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Original poster

am i so wrong for wanting my parents to babysit?? opinions please

139 replies

lovemybed · 29/04/2007 20:23

will try and make this short, i am a 25 year old mum of 2 gorgeous dds age 5 and 3, have been married for 6 years. dont have anything to do with in laws (very long story)

im very protective of my girls and only really trust my parents with them when i go out for the night BUT it seems to be a total battle to get them to babysit, they love the girls to bits and are fantastic with them make a effort to see them every weekend and are forever boasting about them to friends etc, but they dont seem to be up for the babysitting bit.

my parents are still pretty young and enjoy a good social life but not to the point where they could not babysit from time to time as well.

i have a 20 year old sister who is totally useless and my big brother who antatic with girls and always willing to babysit has just moved 400 miles away.

just so people dont think i am exagerating i have worked out that they have babysit at the very most twice a year since dd1 came along.

i feel that this is starting to have a effect on me and dh cause we never get a night out together its either me with my friends or him with his, people will think we dont like each other when really we are desperate to spend some time together as a couple.

i cant ask friends to have them over night cause dd1 has some allergies that triggers her asthma and because my friends have young children of there own its not really practical for them to come to me.

to top all this of my husband is in the forces and spends a lot of time away from home so i feel like i never get a second of.

i know some people will call me a selfish cow and say that they are my children and i should watch them but i do this 365 days a year surley a night of every couple of months would not make me the worlds worst mum.

sorry this has just turned into a very long rant but i have just missed a very good night out (yet again) and its still playing on my mind

OP posts:
unknownrebelbang · 29/04/2007 22:24

I'll look forward to babysitting any grandchildren I may have too, but it's not obligatory for grandparents to do so.

And of course, who's going to want the dreaded MIL babysitting, eh? (I have three boys, lol)

essbeebonkers · 29/04/2007 22:24

Message withdrawn

lyrabelacqua · 29/04/2007 22:25

True Twinklemegan, families used to pitch in to help each other out (or so I'm told when my mum talks about the 'good old days') but now you're expected to cope on your own.

fireflyfairy2 · 29/04/2007 22:26

Yep wilkie, you're reading it wrong, I'm not stroppy.

Just stating a fact. I wouldn't want someone to babysit if I knew they didn't want to.

And if you read on I have made further posts after that one

Wilkie · 29/04/2007 22:28

I stand corrected FFF

Apologies

tearinghairout · 29/04/2007 22:29

It does sound as though you need to sort this for the sake of your relationship. This might be seem blindingly obvious but are you 100% sure that they understand that a) you trust them and b) you'd like them to babysit while you have a night out? Weere you profuse with your thanks after last time? What I'm saying is that there could be something that hasn't been said. you need to explain to them that you'd really like their help. I know if it was my DD I'd want to help, occasionally, and as long as I didn't feel she was taking me for granted or out all hours getting p*ssed, that sort of thing. Good luck.

DH & I didn't want to leave the dch with teens when they were young (parents & ILS lived too far away) & I couldn't face the babysitting circle, so we used to dress up for dinner at home on a friday night & have a bottle of wine when they were in bed & pretend we were in a restaurant. Sad? It did help us through a sticky time... It's good to turn the TV off & get to know each other again.

cat64 · 29/04/2007 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

chocolateteapot · 29/04/2007 22:35

Lovemybed, Sitters are very good and I have always felt that my children are in safer hands than mine with the sitters we've had through them than they are with me !

My Mum is only round the corner and doesn't volunteer to be babysit at all. She clearly doesn't want to so I wouldn't ask her and hope that she gets to really enjoy the time she spends with the children having done all the hard work with me and my brother. And as for my inlaws they are in Spain and the amount of times your parents have sat for you in the last 5 years works at a 3 times the amount they have ever seen my 8 year old DD.

fireflyfairy2 · 29/04/2007 22:43

Wilkie

LMB, if they have babysat in the past, can you think of any reason why they would be so against it now?? Like for example, were you really late home last time? Did you say you would be home at 11pm & stagger through the door ay 1am?

The secone from last time we went out [In March] we told IL's we wouldn't be late, but as luck would have it, time wore around & the couple that we were taking home [my sister & BIL!!] were having a ball, as was my dh [I was driving!] So it was 4.25am that we made it home

IL's weren't that badly annoyed, they were asleep on our sofas & the kids had been no trouble.. but then on Easter Sunday we asked them to babysit again, MIL said "Of course, we'd love to! But promise me you'll not be late back as I was knackered after last time" We were home at 11.30

So maybe your mum was pissed about something & didn't make it clear, wheras the relationship I have with IL's, we make it clear if something is annoying us

I felt like we did take the piss a bit that time we were out til after 4am but tbh it was a once in a lifetime event we were at & they understood

daydreambeliever · 29/04/2007 22:54

Hmm....I mean obviously there is no obligation at all. But it is a bit mean IMO. Especially if they love seeing your dd's and see them every weekend. Is it just in the evenings that they are not keen? Would they keep them for a few hours one afternoon so you could run off with your DH and have an adventure ( im thinking ferris buellers day off) and be back by 6 pm? How would it be if you told them ages in advance, look, these are the weeks when dh will be home on leave, pick any slot of time to babysit, day, evening, juist whenever, just once, pleeease.....

twentypence · 29/04/2007 23:28

A know that a lot of grandparents don't like evening babysitting, because it just involves driving in the dark - watching TV in someone else's house and then driving home in the dark. They would prefer daytime babysitting where they get to play with the children, or overnight so you get to do breakfast and it's an adventure.

Would you have more success asking them during the day?

fireflyfairy2 · 29/04/2007 23:29

Or would they stay overnight? Or entertain the idea of taking the kids to their house for the night?

