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Original poster

DP's "friend" - long and rambly sorry.

121 replies

MoaneyBoney · 04/02/2018 14:37

When I first started dating DP he mentioned he had a female friend and he really hoped he could continue the friendship if we became more serious as previous girlfriends had made that impossible. I took this information at face value and said it's nice to have platonic friends of the opposite sex etc etc.

As we continued dating bits of further info were drip fed. Here are few bits of info:

  • they have slept together on and off in the past
  • he's had romantic feelings for her
  • she kept him "on the hook" for years
  • he's put her before other GFs taking her to see a comedian
  • their regular meet ups were always in his house or her car (for drives out)
  • their "friendship" doesn't seem to continue well if either of them are in relationships
  • DP had asked her if she wanted to date him at a point when they were both single and she turned him down (I think more than once)
  • when we set our facebook profiles to being in a relationship with each other she was apparently quite upset with him!
Hmm

We also had a xmas where he'd been seeing her less and she bought him a pointed xmas gift which referenced how they had met oh so long ago, after him saying that in previous years he'd either not received a gift or received something impersonal. It felt like a passive aggressive neon sign on his mantelpiece.

When we moved in together I eventually laid all this out on the table and told him he'd hidden the nature of their "friendship", that I would NOT have been as okay with the situation given all the info and that I was not happy with the situation eg them meeting up for cosy movie nights etc. I questioned why they never met up out of the house for a coffee, or with other friends, or why I'd met every one of his other friends but not this one.

He said he understood why I felt uncomfortable. That was about a year and a half ago. Since then as far as I know they've not met up but have had the odd message exchange.

So not to the present. Last night DP said "friend" is moving out of town soon to move in with her current boyfriend and that he'd like to meet up and have a catch up with her before she moves.

I feel like he's still carrying a torch for her, they have a sexual history and attraction and affection. I think in a way it's worse than an actual ex you've been in a relationship with as this friend has never actually committed to a relationship with him so it's like what could have been / unfinished business. From what I can gather they've been friends with the odd few spates of friends with benefits in the mix (until DP has asked for more and been rebuffed). I'm not sure when they actually met but I gather they've been doing this friends, sex partners, not friends, friends merry go round for about a decade!!!

I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts on this. I'm not a jealous person by nature. DP has tonnes of male and female friends and often socialises without me (as do I with my friends who all just happen to be female). I went to bed with a pit of worry in my stomach and woke up with the same feeling.

OP posts:
honeyroar · 04/02/2018 17:28

Why on earth hasn't he introduced you and brought you into the friendship? That's the red flag for me. I have two close male friends. One is an ex that I've slept with and the other asked me out twice (wrote me a "it should've been me" text as I started seeing my husband). My husband was introduced to both and knew I wasn't interested in them. We socialised with them both, we've been to each other's weddings, in fact they're both probably closer to my husband than me nowadays. Occasionally I've been out with them on my own, but I'd never have dreamed of excluding my husband from my relationship with them, that would be weird.

DragonNoodleCake · 04/02/2018 17:45

Reminds me of the song sick cycle carousel. I've been on it. Your DP just has to figure out how toxic it can be. I like how he told you tho.

UserSnoozer · 04/02/2018 17:46

He could see her one last time, if I was there. That'd be my condition. Just to make sure it's not a hook up for old times sake etc

AnyFucker · 04/02/2018 17:53

The only person hurting op here is her manipulative boyfriend

He knows what he is doing is upsetting op but he is doing it anyway. The exact same thing that has ended previous relationships. That's how much he is hurting her. Were those previous women wrong too ? Is this bloke so fantastic and his relationship with his old fuck buddy so precious any woman should turn a blind eye to it just to keep him ?

Maybe some folk would < shrug >

donajimena · 04/02/2018 17:56

Its not a female friend is it? Its an on/off girlfriend.

MistressDeeCee · 04/02/2018 18:15

He's upsetting you OP. He knows this but his friend comes 1st. Since you like your life together is there any way you can take a deep breath and just accept this? Do you want this to impact your relationship further?

Your DP having you, her having a DP won't necessarily make a difference to them meeting in future. What do you think the "farewell" is about? They both have partners there's no need for violins. I bet he's not met her partner either.

I'm not surprised previous girlfriends have kicked him to the kerb. Aside from being hurtful behaviour - it's simply not attractive, it looks like he's chasing her she can pick him up and drop him when she feels like it. No woman wants to feel another woman has her man so enthralled he will jump when she says jump.

Your DP is doing the running, seems he can't help himself. At least for now, it may be over. It's out of order that (a) he lied about nature of their relationship - he took away your choice re whether to accept it or not and (b) you've never met her. He is the epitome of a cheeky fucker.

But again if you don't want to end relationship then it's best to just find a way to accept. She's moving away so distance may do the trick.

But why do you want to TTC with him? Id be drier than the Sahara in your shoes can't you just hold off a bit longer see what transpires? It really does not seem like the right time.

Be careful you're not putting him on a pedestal due to a need (or being grateful for) your son having a dad figure. Your son won't be happy if you're not happy.

Proseccopanda · 04/02/2018 18:16

This is making me feel so sad for you OP. There is no real reason that he needs to see her, none at all.

My worry would be that he sees it as a "last chance" to see if there is something more Sad

Offred · 04/02/2018 19:00

IMO this kind of thing can sometimes be about two people who have messed up by being with other people and are genuinely in love with each other.

