DP's "friend" - long and rambly sorry.

[MoaneyBoney]

When I first started dating DP he mentioned he had a female friend and he really hoped he could continue the friendship if we became more serious as previous girlfriends had made that impossible. I took this information at face value and said it's nice to have platonic friends of the opposite sex etc etc.

As we continued dating bits of further info were drip fed. Here are few bits of info:

• they have slept together on and off in the past
• he's had romantic feelings for her
• she kept him "on the hook" for years
• he's put her before other GFs taking her to see a comedian
• their regular meet ups were always in his house or her car (for drives out)
• their "friendship" doesn't seem to continue well if either of them are in relationships
• DP had asked her if she wanted to date him at a point when they were both single and she turned him down (I think more than once)
• when we set our facebook profiles to being in a relationship with each other she was apparently quite upset with him!

We also had a xmas where he'd been seeing her less and she bought him a pointed xmas gift which referenced how they had met oh so long ago, after him saying that in previous years he'd either not received a gift or received something impersonal. It felt like a passive aggressive neon sign on his mantelpiece.

When we moved in together I eventually laid all this out on the table and told him he'd hidden the nature of their "friendship", that I would NOT have been as okay with the situation given all the info and that I was not happy with the situation eg them meeting up for cosy movie nights etc. I questioned why they never met up out of the house for a coffee, or with other friends, or why I'd met every one of his other friends but not this one.

He said he understood why I felt uncomfortable. That was about a year and a half ago. Since then as far as I know they've not met up but have had the odd message exchange.

So not to the present. Last night DP said "friend" is moving out of town soon to move in with her current boyfriend and that he'd like to meet up and have a catch up with her before she moves.

I feel like he's still carrying a torch for her, they have a sexual history and attraction and affection. I think in a way it's worse than an actual ex you've been in a relationship with as this friend has never actually committed to a relationship with him so it's like what could have been / unfinished business. From what I can gather they've been friends with the odd few spates of friends with benefits in the mix (until DP has asked for more and been rebuffed). I'm not sure when they actually met but I gather they've been doing this friends, sex partners, not friends, friends merry go round for about a decade!!!

I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts on this. I'm not a jealous person by nature. DP has tonnes of male and female friends and often socialises without me (as do I with my friends who all just happen to be female). I went to bed with a pit of worry in my stomach and woke up with the same feeling.

Its not just the sex texts.
Its the 'bad times' comment - seriously, he threatened to end the relationship if you didn't trust him after finding inappropriate and creepy messages? He can fuck right off with that manipulative shit. And he insists in maintaining a relationship which is (justly) causing you significant upset?

Your situation is tricky, particularly with DC in the mix but you have every right to be extremely pissed off and consider your options carefully. This guy's loyalty to you & DS is less than ideal.

He's putting his own, and her, feelings before yours, in a situation that very much involves you. That would not be acceptable to most people.

It's your decision on whether you can live with that, and with his continued friendship with her, given that you now know he still thinks of her in a sexual way and that he actively stops you and her from meeting.

He sounds jealous of her boyfriend. If he was just a friend to her you'd think he'd be pleased that she has a boyfriend, wouldn't you, rather than taking digs at the guy?

I wouldn't trust either of them.

I hate that he's making you appear unreasonable.

You're not.

You don't trust him because his behavior is untrustworthy. Deep-down he knows this. What he does next will tell you how much he values you.

I know a woman like the woman friend in this scenario, she leaves her 'male friend' ie a date that didn't go further, on the boil, or dangling as she feeds of their attention. She is the flame, they are the moth. He is hoping one day she will wake and realise its true love (she won't) and for her, his attention is like a drug, it feeds her ego.

It is quite horrible to witness - she accepts expensive gifts but will never want to be with him.

I would leave them to it - the comment about the 'bad times' is enough warning, he is telling you where you stand, which is nowhere.

He sounds like a drama llama - he likes this situation and deep down feels comfortable playing this needy “gamma male chasing after rejecting woman” role.

I’ve dated guys who were more “into me than I was into them” , sexually I dazzled them. Etc (yeah I was young and hot once )

None of them wanted to be friends afterwards - the thing about guys with self respect is they’d rather invest their limited time and resources and energy into the woman and life they have in front of them than have weird set ups with women they don’t know very well.

Even if I was nominally “hotter” than the women they entered into committed relationships with, that’s just not how men with decent self esteem operate- they’re not desperate groupies.

It’s not really to do with the friend either- it’s him who is choosing to put himself in this situation

Your partner sounds bit rubbish. I certainly wouldn’t TTC and I’d look to slowly wind things down relationship wise.

I've been here. It isn't a matter of "If" something happens between them, it's "when".. and sadly I don't think you can do anything about it. It may be 5 years down the line when you have a couple of children and a happy and committed life that you are blindsided by this relationship rearing it's ugly head again, and decisions will be so much harder. He isn't 100% yours, I'm afraid.

