I did a terrible thing yesterday and I don’t know how to make it better

[HowDoIMakeThisBetter]

Yesterday, I travelled several hundred miles to my uncles funeral. DH drove me, my mum and my daughter. He didn’t want to go in the first place (he’d only met my uncle once), but he did it for me.

I rarely see this side of my family, and they are all heavy drinkers. I have a tendency to overdo the booze, but successfully keep it in check most of the time.

Late in the evening, after a LOT of booze had been consumed by all, my older, very charming, male cousin, lead me into the hallway and tried to kiss me. I batted him off and went back to the kitchen with the rest of the family. This is where things start to get hazy.

The whiskey was opened, to toast my uncle as it was his favourite drink. I have never got on with whiskey - it makes me feel dreadful, but I stupidly joined in never the less, and after this point, I can’t remember anything at all.

Apparently, my cousin lead me out of the room again, and I ended up submitting and kissing him. I don’t know how many people witnessed this, but DH was one of them.

I’m told that I then fell over and passed out in the kitchen, and was carried into the living room and put in the recovery position. Once it was established that I was still breathing etc, they then put me in the car and we drove home.

I woke up at some point and spent a couple of hours chatting to my mum in the back of the car about various things, but the earlier incidents weren’t mentioned.

I didn’t know what had happened until DH and DD (15) told me this morning.

DH is rightly upset, furious and humiliated.

I feel full of drinkers remorse - for allowing myself to get so drunk and disgrace myself, for setting such an appalling example to my daughter, for upsetting and worrying my family (particularly my mum and aunt), but most of all for hurting DH, who I love dearly and have never even thought about being unfaithful to.

Right now, I’m too ashamed to call my mum or aunt to apologise, but that will come.

Right now, I just want to curl up and die. I’ve had suicidal thoughts in the past, but have never acted upon them. I’m having these thoughts again now. I don’t know what to do, or how to make this better.

I don’t know what I want from this thread, I guess I just wanted to write it down.

Your cousin is at fault, not you. He took advantage of you.

please don't torture yourself with remorse. you sound like you are going through a difficult time and it sounds like was not your fault. be kind to yourself. sometimes we all end up drinking more than we anticipate

Are you Scottish? We know how to do a wake...

Look, apologise to your husband and daughter, mum and aunt. Try to make a commitment you won't get so drunk again. And then move one beating yourself up about it and donning sack cloth and ashes isn't going to help.

Being adult about it, taking responsibility maturely is the way forward.

You are not at fault - you had already said you weren't interested and he tried it on again when you were very drunk and therefore vulnerable. Others will disagree but someone should have prevented you from consuming so much alcohol. You were surrounded by your family

you have the fear and things will seem better tomorrow, you dh may be annoyed etc but it really didn't sound like it was your fault it was unfortunate circumstances. maybe try and get some sleep for a few hours. it might make you feel better to ring your mum and chat it through with her, often your actions feel like they were a lot worse than they were perceived by others. I think you do need to speak to someone as well as us on mumsnet however to reassure you that your behaviour was not that bad

Your “charming” cousin is a scumbag. Regardless of what you feel you need to say to your family, HE should be apologising to your DH and to you.

Now, you have the beer fear, so that will dissipate, so please don't do anything to harm yourself now. Talk to the samaritans if you need to.

Obviously what happened was not good, but there is something very wrong with your cousin.

If I were you, I would make promises (that you keep) to your dh and dd that you will stop drinking. You come from a family of problem drinkers and you are one yourself. Making good on dealing with your alcohol issues is the best way forward.

I know he’s at fault (he’s married too, incidentally, but his wife wasn’t there. Also worth mentioning that his lates mum’s third marriage was also to her first cousin, and after the initial surprise, no one in the family raised an eyebrow again).

However, I’m responsible for getting myself into that position in first place. I need to make amends, and I just don’t know how.

I love my husband so much. He has been so unbelievably supportive through so many troubles. I want to make him feel better, and I can’t bear the fact that I’ve hurt him so much. He deserves so much better than this.

Apologise and look for support to help you deal with alcohol. And ignore your cousin; what a worm...

I think until the op articulates just how wankered the cousin was it isn't really fair to call him names. None of us here know if there was flirting beforehand or even how ashamed he is today.

I dislike the thought process that if a man is drunk he's still responsible but if a woman is, she isn't. She says she was "led" its highly likely she went willingly.

