Absolutely desperate for support with possible asd dh

[Asdwife]

This is going to be long to avoid drip feeding, apologies in advance.

Back story:
Dh and I met and married quite quickly, 8 years ago. Had 2 dc also very quickly. Dh became withdrawn, depressed, started drinking a lot especially after dc2's birth. Things had already not been good for some time.

I always knew there was something unusual about dh but put it down to cultural differences. It didn't really become apparent until after dc2's birth but I realised, after much research, reading around and self doubt, that dh has Aspergers/ASD. There is now no doubt in my mind so please don't shoot me down for stating that.

He has always refused to look into it. Things became too bad for me to manage, I was exhausted and drained by his lack of support and connection and I asked him for a trial separation a few months ago. He moved out.

Almost immediately I felt better, back to my old self, my confidence and enjoyment of life returned and I reconnected with old friends. In secret I started seeing someone - this bit I feel awful about because the separation was meant to be a trial while we worked through things and it felt like I was being unfaithful - but I hadn't realised how desperately lonely I had been until I started seeing this new person.

Since the new year dh has started to seek support - he has been reading self help type books, went to his gp to ask for a counselling referral for his anxiety, has apologised to me for things that have happened in the past. He wants me to give us another chance. Our dc miss him.

I asked him to look into the possibility of Aspergers before we made any further decisions. He agreed and went to gp again. Gp told him there was categorically nothing wrong with him and that he was just "suffering the consequences of a marital breakdown - all completely normal". Dh obviously had not gone into history. He now has "proof" that he does not have Aspergers and wants me to drop it.

All well and good except that I also believe our eldest has Aspergers and was hoping that a diagnosis for dh would mean that he would entertain the possibility of dc having it. Until now he has refused to ever discuss that with me. I believe our eldest will need support in the future and I'm already worn down by her needs.

He wants another chance, I want to give him one but not without outside support which would only come through a diagnosis. I'm also still seeing this other man because it is like therapy for me. I come home from seeing him relaxed, happy and ready to pick up my responsibilities again.

Please give me some advice, I'll listen and consider anything. I literally have no idea what to do next.

Why are you flogging this poor dead horse??

All you're going to teach DD is that "love" for her will mean that someone will be made miserable by her and that's the most she can expect from her relationships.

For the love of God just end it, be happy and show your kids what that looks like.

The marriage isn't working, diagnosis or no diagnosis. Time to end it and work out how to be co-parents.
You said you were worried about your DD
wondering why her dad didn't deserve the love and support that I give her.
Children deserve that support as standard. It's a bit more complicated with adults. That's really what it comes down to. And adults can't be helped if they don't want to be.

Regarding your DH and asd, have you had him fill in the aq test/questionnaire? My dp went to the gp armed with this and was referred for an assessment which he had a year later.

I felt certain that my dp was on the spectrum within a couple of months of meeting him. It took a rough patch for this to be seriously considered by both of us.

He was diagnosed a year ago in the fourth year of our relationship and I have to say that it was absolutely crucial to achieving what is now our happiness. He has reasonable adjustments in place at work so is no longer in a constant state of high anxiety and I have managed my expectations of him. We have also made some small compromises where possible.

If your dh did eventually get a diagnosis, would you be able to accept how he is and be happy yourself, knowing that he is just wired a different way rather than being outright unreasonable, or are you hoping he will change? (he won't).

I can only imagine how difficult this situation is with children involved. Actually, if he has asd, I should think that a diagnosis would help regardless of whether you stay together. It may affect parenting going forwards and also your communication with him about your dc.

I am going to go against the grain of most on here and say I think you have made a mistake in dumping the OM. He is not the problem but a symptom. I know you could say that about any OM/OW but here I feel it is especially relevant. I do not think you should stay with your DH. I get the impression that you have had any feeling for him ground to dust despite trying really hard and I think it's time you walked away, either with OM or alone. Give up this fight and concentrate on your DC and have some mental peace, clarity and happiness. It's not yur job to fix DH. You have suggested what you are certain think is 'wrong' with him and he has thrown it in your face. Get out, stay out and enjoy your life. Let him get therapy and treatment if he wants or not if he doesn't want. I would be setting my eyes on my own horizon now. You have done enough. More than enough.

YOUR job, not Yur Too early

I have no judgement either way about the other bloke. But one of the many issues with an extra marital affair that is rarely mentioned, is having a release on the side makes a shitty marriage more bearable. It’s a sticking plaster and makes you more able to tolerate a situation that you really should let go. Good luck OP.

I don’t know what ‘outside support’ you think is out there for people with ASD but almost certainly doesn’t exist.

A dx will not make one iota of difference to your situation or his behaviour.

Desolate, anxiety inducing and him controlling everything - I can relate Emy.

You, and your children, should not have to live like this. It's like a gradual death of every good thing you should experience in life. Your kids as well.

I have suspected ASD but do my best to put coping strategies in place and my husband and I both make compromises, and he accepts the things (minor stuff) I can't compromise on.

If he can't accept there is anything wrong (whether ASD or something else), how would you be worse off if you were alone? He should pay maintenance and your kids could still see their dad if they wanted to.

I just hate to see people in any kind of torment, and that's what it feels you're experiencing from your posts.

Sharonmott I'm going to go against the grain - no, I agree with you, it seems crazy to go back to a marriage that's not working and give up a guy who makes you happy, for something that never will. The op couldn't realistically try to make it work with her dh while seeing the om tho. That's fair on nobody. Having gone through the initial stage of splitting with her dh, I think the best course would be to follow through and co-parent. I'm wondering if it's economic concerns or worries about coping with dc alone that are driving op to try again - doesn't seem to be love, for sure.