I echo turning it around on him. Ask him how many relationships this “frienship” cost him. Ask him how many chances this woman had with him and she turned him down.

Ask him if he’s got any self respect and pride?

And tell him you’re quickly losing any you had for him.

Let him realise he’s fucking up yet another relationship for someone who doesn’t actually even want him.

I know you love him but I suspect you’re going to love him a little less in the morning. And then a little less the following morning.

He's jealous of her boyfriend and making digs about vanilla sex she has with him,unlike the hot sex they had together. This is whilst telling their OHs to trust them because they are just friends. How bloody disrespectful!

You've been together for 3 years yet haven't met her. That means that they don't consider themselves friends because otherwise you'd have been introduced and she would be happy that he was in a relationship.

She's your oh's unrequited love and if he's spent all these years after her and sacrificing his relationships because of her, she's probably become this amazing prize for him (most of it probably his fantasies rather than based on reality).

If he was my friend I'd be telling him to stop contacting this woman, block her and to get over her.

If I were his girlfriend, I'd leave him.

^ all of the above with bells on

this couple are just getting all the pleasant buzz of an infatuation kind of thing without any of the day to day groundhog day stuff. I doubt it would last 3 months now as a proper relationship in 'the real world' because they are both too needy of that buzz, which invariably often fizzles away if together . OP, if it was destined to be, then it would be so by now because there have obvioulsy been times when 'it could have been'. I would be making it clear she isnt a friend of the relationship, she is a shit stirrer who likes keeping people on 'call' when she is feeling needy and I am afraid he has to cool it bigtime, if he wants the relationship with you, because she is damaging every relationship he has. He was most unfair not to be upfront with you at the beginning too.

Hi everyone. Sorry I've been a bit quiet but I've been a mixture of exhausted, working and trying to keep going.

Will try and answer a few points

His past relationships haven't ended because of this friend but for other reasons (one was being too young and not ready for commitment, one they grew apart and lost that spark from sounds of things).

He's not generally into drama or attention seeking AT ALL. I think as someone else said they both in a different way enjoy the dynamic going on though.

I'm not willing to put up with feeling second best to a possibility just because he's a good step dad no. DS does have his dad in his life too (but DP does way way more with him and is fab with him). I was a single parent for years and yes it was lonely at times but we were fine. I thought I'd found a happy ending but that seems all at risk now.

He has apologised again and said his intention was never to hurt me. He said if we were going to be okay and I said I don't know.

We need to talk again but I'm exhausted and drained. I have a lot going on and have been struggling for a while with everything I have going on in my life and my relationship was the one pleasant and "safe" thing.

He's having an emotional affair and fancies himself as a star crossed lover. You are number 2.

Personally I would leave, I have no respect for sneaks, they make my skin crawl.

If he was willing to cut ALL contact, I would maybe give it a chance but I don't know if I could ever fully trust someone like that. Good luck.

My now-ex had an ex he was like this with. Went through all the same emotions and insecurities.

He also had secret conversation with her. It had ended messily and, probably, not ended at all really - he visited her and stayed overnight at a time after we were 'official'. This was all part of what turned into gaslighting behaviour where the told me then that he had told me he was going to stay (he had not) etc, and after some time had expired if I mentioned it he then claimed it was before we were 'official' (it was not).

He did kind of dump her after a while as she was a bit potty and annoyed him over something, but every few months the contact would sneak up again. At one point she even told him she was pregnant and then told him she had a miscarriage and then was miraculously pregnant again about two weeks later putting a 12 week scan on FB - yet he would still not accept she was trying to disrupt our relationship.

Anyway, it wasn't due to her that the relationship ended, but it should have been. I should have realised from this that he was a lying disrespectful wanker. Frankly.

It took other, bigger things, for me to realise - sadly!

Stick to your guns of 'how would you feel and what would you want me to do?' And let him do most of the talking and worrying. Listen and decide, but try to put it out of your mind and get on with everything else, until hes ready with some answers. Hope fully you wont hAve to wait too long but you don't need to decide straight away.

I'd be done with it. She's who he really wants given the chance.

he had a female friend and he really hoped he could continue the friendship if we became more serious as previous girlfriends had made that impossible.

Now you can see why. They have no boundaries. ..it's never going to be platonic. ..they'll always flirt and have their sex talks.

OP, please don’t put up with this any longer. He is in love with someone else who is dangling him on a string. You deserve, and will find, better. He will never have a successful relationship while this woman is in his life. That’s his loss, but it shouldn’t be yours.

If it was a non vanilla relationship that can create some pretty hefty bonds that don't go away, not necessarily in a good way.

Especially if you're other relationships are on the vanilla side. There's that inch that isn't going to be scratched.

Doesn't mean you can make a relationship with that person.

Doesn't mean he's entirely committed to you either. He might not even realise this properly. You are always going to feel insecure because there is another relationship that is as important to him if not more so.

You do deserve better

Do wish OP would give an update