such a pathetic puppy dog, hanging around for any small bone (arf) from another woman. He comes across as a loser, sniffing around a player that just has to crook her little finger and he wags his little tail

Not the man for me, and I suspect if your self respect was a little higher, not for you either

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2018 15:16

I don't think it's fair to say that's how he is behaving, he's pretty much let the relationship cool and this is one evening as she is moving away. Feeling insecure is natural due to their shared history.

Op, also organise a night out for yourself when he sees her. Make yourself look and feel fabulous. Don't sit at home drinking wine from thr bottle and singing " all by myself" in your jammies aka Bridget Jones. Go out and have fun. Give him something to think about,

Original poster

MoaneyBoney · 04/02/2018 15:16

Yeah I wont be insisting on him not going or on me not going along.
I just don't like the situation one bit and it hurts that he knows I will be uncomfortable but will still be doing it.

Yes I agree if something was going to happen it would have but knowing that the person deciding it hasn't happened ISN'T my dp doesn't make me feel any better. It's not him that's been turning down them being a couple but her.

OP posts:

Original poster

MoaneyBoney · 04/02/2018 15:20

It's like he always wants that tiny possibility to be there and she's happy to keep their stupid cycle going.

It's like that episode in How I Met Your Mother about being "on the hook".

The more I think about the more upset I am as to the fact he knows my feelings and I've been honest and open about it, yet he's still happy to shove my feelings aside for this person who has never committed to him, not been happy he's in a good relationship, not wanted to meet me etc.

OP posts:

petbear · 04/02/2018 15:36

As I have said before on several threads, it's a bit odd when a female 'friend' of a man in a marriage or relationship doesn't know his wife/girlfriend. It raises loads of red flags.

My husband has a number of female friends (mostly colleagues,) and I know them all, and socialise with some of them. If he were to say he wants to go for a drink or a meal (alone,) with a female friend, and I didn't know her, and had never met her, I would be very uncomfortable with this, and suspicious, and I would not allow it.

Same if the situation were reversed. No WAY would he have me tootling off with some random man he didn't know, going out with him, and cosying up to him, with no-one else there.

Anyone who says they are OK with their husband or boyfriend spending time ALONE with a woman they don't know, is a liar.

Offred · 04/02/2018 15:40

She isn’t a friend. This is not what friendship looks like. He is infatuated with her and she clearly enjoys stringing him along.

I’m not surprised at all other GFs have not tolerated this.

Offred · 04/02/2018 15:44

And I don’t think it is about ‘things happening’ either. It’s about the fact that he clearly doesn’t understand about boundaries and he clearly doesn’t care about other people’s feelings; not this woman he is infatuated with who he keeps following around like a puppy despite her telling him repeatedly she isn’t interested and not the growing number of actual girlfriends who are being hurt by never really being able to match up to fantasy girl.

Original poster

MoaneyBoney · 04/02/2018 15:48

I don't know what to do. Other than this things are great! We have a lovely life together, he's a great, hands on step dad to my son, and we are meant to be TTC soon. However the TTC bit will NOT be happening while I feel like this. I genuinely thought he'd closed the book on this whole thing with his "friend".

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2018 15:51

Op, it's one evening, she is moving away. They have been friends for a decade. Just go out and have fun yourself.

Please do not let some people on here talk you over the ledge. Your relationship is good, you have a future planned, he has cooled thr relationship out of deference to you, he wants to say goodbye as she's moving away and in with her partner.

Just go out and have fun.

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