Absolutely desperate for support with possible asd dh

[Asdwife]

This is going to be long to avoid drip feeding, apologies in advance.

Back story:
Dh and I met and married quite quickly, 8 years ago. Had 2 dc also very quickly. Dh became withdrawn, depressed, started drinking a lot especially after dc2's birth. Things had already not been good for some time.

I always knew there was something unusual about dh but put it down to cultural differences. It didn't really become apparent until after dc2's birth but I realised, after much research, reading around and self doubt, that dh has Aspergers/ASD. There is now no doubt in my mind so please don't shoot me down for stating that.

He has always refused to look into it. Things became too bad for me to manage, I was exhausted and drained by his lack of support and connection and I asked him for a trial separation a few months ago. He moved out.

Almost immediately I felt better, back to my old self, my confidence and enjoyment of life returned and I reconnected with old friends. In secret I started seeing someone - this bit I feel awful about because the separation was meant to be a trial while we worked through things and it felt like I was being unfaithful - but I hadn't realised how desperately lonely I had been until I started seeing this new person.

Since the new year dh has started to seek support - he has been reading self help type books, went to his gp to ask for a counselling referral for his anxiety, has apologised to me for things that have happened in the past. He wants me to give us another chance. Our dc miss him.

I asked him to look into the possibility of Aspergers before we made any further decisions. He agreed and went to gp again. Gp told him there was categorically nothing wrong with him and that he was just "suffering the consequences of a marital breakdown - all completely normal". Dh obviously had not gone into history. He now has "proof" that he does not have Aspergers and wants me to drop it.

All well and good except that I also believe our eldest has Aspergers and was hoping that a diagnosis for dh would mean that he would entertain the possibility of dc having it. Until now he has refused to ever discuss that with me. I believe our eldest will need support in the future and I'm already worn down by her needs.

He wants another chance, I want to give him one but not without outside support which would only come through a diagnosis. I'm also still seeing this other man because it is like therapy for me. I come home from seeing him relaxed, happy and ready to pick up my responsibilities again.

Please give me some advice, I'll listen and consider anything. I literally have no idea what to do next.

I can empathise with this op, and I agree that whitehandled writes helpful observations. Two things from my situation:
My dh himself thinks he has Aspergers but assessment and treatment are non existent in our area and we don’t feel it would add much. To quote whitehandled - I get enough back, at the moment, to stay.
I also think eldest ds has Aspergers, or at least a lot of the traits. But he too is no problem at school. How old is your dd? I am waiting for things to become more problematic at school as social stuff and academic pressures increase. I’ve raised my concerns and they have been dismissed and then responded to with parental support. I’ve welcomed this and actually a label wouldn’t make any difference to what we have to cope with. The label accesses support in educational settings (if you’re lucky) so if there are not any issues as yet in that area, then it probably won’t help much tbh.

It’s worth asking the school for support though if you’re experiencing lots of difficulties at home. And I would echo other people’s advice - he’s already left, don’t go back!!

Good luck

Whitehandled - I think you have put it brilliantly.
I am the ground down wife who physically can’t leave. I have validation from work/friends/hobbies I am alright with that though- kind of.... I just wouldn’t have wished that for myself or op 10 years ago especially as there is a window for getting out. My dh would never ever leave

With regards to your dd . My son is 13 and the school have identified it . I think I was in denial . In time , in a good school it will probably come to light for your dd. Secondary school with increased responsibilities and expectations has thrown my ds into a spin

Grunkle you make a good point.
Misty my dd is in year 1 - nearly 6 years old.
Middleage sorry to hear you are (still) in the same boat.

Same age as ds then. Girls don’t tend to have lots of problems until puberty, when the social stuff gets complicated and girls get bitchy! It’s oftne misdiagnosed as anxiety at that stage, so you may have to fight for assessment yet. Although, to depress you even further, even assessment sometimes misses girls as the tools are based on typically male symptoms (I do this professionally).