MIL said next time we plan on staying out half the night they will let the kids sleep at their house Happy days!!!

Flowertots · 29/04/2007 23:31

Lovemybed
I understand 100% where you're coming from. I was in the same situation and the same mindset until recently and you really need to change your mindset if only to save a lot of heartache and disappointment. My parents favour my brother's children because they were dumped on them when only a few months old so they are naturally closer to them. My husband and I have only ever had a handful of nights out. We've come to accept the fact that my parents just don't want to look after my children which in my opinion, is their loss NOT mine. I pay an extra £40 at the nursery every now and then so that my husband and I can spend some time together. It's the best way all round because that way I don't get constantly reminded that my parents did me a huge favour.

Original poster
lovemybed · 30/04/2007 13:57

thanks everyone for your comments, i think i was feeling really hard done by last night when i posted, some great points in this thread!!!

when i was talking to one of my friends about this earlier on she suggested that i tell my parents that we were thinking about hiring a sitter and see what there reaction is (not in a guilt trip sort of way) but just to make sure that she understands that we do want some time on our own and would be gratefull if she did want to babysit, if not then there are other options i can try.

i think i have prob been expecting my mum to be a mind reader and see how frustrated i can be at times, perhaps its time for a change of tactics

OP posts:
fifisworld · 30/04/2007 14:12

LMB i totally understand where you are coming from in wanting your parents to babysit, and agree with everyone else that they dont have to.
Me and dp never get time on our own. We both work,him full time and me part time and i'd love for someone to offer to look after ds for a hour or so,just so we can go for a meal or for a drink on our own. I dont feel right asking anyone apart from my parents,i dont even like asking mil.
BUT...we both have plans for this sat night to go and see our friends seperatly just for a few hours and would be back by 10pm so i asked my dad to babysit. No problem he says, then yesterday he said ' we are all going out with work on sat night'.
I said 'oh yes thats the day your meant to be babysitting for me, then he makes me feel guilty by saying he never gets out, he's out all the time and i know thats his right,but its annoying when he'd promised to have ds.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/04/2007 14:39

I would agree with the assertion that grandparents don't of course have to babysit; its the fact that they don't want to that can give rise to a person feeling hurt by their "rejection".

LMB - I have had this issue and my solution to it was to use Sitters. I've used them for a number of years now and have always found them to be very good. Infact I would trust them more than my own parents to look after DS properly!.

MadeForIt · 30/04/2007 23:43

"your responsibilities actually stop when your children reach 18

your desire and choice then kicks in "

Hmm, and maybe when said grandkids are all grown and faced with the choice of going to visit said grandparents in their lonely frail state, they might decide their lives are too important to disrupt. WTF!

This is why england is so f@*ked up. No sense of community. No real unity as a family. If a grandparent cant take a night out of their oh-so busy schedules to spend time with their desendants, there is something wrong with the world. Cold cold cold.

Bethbe · 01/05/2007 00:27

Some grandparents do have a busy schedule, - working to pay off the debt they incurred raising their own children!!!!!!!

That said: My strategy for getting the GP to babysit (not deliberate) was being so highly strung about first born that when they came I was always holding him, feeding him, changing him etc. that my parents never got a look-in. In the end they just said to me 'ffs go out'! Now it's often at short notice, but if they are coming around (according to THEIR schedule) we are 'expected' to got out for a few hours to give them quality time with their grandkids!

sniff · 01/05/2007 07:08

do you take your children to them or do they come to you

I have three dcs and my mom lives miles away now but when we did live close she loved babysitting but only at her house she didnt really like doing it anywhere else so we took children to her and picked them up as soon as we got back

couldnt you babysit for friends and they babysit for you

thegardener · 01/05/2007 12:14

could you/dh offer to help them in some small way as an exchange? i realise you must have a very limited ammount of time on your hands, i only have 1ds and don't get much time to do a lot else than look after him.

it must be difficult when you are on your own when your dh is away, are their any of his colleagues wives able to help at all?

Hope you find help, i'd help you if you lived close by!

mumto3girls · 01/05/2007 12:25

Well my parents are 200 miles away and therefore can't babysit...

However I know they really miss doing so with dd3 and they always offer for DP and I to go out when they visit for the weekend every couple of months.

I would be completely upfront with your mum and ask her wheter she does not enjoy it or if there is any other reason why she makes excuses not to do it. Tell her how much you nee dyour space with DH and how little time you get to yourself. Tell her a nigt out once in a while makes all the difference to you and you'd appreciate it if she could help out, BUT if she doesn't want to commit to that then you will have to get a sitter.

I'd ring her right now and ask her.

Pollyanna · 01/05/2007 12:29

I think you need to get someone else to babysit, sorry probably not what you want to hear. The children are old enough now to be left imo.

I don't get much help either - it is difficult but it's not the grandparents' duty to babysit.

Pollyanna · 01/05/2007 12:31

(sorry didn't read the whole thread before I posted - I think you need to make other arrangements and at the same time speak to your parents - they might not realise how you feel).

OrmIrian · 01/05/2007 12:31

Perhaps you could just give them a fait accompli. Arrange something (a few weeks in advance) and tell them that you are going out and there isn't anyone else to help you out. I'd be very surprised if they'd be prepared to scupper your plans because of a reluctance to help. If there is a deeper underlying issue - the athsma may be worrying them perhaps? - this would allow you to find out.

You do need to talk to them though. Do they know you're fed up about it? If they think you can cope, and you haven't told them otherwise, they might think you don;t need them.

motherinferior · 01/05/2007 12:32

I have come late to this thread, but really why in hell's name should they be expected to babysit? THey've done years of their own childcare.

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