Absolutely desperate for support with possible asd dh

[Asdwife]

This is going to be long to avoid drip feeding, apologies in advance.

Back story:
Dh and I met and married quite quickly, 8 years ago. Had 2 dc also very quickly. Dh became withdrawn, depressed, started drinking a lot especially after dc2's birth. Things had already not been good for some time.

I always knew there was something unusual about dh but put it down to cultural differences. It didn't really become apparent until after dc2's birth but I realised, after much research, reading around and self doubt, that dh has Aspergers/ASD. There is now no doubt in my mind so please don't shoot me down for stating that.

He has always refused to look into it. Things became too bad for me to manage, I was exhausted and drained by his lack of support and connection and I asked him for a trial separation a few months ago. He moved out.

Almost immediately I felt better, back to my old self, my confidence and enjoyment of life returned and I reconnected with old friends. In secret I started seeing someone - this bit I feel awful about because the separation was meant to be a trial while we worked through things and it felt like I was being unfaithful - but I hadn't realised how desperately lonely I had been until I started seeing this new person.

Since the new year dh has started to seek support - he has been reading self help type books, went to his gp to ask for a counselling referral for his anxiety, has apologised to me for things that have happened in the past. He wants me to give us another chance. Our dc miss him.

I asked him to look into the possibility of Aspergers before we made any further decisions. He agreed and went to gp again. Gp told him there was categorically nothing wrong with him and that he was just "suffering the consequences of a marital breakdown - all completely normal". Dh obviously had not gone into history. He now has "proof" that he does not have Aspergers and wants me to drop it.

All well and good except that I also believe our eldest has Aspergers and was hoping that a diagnosis for dh would mean that he would entertain the possibility of dc having it. Until now he has refused to ever discuss that with me. I believe our eldest will need support in the future and I'm already worn down by her needs.

He wants another chance, I want to give him one but not without outside support which would only come through a diagnosis. I'm also still seeing this other man because it is like therapy for me. I come home from seeing him relaxed, happy and ready to pick up my responsibilities again.

Please give me some advice, I'll listen and consider anything. I literally have no idea what to do next.

Thanks all. Not sure why I'm finding it so hard to detach myself from the idea of my dh suddenly transforming and us living happily ever after as I know how unrealistic that is

It's a very common fantasy in women with unworkable husbands, whatever the cause. If they're absuive they can change, if they're ASD they can get help... it's a way of avoiding the situation as it is.

I agree with pp that GP is not qualified to make a diagnosis, and linking the issues to 'marital breakdown' massively missed the point.

However, if he followed up on diagnosis either a) he is on the spectrum and it's up to him whether he wants to deal with that or not (and not much support available) or b) he's not. Either way it doesn't change much.

Yes, you need to keep pushing re DD IMO.

Unfortunately it is incredibly (depressingly) common for people to dismiss ASD out of hand re girls.

Where to push though Offred? School? Gp? Privately?

Get some feedback from school. Start with the GP, not the one DH saw.

If you're in London the Maudsley has a child and adolescent ASD unit. (altho don't have to be from London to access their services)

www.slam.nhs.uk/our-services/service-finder-details?CODE=SU0267

Child and Adolescent Complex Autism and Associated Neurodevelopmental Disorders (Maudsley Hospital)

020 3228 2535

Michael Rutter Centre for Children and Young People
Maudsley Hospital
De Crespigny Park (off Denmark Hill)
London
SE5 8AZ

Thank you Riding, we're in north west of England.

Start with school, the teachers and the school nurses. Ask to speak to the SENCo

IMO private diagnosis is a waste of money as the LA/NHS will not accept it.

I'll start with phone calls to Maudsley and Lorna wing. School regularly tell me how lovely she is (which she is of course!). There's no way they've noticed anything off.

Will also speak with senco. Really worried about being written off as neurotic mother and that shutting down potential communication with school.

I wrote a very similar thread 7 years back.

Short version - I divorced him. Continue to be shocked 6 years on how wonderful life is now I can live in a world with emotions and nice things because not everything has to be functional.

Some spectrum children spend a lot of energy keeping it together at school, and then collapse when they get home. So schools don't always pick up on ASD unless it's very marked. And also some schools are more alert to it than others.

IME that will almost certainly happen. Schools have been given wide ranging responsibilities for SEN and no funding until they have spent £6000 so they are defensive re seeking assessments.

So I recommend being very factual and relating everything back to policy documents from DfE and research into ASD.

