Absolutely desperate for support with possible asd dh

[Asdwife]

This is going to be long to avoid drip feeding, apologies in advance.

Back story:
Dh and I met and married quite quickly, 8 years ago. Had 2 dc also very quickly. Dh became withdrawn, depressed, started drinking a lot especially after dc2's birth. Things had already not been good for some time.

I always knew there was something unusual about dh but put it down to cultural differences. It didn't really become apparent until after dc2's birth but I realised, after much research, reading around and self doubt, that dh has Aspergers/ASD. There is now no doubt in my mind so please don't shoot me down for stating that.

He has always refused to look into it. Things became too bad for me to manage, I was exhausted and drained by his lack of support and connection and I asked him for a trial separation a few months ago. He moved out.

Almost immediately I felt better, back to my old self, my confidence and enjoyment of life returned and I reconnected with old friends. In secret I started seeing someone - this bit I feel awful about because the separation was meant to be a trial while we worked through things and it felt like I was being unfaithful - but I hadn't realised how desperately lonely I had been until I started seeing this new person.

Since the new year dh has started to seek support - he has been reading self help type books, went to his gp to ask for a counselling referral for his anxiety, has apologised to me for things that have happened in the past. He wants me to give us another chance. Our dc miss him.

I asked him to look into the possibility of Aspergers before we made any further decisions. He agreed and went to gp again. Gp told him there was categorically nothing wrong with him and that he was just "suffering the consequences of a marital breakdown - all completely normal". Dh obviously had not gone into history. He now has "proof" that he does not have Aspergers and wants me to drop it.

All well and good except that I also believe our eldest has Aspergers and was hoping that a diagnosis for dh would mean that he would entertain the possibility of dc having it. Until now he has refused to ever discuss that with me. I believe our eldest will need support in the future and I'm already worn down by her needs.

He wants another chance, I want to give him one but not without outside support which would only come through a diagnosis. I'm also still seeing this other man because it is like therapy for me. I come home from seeing him relaxed, happy and ready to pick up my responsibilities again.

Please give me some advice, I'll listen and consider anything. I literally have no idea what to do next.

Desolate, anxiety inducing and him controlling everything - I can relate Emy.

I so desperately wish I had made a better more informed choice of father for my dc.

I'm sorry to hear about the situation you find yourself in.
Long term do you not think your children would be better off with a Mother who was happy and fully able to be herself, their Father will always be their father and they can remain in contact with him.
I think you do have to think about what you want and if you would be happier without your husband, you clearly need to move on, realistically he isn't going to be able to change into the kind of person you'd like him to be.

I'm going to be blunt with you OP - stop being a martyr.

You say very clearly that your husband doesn't make you happy, that his behaviour (even when he's attempting to win you back and show you his best side) is insincere and that you believe him to have an unchangeable condition which affects they way he forms interpersonal relationships. You also have formed a new relationship which you find more emotionally fulfilling.

And yet you seem to think you "ought" to give him another (yet another) chance to make you miserable because your DCs miss him and if you could only make your needs small enough and train yourself to lower expectations, and somehow smile through this shit sandwich then you would have done a noble thing that your kids would thank you for...

Stop. Don't go back to him. He is either unwilling or incapable or supporting you in the way you want and need, and (ultimately) it doesn't matter if that's because of his personality, or because he has ASD, or some combination.

Totally agree with what lettacepray says above. A diagnosis (or not) isn't what's going to make the difference. Are both of you are prepared to work on the problems, that's the issue.

It's totally up to him to pursue a diagnosis for himself or not. He's the person he is, with or without it. It sounds like you've checked out of the marriage in any case. You need to be honest with him about this for both your sakes.

And concentrate of getting the help for your dc.

I have some sympathies with you. I am in a fairly similar situation although a few years ahead of you.......

