am i so wrong for wanting my parents to babysit?? opinions please

[lovemybed]

will try and make this short, i am a 25 year old mum of 2 gorgeous dds age 5 and 3, have been married for 6 years. dont have anything to do with in laws (very long story)

im very protective of my girls and only really trust my parents with them when i go out for the night BUT it seems to be a total battle to get them to babysit, they love the girls to bits and are fantastic with them make a effort to see them every weekend and are forever boasting about them to friends etc, but they dont seem to be up for the babysitting bit.

my parents are still pretty young and enjoy a good social life but not to the point where they could not babysit from time to time as well.

i have a 20 year old sister who is totally useless and my big brother who antatic with girls and always willing to babysit has just moved 400 miles away.

just so people dont think i am exagerating i have worked out that they have babysit at the very most twice a year since dd1 came along.

i feel that this is starting to have a effect on me and dh cause we never get a night out together its either me with my friends or him with his, people will think we dont like each other when really we are desperate to spend some time together as a couple.

i cant ask friends to have them over night cause dd1 has some allergies that triggers her asthma and because my friends have young children of there own its not really practical for them to come to me.

to top all this of my husband is in the forces and spends a lot of time away from home so i feel like i never get a second of.

i know some people will call me a selfish cow and say that they are my children and i should watch them but i do this 365 days a year surley a night of every couple of months would not make me the worlds worst mum.

sorry this has just turned into a very long rant but i have just missed a very good night out (yet again) and its still playing on my mind

See with my situation, there are 5 grandkids altogether (either side) and the other 3 are regularly babysat for, with my parents there is my nephew who stays over every week, and with dh's parents there are niece and nephew who stay over for weekends.

Sorry that sounds confusing lol. What i am saying is, it is only my dc who neither side ever offer or say yes to, are they 2 headed monsters? no!, well sometimes

pucca my mum made a comment to a friend one day in front of me that the reason she babysits for my aunt so much is because she does not cope as well as i do i dont really see what that has to do with wanting a night out, but by the time i have thought about it in my head the monent had passed and the conversation had moved onto something else.

have exactly the same problem with my dad and his wife - he talkes about ds all the time, always showing pictures round and so proud, always offers to have him 'any time'... the minute I ask the excuses start!

so I can understand where you're coming from and I do think you're parents could be a little more accomodating... yes they've done their parenting bit... so they should know better than anyone how hard it is!!

i'm quite lucky in having my mum to help and also great in-laws. but I've also built up good relationships with close friends and also some cousins who have children - made a special effort to see them a lot, take ds round etc. and now there's a little group of us that can help look after each other's children and we know the children are ok...
i know you have the extra worry with the asthma but I assume you'll always be contactable and can always leave key phone numbers for emergencies etc... they'll be fine i'm sure!

good luck

I do know how you feel, but you know what? i know if either side babysat for me either for the evening or overnight i would spend the whole time thinking was everything ok, sods law eh?? lol

i was actually thinking about having a third child.

would it be so terrible if i waited until dd1 was 16 then she could be my babysitter, opinions please

I think you should ask other people to babysit. Your parents by virtue of being your parents shouldn't be expected to. ASLthough nice if they did.

I don't think you're being selfish. Would it really be that hard for your parents to give up one evening every couple of months? I've got a friend whose parents babysit every Sunday night and my mum babysits at least once a month and even had dses for a whole weekend recently (and she works full time but was glad to do it).
As an alternative, could you set up a babysitting circle among some other mums? I'm in one with some mums from ds1's nursery and we all babysit for each other and earn points each time, which we use when we need a babysitter. Doesn't cost anything and better IMO than using a teenager as they're all mums and know how to deal with children if they wake up etc.

He parents could do it, but having a life of their own should they be expected to?

I don't see why not. It's not that big a sacrifice on their part to make their daughter happy. It's not like she's asking three times a week, just once every couple of months.

I"ve only read the OP, and perhaps this has been said, if so, apologies.

Yes very frustrating that your parenst don't babysit, of course you don't have a right to expect them to, but I understand that you would hope they would.

so. GET A BABYSITTER FGS!

your kids must go to preschool/nursery/school, ask one of the assistants that they especially get on with. Be there the first couple of times that they come round so you get a real feel for how they are and reassure yourself that your kids are fine with them.

