I did a terrible thing yesterday and I don’t know how to make it better

[HowDoIMakeThisBetter]

Yesterday, I travelled several hundred miles to my uncles funeral. DH drove me, my mum and my daughter. He didn’t want to go in the first place (he’d only met my uncle once), but he did it for me.

I rarely see this side of my family, and they are all heavy drinkers. I have a tendency to overdo the booze, but successfully keep it in check most of the time.

Late in the evening, after a LOT of booze had been consumed by all, my older, very charming, male cousin, lead me into the hallway and tried to kiss me. I batted him off and went back to the kitchen with the rest of the family. This is where things start to get hazy.

The whiskey was opened, to toast my uncle as it was his favourite drink. I have never got on with whiskey - it makes me feel dreadful, but I stupidly joined in never the less, and after this point, I can’t remember anything at all.

Apparently, my cousin lead me out of the room again, and I ended up submitting and kissing him. I don’t know how many people witnessed this, but DH was one of them.

I’m told that I then fell over and passed out in the kitchen, and was carried into the living room and put in the recovery position. Once it was established that I was still breathing etc, they then put me in the car and we drove home.

I woke up at some point and spent a couple of hours chatting to my mum in the back of the car about various things, but the earlier incidents weren’t mentioned.

I didn’t know what had happened until DH and DD (15) told me this morning.

DH is rightly upset, furious and humiliated.

I feel full of drinkers remorse - for allowing myself to get so drunk and disgrace myself, for setting such an appalling example to my daughter, for upsetting and worrying my family (particularly my mum and aunt), but most of all for hurting DH, who I love dearly and have never even thought about being unfaithful to.

Right now, I’m too ashamed to call my mum or aunt to apologise, but that will come.

Right now, I just want to curl up and die. I’ve had suicidal thoughts in the past, but have never acted upon them. I’m having these thoughts again now. I don’t know what to do, or how to make this better.

I don’t know what I want from this thread, I guess I just wanted to write it down.

Maybe it is me who’s misinterpreted the OP as I seem to be the minority but even when I reread it, it still reads as tho she sometimes gets too pissed when she drinks but not that she’s an alcoholic. That aside OP I still don’t think your a dick and people shouldn’t call you names when you ask for help.

Where was your hubby in all of this OP? If he witnessed the whole thing, why didn't he come to your assistance if you were clearly not in control of your actions?x

The thing is Mouseville, very few people are the first to spot that they have a problem with alcohol. Most are the last to see it.

Alcohol causes problems WAAAAAAY before somebody is physically dependent on it i.e. an 'alcoholic' (I never use that term as a HCP).

OP, you are a problem drinker.
You do things when drunk you would not do when sober (as most of us would) and drinking to the point where you cannot remember anything is a really risky thing to do.

You cousin is as fault trying whatever he was trying to do when you were in no fit state to consent or not.

You cannot change his behaviour, but you do have power over your drinking behaviour.

Thank you again. This is all so helpful.

Just to reiterate, I know this is my fault, and I am the only one who can control my drinking. I am to blame for letting myself get into that state. My cousin is an arse, but I agree it’s just a sideshow.

I won’t be seeing him for a long time as we live at opposite ends of the country.

As to why DH didn’t intervene, I think RainyApril probably has it right.

To those thinking I do this all the time... of course I don’t! I have never blacked out, fallen over, or behaved so appallingly! I’ve never been drunk in front of my daughter. I’m utterly mortified. But yes, I love wine, parties, conviviality and of course I’ve been drunk before. But I know I have to control it, and control it I do. Most of the time.

I suppose the point is, knowing I have to conciously stop myself drinking too much, and fucking up as spectacularly as I did this weekend, tells me this problem runs deep and needs to be addressed more thoroughly than simply “keeping a lid on it”. And it will.

Mum4Fergus

Yes, lets blame the husband for the choices that his wife makes.
If passing the buck were an Olympic sport etc.

If you were my mum I'd just want a straight apology. No mentioning the cousin or husband trying to put the blame on them. Just a "I'm so sorry for how I behaved. I should never have got so drunk and behaved how I did. I've embarrassed myself and you. I will never act like that again and I am going to be getting help for my drinking."

Thanks. That’s pretty much what I’ve said to DD Red

Again, I’m not blaming my cousin for my behaviour, and definitely not my husband.

That's good then. Time to move forward

I have been where you are now and you certainly are not alone. You are sorry and that comes through in your posts. It was lovely that you could speak so openly and empathise with your daughter.

I hope the suicidal thoughts have abated. You don't go into it but I assume it was stress, pressure, anxiety or any range of mental health issues that kicked this off. It's so easy to reach for alcohol to try to overcome these feelings.

I dont know the answer, well I do really, stop drinking. I haven't but watching the drinking patterns of my early adult DC terrifies me. I am extremely anxious as my DD has a mental illness and although on the face of it she is doing ok her behaviour can be alarming. Another excuse to have a drink, I know.

If it helps at all reading your post caused me to have flashbacks to similar situations that I got myself into over the years and has strengthened my resolve to address my drinking problem (tomorrow) weak joke out probably true.

You are not a monster or a horrible person but like me we need to address it at some point.

Incidentally your cousin probably has a drinking problem. It runs in your family which is very common. It runs in mine too.

Best wishes to you!

You have a drinking problem and if you really don't want to put yourself or your family through this again then you have to accept this and make the commitment to resolving it.. Your whole family dynamic sounds off and I hope this has been a genuine wake up calll and not just drunken remorse which never lasts long.