You say you're desperate for support! People on the forum for partners of Aspergers people, will totally understand your situation and what you're going through.

www.different-together.co.uk

SharonMott and category I'm feeling really sad today because of finishing it with the other man. I know rationally that the relationship didn't have legs and with all the other issues going on it would probably have ended up messy at some point. But selfishly I've benefitted from it so much these past few months and now I don't have that outlet.

Thanks for all the recommendations of the different-together website, I have had a look and will sign up to the forum I think.

Also, to everyone who is asking me why I am flogging a dead horse... there are some religious and cultural implications which are clouding the situation somewhat. Not enough to actually prevent me from divorcing but enough to make me hesitant and think about it very carefully.

Your religious and cultural expectations aren't going to give you a busy hug and empathetic chats when you're feeling lonely. Don't live your life by other people's rules

Your H's diagnosis has no bearing on your DC's. He is an adult and his health and medical care is his responsibility. A diagnosis won't change who he is. You need to decide whether you want to work on your marriage to him or not. I don't think religious or cultural implications are enough of a reason, nor do I think staying together for the DC is fair. If you stay, it's for him - and for the marriage.

And, in a completely separate and unrelated arena, if DC truly struggle, and need a diagnosis, push for one. Get them the help they need. Don't use their struggle as a bargaining chip, or a reason to blame for staying.

You've got one life, OP.

I think that your marriage has 0 chance of ever really working for you. Your DH doesn't sound capable of being a true partner. Whether or not he has ASD, his behavior and attitudes amount to emotional abuse. He's fine with that; it is how he is.

If he does have ASD and you ever tell him that you were involved with another person for a while, he will most likely be completely unable to process it in a meaningful way because of his black and white thinking.

I think that while you are already separated from him, it would be better for you (and for your DC) for you to make peace with ending your marriage than for you to keep going back and forth. I can only imagine how difficult that is. But you are half way out of a dysfunctional marriage. Based on what you've said, he will never be a decent husband. It's easier to get out when you are already half way out.

OP, you mentioned you thought there would be support for adults post-ASD diagnosis. There's none on the NHS. Work can put 'reasonable adjustments' in place but as for anything else, there's nothing available. Please don't expect a diagnosis to be anything more than a comprehensive report with a section highlighting the most difficult areas.

The Gold Standard for diagnosis for women and girls is the Lorna Wing Centre if you want to take that route for your DD.

NHS assessments for adults can be well over 12-18 months' waiting, in some areas children can also take as long, but in the meantime you can refer to an OT for sensory processing and/or SLT for communication which will add weight to the request for diagnosis.

There's not that much help available for children either, have a read of the SN boards on here to see how the land lies, different areas have different provision.

Not trying to be a wet blanket but services have been cut so much that peoples' expectation for help post dx can be very unrealistic.

A much less linear view of the spectrum here
the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

Thanks all. Not sure why I'm finding it so hard to detach myself from the idea of my dh suddenly transforming and us living happily ever after as I know how unrealistic that is.
Still feeling sad today about ending things with other man...he has text to say he is missing hearing from me and I really had to sit on my hands in order not to reply.

Hope isn't always a positive emotion/motivation.

If I were you, I'd pick up the phone and tell om you've made a mistake. (Unless he's married or something.) Your dh will never be the person you want.

Hope is a poison.

I find this thread so sad.

Religions / cultures that tell women that they can somehow "fix" other people by loving and forgiving them etc... the men in those cultures live wonderful lives. And the women spend their lives miserably struggling to make it that way. And when the man in question isn't happy, well, obviously it's the woman's fault.

it's just so sick.

OP I hope you wake up soon and realize what you're teaching your kids by tossing your very own life, the only one you have, onto a funeral pyre. In service of a man who barely cares if you exist.

Being absolutely blunt OP your DD is the important one.

The longer you leave it for her the harder her life will be.

Children on the spectrum who go undiagnosed can really suffer as they often experience a daily lack of understanding and support from people around them and build up more and more maladaptive coping mechanisms due to having to learn to negotiate other people’s misunderstandings about who they are and how they function.

Your husband is happy with who he is. You are not happy with being in a relationship with him as he is. That’s all that needs saying really.

Stop obsessing over him and seek support for your DD. Even if you are the best and most supportive mother in the world she will likely struggle without an assessment of her needs and an understanding of who she is.

Year 4/5 is frequently a crisis point for undiagnosed DC who are on the spectrum. Puberty, increased workload in school and more complicated social interactions with friends can create a perfect storm.

Offred, if I'm correct you have experience of this so I'm grateful to hear your thoughts.
I twice mentioned it to pre-school (she's moved up now) and sent her key worker links to various articles about ASD in girls but it was met with total disbelief. I also asked the health visitor who referred her to the community paediatrician who did an assessment and dismissed her because she could hold a conversation and make eye contact. For this reason I haven't mentioned it to her school yet. I feel I won't be believed. She presents as a bright and mature little girl but is masking and imitating in social situations. She also has stims that she only does at home.
I feel as if I'm seen as totally neurotic but I know this isn't the case.

Oh and I'm not sure "obsessing over dh" is accurate or fair...

It's like you have the pieces to the wrong jigsaw and you're trying really hard to get them to fit the shape you want.