DP's "friend" - long and rambly sorry.

[MoaneyBoney]

When I first started dating DP he mentioned he had a female friend and he really hoped he could continue the friendship if we became more serious as previous girlfriends had made that impossible. I took this information at face value and said it's nice to have platonic friends of the opposite sex etc etc.

As we continued dating bits of further info were drip fed. Here are few bits of info:

• they have slept together on and off in the past
• he's had romantic feelings for her
• she kept him "on the hook" for years
• he's put her before other GFs taking her to see a comedian
• their regular meet ups were always in his house or her car (for drives out)
• their "friendship" doesn't seem to continue well if either of them are in relationships
• DP had asked her if she wanted to date him at a point when they were both single and she turned him down (I think more than once)
• when we set our facebook profiles to being in a relationship with each other she was apparently quite upset with him!

We also had a xmas where he'd been seeing her less and she bought him a pointed xmas gift which referenced how they had met oh so long ago, after him saying that in previous years he'd either not received a gift or received something impersonal. It felt like a passive aggressive neon sign on his mantelpiece.

When we moved in together I eventually laid all this out on the table and told him he'd hidden the nature of their "friendship", that I would NOT have been as okay with the situation given all the info and that I was not happy with the situation eg them meeting up for cosy movie nights etc. I questioned why they never met up out of the house for a coffee, or with other friends, or why I'd met every one of his other friends but not this one.

He said he understood why I felt uncomfortable. That was about a year and a half ago. Since then as far as I know they've not met up but have had the odd message exchange.

So not to the present. Last night DP said "friend" is moving out of town soon to move in with her current boyfriend and that he'd like to meet up and have a catch up with her before she moves.

I feel like he's still carrying a torch for her, they have a sexual history and attraction and affection. I think in a way it's worse than an actual ex you've been in a relationship with as this friend has never actually committed to a relationship with him so it's like what could have been / unfinished business. From what I can gather they've been friends with the odd few spates of friends with benefits in the mix (until DP has asked for more and been rebuffed). I'm not sure when they actually met but I gather they've been doing this friends, sex partners, not friends, friends merry go round for about a decade!!!

I'd love to hear everyone's thoughts on this. I'm not a jealous person by nature. DP has tonnes of male and female friends and often socialises without me (as do I with my friends who all just happen to be female). I went to bed with a pit of worry in my stomach and woke up with the same feeling.

Ask him how he'd feel if it was you with the special friend.
I'd be inclined to let him go out with her one last time. The question is whether you trust him. Maybe ask him to keep it a alcohol free lunchtime meet - which might seem a bit ott but I think given their history is reasonable. If you really want a future with him, and in all other ways he's great, then trusting him would bE my default position. But try and get it to see it from your point of view. Hopefully a frank conversation about this will make it clear whether he's a keeper or not.

Well we ended up discussing it. He was defending the friendship at first and mentioned that friend had suggested we all meet up. He had not mentioned this before so I asked him to show me the text and put him on the spot.

He showed me it and she HAD suggested that (but he hadn't shared that info before with me) and in those couple of texts talking about us all meeting up they were also talking about sex!!!! Eg is your bf vanilla and hinting that DP and her weren't in their past encounters etc. :-O

I lost my shit at that point and asked him if he honestly thought that was appropriate platonic friend conversation and he said no and apologised.

He ended up saying he won't meet up with her.

He also hinted that if I don't trust him it's "bad times" (hinting at breakup) I told him he had shaken my trust and anyone given all the facts would feel the same way. Also her boyfriend has apparently raised this friendship too and wanted to discuss it.

I also did the reverse scenario and I could see he hated the idea. I think that's what eventually got through.

I'm fucking shattered as hardly got any sleep.

I think he finally realised it was not an appropriate conversation topic / friendship dynamic.

Lots of discussion from him about how much he loves me and is committed to me etc.

I think he still wants to keep the friendship though as it has been eg the odd message back and forth. Given that they can't seem to help blurring the lines and hinting at their past exploits that doesn't sit well with me. He said earlier in the conversation "I'm not just going to completely cut off a friend who I've known for so long and who we've both been there for each other during tough times" etc etc.

I don't feel much better really. Feel like the immediate thing of the imminent meet up being cancelled is good but other than that not much has changed except I now KNOW their friendship has innaproproate aspects to it.

Oh and that he has categorically said he will not completely end the friendship.

Sorry op doesn't sound good at all :( I wouldn't be happy with the sex talk, I would be livid!

Op if she were to say to him that she wants to be with him as a couple he would be with her like a shot. The only reason that they are not together romantically is because she tells him no. I stand by my statement that he is in love with her.

My DP and I are 100% honest about our past relationships and talk about them quite openly. Life happened before we met each other, you can’t change that.

He also has both male and female friends and I have never had an issue with him meeting up with them alone as I trust him, and I’ve met them all and they’re really lovely!

Point being, I’m not the jealous type at all. But in your situation? I would be losing my mind. I’d be angry about the disrespect your DP has shown for a start, there is no consideration for your feelings there. Meeting up alone and not in public? I think not, especially with the history involved.

You are right, this does scream ‘unfinished business’ and I would really be worried about that but if you don’t let him go, you could be made out to be U.