• the affair whilst understandable in my experience causes more grief and despair and just detracts from the core issues in your marriage
• if your husband has asd that will not change . It won’t . Getting a diagnosis- which he will have to be in favour of won’t change things.
• for your eldest . The school have picked up on this and the train is set in motion for my dc getting assessed. Dh disagrees (he would- wouldn’t he?) but I don’t care . It’s tough , when it’s the dc it’s a different kettle of fish
• your Dh has moved out and that sounds like a good thing and you feel better. Keep it that way

I think you feel guilty about the separation from dh and your other relationship.
If your dh really does have asd you have probably tortured and been through a huge amount of emotional pain.
My advice would be to drop the guilt and get on with your own life

Same situation here.
I can relate to all your posts.
My expense in that one

• knowing about AS helps because you can start modifying to behaviour/recognising when a reaction is due to AS rather than being a twat.
• downside is that it’s still hard to know when it’s AS and when it’s being a twat. I forgave/made do with a lot on that ground, only for H to prove he could have changed his behaviour if he had wanted to....
• I dint think there is an easy way out of the huge effort required. He might change some of the stuff but the thread will still be the same. Exhausting, esp if you are also dealing with a child on the spectrum.

I appreciate I am quite negative there. But I have grown reessentful. And the trust, love and respect I had has been slowly but surly eroded too next to nothing as the years have gone past.
Fwiw my MIL is facing the same thing. She knows nothing about AS but would givyoou a nice list of alll the things that are so hard and they would match most of yours. She says her only regret in life is not to have found her soulmate....

I agree about the huge emotional pain too.
The stress and demands put in me I am sure is one of the reasons I ended up ill too...

Someone upthread mentioned www.different-together.co.uk for partners of people with asd.
Please have a look at it, there’s loads of information and a supportive forum

If you're not happy in your marriage and feel better when you're not with him, then it is time to end things. Whether or not he has Asperger's is irrelevant. And if you want to pursue diagnosis for your child, just go ahead and do it. Wishing you all the best.

Thank you so much everyone. It's actually quite helpful to be told to stop being a martyr!

Middleage and Notready - sorry to hear you are in a similar position - what did you end up doing or what do you plan to do?

Sounds like you are young enough to make a new life for yourself. Imagine being with your DH in his 60s and on. No outside work and his "quirks" just getting worse. Do get your child properly assessed and the help and support she needs. Good luck.

I was married for 30 years to a man with Aspergers. For most of the marriage we were unaware of what was causing his difficulties and I was very unhappy and isolated. One of our children also had behavioural difficulties which has also now been diagnosed as Aspergers. I recently left the marriage and it is like a weight has been lifted from me. As a previous poster said you can lose all love and respect for your partner which is very true of my relationship.
My mother in law also felt this way about her marriage but stayed with my father in law. She was incredibly bitter about her choice and very supportive of me leaving.
So my advice would be that life is too short to be in an unfulfilling relationship and you should think very carefully about how you would like the rest of your life to be.

Update:
I took on board what people said about not being able to work on my marriage and see someone else at the same time.. So I ended things with the other man today. I feel bereft but I suppose that was to be expected.
I can now focus on making my mind up about whether I want to continue the marriage or end it properly.
Thanks all for talking to me, it's nice to feel I'm not alone in this experience.

I'm sorry, OP.
The GP wouldn't be able to tell your DH/XH that he categorically didn't have ASD. Firstly, they're not qualified to do so, one way or another, and secondly any kind of ASD assessment would take a lot longer than the five or six minutes you get with the GP. I've been through the diagnosis process as an adult and it simply is not possible for anyone to give an informed opinion on categorically not having ASD in the space of one GP appointment.

FWIW, my advice would be to walk away. Whether he has it or he doesn't, you're not happy with him. If he gets a diagnosis, it won't change who he is and it won't make him do anything differently, he could very well say that it's how he is and it's unfair to expect him to change, so you'll have to be the one who adjusts. The diagnosis won't help.

You're right Arch. I knew this about the gp and was dismayed to hear that he'd been sent away with an apparent answer rather than a referral. But still, as you say, all a diagnosis would mean is that I would have to adjust.

I don't really understand why you're making this choice to pursue the marriage in which you've been so unhappy?

Have you thought about paying for a private autism assessment?

I'm afraid so. It sounds like he's pretty comfortable just as he is. Good luck with your dd - if you look at this section a lot of people have identified ways to get a diagnosis - mostly as adults there but girls and women present a bit differently so it may be worth looking for a specialist in the area.