I know Mose. That’s why I’m here. I don’t even recognise myself.

Well I think you’re done with drinking now, right? You don’t have an off switch which means you should never start.

Your cousin is an absolute scumbag. He totally took advantage of you. The only thing you did wrong was get very drunk but at a time of grief in a family of drinkers that’s not shocking. What he did was disgusting.

ok people don't be too harsh on op we've all been there I'm sure. I totally understand your families drinking issues and I can relate,however there's no point beating yourself up just come up with some positive ideas for today. things will seem better tomorrow.

Do you have any idea how you could get a grip on your drinking?

Do you know what support is available to you, and would your DH support you?

I don't condone your cousins behaviour, but from your post, it does sound as though you were already aware about how alcohol affects you.

Your horrendous cousin took advantage of your drinking problem.

You need to stop drinking. The kiss was forced on you by your cousin when you were too pissed to know what the fuck was happening - but you’re right, it wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t been so pissed.

Good things will come of this:

You will reassess your relationship with alcohol and get support. This will improve your health both mental and physical and also your relationships.

In a fucked-up way, this can be a good thing. Use it to rethink the negative aspects of your life.

Huge apologies to your DH and DC. Don’t torture them any further by making this about you being suicidal - don’t focus on that. Focus on making amends, and making changes.

Yes, I probably did go willingly, but would never have done so had I been sober, or even just a bit pissed. Never. But as it was, I was so drunk I can’t remember a thing.

ok people don't be too harsh on op we've all been there I'm sure

Well no, I have never got so drunk at a funeral I snogged my cousin in front of my husband and daughter and passed out and had to be put in the recovery position. I do not think minimising it is right. She needs to move on, she needs to accept personal responsibility, which she is doing, but pretending to her we all do this, isn't really helpful imo.

Apparently, my cousin lead me out of the room again, and I ended up submitting and kissing him. I don’t know how many people witnessed this, but DH was one of them.

I don't get this. Did no one spot what was happening and go after you? Was everyone maggoty drunk that no one was looking out for anyone else?

The whole thing sounds grim and tbh I would be as worried about your dd as your dh. I think you should apologise to both. Have a chat with your dd about how this kind of drinking is not normal or advisable (what if she was this drunk in similar circumstances?).

As regards your dh. I suppose you tell him you are so sorry you got into that situation and quit the drinking for a while (or forever). a drunken kiss immediately after which you passed out from drink, isn't exactly rampant infidelity in my view.

I feel sorry for you OP. As well as the physical hangover you have the shame and horror feeling of "what have I done". It is horrible. This could be the worst you feel though. From now on could be better.

Thank you for all the kind and sensible words. You’re helping

but would never have done so had I been sober, or even just a bit pissed

Sure, I don't think anyone disputes that, the question is though would he, and how drunk was he. Many people are saying he's all types of things, but the question remains was he also pissed. And is this something he would not have done sober, went out with you and snogged you in front of your family.

Umm not sure this: ok people don't be too harsh on op we've all been there I'm sure...is particularly helpful.

Aside from the assault which is entirely cousins fault, getting rip-roaring pissed, sufficient to pass out in front of your child is not common, every day normal behaviour. The fact that the OP knew this was a risk and fell into the trap is also concerning. Minimising this to suggest everyone does it is daft.

OP everyone needs a rock bottom to make changes...hopefully this is your wake up call about your ability to drink within safe limits. But I don't think you need to be taking responsibility for your cousins behaviour. He knew you didn't want it, and if he'd gone a little further he could be in serious trouble. I hope your DH realises that.

I honestly think you have a drink problem and to blame your cousin (unless he forced you or spiked your drinks) is passing the buck. You made a mistake, own it, apologise and change your behaviour.
Btw I’ve done horrific things whilst drunk so I understand.

Um. I think you make this better by seeking help for your drinking. You might need counselling to unpick the negative influence of a whole family with an unhealthy relationship to alcohol.

I don’t think beating yourself is going to help but you do need to channel that remorse into getting help.

I think actions are more meaningful than words so if I were your husband I would want you to take action to show that you are sorry and want to prevent anything like that from happening again.

FWIW I think your cousin was more in the wrong for trying to kiss you more than once when you had already said no, and for taking advantage when you were clearly far too drunk to consent. He was probably completely drunk too but it doesn’t excuse his behaviour.