Absolutely desperate for support with possible asd dh

[Asdwife]

This is going to be long to avoid drip feeding, apologies in advance.

Back story:
Dh and I met and married quite quickly, 8 years ago. Had 2 dc also very quickly. Dh became withdrawn, depressed, started drinking a lot especially after dc2's birth. Things had already not been good for some time.

I always knew there was something unusual about dh but put it down to cultural differences. It didn't really become apparent until after dc2's birth but I realised, after much research, reading around and self doubt, that dh has Aspergers/ASD. There is now no doubt in my mind so please don't shoot me down for stating that.

He has always refused to look into it. Things became too bad for me to manage, I was exhausted and drained by his lack of support and connection and I asked him for a trial separation a few months ago. He moved out.

Almost immediately I felt better, back to my old self, my confidence and enjoyment of life returned and I reconnected with old friends. In secret I started seeing someone - this bit I feel awful about because the separation was meant to be a trial while we worked through things and it felt like I was being unfaithful - but I hadn't realised how desperately lonely I had been until I started seeing this new person.

Since the new year dh has started to seek support - he has been reading self help type books, went to his gp to ask for a counselling referral for his anxiety, has apologised to me for things that have happened in the past. He wants me to give us another chance. Our dc miss him.

I asked him to look into the possibility of Aspergers before we made any further decisions. He agreed and went to gp again. Gp told him there was categorically nothing wrong with him and that he was just "suffering the consequences of a marital breakdown - all completely normal". Dh obviously had not gone into history. He now has "proof" that he does not have Aspergers and wants me to drop it.

All well and good except that I also believe our eldest has Aspergers and was hoping that a diagnosis for dh would mean that he would entertain the possibility of dc having it. Until now he has refused to ever discuss that with me. I believe our eldest will need support in the future and I'm already worn down by her needs.

He wants another chance, I want to give him one but not without outside support which would only come through a diagnosis. I'm also still seeing this other man because it is like therapy for me. I come home from seeing him relaxed, happy and ready to pick up my responsibilities again.

Please give me some advice, I'll listen and consider anything. I literally have no idea what to do next.

Would it really make such a difference if your h had a diagnosis? I don’t see that it would if he doesn’t feel there is a problem. He probably wouldn’t welcome ‘support’ whatever that looks like.

You can pursue a diagnosis for your child completely separately if relevant. Involve your child’s school and go to your gp with your concerns.

I feel like you are concentrating on the wrong thing here ie looking for a diagnosis for your h when really it is your relationship that is the issue.

You're right Amillion - he probably wouldn't welcome support. So if I forget the idea of a diagnosis for him then where do I go next? I feel I can't make our marriage work without support but I don't want a divorce and neither does he.

I also really don't want to give up this new person who makes me feel alive and cherished again

If you don't want a divorce, why are you seeing another man?

Would your DH consider relationship counselling? It might help the two of you to work out the reasons why things have gone wrong, and find solutions that suit you both.

Is your DC at school? Or in a setting that might support You in seeking a diagnosis?

It's awful to make your dh jump through hoops on the hope of getting back together, when you're seeing someone else.

There's an excellent website called Different Together for partners of Aspergers people. There's also a forum with lots of support and advice.

www.different-together.co.uk

I know. But what about me? I'm drowning in my responsibilities to everyone (raising dc virtually alone, one of whom is almost certainly on the spectrum, while trying to accommodate dh's needs, work and pay the bills). I have no support myself, which is what this man gives me. I cry every day bar the days I see him.

Do you think his behaviour would change if he knew had aspergers? That's not very realisitic is it. You would maybe have some more understanding of his behaviour but I don't see how that would make a fundamental change to the quality of your relationship.

Anyway, he's not on board and you are with someone else so it's a non-starter.

Can I ask what behaviours your husband exhibits that makes you think he has aspergers? Regardless of whether your husband has it, you've already checked out of your marriage by sleeping with another man. Also don't forget this is all new, always great in the beginning and doesn't involve the day to day realities of life, it's not real and it's not sustainable...it's a diversion, that is all.

It sounds as though you have loads on your plate. I can understand why you are desperate. But I can't, in all honesty, offer relationship advice to someone who ask for help with their marriage while seeing another man behind her DH's back.

I think you need to look again at your priorities. I wouldn't blame you if you decide to end your marriage. But you need to be honest to DH that a reconciliation is not going to happen. I also think you should go ahead with seeing the schools support in getting a diagnosis for your DS.

We've started counselling, had introductory session so far and now on waiting list for weekly sessions. We've also had it before. I find that he talks the talk in the sessions but does not walk the walk outside of sessions.

Yes I can pursue a diagnosis for dc separately. I just don't want to deal with this all alone! Is that so wrong?

You’re being massively unfair. You need to tell your husband about your affair.

What would that achieve coastal?

Lettucepray - if you Google characteristics of men with Aspergers he ticks every box. I have done years of reading into it and am convinced. It is at the heart of our difficulties which is why it makes up the bulk of my post.

He is not a bad man but he cannot give me what I need.

You need to be honest with yourself. Do you want to be in this marriage?

Next is what will it take to make this marriage work.

You can't possibly sort out your marriage while you have one foot out the door with the OM.

Also, the only "right" answer you have for your DH checking into possible Aspergers is that he comes back with a diagnosis. You're not qualified to make that call, however convinced you are. You're being very unfair.

I think you would feel better if you made the final jump and ended the marriage and worked out co-parenting with your dh.

Ok, if I'm honest...
If we didn't have dc I would have walked away long ago.

As it is, we do have dc, they love and miss him, and one dc has very similar difficulties to him. I do not want her to grow up wondering why her dad didn't deserve the love and support that I give her. I also foresee me needing support in bringing her up.

I am so thankful for everyone's answers on here, whether they're what I want to hear or not. I have nobody else to talk to.

The reality is that even if he got diagnosed and got support he will still behave in certain ways that you will not like...he'll never be able to give you what you need. This new man might not either. Concentrate on your children, getting your dc diagnosed and supported needs to be your priority.

I am concentrating on my dc, really I am. I know the new man is only a nice distraction, not reality etc. I know it wouldn't last as it is now. But it has opened my eyes to just how alone I have been for the last 8 years.

So stop with the talk of reconciliation - your dh isn't going to magically become the companion and lover you want, diagnosis or not - you're either fooling yourself or using it as a stalling tactic. Move on with a new reality.

Ok so he's not going to become who I want him to be. And if I can accept that and lower my expectations for what I need out of my marriage..?

Live a lonely life while married .

It is hard; I am more than sure that my STBXH is on the autistic spectrum, and my DS has been diagnosed. We have been separated a number of years and STBXH has fought me every step of the way getting a diagnosis for DS. He still does not accept what we do have now.

So, there is the possibility that you will never convince your husband to seek a diagnosis or to support you getting a diagnosis for one of your DC. Because it is not in your power to convince him, if he does not want to listen.

That is quite aside from the affair, which won’t solve the problems in your marriage.

I personally was not able to lower my expectations of the marriage because I found it desolate, anxiety inducing and him very controlling in all aspects of life, and it was making me ill. I don’t know how things would have been different if I had, but I think I would have lost myself completely.