You need to get over the paranoia (strong word, but having been this neurotic about it myself, i"m using this advisedly) that anyone outside your family will harm your children. I hate to say this but the facts speak otherwise given that such a high proportion of abuse is from relatives. You are not being in any way rational to think that only relatives are safe to leave your children with. Your relationship is suffering for that, and therefore so are your children as there is nothing that kids need more than parents who are solid and talk to each other and have time together and maintain their love for each other by spending time alone together.

You really really need to get over this imo. You will feel so free that you do, and there is a middle way between a relative and a strange looking person off the street!!!!

Lovemybed - the company is called 'sitters' they have a website. Why not see if they operate in your area.

My MIL cracks me up most of all on this topic. Goes on and on and on about how she never ever had a night out when the children were young because her mother wouldn;t babysit, expecting mucho sympathy from me. Despite staying with us on several occasions - has she ever suggested that her and FIL might babysit while DH and I have a night out - not a chance

I find it quite funny really - thankfully we have other fish to fry on the babysitting front

lyrabelacqua you don't see why not?

becuase they are people, presumably with a life which doesn't involve sitting in someone elses house looking after somone elses children whilst someone else goes to have a good time.

Maybe they themselves have plans.

There are other options. The parents should not have this expectation thrust upon them. I doubt very much if i will babysit and i will resent profusely any suggestion that i must or should or have a duty or expectation to. Becvuase after bringing up my children maybe i will want to go out have dinner and lunch with laydies. Maybe Gala bingo will be my bag or maybe holidays and a cruise round the med. Maybe i will just be too tired after working all day, maybe i have my own life!

God this is what makes me so MAD about mumsnet. People get SOOOOOOO huffy on here.

I think LMB has actually been very sweet and has been listening to what everyone says then you get people like FFF, Misdee and Mytwopenceworth getting in a strop. God it can be so bitchy on here sometimes.

LMB - FWIW, I don't think you are being unreasonable and I would personally tackle the problem head on and ask them outright if there is a problem that means they don't want to babysit. That way you completely clear the air and whatever the outcome, you know where you stand.

"someone else's children" are their grandchildren! Since when did all responsibilities for anything stop when your kids leave home?

I will be very happy to babysit my grandchildren when the time comes.I know (as most of us do) how happy marriages depend greatly on a husband and wife getting some proper adult time away from the kids.

Wilkie.. by FFF you mean me.. can you please point out where I have stropped?

'cos I haven't actually stropped.. ta very much!

"Oh really.

Would you want someone there, against their will babysitting?

I know I wouldn't.

TBH I wouldn't even ask them, knowing they never say yes.

Anyway, this isn't an argument, I am simply giving an opinion, which was asked for.

You telling me not a hint of stroppiness in there Maybe I am reading it wrong

your responsibilities actually stop when your children reach 18

your desire and choice then kicks in

and there is a big difference between children and grandchildren

can't wait to have grandchildren myself .. they seem much more fun

Message withdrawn

Me too, Moondog, I want my boys to be happy when they become parents and if that means sacrificing the occasional evening so they can have time off from their children so they can stay sane then I will (assuming I can) because I know how hard it is.

Legal responsibilities stop - moral responsibilites do not. (that's what's wrong with society today etc. etc.)

A lot of people on MN complain that their parents never offer to babysit,yet they make no mention of actually asking them.
They're not psychic y'know.

My parents don't offer,but do their best to oblige when i ask them.

Gosh yes, I will cross continents if need be to babysit my GCs. However my DCs tell me they aren't having any DCs as girls/boys [substitute as appropriate] are yuck

We had no relations within 200 miles. For a year I left dd with no-one but my dh. The once or twice with mothers from our NCT group whom I knew very well - but we didn't go out till she was settled for the night. Then we moved away from them.

We both sing seriously and really wanted to go to choir together every week, so I joined a babysitting agency which employs only fully trained, police-checked, first-aid trained nannies. They work as nannies in the day and do babysitting in the evenings.

We have been using them for six years and have always had one or two regulars whom dd gets to know really well. It's expensive but not considering the importance of what they are doing. We pay £6.50 an hour at the moment and have total peace of mind about dd's well-being.

HTH - don't know where you are but there are lots of similar agencies, or you could try asking the nursery nurses at your local day nursery whether any of them do babysitting as well.

HTH