Well actually a diagnosis might also mean that your DH ould take that in board and acknowledge so eod your difficulties.
It wouldn’t solve everything but could help make things easier.
IMO there is nothing worse that someone who has asd but doesnt know and think they are NT.

As for what do I do now?
Well I’ve been fighting for years and years to make it work. But the hurt has killed all the love and respect.
So now, I’m still in the marriage but only because it suits me atm. It allows me to build my health up wo any worries on a financial basis. The aim is to leave once I am strong enough.
In effect I’m learning to look after myself again and out myself first.
My dcs are older than yours (teens) which is giving me more freedom too.
But they have learnt unhelpful behaviour from H (esp dc2 who is likely to also be on the spectrum or have some traits) so I’m focusing on educating them instead.

So your husband moved out and you immediately felt happier. He promised to work on things but has latched into the idea that he doesn't have autism so there's no problem. Good God woman, run and keep running. He won't change. He is the person he is. If you take him back you will go immediately back to being unhappy. You've got a taste of freedom, why would you go back.

Do NOT go back to him. A diagnosis would change nothing. I was you 10 years ago and I wish I'd run like hell. Co-parenting with such a person is... very challenging, to put it politely. Due to stuff other people have said upthread, which I relate to so much. But it's nothing compared to the hell of being with them for all time.

I have my own home. When he starts to be arsey I can hold the door open and he leaves. We do almost 50/50 and I have to pick up his slack in almost all areas of parenting because he won't wash DC's bedding, clean his house, do empathy, arrange appointments etc etc. But it is night and day compared to being with him. We get on well now (when he's not being a cunt) and are almost friends.
Never go back.

OP I’m glad you ended things with the other man but the fact you embarked on an affair WHILST entering into counselling with your DH really shows how much you want this marriage to work.

I’m sorry but your heart isn’t in it. A diagnosis won’t mould him into what you’re looking for.

I echo everything said above
You have had some breaks in that;
-you have realised what is going on relatively quickly compared to my 20years

• you are still young
• your dh has been asked to leave and has left

Grab this.
I only recently figured the whole thing out when school have identified my teenage son undoubtedly has asd. Dh and my son are like two peas in a pod.

I tried to leave about 8 years ago and it was hell. At that time I had a complete breakdown and living with a dh with asd I reckon would cause most people to crack up.
I have chosen to stay - for now.
Me and dh have no relationship really and I do most of the parenting . I am in effect a carer also for dh.
I have coped by living my own life - I work full time , have hobbies and friends.
I didn’t sign up for this and I wouldn’t wish it for anyone .
In my experience the traits and problems get worse with age. It’s not going to get better . You can’t ‘save’ your dh and if you stay you are in effect sacrificing your own life and having a nurturing, loving, mutually reciprocated relationship.

I think you need to face yourself more than your DH. You can’t be having a secret affair and saying it’s Therapy because DH has undiagnosed ASD. Trust has been broken here.

Your DH is trying, moved out, went to get help. He’s playing fair.

You are not. You don’t even know if you want him.

Honestly, the ASD is a red herring, disgnosis will not get rid of his ASD traits. Can you love and live with him as he is? Then tell him you are having an affair. Then work on how you both compromise. If he forgives you.

I think you’ve treated your DH very badly by seeing someone else. That is a bigger issue and one that has rocked the foundations of your marriage. Whether DH knows or not. And that you still justify it and cannot see your cruelty to DH is worrying. Either leave him or remain loyal and try to repair your marriage.

My DP is ASD but functions well enough. He has a big lack of empathy / low social skills / has to always be right - it’s those specifics that I bring up - some I accepted, some I asked for compromises - not a blanket label which isn’t helpful.

I must go to bed now (early start with work in the morning), but I massively emphasise with your situation, and will post properly tomorrow.

My ex husband had a letter from a consultant 'proving' in writing that he didn't have Aspergers. Separating, getting divorced from him etc has been the most impossibly difficult 3 years. His aggression, denial, refusal to understand anyone else's perspective, has just been desperately impossible to deal with.

It feels such a relief to finally be alone and free to move on.