You need to be prepared to be told that it is ‘problems at home’ related to the separation and clearly explain why this isn’t the case (but even if they say this then you need to say she is entitled to more support/assessment as this is an admission that there ARE problems).

And remember all you need is to convince them that she needs assessment not that she is on the spectrum.

I'm so glad that you have looked at the Different Together website OP. I'm another one who would say that the OM is a symptom, not a reason for the situation that you are in. The thing about Aspergers (and I'm deliberately using the term) and identifying it in older men (because that is what I know), is that they have had a life time of developing often times highly complex strategies to manage.
Whilst I have a modicum of sympathy for their plight, my major sympathy lies with those who are impacted by it. The spectrum is very broad and adults can present very differently along that spectrum.
Some of us leave, some of us stay and have enough strength and love to work it through and get enough back to make it worthwhile.
Some of us, who did not discover why our marriages were such hard work and have been ground down over too long a time, may not have the strength to leave physically but find ways to reclaim our sense of self in other ways.
FWIW, OP, you have been offered an open door by him leaving. Take the opportunity to build a life without him needing your constant adjustments and accommodations, beyond that of the marriage that you thought you had signed up for.
Different Together members will understand all that you say and will not judge you for whatever choices you make.
It's a lonely road OP and not one to be lightly walked along.

Yes exactly Riding - my dd falls apart the second we step foot in the house and from then until bedtime is either in meltdown or stimming or picking fights with ds. It's exhausting. It certainly won't be obvious to school. Still I can speak to the senco and hope that they have some experience to go off.

Hedgehog - I'm happy you found happiness post divorce! Not surprising though as we learn to be so resilient and adaptable in the marriage that the rest of life seems a breeze!

Thanks Offred really helpful will take some time then to put something together before approaching senco.

And, request explanations for decisions you don’t agree with, second opinions and complain complain complain.

School thought I was ‘neurotic single parent’ too. So many other parents I have met say the same.

My DD’s school tried to claim she was not displaying anything in school until they did an ADHD questionnaire and it came back not ADHD but the same ASD type traits at home and in school. At that point they had to concede to referring for assessment.

Yes I was definitely seen as neurotic by pre-school, almost as if I wanted my dd to be diagnosed with something!

Whitehandled, what a thoughtful post.
I wish I could detach myself enough to be able to walk out that open door!

youre already seeing someone else. Dont make the problem all about him and aspergers. The problem is, youre not compatible and youre now involved with someone else.
Your husband getting a diagnosis at this point is now none of your business. You do not need validation if you want to leave. Certainly not to make him look faulty.

If I suspected my dh had Alzheimer's would I be accused of "making him look faulty" branleuse?
You've missed the point if you think the problem has been caused by me seeing someone else.

It doesn’t really matter what is making him unbearable for you to live with, the only things that matter are that he is happy how he is and that you find him unbearable to live with.

The fact that you are seeing someone else already is totally relevent. Your foot is already out of the door, and youre trying to find a reason that will make you not look as bad. You dont need to You dont have to stay.
Its REALLY difficult to get an ASD diagnosis as an adult anyway. Most doctors wont even refer you unless you have a specific reason for needing a diagnosis because there is so little support for autistic adults, that diagnosis is pointless anyway.
If you believe he is autistic, and his behaviours are a problem for you then therapy is not going to make him act neuotypical

I suspect what's actually happening here, is that you do know you need to leave your DH - you know you are alone in the marriage - that there is no point at all.

But - Because you have cultural factors that are telling you that leaving just because you are unhappy is not good enough, that you're a bad person for wanting to leave - you feel that you can't leave him unless there is something "wrong" with him.

So you're circling endlessly around the fact that He Needs To Get Diagnosed, etc. etc.

When really his neurology is a complete red herring.

He exhausts and drains you. You are chronically unhappy with him. That is enough of a reason to leave the marriage. He does not need to have been found faulty by a doctor in order for you to give yourself permission to face up to the fact that the marriage is a farce.

Get real with yourself. Get real about how your cultural factors are causing you to get stuck in things that don't even matter. Face up to the fact that your choice is stark: (1) lifelong unhappiness within your marriage, or (2) a fresh start on your own terms.

Branleuse, I found it quite easy to get a diagnosis of asd as an adult. And there is support, but not much if you're fairly functional anyway. That assumes though, that you accept you might have a problem and want to know, so that you can deal with it. It doesn't sound like this man does.