I’m sorry you’re in this position

My best friend is male, so I am fine with friends of the opposite sex, but I would not be okay with this scenario. She is not a friend, she is a friend with benefits and based on my own experience, it can be hard to put boundaries back in place once you go back to just friendship. The bigger problem here is that she was upset when he got into a relationship and he has continually demonstrated that he is still interested in her - kept asking her out when he was single/putting her before previous girlfriends. Also the fact that he hasn't introduced the two of you would ring alarm bells for me.

I would simply suggest that she comes to your home and has a few drinks - he can see her before she goes and you finally get to meet someone important in his life. If he hates the idea then I would be putting hard boundaries in place as by that point I would have enough red flags to make bunting and would suspect they might be intending to sleep together.

He obviously thinks you are always going to be there no matter what he does.
He says what you want to hear for a minute to keep you onside then reverts back.
You really need to take some control back here. Dont stand for it.

Sorry I missed your update. There would be no chance they would be meeting up if he was my partner and it is a hill I would die on. The sex talk basically seals it for me. I would be putting boundaries in place if the friendship was to continue - never meeting alone and you being able to see the texts when you ask. But honestly, I would end the relationship over this. Their friendship is far too inappropriate and could easily slip into an affair. Interesting that her boyfriend isn't happy with it either.

I'm sorry. What an immature twat. Those conversations aren't appropriate between two adults both in other relationships. I'd say to him keep the friendship if you want and that you trust him not to have sex with someone else (if you do, and he probably just likes the excitement of his conversations) but that those sexual text messages have put you off him a bit. You'd like a man who was emotionally mature enough to realise they aren't appropriate. So if he thinks he can stop the 'sexy talk' then fine, but if not then he may not be the man for you. Again, you could ask him if he'd like you to be texting your exes about current/past sex life. Surely he can see he wouldn't like it.

If I found out my partner had been talking about sex with someone he had previously shagged, wanted to meet up with her, then refused to end the friendship, I’d break up with him.

Sorry op

It would be "bad times" full stop after that conversation as far as I was concerned. I wouldn't care what he promised in the future,cut he'd been sending sexy texts and lying about her suggesting you met up he'd be binned, he's not trustworthy and he's not worth it.

Op

You ain’t happy about it and with good reason so put your foot down.

Make it crystal clear that communicating with this ‘friend’ is compromising your future together.

It’s all well and good thinking he’s a great guy but all I would be thinking about is that I was the second option.

I don’t think I could live with that knowledge and certainly not bring a child into it.

I think anytime she comes knocking he will go running. Perhaps not now but wait until things are a bit stale between you or should I say when things are a bit stale in her life?

Re "they'd be together if they were in love"

I think HE is in love with her, he's a back up plan for her.

HE doesn't want the 2 of you to meet
Sounds like HE started the sex conversation too
HE is refusing to end the friendship or even put firm boundaries in place.

I wouldn't be staying in this relationship - you'll always be a distant second op

No wonder all his other relationships failed.

Agree with @Graphista , if I found messages from my boyfriend to a "friend " of that nature , talking about sex and trying to make the night just inclusive of them I would dump him. He is not worthy of anymore of your time . I'd cut my losses as no one that is truly committed would act this way .

Op , I'm sorry you're going through this, sometimes people are just shit but you sound vary balanced and level headed , you don't deserve this , hold your head high xx

So it is mainly him not wanting you to meet her? She has suggested meeting you and he has kept that off the table until it got desperate.

I stand by my previous statements that this is nothing to do with love and everything to do with avoidance of vulnerability by living in a fantasy.

That’s why he can look you in the eye and say things like ‘but it is you I am in love with/committed to/see a future with’ and still probably genuinely believe this stuff is not a big deal.

I had a friendship like this.

Relationships ended because of it. In the end I realised it was inappropriate and I valued my relationship too much to let the friendship come in between it.

Years later I look back and I am mortified at our behaviour and know I would be devastated if my husband had a similar friendship.

It's easy to say LTB on here but in reality not so.

However, for what its worth I would not be able to stay with him.

He is clearly flirting with her by way of reminiscing and that's not fair on you.

He is also trying to make you out to be the bad guy by accusing you of having no trust in him. Why would anyone who loves and respects you accuse you of being this way?

You have previously said you wont but I think you need to leave him.

I don't think anyone has said it's easy, but I think like myself many think easier now than more years down the line with possibly another child involved THAT would be much harder.

How far away is she moving? I doubt this is the end of all this, unless shes emigrating.

He'd get those "bad times" alright. My boot up his arse.

Given the 'bad times' comment - have you tried raising the fact that previous GF's have left him over this relationship? That he could end up alone and very bitter whilst she swans around in a series of relationships, picking him up and keeping him 'friendzoned' for those times she's at a loose end?

Or the pair of them end up in a relationship in their fifties, because no one else will have them, and they will spend all their time bitching at one another about what they gave up for each other...

I also dont think its easy to leave but, being with someone who makes you feel second best who doesnt value your feelings or relationship that is also not easy.
I wouldnt waste my life on someone like that. Whats the point. Yes it will be hard to break up the family and split the house, But once you are over that hurdle, Life WILL be better, You can then (if you want in time) find someone who makes you feel valued who TRUELY cares for you and isnt that a nice feeling being in a partnership with someone who really cares about you.
There are millions of men on this earth dont settle for one that makes you feel miserable. EVER.

Ewww @ that text. Inappropriate.

TBH I think cutting your losses at this point is the best option. This relationship doesn't sound a fun, safe and happy place to me. You're dragging him kicking and screaming from this on-off girlfriend.