However, the vast majority of the time it is simply about people who have difficulty with reality and prioritise fantasy over the real things in their lives. It is avoidance of vulnerability essentially, as the fantasy relationship isn’t ever going to be a real one meaning no real vulnerability is needed and it also creates a distance in the real relationship that means intimacy is negatively affected and the person escapes having to really be vulnerable there.

The temptation is always to feel upset and aggrieved about not being ‘enough’ or ‘coming second’ to that particular person who is the subject of the fantasy but IMO it is not about you or the fantasy relationship, it’s about the partner’s inability to function in a relationship.

So even if this infatuation with this particular fantasy girl was overcome, which may not happen at all as it can continue solely in the mind for years, it is highly likely that there will be another one along to replace her at some point.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2018 19:05

Yep, there is an inadequacy there. An inability to live in the real world without the crutch of fantasy and excitement. Such people end up cheating, sooner or later.

BrazzleDazzleDay · 04/02/2018 19:31

I had an ex like this, he couldnt understand why the i detested this 'friendship'. I doubt that even to this day he realises his chum of 20 odd years is a manipulative twat who dangled a million promises of their future but really just picked him up and dropped him when she was bored/manless.

Dont suppose their initials are G and A Hmm

Offred · 04/02/2018 19:46

I doubt that even to this day he realises his chum of 20 odd years is a manipulative twat who dangled a million promises of their future but really just picked him up and dropped him when she was bored/manless.

This is part of my point really. I bet he did because on some level that was what he wanted out of the ‘friendship’ a fantasy that wasn’t attainable, gave him excitement and a way to keep himself hidden and helped him escape real life.

Offred · 04/02/2018 19:50

It’s very tempting to be mad or concerned about the fantasy girl being manipulative and keeping him on a string but at some point you need to understand that both people want it to be like that, neither of them are actually keen on being together in reality, they are both manipulative etc etc...

Sometimes wives/girlfriends even start seeing their spouse/partner as the victim which is perfect because it keeps the spouse stuck in the relationship and gives them the goal of ‘defeating’ the OW enemy...

CornforthWhite · 04/02/2018 22:37

Bluntness is taking sense. It rings alarm bells but you have to let it play out. Don’t do anything drastic. Go out and enjoy yourself and give him something to think about X

Helmetbymidnight · 04/02/2018 22:45

This sounds tough.

Ideally, he wouldn't go.

I'd 'let' him go, then afterwards say- I'm glad she's gone, your friendship makes me v uncomfortable, if it continues in this way, I'll reconsider.

When I met dh, I had 3 exes - as 'friends'. One was still very sweet on me, which I um enjoyed. He asked me to stop spending time with that one.

I did, of course I did.

joystir59 · 04/02/2018 23:03

Dear OP, I've thought about your situation. I agree with others who have posted that this isn't a friendship- your OH wants something more. I think you have to give him an ultimatum on this- that he stops all contact or you will quit the relationship. You- everyone!- deserves to be put first in a relationship, with regard to sexual and romantic connections (unless you both want to be in an open relationship, which is something different). Your OH is not committed to you if he is carrying a flame for this other person and still trying to forge a romantic connection with them.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2018 23:07

you have to let it play out

No you don't.

You can decide "fuck this for a game of soldiers" at any time

LesisMiserable · 05/02/2018 08:54

It's a straight choice between giving old fuck buddy what she wants (the drama of you pushing back) rationalising one evening in the whole scheme of your relationship. Bearing in mind there's a man in the middle of this they just love to triangulate two women with a few wnhanced details to get you both quietky fizzing away....You don't need to throw your relationship away over this,

Offred · 05/02/2018 08:56

Bearing in mind there's a man in the middle of this they just love to triangulate two women with a few wnhanced details to get you both quietky fizzing away

What self respecting person would be in a relationship with someone they thought was like that ^ Hmm

LesisMiserable · 05/02/2018 09:04

Thousand of women Offred.... unless you're incredibly naive or just landed on MN, which you haven't, you know this. Stop being willfully facetious. Mothers v daughter in laws, exes v wives, daughter v step mums. You know this. The men just love it.

LesisMiserable · 05/02/2018 09:05

If I remember rightly you've spent plenty of time off and on with a knobhead ex so by all means preach but don't be a hypocrite.

0ccamsRazor · 05/02/2018 09:17

It sounds as though he is in love with her.

I am so sorry Op Flowers

LesisMiserable · 05/02/2018 09:21

I don't think he's in love with her. They are each other's fall back at best. If they loved each other they'd have been together. I gave a old friend who I used to fuck also, I've known him 20 years. I like seeing him once a year or something to catch up but we message occasionally . I don't fancy him anymore but I have a bond with him. I don't love him either. He no doubt feels the same. We like each other. So what. Our respective spouses gave nothing to worry about from us - and they don't.

Offred · 05/02/2018 09:22

Nope, my point was re self respect. Self respect is incompatible with a relationship like this.

Why would anyone be encouraging someone to stay in a relationship like this?

That’s rather different from the fact that lots of people are in relationships like this having their self-respect destroyed.

BeenthereandhavetheTshirt · 05/02/2018 09:24

I have a man who currently wants to remain "friends" with me and I know what it means. It happens when people just can't tear themselves away - they can't make that commitment but they still want to be near . It is highly dangerous.

TheStoic · 05/02/2018 09:35

What would happen if this friend of his decided that she DID want a relationship with him?